CHAPTER twelve
Lydia Martin


I just couldn't believe it. He was back. I'd never expected to see Jackson again. Ever. And now there he was, standing right before me, smiling slightly. What the hell?

He'd just left me and now he was back, without a warning. I'd spend the day with someone else and now my ex-boyfriend was back.

Well, one could imagine how freaking confusing this was.

"Jackson? What...? How?"

I couldn't even form a proper sentence. I was just too stunned and stood there frozen. I'd read Jackson's letter over and over again. What he'd written had sounded like he didn't plan to come ever back to Beacon Hills. He'd written that I would hate him for sure after what he'd done to me.

And I had hated him. But I'd also still loved him. And I wasn't sure what I was feeling now.

Jackson had broken my heart into thousands of pieces. And somehow Peter had been able to pick up the pieces. He'd been the one to catch me when I was about to fall into darkness. I still didn't know why Peter of all people. But he'd been there for me. He'd made me feel better these last few days than I'd felt in weeks.

And now Jackson was back and I felt the pain, the heartbreak rushing through me again.

What was the meaning of all this? Why was he back when he'd supposedly hadn't plan on coming back at all?

"Lydia... I know this must be pretty confusing for you."

"To say the least, it is. I just don't understand. Why are you back? Why have you even left in the first place? You... Can you imagine what you've done to me?"

"Lydia, please. Can't we just go in and talk? There's so much I need to tell you."

"I'm not sure I even want to hear anything of what you have to say anymore, Jackson. You've dumped me. Just like you'd dumped me before. Why should I even be surprised? That seems to be what you always do, isn't it? First you dump me, than you come back to me, telling me you love me, just to leave me again."

"It's not like this, Lydia, I swear! Just let me explain..."

"I'm done, Jackson! I can't take any more of this. You seem to think that I'll always wait for you until you have found your sense of reason and come back to me. But I'm done waiting. I've stopped waiting. I don't want to hear what you have to say. I don't want you telling me lies."

"I won't tell you lies!"

I tried to walk to the door. I just wanted to go in. I didn't want to see Jackson. Suddenly I thought what this would have been like when I'd accepted Peter's offer to walk me home. Maybe Jackson would have went off more easily if Peter was with me.

"It was him! He forced me to go! It was Peter Hale!"

At that I stopped in my attempt to turn my key in the lock. I looked up at Jackson, stunned and surprised. Peter? Peter had forced him to leave me?

"What?"

I didn't know what to think anymore. I wouldn't have expected this. But why on earth should Peter do something like this? What would his advantage be in Jackson leaving me?

I was so confused. I needed time to think but after he bomb Jackson had dropped off, I also needed to know more about it.

I took a deep breath before trying to calm myself. "Okay, let's go in," I just said before opening the door. We climbed up the stairs to my room. I was shaking, though I tried to not let it show how messed up I was. I couldn't tell Jackson what had happened between Peter and me, could I?

No, I definitely couldn't do that. I wasn't even sure about my feelings for Peter. Or about my feelings for Jackson. My head – and my heart – was a freaking mess.

"So... tell me." I looked at Jackson, demanding. I moved a few steps away from him, didn't want him to be this close to me. He noticed it, of course, and I thought I saw a flash of pain cross his expressions. But it was gone as soon as it had appeared.

"Why would Peter Hale want you to be gone?"

"I am not sure why. But... he'd told me about the Alpha Pack. He'd told me that they had come for me."

"For you?" I was even more confused now. What the hell had happened?

"Yes. He'd said they'd come to finish me off. After everything that happened... After all the people I had killed, it was a miracle I hadn't exposed the existence of supernatural beings to the world. Peter had said that they would come for me, kill me because they might think I was a danger to all of them. He'd said that they could try to get to me through you. I was scared, Lydia. I didn't think straight. I was still unsure about us. I had done so much wrong these past few months and I'd hurt you so much. Even though I wasn't a Kanima anymore, I could have easily lost control while being a werewolf. He told me about that, too. I was scared that I could hurt you. I was scared of that all the time when we'd been together. I... Well..."

I knew how hard it was for Jackson to talk about his feelings. I remembered how insecure he'd been before asking me if I still loved him after I'd given him the key so many weeks ago. How unsure he'd been of my love for him after everything I had witnessed him doing. After I'd seen him being a monster.

And I knew that the only reason why he was able to tell me all this now was that it must be the truth. He'd really been scared that I could get hurt because of him. And Peter had used his fear of hurting me to get him to leave Beacon Hills. And me.

"I thought that I didn't deserve you anyway."

Jackson's words were barely a whisper. And even though it broke my heart seeing him like this, so crashed and guilty, I couldn't help but think of what Peter had told me in almost every dream he'd visited me after Jackson had left.

He had told me that Jackson didn't deserve me.

I felt like I was about to collapse. I just couldn't process it. Why would Peter do this to me? Why would he make the only person I loved leave me?

And now I felt something for Peter, too. I was angry and I was confused. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted nothing more now than to ask him why he'd done this. And I wanted to hear the truth. But still... I couldn't hate him even now after I've heard the truth. It was disturbing. I had no idea what to do now. I couldn't tell Jackson, I knew that. But could I just forget what had happened between Peter and me and start fresh with Jackson? Pretend like these last few weeks never happened and start off where we'd left things?

No. I knew that this wasn't possible. I couldn't pretend like these past few weeks never happened and I knew that Jackson wouldn't be able to as well. And I couldn't shake off my feelings for Peter, no matter how hard I tried. I'd tried already, hadn't I? And I'd known from the start that Peter wasn't good. I knew that he did things that were not right, even though he thought they were. I just needed to understand why he'd done it.

"It would be better for you to leave now, Jackson."

"Lydia... Have you even listened to me?"

"Yes, Jackson. I have. I've heard everything you'd said and even though I understand why you thought it would be best to leave me, it still doesn't make it right. You should have told me what was going on. You should have told me about your insecurities. We could have everything figured out together! Isn't that what we'd wanted to do after we got back together? Facing all the obstacles that might come in our way together from now on?

But you didn't, Jackson! You just left me. You've left this stupid letter behind, thinking it would make things understand. Thinking it would make me understand. But it didn't! You promised you'd be honest with me. And after everything we've been through together, I would have expected you to tell me what's going on! No matter how scared you might be of me getting hurt. Nothing hurt me as much as you dumping me again! Everyone had let me in the dark these past few months. I knew nothing! And now you expect me to understand that this is what you did exactly? Telling me nothing – again!"

Jackson stood there for a long moment in silence. I could see the hurt on his face. I almost regretted what I'd just said to him. I didn't want Jackson to hurt. I knew that he'd just done all of this to protect me. But to be honest? I was done with people trying to protect me. They'd all just hurt me in the end because they treated me like I was too delicate to be told the truth.

"I know that what I did was wrong. And I don't expect you to do anything. I mean... I didn't come back in the illusion that everything would be like it was before I'd gone."

And he was right about that. Nothing could ever be like it was before. We couldn't just go back to how it was before.

But that wasn't just because of what he'd done. It was because I had kissed another man while Jackson had been away.

It was because I'd developed feelings for someone I shouldn't even have any feelings for.

"You're right about that. Things can't be the way they were before. And... even if they could... I don't want them to."

Jackson swallowed hard, just nodding. "I understand why you're mad at me. I really do, Lydia. But please try to understand that I just didn't want you to get hurt because of me."

"But I did get hurt," I said sadly. "Not just on the outside like you feared."

We looked at each other for a moment until Jackson turned to leave. I sighed in relief after he'd left my room, collapsing on my bed. I just couldn't believe what had happened. The events of the past few days felt like they were crushing onto me. So much had happened and my feelings were a pure chaos. What was I supposed to do now? How was I supposed to figure this mess out?

I knew what I would have to do soon, though. I needed to talk to Peter.

I needed to see him and I needed to know why he'd done this.

But there was one thing I still wasn't sure about. Whatever his intentions and purposes might have been – would I be able to get him out of my head? Would I be able to hate him? Would I be able to ignore him and move on with my life like nothing had happened between us? Get back together with Jackson eventually even?

There was some small voice in my head telling me that it was impossible. Like I'd noticed before, I was already in too deep. I couldn't let go of Peter now. There was something connecting us to each other and it was much more than just my immunity, I could just feel it. Because even though I knew he was the reason for me suffering these past few weeks, like he'd been the reason for the hell I've went through before, I just couldn't shake off the feeling of his lips on mine. I couldn't shake off the feeling of him holding me. And I knew that this was very, very wrong. I was beginning to lose myself in him and I knew that this shouldn't happen. But it seemed like I had no choice at all. There was something between us and I just needed to explore these feelings I had for him. I didn't want to lose them now.