Doctor Greene
I hate this, having to deal with Christian Grey's pregnant 14 year old daughter. I brought her into the world, took care of her mother when she carried her and now I'm having to provide the same level of service to her, at just 14 years old. Christian Grey was a peculiar fella. For years I'd see women coming to me, paid for by him, and it was the same treatment for all of them. They'd get a full STI/D work up, pregnancy test, birth control and a PAP smear. The girls were all similar too, young, petite with dark hair. Ana fit his tastes and when I saw her for the first time it was all routine for me except that all I'd been told was to examine her and go through her birth control options and that was that.
Now of course I know more of the truth, Ana was a virgin when she started dating Christian Grey so he had no reason to be concerned about Ana's sexual history. I knew she was different from the moment I met her, the other girls had been so self-confident and self-assured, Ana hadn't been she was shy and much more timid and quiet. I made my opinion known to Christian after that first visit with Ana, he wasn't impressed but there we go, I'd kept my opinions about his slew of women to myself for all that time. I think I had the right to have an opinion!
"Phoebe Grey." I call through my open door and I see Ana, Christian and Phoebe rise from their seats and come towards me. Phoebe looks a little bit more comfortable this time, Christian looks as on edge as ever and Ana… well I'm worried about what I see in front of me, she's gaunt and withdrawn and I know she's not taking proper care of herself.
"Right then, so a dating scan today even though we've given you an approximate due date we'll review that and I'll take some measurements make sure everything is coming along properly. Does that sound ok Phoebe?" I ask her gently, I'm treating her with kid gloves because… well she's a kid after all.
"That sounds fine." Phoebe nods and I tap on the table and she quickly hop's on, turning her to up as she goes. Her mother obviously explained to her what was going on here today.
I quickly put the ultrasound gel onto her tummy and get to work, wanting to get this over and done with as quickly as possible for everyone. Ana and Christian stand together, him behind her, just next to Phoebe. Ana is bouncing from one foot to the other, Christian is trying to look stoic and is failing.
"Ok Phoebe, this is your foetus." I turn the screen towards her and point at the image on the screen.
"It actually looks like a bit of a baby now." She muses, yep the foetus changes a lot from 7 to 12 weeks though I don't tell her that. I know from a brief call with Ana that Phoebe is still weighing up her options and I don't want to accidently influence her in any way.
"I'm just going to take some more measurements, then we'll get you weighed and measured."
I quickly take all the measurements I need, glad to see that things are perfect and just as they should be. Not a surprise really, while a pregnancy on a teenage girl is hard mentally, their bodies are ready to carry a baby; which is frightening when you really think about it, 14 year olds shouldn't be carrying babies.
"Ok here if you wipe the gel off then you can give me a urine sample." I pass over some blue roll before grabbing at a sample pot. I saw Phoebe's nose wrinkle when I said I needed a sample and again I'm reminded that this is a child I'm dealing with, while urine samples aren't a fun part of pregnancy they're a big part of them and most women don't show any emotions when asked for one. Yet, here I have a child looking disgusted at the fact I need some of her pee.
Phoebe goes off to the toilet and I look from Ana to Christian, they both look so nervous.
"How is she doing?" I ask, I know I'm more likely to get an honest perspective from the parents.
"She's doing better than we expected." Ana says and I can hear the strain in her voice, god this has aged her so much and even I can see it.
"We're doing everything we can to support her." Christian adds thoughtfully though I didn't need him to, I'd figured by how much happier Phoebe was coming in that she was being well supported.
Phoebe comes out of the bathroom and it brings my conversation with her parents to an end for now. I take the urine sample and pop in a test stick before turning to my patient.
"Right, have a seat." I tell her and I see the worry in her eyes, oops, maybe I should have said everything was perfect first. "So baby is perfect." Nice save Doctor Greene. "Growing just as I would expect it to at this stage. We're still looking at May twenty second as your estimated due date which as I explained to you last time doesn't really mean anything because baby could come before baby could come after." Phoebe nods along with me to show me she's listening and taking it all in.
"So, my understanding is at the moment you're considering various forms of adoption?" I give away that I had a brief call with Ana but I think I need to because Phoebe doesn't seem to want to talk to me today. She nods again. "Ok, so we need to start thinking about the birth because if you do have an adoption you still get full control up until the baby is born and then in most circumstances you'll still have some say up until the handover." I know this isn't fun to listen to, it's no fun to talk about either but Phoebe has some very important decisions to make and she needs to start making them. "You need to start talking to your parents about where you'd like to give birth and who you'd like to be around you, not only your birthing partners but if you want a specific midwife and a doula, you may even want a different OBGYN and you need a paediatrician."
"When do I need to make these decisions by?" Phoebe has gone pale, I think she's starting to realise how much of a big deal giving birth is.
"As soon as possible, the more time you spend with your team, getting to know them and them getting to know you then the easier things will be." She nods softly, I know it's hard, it's hard for a full grown woman who planned her pregnancy with her husband, so it's especially hard for a 14 year old girl who definitely didn't plan on falling pregnant.
"Ok so I'm just going to fill in all the details into your maternity file and then I want to have a quick chat with Mom." I say looking now at Christian, I need to talk to Ana alone and he needs to get that.
"About me?" Phoebe asks her voice going up an octave in the process.
"No darling, about her, I'm not allowed to talk to your parents about you without you there in regard to this." I explain, though technically I did with Ana when we spoke last.
Phoebe and Christian leave together giving me the opportunity to speak to a woman who has been my patient for 17 years.
"You're looking sick." I don't beat around the bush about this.
"I'm ok." Ana whispers, at least she has the decency to look ashamed about it.
"Ana, this is taking it's toll on you and that's ok you know?" I want her to know she can trust me and lean on me if she needs to. I know I'm not anyone special, just the person who delivered her kids and gives her pap smears but someone needs to get her to see just how bad she looks.
"I'm barely sleeping, I'm struggling to eat, I'm tired and I'm stressed. I'm doing my best by Phoebe and she's taking all the energy I have right now." I can see how defeated she is without listening to a word she's saying, though I catch every single one of them.
"Go see your GP Ana, get a sleep aid and get some calorie boosters. You'll be no good to Phoebe if you're not looking after yourself. I know it's easier for me to say as an outsider but she needs you, she needs you at your best and strongest and you're not right now."
"Thank you Doctor Greene." She says getting to her feet. I know I've over stepped the mark. I don't care, I'm a doctor and I have a duty of care to my patient, even if it is outside my area of expertise.
"Please Ana, get seen." She nods and heads for the exit, ending the conversation right there and I can only hope that she listens to me.
Christian
Ana came out of Doctor Greene's office looking like she'd seen a ghost, but with Phoebe here I don't question it. Instead I get my girls into the car and we head to the mile high club for some lunch before they abandon me to go and see the adoption agency. Phoebe didn't ask me to go with them and I don't mind, I don't think it's something I could deal with anyway.
"Mom I don't even know where to start making decisions about the birth." Phoebe starts as soon as we've sat down and given our orders. She thankfully waits until the servers have left the room because doesn't matter how many NDA's you get signed, you can't stop leaks.
"Well we'll have a look through your file later and we'll look everyone up, you can even meet with people and decide if you like them." Ana explains gently, I can see this conversation is awkward for her but she won't let on to Phoebe.
It seems to be enough for Phoebe for now and I'm grateful when our food comes through quickly.
We eat in relative silence but I keep glancing over at Ana wondering what it was Doctor Greene wanted to talk to her about. I know she'll probably tell me when I ask. However, I don't know if I want to ask, I don't want to force her to tell me something that may be private. I know that's ironic, that I want to give Ana some privacy but I know how hard this whole thing with Phoebe is on her and while she's doing all she can to hide it from Phoebe.
I'm just at a loss. I don't know what to do or how to help. I'm taking my lead as much as I can from Ana and Phoebe because that's what Flynn advised me to do. He's amazed by me, I'm actually listening to him and taking on his advice rather than just trying to get him to agree with my point of view.
"Phoebe, how about next week you and I go out on the Grace two?" I suddenly ask and I don't even know why. I just feel like I want to and need to reach out to my daughter and give her the opportunity to spend time with me.
"I'd really like that Dad." She says softly, he big grey eyes looking at me. Damn, she may have my eye colour but her eyes are just like Ana's. Big doe eyes with long eyelashes that can melt my heart with a single look.
"Just the two of us?" I ask to clarify, that's not me telling Ana she can't come because if she wanted to she'd be welcome but we've always made the effort to have one on one time with the kids since they were little. We started it to stop Teddy hating Phoebe when she came along.
"Yes please." She beams a bright smile at me and I nod at her. I feel like I've accomplished something getting her to agree to come with me.
I mean, after the incident where she'd been photographed looking at baby clothes I wasn't sure she'd even speak to me again. She didn't for days, even when I asked her a question she would turn away from me and ignore me. For the first few days it caused me to raise my voice but then Ana told me that I was just making things worse. So instead I ignored her back. That seemed to do the trick and just like that I was forgiven and she was talking to me as though it had never happened. That's what I love most about Phoebe, she has the most forgiving heart.
Anastasia
"Grey to see Louise Hawks." I try and put on a confident front while inside I'm shaking. I hate this so much. We're here to talk about Phoebe's options when it comes to adoption and I know the next couple of hours are going to be the hardest of both our lives.
This is such a giant step for my little girl and I don't know how she's going to cope with it. I have to be the brave one, take her lead, listen to her and help and guide her if she needs it. What I can't do is make any decision for her, if she asks for my opinion I'll give it but otherwise she has to make this decision on her own. Otherwise she'll blame me for her decisions forever.
"Hello Ana and Phoebe?" A small round lady with dark hair and skin and glasses asks as she walks towards us.
"Yes." I reply stepping forward my hand out to shake hers. She smiles softly at me then shakes Phoebe's hand too. My eyes meets Phoebe's briefly and I see the fear in her deep grey eyes.
We follow Louise Hawks through to a small little office, it has light purple walls and white drapes on the curtains. Fake plants sit on the coffee table trying to make the place feel warm. Over the walls are pictures of happy families with their children.
"So please take a seat." She signals to the chairs and Phoebe sinks into one while I grab one of the others, the one closest to her. Louise takes the third seat and picks up a manila folder from the table. "So Phoebe, you're how many weeks now?"
"Twelve" her voice is barely a whisper.
"Ok so plenty of time." Louise smiles, it's reassuring but I hear the gulp that Phoebe does. "So your Mom tells me you have lots of questions and you haven't yet decided if adoption is the way you want to go am I right?" I like her, she's soft and gentle without being patronising, good way to Phoebe's heart. I sense Phoebe nodding beside me. "Ok, so what would you like to know first?"
"I don't know, everything I guess." Phoebe sounds so childlike it's scary. I can't remember the last time she sounded so vulnerable.
"Ok." Louise nods and smiles. "So, first off the most important thing I tell all my birthmother's is every decision is yours. So you don't just decide to give your baby to a forever family but you're involved in the entire process from choosing the right family, to making decisions about the pregnancy and the birth without their agreement if you want to. You also can decide whether you want an open or a closed adoption. Do you know what the differences are?" Phoebe shakes her head in response, she's listening intently. "Ok so in an open adoption, you can have time before the baby comes to get to know the family, this can be in whatever way you want. We have some birth moms go and stay with the family for a weekend, we have some who have weekly contact, others who see the family a few times before birth. Also then in an open adoption after baby has gone to the forever family there's an opportunity to stay in contact, from yearly letters, to regular updates and pictures and some even have visits with the family. It all depends on what birthmother wants and what the adoptive family agree to. In a closed adoption, you will choose the family but that will be it, you won't ever get to meet them and you won't be able to have any contact with the family or the child until they turn eighteen."
"Closed adoption sounds scary." Phoebe says, I agree with her, I don't like the idea of this baby going to a names on a piece of paper.
"It's not very popular." Louise replies. "Do you have any questions about that?"
"If the forever family and I came to an agreement about contact can they change that afterwards?" Phoebe asks making me feel so proud, it's a very mature question and I'd like the answer as much as Phoebe.
"They often change afterwards." Louise says. "But that's usually for more contact not less. So often after the birth, birth mother's like some space to grieve and come to terms with the fact that the baby has gone to a forever family. Then the contact starts and as the baby becomes older they want to have more of a relationship with their birthmother so the family usually goes with that. I have one birthmother who sees her 9 year old once a month now. She didn't see her for the first year of life by her choice and then she saw her once in the second year of life, twice in the third year… you see the pattern, the contact became more as the child grew." Louise explains this very well and I'm surprised by her answer. I imagine horror stories where after the adoption papers are signed that the family runs off with the baby never to be heard of again. "We do our best to screen the forever family so we don't get many that go against contact agreements." It's as if she read my mind.
"So how would I get to choose a family?" Phoebe enquires fearful again. I can't imagine what's going through her mind.
"Well, you and me and Mom and anyone else you want to be involved, would put together a file all about you. We would ask you lots of questions and make a profile with you. Then in that profile we'd also find out what kind of family you want for the child. Then we play matchmaker and I promise, we're pretty good at it." She smiles again and Phoebe nods, she must be happy with what she's hearing. "Then we'd give you the forever family files that we think match what you want and who you are and you would be able to choose which ones you'd like to meet and know more about. Some only meet one and they go with them, other women will meet with a few before they make a decision. You will choose the family."
Phoebe nods again and Louise sits back a little, giving Phoebe the opportunity to process what she's been told. It's a lot to take in and more decisions for Phoebe to make. I bet she's sick of being told she needs to make decisions.
"Do I get to change my mind?" Phoebe asks and Louise smiles, it's obviously a question she was expecting.
"You can change your mind up until the adoption order is signed." Louise replies. "But we do hope to get you to the position where you know before you make the final decision that adoption is right for you. We will give you a load of support leading up to the birth and then after the adoption you'll be given counselling for as long as you need it to help you get back on your feet after the adoption."
I like the sound of that, they make sure she's making the right decision for her and support her afterwards. That sounds very promising because going through with the adoption is one thing, living with that decision afterwards is another.
Phoebe
"I think I'm leaning towards an open adoption." I say quietly. I'm so nervous but the lady is so lovely and kind and she's put me at ease a lot.
"Ok." She nods softly and her eyes dip from Mom to me. "Do you think you'd like to start building your profile?"
My profile. The tool they will use to try and match me up with suitable families who I may choose to have my baby.
"Ok." I nod again and look at Mom, she's doing her best to hide all her emotions but her eyes betray her. I see the sadness there and I feel so guilty knowing I've caused it.
Louise gets a pen out and starts asking me loads of questions, from the personal details such as my date of birth and address to asking about my likes and dislikes. It feels so weird but the questions are really easy to answer.
"Ok, so if you were to think about what kind of person you would want to be a Mom to your child what kind of traits would you like them to have?" Louise asks and I look at my Mom, I want her help now.
She smiles and nods encouragingly at me. She doesn't say anything and I realise it's because I need to decide what kind of person I want, she can't make that decision for me.
"They need to be loving, with a big heart." I say quietly and Louise nods and writes it down. "They should be kind and warm." I don't even know, I'm just thinking about my own Mom and think she did a pretty good job with Teddy and I so someone like her would be perfect. "Quietly confident, not arrogant or over the top but not someone that's really nervous."
"This is great Phoebe. You're doing really well." Louise reassures. "What about a father?"
"Do you let gay couples adopt?" It comes tumbling out without me even trying, but I am intrigued seeing as she's asking about a mom and a dad, what about a mom and a mom or a dad and a dad.
"Yes of course we do." Louise nods. "Is that something you'd be interested in?"
"Well I just… I don't think we should focus on Mom and Dad when maybe someone would fit my profile who are gay." I splutter, I really don't know why I asked but we have been brought up to be very accepting of people and I know that in the US the laws differ about gay rights and things but here in Washington gay people have full protection from discrimination, can marry and adopt too.
"Ok, well even though we're using the terms Mom and Dad it's a bit more like parent one and parent two and when we start matching you with families we'll look at same sex couples too." Louise beams at me and I guess she likes that I asked about that.
Mom reaches over and gives my knee a squeeze, I guess she likes that I asked about it too.
"So parent two or father?" Louise encourages me to continue.
"He should be… strict but not overly but someone who likes rules and boundaries. Someone who is confident and self assured. He should be loving." I just think of my Dad, he has his faults but he has been an amazing father to me and Ted and why wouldn't I want someone like that to be a parent to my child?
"This is really good Phoebe." Louise reassures.
She continues to ask me questions and write down the information, she asks about my daily routines, my family, everything you can think of she asks it. Then she takes my photo and quickly prints it out.
"So what I'm going to do now is I will type all this up and I will work with our placement team and help find matching parents. Then we will give you their profiles to look at and consider. You'll be able to take those home with you but you can also work with our team to go over those? How does that sound?"
"Perfect." I nod, I like how supportive this place is, you don't just say you want to give away your child and they take them, they make it a journey full of support.
"And how does Mom feel?" Louise asks looking at Mom who has been quiet throughout.
"I just want Phoebe to be happy." She says with a tense smile, I look at her, reach for her hand and give it a squeeze to reassure her that I am.
"So Phoebe, if I was to make an appointment with you with our pregnancy counsellors for next week so they can talk to you and stuff then maybe we'll even have some profiles for you to take home with you by then?" Louise asks, this suddenly feels fast. I know I don't have all the time in the world but it's like they want me to sign on the dotted line and give this baby away today.
"Why?" I ask nervously, they want me to see a counsellor already?
"Well we want to make sure that this is your decision, that you're not being influenced and that you understand what your rights are and things. I promise it's all about supporting you and making sure you're happy and comfortable." Louise doesn't seem offended by my sudden uncertainty.
"Ok." I nod, I guess it's just part of the process, they're making sure I want this.
"Mrs Grey, I take it we don't need to discuss pregnancy expenses and things?" Louise turns back to Mom, I'm not sure I know what she means by that.
"No everything is taken care of." Mom replies. "We are with an OBGYN, we're going to try and meet with a midwife this next week now and I think Phoebe will give birth at Swedish maternity centre."
Well that's news to me! But Mom knows what she's talking about, Swedish is where Teddy and I were born so my guess is it's the best of the best as Dad wouldn't have let Mom give birth just anywhere.
"Ok, that's good, we have to ask just because we do help with expenses when it's needed." Louise explains softly. "So I'll set up the appointment for you Phoebe and we'll see you next week."
And just like that my adoption journey begins.
