Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
A/n: Ho Ho Ho, happy holidays y'all. Alrighty, there should be some explanation for why I haven't updated, nor written, in over two months (I think). I might have sent a few of my faithful reviewers some messages, but here's to all of you who are still reading. My computer completely broke down and I can't write. I am currently on my mother's laptop and finishing the Full Moon story and moving on the third and last installment, which you can all look forward to in 2010! I guarantee that it will be done before 2012 in case we all drown in the ocean (joke), so look forward to that soon and on to the rest of FULL MOON *cheers*
Chapter Preview: Bella returns home to find that nothing will ever be the same.
Quote of the Chapter: "Heartbreak brings us immense pain and suffering but in reality we must realize that it brings us one step closer to the one we are destined to be with."
Chapter Twelve: Drowning
If you have ever felt like you were going to drown in your own tears, or choke to death from the constant lump in your throat, or sink to the ground from the heaviness in your stomach- you know how I feel. I know it was true- what Edward had said- but I still felt as if it could not be possible. I was wishing beyond anything that Edward was lying, though I knew he was not; but once I walked into my home bittersweet home, I knew that it had to be true- and so began the river- no- ocean of tears I was shedding.
I had not seen Jacob when I woke up from my coma, and I knew that I would probably never see him again. He had someone else now. Someone who was most likely prettier than me, and would not kiss another guy/vampire behind his back. Was this karma for kissing Edward the other night and all this stuff happening? It had to be. I laid in my bed feeling the heaviness of loneliness over me. Charlie had tried to talk to me, but he did not understand. Jacob was my savior, he had put me back together, an assortment of endless broken pieces after Edward left- he put me together, and now he was tearing me back down and I could not even blame him.
"Nothing- it's just…wow…I- I think I've imprinted without knowing." Jacob said, looking up and smiling.
"Imprinted?" I asked, I was pretty sure I'd heard that word somewhere.
"Yeah, it occurs when a werewolf finds there…well their soul mate." Jacob said, staring into my eyes trying to catch my reaction of him calling me his soul mate, I smiled wanted to jump into his arms and kiss him senseless, sadly that might cause a scene in public. "You just have a deep connection with them, and nobody else matters. Sam believes we just imprint on the person who is mostly likely to pass the wolf gene along, but my dad believes it makes us stronger- you make me feel stronger Bella, and you're the only person I ever want to be with."
I remember that day like it was this morning and I wanted with all my might that I could reverse time and go back to the way things were. However, in my mind I knew now that nothing would be how it was. Jacob had imprinted, he thought he had imprinted on me, but he was wrong, and now I cried more knowing how happy he was with her, without even knowing the girl, and it hurt more to just sit here and cry over someone, who is off living his happy, lovely, wolfy life.
It all fit together in a horrible completed puzzle. It seemed like fate for him to meet the girl at the hospital, like the vampires causing me to crash would lead to their meeting, and my exile.
"You…You don't want me?" I asked, tears in eyes.
"No." he answered back, no pity in his eyes. He looked at me, and I stared back, how could this happen to me- not again, I thought he loved me, but he didn't. Jacob stared back at me,
"I'm going now, Bella." he said, then without further words, he disappeared.
'They're all the same.' Someone said to me. I dropped down and cried, 'They're all going to hurt you- it's best not to even get infatuated with them. Your heart is already broken- like a broken mirror it's best to leave the pieces alone- then ending up cutting yourself trying to fix it yourself…"
"Jacob." I whispered to myself. "Oh Jacob- I love you…"
I remember seeing this scene in my head when I was in the coma- as if it was some type of sign, whoever sent it was right. Jacob had left me with my pity, because he would not regret falling in love with his soul mate. Maybe I was destined to be alone. Edward had not wanted me either, yes it was to keep me safe- but in the long run you cannot trust anyone- they are all going to hurt you at some point.
I was now just sitting, wallowing in my own my self pity. It felt like I was giving up now, all the reasons for why I woke up in the morning seemed to vanish- then I realized that I had to stop. I would not fall into the same, month-long depression I had with Edward. My whole life would just be in endless cycle of hurt and sadness. What? Was I supposed to find another mythical creature to fix me if I fell into the hole of despair? Was I supposed to fall in love with a mermaid or something and then he would realize we couldn't be together, and fall in the hole of despair once again- continuing the cycle until death. No- I had to stop and control myself- it couldn't be the end of the world, even if it certainly felt like it. I had to think of something to do or another feeling to feel besides grief.
It turned into night, and Charlie came in to check on me before he went to bed.
"Anything you need Bells?" Charlie asked. I stopped myself from answer "Another werewolf who looked, sounded, felt, smelled, and loved like Jacob Black."
"No dad, thanks- I'm fine." I lied. He gave me a sad smile, knowing my lie, and left the room- both of us knowing he wouldn't be able to help me.
Only time can heal wounds of the heart. But how much time did I have? Some medieval, vampire murders were probably after me now, and they were still keeping children hostage and turning them into…newborns…war…"Another town to add to our collection of North Western territories." … "but us in here, we're the ones he chose to be in his army…he and the rest of them are trying to claim territories- it's like a game to them, whoever kills the most and makes the city more terrified wins…" There would be a war- a vampire war, over hunting grounds, and they were in Forks- it all seemed to just hit me now. I had been in the "wolf" and "werewolf" setting for so long; I seemed to have forgotten about the bad vampires like James and Victoria.
Tap
Tap
Tap
I looked for the source of the noise and saw Edward at my window. I knew he could come in by himself if he wanted to, but it seemed like he wanted acceptance or an invitation. I walked, zombie-like, over to the window, seeing in its reflection how sick and pale I looked. I opened the window, and Edward glided in- it reminded me of Jacob and the nights he would sneak into my room.
"Bella." Edward greeted, or asked- as if he wasn't sure it was me.
"Is there something wrong?" I asked, I didn't expect him to come. I knew deep down he'd probably be watching the house to protect me, but I never expected him to face me after the hospital. I think he felt as if it was his fault for telling me, and I knew we were about to talk about it, and I knew if he said or I said Jacob's name out loud I would continue to feel the wobbly feeling in my legs and the sinking feeling in my heart.
"How are you?" he asked. I didn't know if he meant physically or mentally. Physically I was perfectly alright for someone who just barely got out of a coma, but mentally I felt a horrible wreck- a car wreck to be specific.
"I've been better." I told him, like I told him when I woke up at the hospital. He looked at me sadly, and I stared back at him, wanting him to leave me to continue my self pity and hopeless feelings, alone- and still wanting him to stay and hold me like Jacob had, and tell me comforting words that would probably not work, but I would respect the effort and feel slightly but never completely better.
"I'm sorry." Edward said after a long silence- I knew, of course, what kind of pain he was talking about now.
"It's not your fault." I said, even though I didn't know where the words came from.
"I know…" he said softly, "But I just wanted to tell you that I was…here for you- in case you needed someone to talk to or anything at all."
"Thank you Edward." I told him. It make me feel gratitude and guilty after what he said. Gratitude for wanting to make me feel better and being here- now- when I needed him and guilt for knowing that he still loved me and knowing that he probably felt as if he could move on up since Jacob was gone.
"You're welcome." He said, "I just came by to tell you that and that the rest of my family has come back from tracking the elders to Canada and that you're welcome to come by… at anytime- day or night…"
It felt strangely formal and as if he was much older than me, as if a neighbor telling a child after his parents passed that they would be welcomed in their home. But I just nodded and embraced the feeling of myself going back to the "vampire" setting.
Edward had left soon after, and I tried to fall asleep. But every time I did my mind was filled with memories of Jacob and I happy and I woke myself up. Tonight I would just appreciate a dreamless night, if not, a nightmare. Heartache hurt more than fear.
After a night of waking and going back to sleep many times I woke up with the sun and got up, feeling tired and even more zombie-like than before. What was the point of waking up so early? I didn't have school. I couldn't go over to Jacob's. Charlie had probably gone to work after missing so many days while I was in the hospital. I felt- not bored- but pointless.
I had let him become my life, now he was gone- and I had nothing.
I decided to go down and eat something, so I did just that. Eating a meal of eggs, bacon, and toast I sat down in front of the television, in my pajamas still, and turned it on…it was on Washington News.
"And in lighter news the search for this year's Washington News Easter Egg Hunt has been found." Said the newscaster gleefully- I turned off the TV and ate in silence.
I guess I was expecting news on the missing children- who would never really be found. I felt like I should find the children's parents and tell them that their children were either murdered by vicious vampires, or on their way to becoming one. Of course, they would not believe me, but it felt like the right thing to do.
Ding Dong
I nearly dropped my plate on the way back to the kitchen from the sudden sound in the complete silence. I put my plate down and rushed to the door, but when I got there nobody was there, all that was there was a stuffed wolf I recognized all too suddenly. Jacob had gotten it for me when we went on our first 'official' and 'completed' date at the Zoo. That meant that Jacob had been here nearly a moment ago, but it also meant he didn't want to talk or see me- only that he was giving me my wolf back.
I picked up the stuffed wolf and held it tightly. I heard the crinkling of paper against my chest, and looked down to see a note attached to the wolf's neck:
Bella,
Rebecca found this in the car, you must have left it there that night, I thought it was rightfully yours and that I should return it to you. Bella, I just want you to know that I'm sorry for how it all worked out, but I hope we could still be friends. Perhaps you and Rebecca can hang out sometime, you'll love her she's great. Anyway, if you want would you like to come over to La Push tomorrow and hang out with us please do. If so I'll be back from my pack duties around 4:00pm tomorrow, come around then. Hope to see you soon.
Jake
The note felt horribly short and showed that he was happy with…Rebecca, if that was her- I knew that it most likely was. I couldn't go to see him, it would be impossible for me to see him with someone else without breaking into tears. On the other hand I wanted to meet the girl who stole…well…I knew I couldn't be mad at the girl- or either of them for that. She loved him because he loved her and it was just as simple as that, they loved each other and there was nothing that I could do now that he was hooked.
A sinking feeling came to my stomach that I knew had nothing to do with the eggs. I didn't know what I could do without him or if I would be going tomorrow at 4:00pm, all I knew was that he was officially gone. Edward hadn't been lying. Jake was gone and there was nothing I could do about it.
A/n: Thanks for reading my freakishly late chapter, last one is up soon. Please review if you liked/disliked/etc. and if you are still willing to continue reading my story. Until next time, this is Brianna, and you have been served with a slice of AWESOMENESS.
