I am not afraid to love you

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There they were, under a tree on McKinley school grounds.

They had tried to find a private spot to, well you know what for.

They were unsuccesful though. Very unsuccesful. They were supposed to be hiding out at Blaine's all weekend (though Kurt never knew how Carole had convinced Burt it was okay), but as soon as Kurt turned around the corner Blaine came running towards him.

His parents were home early. No, they would not allow Kurt in the house and yes, they would have to find somewhere else.

So to Kurt's it was.

Oh, right, it was Carole's weekend off and that was why they were planning on spending it at Blaine's in the first place. Weekends were always spent at Kurt's, with the lack of parent's and the presence of acceptance amongst said lacking parents.

But no, even if Carole was accepting and loving and maybe even a bit too enthousiastic ("Ahhw, look Burt, they're making out on the couch, isn't it cute?"), they much rather had her not walking in on any more than making out.

And yes, there would be more going on than just making out if they went up to Kurt's room now.

So, maybe Kurt could give Blaine a tour of McKinley, since he was transferring and all, and maybe, just maybe, they could get into the locker rooms and just take a secret shower together.

Yup, not going to work, coach Beiste was a bit more trustworthy than coach Tenaka and she had actually locked up for the summer.

Thus the ending up under a tree on McKinley schoolground, Blaine's back against said tree and Kurt's head in Blaine's lap.

Blaine was secretely relishing the thought that he, and only he, was granted the privilege to touch Kurt's hair without being seriously harmed.

Blaine, unable to stand silence, only stopped humming when Kurt was looking at him with those eyes.

Those eyes that say 'I'm about to do something radical'.

Like when he puts on Blaine's clothes, while Blaine has no fashion sense at all. Or when he is about to take a bite of pizza ordered by Blaine. Or when he is in a hurry to get them to a bed and breaks speed limit.

But not like this, Blaine had never seen this look in Kurt's eyes out in public and so he was in for a surprise when Kurt rolled over on his side and unbuttonned his pants and unzipped it.

Even more so when he started softly stroking his cheek over the bulge now obvious in his boxer briefs and all he could to when Kurt took those off his cock with his teeth, was something between a gasp and a moan.

Only imagine how much he had to hold back when Kurt actually took his entire length in his mouth as if he was born to suck Blaine's cock. Maybe he was, the way he sucked and put the right amount of pressure on it with his tongue and... oh... god...

Ohh... Goddd... Fuck... Kurt had started bobbing his head up and down, practically fucking Blaine's dick with his mouth and Blaine threw his head back and bit his lip as to hold back moans and gasps and screams and cries because, well, they were on school grounds.

It was holiday, yes, a hot summers day, but there still might be people there and... oo... never mind.

Kurt had just managed to stick his tongue out enough to lick his balls, while still having Blaine's entire length in his mouth and sucking it, so Blaine's hands flew to Kurt's hair and started to become unhinged really, really fast and...

"Kurt.. I'm.. ohhh, almost, Kurt.."

"SNAP".

And Blaine's jaw was almost severely injured as Kurt flew up and started chasing Santana, jumped on her and wrestled her to the ground.

"YOU GIVE THAT POLAROID PHOTO TO ME RIGHT NOW OR I'LL OUT YOU TO THE ENTIRE SCHOOL, LOPEZ."

Kurt got the photo from her, but Santana Lopez was outed anyway. She borrowed the camera from Jacob, you see, and he was sitting right there.

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"Poor Santana."

Blaine laughed and agreed.

"Poor Santana. I wonder how she is."

"Me too."

Kurt sighed, his head in Blaine's lap and Blaine, who sat with his back against the headboard of bed, was stroking Kurt's hair. A privilege he still secretly cherised.

But, that was not the only thing going on in Blaine's head, the cherising of stroking Kurt's hair.

If only, if only, if only.

I need you, I need you, I need you.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Thrice, once for every time he should've said it.

Once, for when he broke up with Kurt and shouldn't have. Once for before Kurt left to Amsterdam. Once, for when Kurt asked for an explanation.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

But there was something else, or rater someone else, that kept repeating in Blaine's mind.

Jim. Jim. Jim

Jim. Jim. Jim.

"Back then we were so desperate for privacy I ended up sucking you under a tree. Now we're in a bed, private as can get, and we're not doing anything."

Blaine didn't answer. He didn't know how to answer. He knew why nothing was happening, he knew, but he also knew Kurt would not accept it as a reason. Kurt had made up his mind, and Kurt was stubborn. But so was Blain.

Jim. Jim. Jim.

Jim. Jim. Jim.

"I thought you said you loved me."

"I didn't. I said I need you."

"You said you still loved me back then. You said it, Blaine, you said it."

"I said I loved you back then, I never said I love you now."

"So you don't?"

"I do. I love you. But I need you more than I love you."

Blaine was so frustrating at times, Kurt decided, he loved Kurt, so why be difficult?

"You're making no sense."

"I'm making perfect sense. I love you, but I also need you. I need you to take care of me, I need your house to live in, I need your spare room to sleep in. If we're going to be together now and Jim throws us out, you'll never forgive and I'll die miserable and alone. I'd rather die your best friend than your ex-lover."

"Never."

"Kurt, please."

"Never, you're never my ex-lover. You've always been it, Blaine. Yes I love Jim, I love him senseless, but he's never been you. He doesn't have to find out. I promise, he doesn't have to."

"Kuuuurrt..."

Blaine was positively whining now and it drove Kurt crazy. If only things had been different back then, if only he had never met Jim, than none of this would have been so difficult.

If only he'd never met Jim.

If only, if only, if only.

I need you, I need you, I need you.

"I love you, I love you, I love you."

But Kurt hadn't expected Blaine to pull him up and closer than physically possible at that. He hadn't expected Blaine to start sobbing uncontrolably in his hair and he had most certainly not expected him to whisper those words.

"If only, if only, if only. I need you, I need you, I need you."

"Thrice, for every time we should've said it," Kurt offered before he felt his own tears fall on Blaine's bare shoulder.

Thrice, thrice, thrice.

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When Kurt woke up later that day, sore all over his body. It had felt so good when they held each other close and cried themselves to sleep, but sleeping in that particular position for a good three hours didn't do the body good.

Especially after having spent a few hours in a closet the day before, and climbing out of a first store window following up on sitting in said closet.

So he tried to stretched, but found himself held tightly by the strong arms that most defenitely belonged to Blaine, who was still fast asleep and Kurt thought it a good idea to let him sleep for a while.

So he reached around his back, took Blaine's arm with his hand and softly pried it off him. Starting to cook dinner would be a good idea.

Or not, Blaine stirred, and pulled him close again with the arm that was still around Kurt's waist.

"Don't ever leave again."

"I was just going to cook dinner, babe, I'll be back. You'll get to eat it in bed, even."

"Nope, don't leave. Ever."

And it was hard to deny Blaine things, especially when he still was half sleep-hazed and holding his waist like that.

So Kurt complied, and sat himself next to Blaine again.

Blaine opened his eyes softly and knew this was the time to talk about it, in all the honesty and earnest they'd gone through earlier, and now both of them had rested a bit. This was the time to start about it.

"I'm scared, Kurt."

"I know."

"I don't think you do. I'm really scared."

"Talk to me, Blaine, tell me what you're scared of."

"That it will hurt."

"We can take care of that."

"And that I can't do it anymore."

"Can't do what? You know I'll take care of you."

"I know, but it's been a long time."

Kurt looked confused. Utterly, absolutely, completely confused.

"A long time? What are you talking about?"

"Sex. What are you talking about?"

"Dying. I thought you were going to ask me if I believed in heaven."

"Do you?"

"I do. I have to. I think my mom is there and I think she'll guide you once you're there. I think she'll be your guardian angel."

Blaine smiled.

"I think so too. I think I will meet your mom and she'll yell at me for hurting you, but then take me under her wing and treat me as her son. I think she'll be a better mom than my own mom was."

"I have the best mom in the world. She'll yell at you."

"Will she yell at me for having sex with you while you're with Jim?"

"Nope. She won't, because it's completely consensual and it's making love. Not sex. Why are you scared, anyway?"

And Blaine had to phrase this right, because he was scared of several things and he needed Kurt to pick up the right things once he said this.

"I'mscaredbecauseI'millandbecauseit'sbeensevenyears."

"What?"

"I'm scared because I'm ill. I couldn't even jump on a fucking bed for five minutes, let alone fuck you. It asks so much of the body, so much and I don't know if my body is still up for that."

Blaine wanted to hide, he wanted to run and never show his face again, but he couldn't, because Kurt's thumb was on his chin and made him look him straight in the eye.

"We'll see how far you get. I could start with just my mouth on you. We'll see how far you get. As for the second part. It's been seven years?"

""Seven years," Blaine confirmed.

"Does that mean you had sex with someone right after we broke up?"

"No. It means you're my first and only. I got scared when you brought up condoms yesterday. We never needed condoms. I never thought of them, because, well, you're the only one, Kurt. The only one and you're so much more experienced now and what if I'm horrible? I'm clueless. I feel like a virgin all over again, with you way more experienced and I'm so freaking scared I'll make a fool of myself."

He would continue, but Kurt's lips were on his. Not passionate, not eager, not heated, but soft and gentle and loving.

"I'm not that much more experienced. Jim is the first guy I've been with more than once."

Blaine gave him a look.

"Okay, that sounded as if I've been a whore and had a thousand one night stands. I haven't. Jim is the fourth guy I've ever been with and the first guy I've been with more than once since you.
Besides, we were fine before. I think we had a pretty miraculous sex life and I think it's like cycling. Once you get the hang of it, you'll always be able to do it. It might be a bit awkward at first, but we'll get through it. Don't we always?"

Blaine nodded.

"We always."

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They didn't have sex then, it would've been too awkward, not sponteanous and just a follow up of that conversation.

They ate dinner quietly, just eyeing each other and wondering if they'd really just agreed they'd cheat on Jim.

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They had really agreed they'd cheat on Jim.

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It was cold in Blaine's bed, he was shivering and waiting for Kurt to join him. It was a good night for Kurt to join him, he'd never been cold in this bed before.

Kurt had taken a shower and walked in Blaine's room with just a towel around his waist, water dripping off his body and his hair still wet.

Suddenly, Blaine wasn't so cold anymore, and as far as his dick was concerned the cancer did not get in the way of getting off tonight.

It was rock hard in an instant, as if he was seventeen again.

"Kurt. Could you... I... Maybe.. If you want..."

Oh great, so a wet Kurt would get him not only rock hard as if he was seventeen, but also stuttering as if he was seventeen again.

"I want," was all Kurt replied before taking off the towel and getting in bed fully naked.

So now a naked Kurt was lying next to a Blaine who was still in boxer briefs.

Not anymore, Kurt pried them off with a skill Blaine sadly noted must have been practised a lot over the past few years. But soon that sad note was forgotten, because Kurt's lips were on his and Kurt's tongue was trailing his lips and asking for entrance and who would he be to not grant entrance?

And there tongues were dancing a sweet, serene battle. Kurt's hands found Blaine's mop of unruly curls and Blaine sighed happily that he didn't get to go to a hairdresser, because he kind of really liked Kurt's hands in his hair like this.

And he really liked Kurt's mouth on his so he whined a little as they lost contact, but soon moaned when he found out Kurt's lips left his to let his tongue lick a wet trail to his ear and started nibbling on it sofly. And if Blaine's cock hadn't been rock hard before, it certainly was now.

As was Kurt's, and Blaine could feel it, because Kurt was on top of him and there erections quite literally pressed together. It felt really good, like, really really good and Blaine couldn't help but thrust upwards and ohh... that felt even better.

Except for Kurt, losing contact with his ear, though, but it must've been good for Kurt too. He only let go of Blaine's ear for mere seconds to gasp very, very loudly, before thrusting back down.

And Blaine thrust upwards again. And Kurt back down. Upwards. Back down. Upwards. Back down.

Finally they found a pace they could both go on for a while and their mouths found each other again, Kurt's hands still tangled in Blaine's hair, Blaine's hands firmly squeezing Kurt's ass.

They kept the pace for quite a while, before Blaine's breahing became heavier and Kurt broke their mouths apart to grant him some air, but Blaine shook his head.

"Just.. getting there. Don't worry."

Oh, that was kind of hot, Kurt decided, and so he upped his pace, thrust once, twice, thrice.

He came hard, as did Blaine. Neither boys even had strenght to really thrust anymore and just let the heavy orgasms overwhelm them as they held on to each other tighter than ever before.

After Kurt had caught his breath he rolled over on his side and wanted to whipe off the cum of his stomach when he noticed it.

He had to not freak out Blaine, he had to, but he knew no matter how he approached this, it would, so he decided to just confront him.

"Blaine?" he whispered, barely audible.

"Hmmm?"

Blaine looked up at Kurt dreamily, before his eyes widened as he saw the thick pluck of dark curls that Kurt held in his hand. Way too thick to have been accidently pulled out from to much force.

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A/N: The song qoute at the top is 'Not Afraid', written by Michael Arden, performed by a bunch of people including Gavin Creel

Yay! I'm back. Took me a while though. First my car broke down in France and I had to find another way home. Then I got home, wrote this chapter and Microsoft Word died, so everything I wrote was lost.
I'm now writing this in the editing section for chapter eleven, I have no spelling/grammar checker so please point out anything you find!