Okay here you go... I'd like to point out this is the last chapter of the story itself ...

TGW isn't mine which we all should know by now.


Steering the Ship

Chapter 12

I stare at her in shock. I turn her words over in my head again and again. She wasn't meant to have heard me. Yes, I had wanted to tell her, but I also knew it would scare her to pieces, make her pull back. I know Alicia, I know her better than anyone, and I know too bold steps can make her snap shut like an oyster. I had known I shouldn't tell her those words as they would likely ruin our days. That they would spell the doom before it happened. And yet here I was facing that happening.

I try to go over the day again, it is confusing because she honestly had seemed fine in the morning, hadn't she? I mean she was nervous or at least seemed to be, but it wasn't out of what I would have expected of her after the romantically charged moments of yesterday, and the heavy conversations we had. She had seemed to have fun while I let her handle the boat, and she had even wanted me to take her out on the water again, she had basically hinted she wanted to see me again. I know she could mean as friends and once lovers. If it meant I got to spend time with her I would likely still take it, even if it hurt like hell. But she could just as well have meant more with how she had been acting.

I remember our teasing game, and that is when I freeze. I glance away unable to look at her suddenly. I know her, I was married to her, I was even married to her after I hurt her. I know how she can react, and suddenly the sexually charged afternoon makes sense on another level. One where it might not be so much about trust and teasing and sharing such a bond, one where I remember she was the one asking about fantasies. Where she turned it sexually again after our morning together. One where I realize it might very well have been her try at pushing the romance away and make it about sex again. The moment I realize I close my eyes and swallow hard.

I open them and look over at her again. She has sat up on the bed and is looking at me clearly waiting for an answer, but as my eyes meet hers she closes her eyes and turns her head a little and I swallow hard. I remember the walk on the pier, and think of how it felt to hold her slim hand in mine once again. How much I had enjoyed it. How she actually hadn't pulled away there, which is confusing as well if she was panicking. Yet I also remember the moment I tried to kiss her and she turned her head, I remember how she suddenly was acting outside the store. I had thought it was about us walking hand in hand and her realizing suddenly she actually was happy in that moment, even though everyone saw us.

Now I know it wasn't just that. But that our actions had brought my words of last night to her mind once again. She opens her eyes again and looks like she is ready to say something, probably apologize if I know her right.

"I am sorry I didn't say anything earlier..." She whispers and I stare at her, taking in her words. Words facing a fact I hadn't even thought about until now. A fact that makes me get up and walk out of the bedroom and crawl upstairs and leave the boat, because I can't be close to her right now. I hear her call after me, and yet I don't stop. She has known, the whole day she has known what I felt, she had heard my confession and yet she had played it as nothing.

Right now I can't look at her, it would cause a fight, a fight I should probably have known was unavoidable in the end though we had done everything we could not to fight and talk with each other instead. I have a better feeling of her and where her mind is now than I had in years. I understand past actions now, I do. I know there is a lot still unsaid, and yet so much has been said that should have been brought to light years ago.

However the thing I had overlooked that now has me leaving is how much I was actually in it again, and how even though she was open and affectionate she wasn't. I am once again the fool in love I was the last years of our marriage, and she is the one running the whole game, calling all the shots. I walk along the water, knowing it will calm my mind and make it possible for me to face her once again. Which I need to.

I need to tell her loud and clear that she has my heart and she always did, even when I treated her badly and hurt her though I had promised to cherish, honor and protect her the day we met and fell in love. Vows I had done once more this time before God and our families as we married. Vows I had broken when I cheated on her again and again, and made her go through a scandal, where the press hurt her and our kids. Where the press and Amber called her untrue names, names that caused pain in her I was unable to remove no matter how much I wished to. Pain that had made it impossible for her to trust me again.

Yet here we are once again back down the rabbit hole and she seems to have trusted me out here, but right now I don't know if that is true or just my rose colored glasses that show me what I wish and long to see. After all a man in love tends to overlook the signs and things he doesn't want to face. Those that make it hard to make his case.

I glance over the water. It is blowing up to storm like the water is a symbol of the storm I know is coming the second I go back to the boat and face her. Alicia and Peter round four, or are we on more? I think I stopped counting along the way. I swallow hard, as I dread the storm. I know how it will end, I know she will leave me at the end of it, no matter where her head and heart might be I do know her. And I know the fall out before it happens because of the past. I sigh and slowly start the walk back.

I have no idea how long I have been gone and a part of me also knows and dreads the fact that she might very well have left while I was gone. Chosen to escape while the memories of this trip could still remain mostly pleasant, not colored by a fight. However it isn't what I am faced with as I walk inside. What I am faced with is her, cooking. She is dressed in something she must have bought while we were shopping. A blue and white dress making her look more nautical than I could ever have expected. She glances up as I climb down the stairs. Her gaze flickers and she looks down, a light rose color in her cheeks.

"I decided to make dinner, since I didn't know how long you planned on being gone." She offers and I stare at her in amazement, and surprise. Of all the scenarios I saw play out in my head this isn't one of them, actually far from. She tilts her head and bites her lip.

"It smells amazing." I offer, unable to really figure out what else to say. She nods slowly.

"Thank you, I hope it will also tastes amazing." She pause for a second before clearing her voice.

"Peter I'm sorry. I am not really sure what I am apologizing for, but it feels like I should. That I hurt you and for that I am sorry." I stare at her taking in her words and how nervous she looks. I shake my head slowly.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I misread something, it is on me not you." I mumble, even though I hate the words.

"No, you didn't. I have enjoyed my time here with you. More than I could have imagined the day I saw you back in DC. I have enjoyed every second and every word spoken." She whispers and I my mouth drops open.

"What do you mean?" I ask, trying to really catch on to what she is saying.

"I enjoyed it all Peter, also last night. And the fact is if I was different, if things were different... less complicated..." She whispers and breaks off, shaking her head.

"We can make everything different, Alicia. If we are brave enough." I offer her as I walk closer to her. She moves closer as well, so she is within my reach though we are not touching yet.

"I know we might be able to, I know there is a chance. But it doesn't change things. While you were gone I got another call. I need to go back. I need to face the real world again. This out here is a break from reality Peter. It is easy and the time here feels like that of someone else's life. But it is that. It isn't real. We live different lives like I said the other day. My life is back in Chicago, and yours is here." She whispers and I stare at her, still in shock. I grab her hand holding on to it, almost clinging to it. And she squeezes mine in return.

"There are ways Alicia, if we both want it." I tell her and pull her closer so I can touch her face. She nods against my hand.

"I know there are ways, but I also know I can't ask you to give up the east coast for me, just like I can't give up Chicago for you. I can't give it up for something that might work, and I can't ask you to do the same. What if we come back and find that it might work here where we are alone and can't escape, which force us to talk and not run off or just fight, but can't in there. What if we are over in six months and I have asked you to give up your life and time here. I can't do that. I don't want you to resent me, Peter. And I fear you would at some point." She whispers, her voice barely audible as she adds the last words. I swallow hard, trying to get rid of the sudden thickness in my throat.

"I would sell the boat and move back to Chicago today if it meant I had a chance with you again, you wouldn't even need to ask, I would offer." I admit as I caress her cheek. She leans into my hand.

"I know, you would. Which is why it is unfair to you, as I wouldn't offer. You are willing to do it for me, but I am not willing to do it for you." She admits and I close my eyes for a moment.

"You work in Chicago. I can look for a job just as well in Chicago as on the east coast." I argue with her and she nods.

"That maybe true... though you have fewer political options locally than national. And we both know that." She gives me a pointed look before she continues.

"And it's not just that you have the option to see our kids here often. You have made a life for yourself here. You can see Grace and Zach each weekend if you want to and they do. I can't, I work late hours, and I barely eat or sleep as it is. I wouldn't have much to offer you, not when you gave up your new life for me. It is unfair Peter. And I can't let you do it. Especially not while the chance of us not making it work for years to come is so high. That and I am not ready for the world to know about us. I realized that earlier." She admits and I look away, there the real truth is starting to come out, her fears.

"If you left the boat with me today I wouldn't be ready to walk hand in hand with you in the airport, where people might recognize us. I wouldn't be ready for the press to know, or even my family. Not even the kids, as I wouldn't want to confuse them, if it doesn't work out. It isn't fair for you to give up your life for that. For a secret affair when I can find time in my schedule." She explains and I sigh.

"So you will leave? Forgetting all of this? If you are able to do that it is probably because it didn't mean enough for you to begin with." My words are harder and colder than I want them to be, and the way she flinches she is clearly shocked as well.

"You have no idea how much this time meant to me, Peter. It meant everything, and it will as I leave as well. I won't be able to forget a single second." She admits softly and I feel wetness on my thumb that has me glance at her face where a single tear is making it's way down.

"Is it easier if I leave tonight?" She offers, her voice thick as well in that moment and I consider it. Right now it might very well easier if I didn't have to look at her again, and yet the thought of her leaving right now makes my heart ache.

"No, don't... stay tonight..." I beg her and she nods. I pull her fully into my arms resting my forehead against hers.

"I love you Alicia, if this is the only chance I will get to say it, you need to know." I tell her and she nods, and reach up to press her lips against mine.

"I know." She breathes against my lips. I kiss her deeply and as long as possible, only breaking as oxygen becomes an issue. Through the night I grab every chance I get to kiss her, not that it will make tomorrow easier, but because I want to remember, I want to be able to never again forget how sweet she tastes or the small sigh in the back of her throat. I want to remember the lines of her face and the flicks of brown in her mossy green eyes. I even want to remember how the color of those eyes changes depending on her mood. Just like I want to remember the bow of her mouth and every beauty spot on her body.

The food is great though I barely taste it, and she doesn't seem to eat much either or even care for the food she had prepared. Instead the second I let my fork fall to the plate, she takes the chance to crawl into my lap to wrap herself around me as close as humanly possible.

We surprisingly enough don't make love the night or at least not in the traditional sense. Instead I touch her, I trace every inch of her skin with my fingers and lips, and she does the same to me after, before I hold her close to my chest as sleep takes me.

The second I wake up in the darkness of the bedroom, I know she is gone. I know, she decided she couldn't face me in the morning, and I know it is because she loves me as well. I know she feels it but it doesn't change who she is.

I know I won't be able to get back to sleep, so I can just as well pack up and take the boat out on the water once again. After all I need the clear weather the water will offer I need it to clear my mind.

Staying in the bedroom means I am left in the smell of her that still lingers on my sheets. Sheets that probably won't be washed for a long time, no matter how painful it will be. It is a lot like the morning two days ago where I thought her gone and yet worse, because this time I know it is final.


Okay I know, I know I am a sadist and all that just like RK... sorry guys. but hey I am not exactly as bad, because there is an Epilogue ;-) And if you kill me now you won't get that one... so please don't kill me;-) Also I am sorry this chapter wasn't longer I had thought it would be, but as I wrote it I realized everything else would make it seem over stuffed... (Also sorry for the lack of sex/smut lol but I was trying to show it wasn't about sex that last night, by not decribing in details.) Please review and let me hear your thoughts, even if it is to kill me lol.