Hey you guys! I didn't have time to post on Tuesday, so sorry about that but I did warn you. And today I'm sick and nearly forgot, cuz I've just been binge watching Youtube all day. Honestly. Dan and Phil, Thomas Sanders, these are the things I do in my free time. Lol, I'm tireedddddd.
To Skye7Diamond: you're definitely right about that. Yoshi is like the father of all fathers, he's great. You'll see.
To StoryAdict: gosh, you're way too nice. Lmao, I got an umbrella last spring and then stepped on it and broke it the same day. Thanks so much! I love you! *hug*
To meowelina: heh, thanks! I'm glad you like how I write the characters. Here's an update for ya!
To AkimiTheWriter: GEEZ hold your horses there's still gonna be TIME for people to die. Lol. Not getting anything else from me ;D
To TheHomieKnownAsB: I'm glad you're enjoying it! Welcome to the angst train! WOO WOO!
To Shaymandy: yeah… it is pretty heavy. Hopefully, it doesn't get too intense!
WARNINGS: Mentions physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, Hospital, doctors, trauma. The good stuff.
Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT
And now, enjoy!
Raphael sat cross-legged on the bed, Michelangelo across from him. Both held cards in their hand, but only one was utterly confused by them. That one was Raphael.
"This game sucks," he grumbled moodily, Mikey looked at him with a frown.
"But you're winning." he pointed out. Raph blinked in surprise.
"I am?" he asked incredulously, "but I can't even- how do I win again?"
"Whoever has none first." Mikey replied, "you have two less than I do because of your match last turn. Remember?"
"Oh yeah." Raph tilted his head, squinting at the cards. "I forgot."
"Let me think…" Mikey tapped his chin. "Do you have any salmon?"
"I have no idea what that means." Raph sighed, turning a card over to see if it made more sense. "These all look like fish."
"They have the names," Mikey said, Raph scowled, looking at the three cards. How the heck was he supposed to read all these crazy made up words? They made even less sense than the book Donnie had given him. Probably because there was no context of normal words.
"What do the salmon look like?" he finally asked.
"They're the red ones," Mikey said, holding up his card. "Like this."
"Okay…" Raph looked at his cards again. "Yeah, I have two of those why?" Mikey sighed, facepalming.
"Did you even explain the rules?" Leo asked from next to Donnie, who was asleep. Mikey scoffed.
"Everyone knows how to play go fish, Leo," he said. Raph scowled, dropping his cards.
"I don't," he growled in annoyance. "I don't even know what the heck a salmon is, Mikey! Go play with someone else!" he flopped down onto his pillows, the scowl still stuck on his face. Mikey didn't say anything, and Raph didn't really care. He understood they were trying to make him feel better about being stuck in this stupid room, he understood that the kid just wanted to have fun, but Raph had never played a card game in his life until now.
"I'm sorry Raph," Mikey said softly, sniffing. Raph groaned, pulling a pillow over his face. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
"Why don't you put the cards away for a while?" Leo suggested. "You could go find Mom and Dad, they went to get something to eat a little bit ago."
"Okay." Mikey let out a long sigh, gathering up the cards. "I'll go. I know when I'm not wanted." Raph frowned, lifting the pillow.
"Mike that's not what he means!" he said, alarmed, "Leo was just trying ta help it don't mean he doesn't want you!" Mikey looked at him for a second, then smiled.
"Oh, thanks Raph," he said, then set the cards on a shelf and walked out. Raph sighed, feeling like he'd done something wrong. Why had Mikey looked at him like that? He dropped the pillow back onto his face, closing his eyes. He'd been stuck in here for a week, and he absolutely hated it.
"What's up Raph?" Leo lifted the pillow.
"Your ego," Raph replied, pulling it back. Leo snorted.
"I mean it, what's wrong?" he asked. Raph sighed.
"I hate this place," he grumbled, sliding the pillow to rest on his abdomen. "I wanna leave." Leo frowned sympathetically.
"You will eventually Raph, but it takes time," he said softly. Raph snorted.
"What takes time, Leo?" he complained. "I don't know what the heck they're waiting for! It's not like I broke my leg or anything, why can't I just leave?" Leo sighed.
"Another reason is that… Dad wants you to stay with us. But that takes time, and if you leave the hospital now you'll probably get dumped into the system and put with a random family that doesn't even know you. That's why." Raph lay there looking at the ceiling for a moment.
"Why does he want me to stay with you?" he grumbled, Leo frowned.
"Raph, where would you go other than with us? We care about you, and you saved Dad, and you deserve to be taken care of by people who love you." Raph turned his head, looking at Leo with a blank expression.
"And you're saying you love me," he said. Leo looked at the floor, eyes darting from side to side. "Uh huh."
"Raph…" Leo finally said, "you deserve to be loved." Raph hummed, putting his hands under his head. "You do," Leo said firmly. "Mikey loves you like a brother, he always has. And Mom and Dad care about you a lot."
"Cuz I saved Yoshi." Raph finished bitterly. "Yeah, I get it, Leo, okay?"
"That's not the only reason," Leo said softly. Raph chose to ignore this and remain silent. Of course, it was the only reason, why would they care about him for any other one? Mikey liked him, but that was because he liked everyone in the whole world. But Yoshi? The guy had only known him for a week. How could he care for any reason other than the fact that Raph instigated his rescue? He couldn't, that's how. Leo took a deep breath, and Raph knew the guy was about to keep talking.
"Whatever you think," he said gently, "we do care about you. Dad wants to take care of you, and so do we."
"I don't need a babysitter," Raph said moodily, hugging the pillow to his chest. "Or parents. I can do fine on my own Leo."
"I bet," Leo said sarcastically, Raph scowled. "Raph, can't you just accept help? You were like this before, too! We'd try to help you with your chores or whatever, but no, strong lone wolf Raph had to do it on his own!" Raph felt like he'd been slapped in the face. Is that really what Leo thought? He clamped his eyes shut again, curling into a ball around the pillow. Leo seemed to realize what he'd said. "Oh man, Raph I didn't mean it like that." Raph ignored him. "Raph I'm sorry. I know that wasn't the reason, I was just…" he trailed off and Raph sighed internally. He knew it. Leo was still just the perfect son, perfect brother, and was always right the first time. He didn't care, of course, he didn't.
"What is going on in here?" Yoshi walked in and the sound of the grown man's voice made Raphael squeak in surprise and terror, curling up tighter. Leo sighed.
"Dad…" he trailed off yet again. Of course, he couldn't own up to his mistake.
"Raphael?" Yoshi asked gently, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Can you tell me what is wrong?"
"No," Raph mumbled, eyes still closed. "Leo can." no one spoke, and Raph imagined that Yoshi was looking at his son expectantly. Then Leo sighed.
"I said some things I shouldn't have." he said softly, "things that aren't true."
"I see," Yoshi said softly. "Raphael, you know you are safe, don't you?"
"Yes."
"Leonardo can sometimes be slow to think and quick to speak," Yoshi said, Raph could hear he was smiling. "He did not mean anything by what he said."
"Yes," Raph said firmly. "He did." everyone fell silent and Raph tensed in fear for a moment, wondering if they were mad at him.
"And what did he say?" Yoshi finally asked. Raph opened his eyes, looking up at the man.
"He said that I'm just like before. And he said I'm always gonna be like this. That I'll always be so afraid of Father that I won't let people help me!" he spat, glaring murder at Leo, who was staring at the floor. Raph closed his eyes again and lay back down, shoulders quivering.
"Leonardo?"
"I…" Leo swallowed. "I didn't mean it Raph."
"But you said it," Raph grumbled. "Doesn't matter if you meant it cuz you said it anyway."
"Leonardo would you please step out with your mother and brother for a moment," Yoshi said, Raph opened his eyes and watched Leo leave, then looked at Yoshi with hostile eyes. "Raphael…" he paused. "May I ask how that conversation came to be?"
"I don't want help," he grumbled. "I don't want you to deal with me just cuz you think you owe me. I don't need anyone."
"I see," Yoshi said, getting up. "Raphael, I must say that part of the reason I am taking care of you is that you saved me and my family." Raph looked away. "But Shen has cared for you like a son since she first met you before any of that happened. Michelangelo speaks of you as a brother, and Donatello and Leonardo are close to realizing that you do belong in our family. Why do you think otherwise?"
"Because I don't," Raph said, shrugging. "I'm not your son, or hers, and I'm not their brother. You hardly know me, Mr. Hamato. I don't want you to have to deal with me."
"I think you misunderstand," Yoshi said softly. "I do not plan on simply 'dealing' with you. I wish to adopt you and take care of you like a son. Do you not want to be loved?" Raph shrugged, glaring at the floor.
"I dunno."
"Raphael-"
"Can't everyone just leave me alone?" Raph asked angrily, suddenly feeling furious. Yoshi looked hurt but nodded.
"Very well then, I need to speak to Leonardo anyway," he said, walking out. "Please rest, Raphael." Raph watched him go, frowning. He wasn't going to be mad at Leo, was he? The green-eyed boy slid out of the bed and crept to the door, peeking out. Leo was standing in front of Yoshi, head down. "I am disappointed in you Leonardo."
"I'm sorry," Leo said, looking away. "I didn't think of what I was saying, I didn't mean it, Dad."
"Yet you said it, and you have damaged Raphael's self-esteem further," Yoshi said sternly, Raph winced. "I am not happy about this."
"Neither am I…" Leo mumbled, rubbing his arm, Yoshi reached toward him and Raph flinched violently, stepping back. But Yoshi wrapped his son in a hug, gently rubbing Leo's back. Raph frowned in curiosity, stepping back to his place at the door where no one was able to see him. Yoshi was mad, wasn't he? Raph sighed softly. This just proved that they had different lives. Some people got good parents and some didn't, Raphael had just happened to draw the wrong lot and end up with a hecking crappy dad. Leo hadn't. Raph turned and walked back to the bed, sitting on the edge. Raph frowned, tracing a tile with his toe. He hated Father, he really did. But now he had a chance, a chance he'd never even imagined, to get a new one. One who had never and would never hurt him. So why wasn't he taking it? Raph knew why; he was scared. It was pathetic to be scared of this, but he was. Raph had never had a life other than the one he knew, and he was scared of what might happen. Yoshi walked back in, Leo followed.
"I really am sorry, Raphael," he said softly, Raph looked over at him and shrugged.
"You didn't mean it," he mumbled, picking at the blanket.
"Raphael," Yoshi said, voice gentle. "You should be resting." Raph nodded, pulling his legs onto the bed and the blanket over himself, covering everything but his head.
"Kay…" he said softly, still thinking. Yoshi smiled and turned to leave, probably to go back with Shen. just before he left Raphael spoke again. "Thanks." Yoshi paused, glancing back at him, smiling slightly. Raphael sighed, closing his eyes as he shoved his head under the pillows on his bed.
They were coming for him. Raphael sprinted through the darkness, eyes wide in terror. They were going to get him back, he didn't want them to get him back! Hands grabbed at his clothes as he ran past but Raphael yanked away heart thumping. He had to get out of here, he had to get away!
"Raphael." Raph flinched, running faster. It was him, they were coming!
"No no no no!" Raph gasped as he ran into an invisible wall. No! He had to get away he had to get away from them!
"Raphael." they were getting closer, Raph spun around, eyes wide in terror as the shadows melted off of Father's figure. He whimpered now, sliding down the wall to sit. He couldn't get away. He was trapped, he was trapped all over again.
"Raphael!" Raph's eyes snapped open and he stared at Leo for a moment. Wait, Leo? Why was Leo here? He blinked and looked around the dark hospital room. If he was here… that must have been a dream… Raph let out a shaky breath, burying his face in the pillows. "Raph are you okay?"
"'M fine," Raph mumbled. "Just a dream, it was just a dream."
"Oh." Leo seemed to relax for a moment. "Do you wanna talk about it?" Raphael didn't reply. He didn't want to talk about it, his heart was still thumping wildly and he was embarrassed, but he did anyway.
"Th-they were gonna get me again…." he murmured, turning so one eye could see Leo above the pillow. "I don't want them to…" Leo smiled sadly.
"They won't, Raph. We won't let them," he promised gently. Raph nodded against the pillows, pulling the blanket up around his ears.
"Kay…" he mumbled, man was he tired. But Raph forced his eyes to stay open, he didn't want to have another nightmare. Instead, he just watched as Leo sat back down in the chair he'd been in and pick up a book, Raphael squinted at the cover, trying to see what it said. The second word was too hard and he sighed softly. Leo glanced up.
"What's wrong?" he asked worriedly, "you should be sleeping."
"What book are you reading?" Raph asked, ignoring the other boys' statement. He propped himself up on his elbows, and Leo glanced at the book.
"This is The Lord Of The Rings," he said. Raph scowled.
"That's not what the cover says, I can read 'lord'." Leo blinked for a moment, then looked at the cover.
"Oh, this is just the first book, which is The Fellowship of the Ring." he clarified, then looked back at Raph. "and you need to rest, Raphael."
"Nah." Raph sat up, pulling his legs underneath him and sitting on them. "Not tired." that was a lie. He was exhausted. But he didn't want to see Father anywhere, nightmares included. Leo looked skeptical, but set his book aside and looked at the clock.
"It's one in the morning." he pointed out.
"You're awake." Raph retorted. Leo smiled.
"Okay, you got me," he said, raising his hands. "Insomniac at your service." Raph nodded, then brushed hair out of his face.
"You know when we're getting outta this place yet?" he grumbled, "it's boring. And I wanna go outside." Leo frowned.
"I don't know when Raphael," he said. "Soon, though." Raph nodded, glancing at Leo and then away from him. Leo knew what happened, he had to know. Raph could just tell from the way Leo looked at him. "But as soon as you can, we'll go outside." Raph smiled.
"You promise?"
"Promise," Leo said with a grin. "Now go to sleep. I'll wake you up if you start having another nightmare." Raph frowned, then sighed and lay back down on his side, legs pulled up to his chest. He yanked the blanket up to his jaw again but didn't close his eyes. Leo smirked. "Sleeping usually requires closed eyes." he pointed out. Raph made a face at him, but closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths. Just before he drifted off, Raph wondered how on earth Leo had talked him into sleeping right after that nightmare. Maybe he trusted Leo more than he wanted to.
Oof, I hope I'm writing PTSD correctly. *crosses fingers* let me know on anything I can do better? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this and I'll probably be back on Tuesday (unless I die from this illness my brother gave me) and thank you for reading and please review!
Until Tuesday,
-Jelly
