Eternal Sunshine
Chapter 12: Compounded Mistakes
It didn't take very long for the news to spread that Samara was "having Eric's child". Before long the news had spread throughout the Auror office and soon she was getting congratulations at St. Mungo's. Samara supposed that at least this way she was free of the suspicious of contemptuous and judgmental looks of having a bastard child. However, she knew the child was really Severus'. And everyone was now asking questions about her relationship with Eric that she didn't know the answer to herself.
Where did this put her now? What did this mean for them? She didn't want to use him. She hadn't really wanted him to do this for her. However, he had done it impulsively and she didn't know what she was supposed to do now. She owed him so much, but she still felt that he could do so much better than her. He deserved better.
"I don't understand Samara. I thought that you were no longer together. Now you are having a child together? Are you back together and getting married then? Did you leave him because you were pregnant, because that just doesn't make any sense," Marilyn said as she stared at her daughter who as leaning against the counter with her arms crossed over her lime-green robes.
Samara ran her hands through her hair. She hadn't yet figured out how to answer any of those questions. For the most part she was able to avoid giving answers at work, however, this was her mother. However, she had never spoken freely to her mother about anything going on in her personal life and now it wasn't any easier. It wasn't that she kept things from her mother, but her mother had never really asked many questions. It was like when she was in love with her father, he ruled her whole world that she couldn't even fathom the worlds of anyone else. Samara sometimes wondered if her mother cared a little more about her when she was growing up if she would have carried on a relationship with Xavier.
"We weren't together, but that was before we knew I was pregnant," Samara said, trying to be as vague as possible. She didn't think that she could tell her mother about her infidelity with Severus or the fact that she was, for whatever reason, in love with him. That was far too private and she didn't think that it was a good idea to tell anyone about it.
"So are you together now simply because of the child?" Marilyn asked as she looked over at her daughter. Samara shrugged.
"I don't know what's happening. We've been seeing each other and talking about what we should do," Samara said with a shrug, which for the most past was true. Over the past two weeks they had seen each other on several occasions, often meeting for lunch or dinner and always in a somewhat public place. Thus far it had become evident to Samara that Eric still wanted to be with her and seemed to have forgotten all about her infidelity. However, Samara kept refusing his entreaties.
The fact was that she knew she loved Severus more than she would ever love Eric and she didn't think that it was fair to Eric to be with him. She didn't even think that it was fair of her to ask for his friendship as that would make it hard for him to move on. However, she also had her doubts about him. The idea of simply marrying him and getting it all over with was appealing to her. But she had a feeling that somewhere down the line, Eric's anger about her infidelity would resurface and have dire consequences. She also worried how Eric would treat a child, that was not his.
"Well Samara, I have to say that I am rather surprised that you haven't simply just jumped back into that relationship. You were always so impulsive as a child," Marilyn said as she turned away from her daughter and proceeded to clean. Samara merely nodded in response, knowing this to be true. However, as this decision did not simply concern her but the child growing in her womb, she wanted to think everything through very carefully.
"I know," Samara said with a nod as she turned away. "Well I should be going..."
"Aren't you going to wait for the twins to get home from school?" Marilyn asked as her daughter started to put on her cloak, scarf and gloves. Samara merely shook her head as she started to pull out her wand.
"I can't... I have to go back to work," Samara said.
"Samara, should you really be overworking yourself? I mean... you're pregnant," Marilyn said as she stared at her. Samara looked down at her belly, and places her hands over it. There was still no sign that she was pregnant, other than the morning sickness. However, she was soon going to be moving into her second trimester.
"It's fine mother," Samara said a little impatiently. She didn't very appreciate being told what was or was not healthy for her child considering she was the Healer. "I will come by again soon," Samara said as she apparated away. However, she didn't start work for another hour. She supposed that she could have simply told her mother that she had to meet with Eric in the Leaky Cauldron, but the fact was that she really didn't want to answer any more questions about it.
Sighing as she made her way through the Leaky Cauldron, she stopped when she heard someone call out her name and walked over to the table. "How are you?" Looking over at Eric as she sat down she merely smiled and nodded that she was fine. "Samara, I've been thinking and ... I still want us to get married. I want us to be a proper family. I want her to be raised by the both of us and I want her to feel like we are a normal couple," Eric said as he stared at her. Samara bit on her lip as she stared at him.
"Eric, I can't-"
"Samara, I will do anything. I will even let you have your small wedding. Whatever you want. We could just go to the ministry and have to witnesses if you want, I just want to do this right for you," Eric said as he stared earnestly into her eyes. His warm chocolate eyes melted her spirit and she found that she was speechless as his generosity. She wasn't sure how she could fathom that Eric would ever neglect a child because it wasn't his when he had only ever shown her what a good man he was. Despite his horrible sisters, Eric was raised to be a fine young man.
"But Eric, you deserve so much better then me," Samara said as she looked away, her eyes building with tears at how sweet he was. She really hated being pregnant. It made her emotional. The fact that everything made her come to the brink of tears made her feel so angry. However, February would soon begin, bringing with it her second trimester and she could begin to feel the bump forming.
"Samara, you made mistakes. That only makes you human. It's not your fault that you can't help who you love," Eric said. Samara looked up and could see the mild sadness in his eyes as he looked down. Biting her lip, she reached over and tucked his hair behind his ears. For once, he hadn't bothered with putting it up in his usual ponytail and she could see the soft, straight strands of chocolate that fell down to nearly his waist.
"I love you Eric, but it would be selfish of me to marry you and take away your chances of ever being loved completely and fully as you deserve," Samara said as she stared at him.
"Samara you love me, that is enough for me," Eric said as he stared at her. "For as long as I can remember, you are all that I ever wanted."
Samara looked away and felt sadder at this. She remembered Eric from when they were in school and while she had always known that he had a crush on her, she always imagined that it would go away. "Eric..."
"Please Samara," Samara looked up and stared into his pleading eyes and could see the heartbreak in them. Closing her eyes, a tear finally coming lose she found her resolve crumble as she merely nodded in response and whispered an okay. "I will make you very happy, I promise," Eric said excitedly as he got up and stood before her, getting her to her feet before engulfing her in a hug. Samara sighed as she hugged him back and felt his warmth washing over her, that familiar comfort she had known for years and for a moment, it almost felt like the right decision. But it had been a long, cold, lonely winter so far.
XX
Severus sighed unhappily as he sat back and rubbed his temples. It was impossible to concentrate on anything lately. It felt terribly like his world was crumbling and falling to pieces around him. The fact that Valentines Day was coon coming around made things worse. However, he was more disturbed by the fact that he was disappointed, rather than relieved, that Samara's child was Eric's as well.
Running his hands over his face and then through his hair, he felt like he wanted to pull it out. He wondered if the mistake he made in becoming a Death Eater was really enough of a reason to why he never deserved to be happy. He was making an amends for it and he knew that ultimately it would have to cause his life. While once that had been a comforting thought, now it seemed like a damnation. He couldn't stop dreaming lately of Samara and the black-haired children that were theirs. It was torture that he couldn't bare. Wasn't it bad enough that he had to give Potter Occlumency lessons?
But, Severus knew that wasn't the worst of it. The fact that Tonks had recently told Remus, while he was standing behind them and exiting Grimmauld, that Samara was getting married to Eric at the beginning of August (because she apparently wanted to get married after giving birth) and Eric had asked her to be a witness, made him feel as though someone was stabbing him in the heart with a jagged piece of ice in the heart and twisting it around.
Severus couldn't comprehend Samara. He thought that she was so sure that she was in love with Severus and yet she was getting married to Williamson? He didn't understand how she could marry someone that she claimed she wasn't in love with. That she didn't feel right with. However, he supposed that this was simply his despair of feeling how alone he was really meant to be. Because he only wanted her to be happy and he knew that being with her was simply not an option. He had a mission in life.
Hearing a knock on the door of his office, Severus gritted his teeth as he composed himself, pushing aside all thoughts of his miserable personal life. He had almost forgotten that he had a lesson with Potter. Standing up and turning to the pensieve once more, he called for Potter to come in as he stored away all his memories of Samara and Lily into the pensieve.
TBC...
A/N: So I am getting more ideas for Eternal Sunshine, which makes me happy as my brain felt like it was going on strike or something. So I hope that writing will become easier. So you all know what to do. Please Review!
