I really love the continued support for this story. I'm not sure how much of a decent chapter I have into me for it today, but I'll give it a try! Hope you enjoy.


Benson's POV


"So, I guess you have a thing for blonde women with blue eyes then?" Amanda asks with a playful smile. The question just briefly leaving my mouth agape before I manage to catch myself.

I assume she is referring to Alex Cabot. The only other woman that has got under my skin the way Amanda does. Alex and I, had been complicated from day one, we would argue and fix it with meaningless sex. Until it wasn't so meaningless to me and she was taken away, only to come back and leave anyway. Since Alex, there's been no one serious, no one that has made me want to be with them for any length of time. But something about Amanda is drawing me in.

"Um." I finally mutter in response to Amanda's question. Not actually knowing that anyone was aware of my relationship with the blonde ADA.

"Liv, I'm really good at reading people." She tells me, trying to get me to admit to the history I shared with Alex.

"Does everyone know?" I ask cautiously.

"No. Well, Fin might. But I never told him." She says, honesty clear in her eyes.

"Well, yeah I guess I do." I answer her noncommittally giving a shrug at the same time.

"Was it serious?" The blonde asks, the question causing me to scoff at her before I can stop myself.

"For her, no." I tell her, since there is an element of sharing going on here anyway.

"But you got hurt?" She pushes a little more, sadness showing in her eyes.

I nod in answer to her latest question. Not elaborating any further since I don't really want to be sat here with her discussing one of my many past failed relationships.

Without saying anything else on the matter, I shift to a more comfortable position on the couch, manoeuvring Amanda into my arms as I stretch my legs out so that we are both lying down. Amanda led between my legs, her side to my front.

We lie in silence for a long time, just enjoying the quiet and the closeness of our bodies. Holding each other. Amanda's demeanour changes again though, and I'm trying to work out if she's having another flashback or is battling with opening up a little more. But I stay quiet, waiting for her to do whatever she is going to do, just being patient. I have been doing my job a very long time and I know all too well that you can't push people to talk, to trust you.

A good ten, fifteen, twenty minutes pass and Amanda doesn't move or say a word, her body however getting more tense with every passing second.

"What is it Amanda?" I coax softly, reminding her that I'm here for her.

The blonde lifts her head to look at me, her eyes briefly meeting mine, her jaw clenched shut, before she puts her head back on my chest without saying a word. Her grip tightening on the hoodie of hers that I have borrowed.

"Amanda, talk to me please." I try again, desperate to get through the woman cuddled into my chest.

"I'm ok." She tells me, the words forced.

Torn between letting it go and wanting to know what's going through her mind, I replay her words in my head for a few minutes. My fingers softly threading through her hair as I try my best to relax her.

"I was twelve, the first time I did something like this to myself." She says, waving her bandaged arm weakly at me.

"I was in the bath, avoiding Andy. The door was locked, I was a normal twelve year old kid, shaving my legs, and I pressed a little too hard, I cut my ankle. Just one of those things that regularly happens when women shave their legs. But seeing the blood, it made me feel better about myself, it was like the bad stuff was leaving my body. It moved on from there, started with notice board pins, little scratches, nothing major. Things kept getting work and the damage I was inflicting on my body gradually got worse. Razor blades, kitchen knives, cigarettes. Basically anything I could get my hands on to cause myself pain." She rambles, explaining carefully, her head still buried in my chest.

I wait, saying nothing. How had the whole squad missed this? How had I missed the pain she was really in?

"Then I reached twenty one and things changed, I switched from the mutilating damage to a different kind of physical damage. I started drinking, smoking, generally being reckless. All the while working in the police force and carrying a gun." She pauses again, this time taking a very shaky breath, her head lifting away from me so that she can meet my gaze.

"Do you know how many times I have thought about using that gun to end the pain forever?" She asks, a terrifying look in her eyes as the words leave her mouth.

"Amanda." I stutter, my heart literally sitting in my throat.

"Do you really want to get into a relationship with me Liv?" She asks seriously, and I don't even need to think about the answer because regardless of her pain, her thoughts, I want to be here for her to support her through all of it.

"I do." I tell her, swallowing roughly.

She doesn't look away and other do I. Even as I try to control my thoughts, my worries for her mental state of mind. It isn't fair to Amanda for me to fall apart with worry right now, so I hold her gaze, trying to show her nothing but the strength of my feelings for her.

"You're stupid, you know." Amanda finally mutters, surprising me.

"Why? Because I care about you? Because I want to be here for you? Because I." I stop myself abruptly. Now probably isn't he best time for me to admit that I love her. She's only just found out I even have feelings for her, let alone that those feelings are actually love.

"Yeah, because of that!" She tells me, removing herself from the couch and leaving the room.

What the hell just happened? I'm left half lying on the couch, propped up on my elbows as I stare in the direction that Amanda has just gone. Scrambling to stand up, I hesitantly go after her.

"Amanda." I say, gently edging the bedroom door open. Seeing the blonde sat with her back against the bed, her head in her hands, her hair flowing freely to cover her face.

Crouching down in front of her, I try to life her head gently to look at me. Her eyes filled with unshed tears. How can someone be in so much pain that the thought of a person caring about them is so overwhelming? Who could cause someone that amount of pain. I softly brush my thumbs across the bottoms of both her eyes, wiping away the escaping tears.

"Amanda, listen to me for a second." I say softly, needing to explain something. She nods in acknowledgment of what I have just said.

"I'd choose you, in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you. I'd choose to be here, caring for you, looking after you, loving you. Regardless of what you have been put through or how bad you feel, I'd always choose to be here with you." I say with conviction and I know every word to be true, even though things are only just starting for us, even though I don't know the strength of Amanda's feelings towards me, I know my own and I would always hopes to support her.

Her eyes begin to sparkle, just a tiny little bit. The tears subsiding again as the magnitude of what I have just said to her sinks in.

Amanda launches herself into my arms, sending us both flying backwards. My body flat against the floor, Amanda's body on top of mine, her hot breath mixing with my own at the proximity. I have to close my eyes for a second, having her body pressed against mine drives me just a little bit crazy. That much I had learnt earlier.

With my eyes closed, trying to control my breathing and ignore the closeness of the blonde, Amanda has other ideas. Leaning even closer to me, I feel her lips on mine. She kisses me with an intensity that I wasn't expecting or prepared for. The kiss causing the slightest moan to escape my throat. Amanda's lips working on my own as I match her rhythm, kissing her back just as passionately and needily as she is kissing me. Amanda's tongue swipes along my bottom lip begging for entrance which I immediately allow, parting my mouth slightly to welcome the intrusion.

When air becomes and issue, I pull back slightly. My chest heaving as I try to regain my control on the raging feelings deep within the pit of my stomach. My eyes locked on Amanda's blue eyes, sharing an unspoken agreement that this would be ok. Whatever it was, it would be ok, as long as we were together.


Seriously I have no idea where this story is going anymore. I start a chapter with a plan and it goes completely differently. Ah well, it's still working! Hit review please ;) x