Chapter 11

"So – what's it going to be? Deciding vote...which way are you swaying?"

Andy shrugged her shoulders non-committedly in response, and curled her feet up under her. Dov raised an eyebrow in question, and Andy glanced around the room at the expectant gazes of her friends. "I really don't care – just pick one." She pulled herself out of her curled up position on Traci's couch, and plodded through to the kitchen to pour herself another glass of wine. She swirled the deep red coloured liquid around in the glass a couple of times, took a sip and then relented – pulling her phone out of her jogger pocket – the screen was blank, no calls or messages – and she twirled it around in her fingers a couple of times trying to resist the urge in her fingertips to utilise her speed dial – just two buttons, that's all she had to press...two buttons and she could hear his voice.

"Andy..." Traci's voice had a reprimanding the tone, the same one she used when she found Leo rooting through the freezer for ice-cream without asking. Andy attempted a wide eyed look of innocence as she turned to face her friend who had followed her into the kitchen, but gave up after a pointed look from Traci to the phone gripped in her hand, and she allowed an exasperated sigh to escape her lungs.

"What? So I'm not even allowed to miss him now?"

"It's been two days!"

"So...?"

"Are you going to be this much of a grouch for the whole time? I invited everybody over to take your mind off it – just come back in and watch a movie." Traci reached for Andy's wine, prying it from her hand and walking back through to her living room – expecting Andy to follow. Andy glanced down at the screen on her phone again and opted for a text message instead – her fingers worked quickly, so she could follow closely in Traci's footsteps -

Miss you. xxx

- before switching her ringer onto silent and slipping the offending object back into her pocket. She tried her absolute hardest to focus on her friends for the rest of the night – Traci, Chris, Dov and even Gail. She had barely seen any of them in the past two weeks, and she felt slightly guilty about allowing them to completely drop off her radar- the only problem being that once she had messaged Sam she found it increasingly difficult to force herself to think about anything else. It had been the first time she had made any contact with him since she left – she had forced herself not to for the first twenty four hours, even made Traci confiscate her phone like a teenager because she knew if he asked her to she would have walked straight back out the door and back to him again. She felt like her phone was burning a hole in her pocket – like it needed to be out, in view – so that she could see the second he replied, but she battled with herself until at least Chris, Dov and Gail had left and she was helping Traci clear up before she checked her phone, and felt a pang of anxiety in the pit of her stomach when the screen was still blank – no message, no reply. She shoved it back into her pocket when she heard Traci walk up behind her, and turned to take some of the loaded up dishes from her arms.

"Ok – out with it."

Andy busied herself with the dishes, re-arranging the dishwasher in an attempt to fit everything in. "Out with what?"

"Whatever it is that has kept you on a different planet all night."

"What?" Andy turned and peered at her friend, attempting a small smile. Traci narrowed her eyes at her, and abandoned the rest of the dishes she was holding on the counter before holding out her hand – palm open and facing upwards.

"Give me your phone."

"What? Trace..."

"Phone Andy."

Andy shrugged her shoulders and held up both hands, before sucking in a harsh breath and bracing herself for the lecture she knew she was about to get. "Ok...I might have sent him one message."

"Andy!"

"One...just one! I swear! I don't want him to think I don't care...that I'm not thinking about him. He hasn't replied anyway – so it doesn't really matter..." Andy attempted to play the statement off like it hadn't bothered her – that she was taking a zero response from him in her stride, but she knew she hadn't succeeded as soon as Traci's accusatory expression softened.

"He could be busy."

"I know...just because I'm sat around missing him it doesn't mean that he doesn't have anything better to do. It's just..."

"I'm sure he misses you as much as you miss him." Traci opened another bottle of wine and poured them both another glass, perching herself on the edge of her breakfast bar.

"Has Jerry said something...?"

Traci shook her head slightly, and nudged one of the glasses along the bar towards her friend.

"It's just...I left. He told me he wanted me to stay, and I still left..."

"You weren't being unreasonable Andy – it was the right thing to do."

Andy took a large gulp of wine, hoping the warm fuzzy alcohol feeling would eradicate the uneasiness she felt but it didn't work. She peered up a Traci, and waited until she had her friend's complete attention. "How much could one phone call hurt?"

"Andy...seriously?"

"What?!"

"You are not that person...ok? You were many things before him – and you still are, he is not your entire universe. It's only going to make you want to see him more..."

"I just want to make sure he's ok..." She knew she only felt the need to justify herself because she was aware of how ridiculous and whiny she sounded, but she couldn't help it. She was caught up in an endless cycle of feeling sorry for herself and angry at the situation – the fact that she had delayed the break for two weeks was apparently now making it much harder to deal with, now that she had a deeper understanding of exactly what she had been forced to give up.

"Seriously? Andy – he's fine. He's a grown man; he's perfectly capable of looking after himself. I think it would take a lot more than a couple of days of solitude to break Sam Swarek."

Traci took one look at the determined expression on her friends face, and the stubborn set of her jaw and realised she was fighting a losing battle. "Fine...do what you want, it's not like you're going to listen to me anyway. I'm going to bed; I'll see you in the morning." Traci finished off the last of her wine, deposited the glass in her dishwasher and wrapped her arms around Andy in a goodnight hug. "I know it's hard – ok? It wouldn't be a condition of your suspension if it wasn't...but you're both going to be ok." She didn't wait for a response, she had shared her opinion and what Andy did with it was up to her. She gave her friend one final squeeze, and then left her to her own devices – closing the kitchen door to let her know that she had some space to make a call if she needed to.

Andy downed the rest of her wine in one mouthful, using the warming feeling of it spreading through to nudge her into action. She pulled her phone out of her pocket; hit her speed dial and waited for him to answer, she felt the same feelings of unease unravel in her stomach once more when the ringing stopped and his voicemail kicked in. She was suddenly unaware of what to say, struggled to form a coherent sentence in her head – so left a rambling message about two minutes long – filled with questions of his wellbeing, statements of how much she missed him and requests for him to call her. She rolled her eyes at herself as soon as she hung up the phone, but it wasn't like she could take it back – she just hoped he would call her. Traci was right – it hadn't made her feel any better, she had just succeeded in making herself feel a lot worse.


"Are you planning on sulking for your entire McNally free period, because if you keep this up then I'm going to crash at Jerry's." Oliver eyed his friend pointedly from the other 'safe' side of his garage. He had finally ventured out to face him after he heard a crash that sounded like the entire structure was collapsing...or at least that was the impression he got from his bed in the spare room, which was coincidently sharing a wall with what had appeared to have morphed into Sam's new tantrum arena. He knew he was probably trying to make it as difficult as possible for him to sleep, but it had been a long night shift – and this morning was turning into the straw that was about to break his back. He knew Sam was annoyed with him, the silent treatment coupled with the odd grunt of conversation had been enough to clue him in, but enough was enough – he was taking a stand for his sanity.

"Be my guest."

"You're an idiot – you know that right?"

Sam turned and kinked a disbelieving eyebrow at his friend, tossing the handfuls of junk in his hands into a corner. "I'm a little busy, so if the only reason you're here is to insult me or mess with my life then you can stay at Jerry's – I'm not going to argue with you."

"How long did you think the two of you would be able to keep it up for huh? I'm not saying..."

"I'm not talking about this with you." Sam stalked back to the front corner of his garage and began rummaging around in the shelving units, what he was looking for he couldn't even remember – he was just hoping that Oliver would give up and leave him alone.

"Sammy...you can't..."

"Not talking about it."

"Hellooooo!" Sam froze, and he whirled around on the spot – his expression disbelieving as his eyes narrowed and he peered down his driveway. "Wow – you're neighbours must be really fond of you – I could hear you from half way down the street – you do realise it's only 8am right?"

"Sarah? What are you doing here?"

"It's nice to see you too."

"That's not what I meant...you know it's not, just...you should've called."

"So you could tell me not to come...I don't think so. You wouldn't come up, so I've come to see you. It's simple." Sarah reached up and wrapped her arms around her brother in a tight hug, and squeezed his face between her hands when she pulled away – she knew it would irritate him – but she couldn't help it, it was her version of affection and it had been a traditional greeting between the two of them since he had been about two. "How are you?"

"Fine – I'm fine." The squish hold she had on his face meant that the he could barely move his lips, and the words came out muffled – lighting her up in an instant ear to ear grin.

"He's a grouchy sulking ass."

Sarah's eyes widened as she peered through to the back of the garage and noticed for the first time that her brother wasn't alone. Oliver walked towards them, reaching out a hand to shake hers – which she eventually took when Sam peeled her hands away from his cheeks – a questioning eyebrow in place the whole time. "I'm Oliver...Oliver Shaw, I work with Sam."

"Sarah. A grouchy sulking ass?" She peered back and forth between the two of them with a small smile.

Oliver offered her a knowing smile, and Sam scuffed the floor with his boot before clearing his throat. "Coffee?...I'll make coffee."


"Don't." Sam eyed his sister cautiously as he sunk down in the chair opposite her curled up position on the edge of his couch, and her eyes widened in mock innocence.

"Don't what?"

"You have that look."

"What look?"

Oliver shuffled past them both with a plate of toast, and another steaming mug of coffee – making himself comfortable at the other end of Sam's couch and resting his sock covered feet on the coffee table. Sarah passed a soft smile his way in greeting, before turning her attention back to her brother. "I don't have a look."

"Yes you do – you know you do, so just don't. Whatever is brewing in that little head of yours you can keep it to yourself."

"I was just wondering if you had planned to see Andy today."

Oliver snorted from his corner of the couch, but held back on an eye roll after Sam levelled a death glare at him from the other side of the room. Sarah peered back and forth between the two of them with heightened curiosity – apparently she had struck some kind of nerve, but it soon became clear that she was going to have to nudge the conversation along when neither of them actually spoke. "I just thought I would quite like to meet this Rookie of yours - if you guys had plans..."

"She's not my rookie anymore – she was cut lose months ago."

Sarah narrowed her eyes at her brother, and abandoned her coffee on the table in front of her. "Ok fine – partner then, whatever lingo you're currently using..."

"Suspension's kind of put an end to that one...I don't think Frank will be letting that pass so easily."

Sarah's jaw dropped, as she turned and stared open mouthed at her brother's friend – almost willing him to repeat himself so that she could make sure she had heard him properly. She knew she had when she turned back to Sam and registered his clenched jaw and a glare being levelled at the man next to her that could probably make a man twice her brother's size wither. "Suspension? What suspension? Sam?"

Oliver's head snapped up from his inspection of his toast at her question, and with one look at the expression on Sam's face he knew it was time for him to make a hasty exit. "You know what...it's been a long night, and I'm back on the station at 6 so I should probably try and get some sleep...it was nice meeting you."

Sarah nodded in acknowledgement, but didn't move her eyes off of Sam – who watched Oliver shuffle back past him and out the room, and then looked everywhere else except for at her. "What suspension Sam?"

"It's nothing – Do you want to go and get some breakfast? We can go to Bonn's...they still do the best eggs in town – my shout."

"No – I want you to tell me what's going on. I thought you were just taking some time off – a break after you got back."

"I am." He met her eyes for the first time, and shrugged his shoulders. "It's just a little bit more enforced than a holiday."

"Why?"

Sam closed his eyes, allowed his head to slump forward into his hands before issuing a groan. "Why what?"

"You know why what! Why are you suspended?"

"I thought you hated me doing my job."

"I do...but..."

"Then why are you bothered? Can we please just go and get some breakfast? I'm starved, and Oliver has just cleared out the last of any kind of breakfast related material from my kitchen."

"What happened?"

"Some guy in a white shirt came to a half assed conclusion that I was unable to separate my personal life and my job – that me somehow...they seem to be under the impression that I did something that could have jeopardised the UC op I was working on." Sam allowed another weary sigh to escape, before pulling himself to his feet and collecting the empty coffee mugs abandoned on the table and plodding through to his kitchen. Sarah's gaze followed him until he was out of sight, and then she pulled herself up and went after him – finding him fiddling with a fresh pack of coffee and starting another pot.

"...and did you?"

She saw his shoulders tense at her question, but he didn't turn around to face her. "No."

"So they suspended you for nothing?" The statement was heavy with sarcasm, and she hadn't meant for it to sound that way – she was just having a hard time trying to process this new information.

"My personal life has nothing to do with me being able to do my job."

Her lips twisted into a small smile at his statement, and she latched onto it like a dog with a bone. "What personal life? Sam...You haven't even been on a date in at least two years..."

"...and you have?" He was on the defensive, said the words without thinking and his stomach churned in protest as soon as he heard them leave his mouth – bracing himself on the counter and allowing a defeated sigh to escape. "I'm sorry – I don't know why I said that."

"Because you're an ass...and we're not talking about me, we're talking about you."

"McNally." Sam spoke so quietly that Sarah almost missed it. He allowed his hands to slide back off the counter, and looked up to the ceiling – pinching the bridge of his nose in an effort to try and think of what he was trying to say – how he was supposed to put it into words. He was waging a war with himself – one half of him wanted to bury everything he was feeling, lock it away and refuse to deal. The other half wanted him to talk about it – talk to the one person who really knew him, but the words didn't come easily.

"Your rookie?"

Sam smiled in spite of himself, and poured another two mugs of coffee from the freshly brewed pot. He passed one to Sarah before pulling out a chair from his kitchen table and planting himself on it – studying the handle of the mug in front of him and offering a small nod in affirmation.

"I knew it! I knew you she had gotten under your skin when you called me after that first week – I could tell."

Sam sucked in a harsh breath, and followed it with a gulp of coffee before looking back up at his sister with a small smile. "That would catch you up with the rest of the world then, apparently." Something in his expression suddenly filled Sarah with the urge to wrap him up in a tight hug, she didn't get to see the unguarded vulnerable side to him very often – had watched it get slowly locked away under layers upon layers of bricked up walls brought on from his experiences of life through the passing years. She didn't reach out to him – knew from experience that it would brick the crack right back up again, so instead she placed her coffee on his kitchen table and pulled herself up a chair – shoving her hands in her pockets.

"What happened?"

"It was deep cover...I told you that. Only contact was going to be with the Detective running it and his team."

Sarah nodded her head, and offered a small smile encouraging him to continue.

"I wasn't going to do it – I wasn't going to go, but I got sick of...I finally decided that I was waiting on nothing, that it wasn't meant to be and I couldn't stand around and watch her...wait for her to decide to be with someone else so I went. I ran into her in a bar – about two weeks in, and we finally got it together. At least I thought we did...she seemed like she wanted me and I definitely wanted her." Sam downed the last of his coffee in two large gulps, closing his eyes and relishing the feel of it burning down his throat before opening them again and intently studying his empty coffee mug.

Sarah didn't say anything, just sat, watched and waited. She knew he wasn't done. when he didn't say anything for a couple of minutes, lost in his head, she prompted him – gave him a nudge in the right direction. "Is that why you were suspended – because you hooked up with her while you were undercover?"

A humourless half chuckle escaped his lips, before he met her gaze again – running his tongue over his teeth before flashing a dark half smile. "Conduct unbecoming...that's the official term. Conduct unbecoming of an Officer. The timing was off...our timing was way off, but it didn't stop me from doing my job – it had absolutely nothing to do with..." His sentence died off half way as he caught up with himself and stopped before saying what he was about to say.

"Nothing to do with what?" Sam averted his eyes at her question, returning to study his empty mug and Sarah knew in that second that there was something that he wasn't telling her.

"It had nothing to do with the way that things went down, how it finished up. It doesn't make any difference anyway – we were both suspended, no setting foot on station unless invited, no contact with anyone who worked on the case and no contact with each other."

"How did they find out?" Sarah reached over and pulled the mug out of Sam's death grip fingers, thinking it would shatter if he tightened his grip anymore, that, and she was hoping that it would mean he could stop avoiding eye contact with her. "Sam?"

"She told them."

"Why?"

"I thought...I don't know what I'm doing."

"What are you talking about? Sam...?" Her ploy so far hadn't worked, because he was still refusing to meet her gaze – intently studying the table instead, and for a minute she thought he hadn't heard her – until a battered sigh that escaped him pulled on her emotions.

"I have no clue. I keep trying to figure it out – but I have no idea. I feel like I keep trying to convince myself that there is something there that isn't – that I'm enough, that I can make her happy...but I'm not and I can't."

Sam's words unleashed a blinding realisation in his sister, and she cursed herself for not picking up on the signs before – he was in so much trouble, totally and utterly head of heels for this woman. Her realisation was followed very quickly, almost instantly, by an overwhelming urge to track her down and smack her up the side of the head – the pain evident from his last words, and the very idea that she should be able to make him question himself like that instantly sent her into protective sister mode – not that she ever would, but the sentiment was there anyway. She reached out to place a hand on his forearm and offered a reassuring squeeze.

"She would be lucky to have you."

Her words pulled a half laugh, half smile from him in response but it didn't quite sit true. "You have to say that...we come from the same gene pool."

Sarah levelled a pointed eyebrow in his direction at his words. "Sam..."

"She has me. She was here, and she had me – but she left. She worries about the suspension...about losing her job I guess."

"...and you don't?"

"Not enough to not want to be with her...she left and then she called, and I don't know what to do with that. If she wants to play this by the book – no contact, then that's fine – but I can't keep doing the back and forth, and having the floor move from under me...I can't keep trying to make it and then she walks away...It's too hard..." Sam reached across the table for his mug; picking up Sarah's, pulled himself to his feet and shuffled over to the sink – dropping them both in the pile of dishes. She knew that meant he was done, didn't want to talk about it anymore – so she opted for a change in subject to brighten the mood.

"I thought you said you were going to buy me breakfast."


A/N...Here you go! Thank you for the reviews and alerts - you guys are truly awesome! For those of you that are also reading 'Placebo'...I promise to have the next chapter of that up over this coming weekend...been having a hard time getting it to where I'm happy with it, but It's almost there.

I hope you have enjoyed this one...it's a little longer that what I normally post for a chapter, but my fingers ran away with me! Please let me know what you think. xxxx