Ben stayed a few paces behind Ciara all the way back to the mansion. His hands in his pockets, he could practically feel every foot stomp she took into the guest house. She threw the door behind her purposefully - it hit Ben squarely in the shoulder just as she'd intended.
"Ow! Okay, alright. Let me have it already. Anything is better than the silent, and now apparently door treatment." Ben said, rubbing his shoulder. Ciara glared back at him, shooting a look she knew could kill. Any trace of humor or trying to make light of the situation left his face immediately.
"Ciara, I'm sorry. I should have told you about Claire and her stupid scheme and any part I had in it. I should have told you and I'm sorry I didn't."
Ciara had thrown her bag into the chair and was pacing back and forth across the room - she still hadn't looked at him.
"Babe, come on. Talk to me."
"Do. NOT. Use pet names with me right now. Quit acting like your smarmy boss and don't try to charm your way out of this."
"I'm not, Ciara. I... I'm sorry. I was an idiot. I should've never agreed to anything with Claire."
Finally coming to a stop, she faced him. "Don't you get it? You lied to me. You... we... We don't lie to each other, Ben." She said quietly. He sighed, taking off his jacket and throwing it with a little too much force into the chair next to his bed.
"I know. I even told Claire I didn't like deceiving you. I hated it."
"Oh! Well I feel so much better you told CLAIRE how awful you felt lying to me. If you hated it so much, why did you agree to it in the first place?!" Ciara's anger seemed to be rising, and he didn't know how to stop it.
"I - Ciara... I don't even know." He said, running his hands through his hair. "I had nothing going for me. I thought I had no chance with you under any circumstances. And then she was this persistent little reminder that Tripp was better with her and, and..." he shook his head. Her eyes continued to narrow. "Look... There's no excuse I'm going to try to make. I knew I would regret it from the moment it started."
"The whole reason I broke up with Tripp is because of trust. Do I really need to explain to you how important it is to me?"
"No, of course not. I'm not an idiot, I know I screwed up."
"This is more than that, Ben! How am I supposed to trust you now?!" She shouted. Ben sat on the ottoman, head in his hands.
"I... I wanted to do it the right way, Ciara. I wanted to sweep you off your feet the way you deserve. But I couldn't, not after every place and every person in this town reminded me that I'm nothing more than the things I've done. So I agreed to be part of something that I didn't even want because at least it gave me a shot at being around you, of seeing you. It started and ended there for me. I never wanted to manipulate or lie to you."
"Well that doesn't really mean much, does it? Considering you did both."
Ben looked up at her carefully. "You're right. I did. And I may not have done anything directly to break you guys up, but I wanted you to. I don't even know what else I can say to you except I'm sorry. So, whatever happens now is up to you. Whatever you decide to do next, I will respect. I will never take your choices away."
Ciara stood still, arms crossed. He looked at the floor, clearly defeated.
"I wish you had considered my choices then, especially when all I've done is listen to yours."
"And what does that mean exactly?"
"The whole Tripp moving out thing?! You completely flipped out! I listened to your side and I agreed with you, but you just didn't want him around me. Admit it." Ciara fired back.
Ben finally looked up. "Done. I don't want him anywhere near you. I don't want him looking at you, and I certainly don't want him trying to reminisce about old times in that loft."
Ciara scoffed, moving past him. "Do you hear how jealous you sound?"
Ben finally stood up. "We're gonna go there? Okay, fine. You practically wanted to go running after your ex to beg him not to move out of the apartment you lived in together. What the hell was I supposed to feel about that?"
Ciara's eyes widened in anger. "It was about him staying as our roommate! That's it and you know it. I can't just hate him on command because it's convenient for you and your ego, Ben. And it doesn't even compare to you and Claire plotting behind my back!"
"Maybe for you it's about having a roommate, Ciara, but for him it's different and you know it. Claire wasn't into me. Tripp, on the other hand, still wants you. He's still in love with you, you're not stupid. You have to know that." Ben said with frustration.
"That doesn't matter," she said matter of factly.
"And why the hell shouldn't it?!"
"Because I'm in love with you!" Ciara shouted. Her eyes widened as the truth came unbidden out of her mouth, the weight of the words she had spoken hanging between them. Ben stood facing her, frozen.
"What did you say?" Ben asked with a small voice, his face unreadable. For some reason she felt her eyes welling with tears. She shook her head quickly to avoid them from spilling out, the anger she had felt moments ago was now changing into something more consuming she couldn't name.
"Tripp can feel whatever he feels, it doesn't matter to me. I am in love with YOU, Ben. Haven't you figured that out yet?" Ciara said, her voice cracking. He was as frozen as a statue, though his eyes were open, she wasn't sure he was registering what she was saying. Confused, she took a step towards him. He almost leapt backward, recoiling from her movement toward him as if he was a wounded animal. She stopped with even more shock, and slowly lifted both hands to him as a placating gesture.
"Ben... where are you right now?" She asked carefully. His arm was across his chest, fiddling with his collar, like he had in the pub the day he remembered his father murdering a man in front of him. "Ben, babe. Look at me." His eyes seemed to be out of focus. She inched closer to him, he looked around at the floor and then the ceiling.
Ben sat on the edge of his bed, body leaning away from hers. He looked toward the window. "No, Ciara. No, you don't... you can't... love me." He said quietly. She was stunned into silence - of all the things she expected him to say, that was not on her list. She felt a small sting of rejection, but mostly confusion.
"Ben, what the hell are you talking about?"
"Ciara, I'm not... I'm not enough for you. Don't you see? I'll never be the good, squeaky clean guy like Theo. I'll never be in your family's good graces like Tripp. I already screwed up with the stupid Claire thing. I've been trying to fight it because you are - Ciara, you are everything to me. But I know that I'll never be enough for you. I'll always do something to screw it up and I don't ever want you to be hurt because of me." His eyes were pleading, but his hands reached for her. It was like he was at war with himself. "I should let you go. It's the right thing to do."
"So what you're... ending this now? Is - is that what you want?" The pain in her voice was palpable. Ben scoffed.
"What I want? No... Of course that's not what I want. Ciara, I want you. I'll spend the rest of my life just wanting you. But trust is the most important thing to you. And I broke your trust."
Ciara nodded, finally able to step toward him slowly. "Yes. Trust is the most important thing to me, and it always will be. But Ben, when something happens... we're supposed to talk it through and work it out so that we can move forward. We're not just breaking up because we fight, that's not how it works. And definitely not because I tell you that I love you."
"But that's just it, Ciara! How can you want to love someone like me?" His voice was so small, it tore through Ciara's heart. She went to the edge of his bed, kneeling down to grab his face with both hands. As he looked at her, she knew he was completely vulnerable, a state he couldn't stand to be - what she said now had to resonate.
"Ben Weston - I am in love with you. I've never felt this way about anyone in my life. Not Theo, and certainly not Tripp. I know that your past exists, I'm not ignoring it. I love you for who you are now." She said, trying to implant the words into him. "The day you found me on the road, you didn't just save my life. You brought me back to life. I need you. I love you. You are enough for me." She caressed his face, hoping desperately that baring her heart this way would reach him. It had to, there was no other choice. Ben looked at her wordlessly. Assuredness rose up in Ciara as she continued to look back at him - she didn't move, she was resolute and this was her way of showing it to him.
Ben didn't move for a long time, until finally he gave a small smile. "I guess the speech thing goes both ways," he said quietly. His eyes were clear again, and he looked at her as if he were seeing the sun for the first time.
"Yeah, I guess it does." Ciara stood up, and reached for his hands, pulling him to his feet.
"Can you forgive me? For agreeing to Claire's stupid plan? For lying?" He asked, his hands still clearly wanted to reach for her though he didn't. So instead she reached down to grab one of his, holding it firmly.
"Yes, I forgive you."
Relief came off him in waves, but she squeezed his hands.
"But Ben, listen to me. You can't ever lie to me like that again. In fact, no more lies, ever. Okay? We're Ben and Ciara and we don't lie to each other. Deal?"
"Deal." He replied, lifting up her hand to kiss it. Suddenly Ben's eyes narrowed, he looked confused.
"But, Tripp lied to you and you ended it." He said, and she looked down.
"Yeah... I did. He made it clear that he didn't have a problem lying to me, even when he knew I hated it. So I couldn't trust him anymore. And," she looked around awkwardly, unable to find the right words. "And because I wanted to be with you." She admitted finally, unable to look him in the eye. "Once I knew what had really happened, that Tripp had framed you, God, even before - I realized I couldn't deny I had feelings for you anymore. Tripp knew it too, even before I did. So once everything was out... I didn't want to make it work. I wanted you." As she said the words out loud she knew they were true. She smiled to herself, and Ben's eyes seemed to sparkle as she said the last words.
"No lies. Ever." He repeated back.
"Yep. It can be our 'thing'." Ciara said, raising her eyebrows. Ben laughed.
"So... I didn't scare you off with the whole assault via door thing?" She asked with a dazzling smile, that he returned. Ciara's knees went weak again.
"I don't scare that easily - I guess you'll have to work a little harder." He smiled, pulling her towards him. Ben took her hands in his, eyes melting into hers as he raised their hands together, interlocking their fingers. Ciara gazed back at him with a warmth that spread through her every cell.
"I love you." Ciara said quietly.
"I love you." Ben replied softly, leaning his forehead gently against hers. He squeezed her hands and it made her heart swell in her chest. Unable to take another moment she leaned in and kissed him. Quickly he reached for her neck, fingers going into her hair. She felt off balance, even though he held her. Within seconds it wasn't enough, as she pulled him closer she could feel his heartbeat. It was quickening, just like hers - the thought made her feel dizzy. The electricity that had always been between them was practically buzzing in her ears, driving her need to be closer to him. Pulling away suddenly, he looked at her, the heat in his gaze made her stomach knot. She could feel they were approaching a point they never had, and so did he. Answering the question before he could ask it, she seized his shirt pulling him into a kiss: there was no turning back now.
