Chapter twelve. Sorry this one's a little more rough then the others. Its kind of like a filler chapter because I con't want to skip this because its going to be important leading up to the battle against adam, so bare with me. I wanted to get a chapter up as soon as I could. Thank you for reading and reviewing I really appreciate it. And don't worry there will be more up soon and in much better condition then this chapter. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy or any of the characters. As much as I would like to have Angel or Spike all to myself they belong to Joss. This is just me playing around with his ideas.


Denial, Despair, and Desire

Chapter Twelve: Inside the Initiative

Buffy, Willow and Anya are all under the covers of Xander's bed watching cartoons, along with Spike at the foot of the bed with a pillow and a blanket.

"That would never happen." Buffy stated watching the cartoon.

"Well, no Buff, that's why they call them cartoons, not documentaries." Willow explained smiling.

"Must we have the noise? My head is splitting." Giles asked turning the TV off.

"Well, look who's cranky bear in the morning." Willow teased.

"Yes I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball." Giles said grumpily.

"Every time you moved it made squeaky noises. It was irritating." Anya complained.

"Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring." he countered with a glare.

Spike just laughed at their antics before Buffy sat up.

"Ok you guys, could we not please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parent's marriage."

They apologized before Giles moved the sheet from his path and walked back to his beach ball to sit.

"It'll be ok Buffy, Riley's just confused, that's all." Willow encouraged. She hated seeing her best friend so beat up and on edge.

"I don't know. It just seems like things could get heavier. His whole world's falling apart."

"And after everything you've been through with Angel. You really should get yourself a boring boyfriend. Like Xander. You can't have Xander!" Anya wrned.

Buffy heard Spike's low growl at the mention of angel and couldn't help but crack a smile. He was so sexy when he was jealous.

"I'll try and remember that. But that was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were going to do dumb things like hold hands through the daises going tra-la-la."

"Poor Buffy. Your life resists all things average." Willow said putting.

"So dump him. But you can't have Xander!" Anya told her. Xander is all mine.

"That actually sounds like a good idea." Spike agreed.

"Yeah…" Buffy trailed off thinking about it. Riley wasn't the guy she thought he was. She had wanted normal and he wasn't. But that wasn't even the issue. The issue was that she wanted Spike.

"Oh?" Willow asked surprised. "Thinking about dumping Riley? Really? Is it because of the initiative?"

"No it's just. I…I don't know. I just don't see myself... It's weird. I mean I like him just not as much as…" her eyes drifted to Spike, who's eyes almost popped out of his head when her gaze fell on him. She blushed before turning to Anya and Willow. "As you guys. You know. I'd pick you guys over him. Any day." she rambled.

They seemed to accept that and Buffy sighed in relief. But that relief didn't last for long. Xander hurried down the stairs into the basement, carrying a breakfast tray.

"Turn on the TV. Now!" he told them, setting the tray down and fixing his eyes on the tv.

Willow got up and switched the TV back on. Where there's a story on the news.

"Sunnydale is still reeling from news of the crime. A source in the coroner's office tells us that the boy was stabbed with what looks like some kind of large skewer. And his body was then mutilated. Police have not named a suspect and the killer is still at large." The newswoman told them from the TV.

Buffy listened to the woman and it dawned on her.

"The Polgara demon had a skewer in its arm. That's the one Maggie insisted we bring back alive."

"She must have sent it after you." Giles said to her, a mouth full of tooth paste.

"And it got distracted." she replied, looking away. "God." That boy died because of her. Spike stared at Buffy and noticed the guilt that spread across her features like wildfire. Why did she shoulder the blame for something that wasn't her fault? It must be a slayer thing. Blame yourself for the worlds problems. He wished he could lift that burden off her shoulders. Let her be free of the responsibility that being the slayer entailed. But he also knew that the slayer was part of who she was. Take that away and she wouldn't be Buffy.

"Buffy, it's not your fault. How could you know?" Willow asked her, almost reading her mind.

"She's right. You mustn't blame yourself." Giles agreed, still brushing his teeth.

"I'm not going to." Buffy said as she climbed out of bed. She faced them, determination evident on her features. "I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I am going to make him pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine."

As her friends stared at her she looked down at her self and shrugged.

"That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas."

Everyone got up and got ready as Buffy set out for the crime scene. She got there just when they were hauling the body away and she couldn't help the sadness that swelled over her. That little boy had dies because of Maggie and her. If Maggie hadn't sent that demon out after her it wouldn't have stumbled across that little boy in the first place. She just wouldn't stop would she.

"Buffy. Hey"

She turned around to find Riley all decked out in his camouflage outfit.

"Hey."

"Look I'm sorry about earlier. I know that came on pretty strong. And the Spike thing isn't as tweaked as it looks." That was a lie. "Ok maybe it is but there's an explanation that almost makes sense." Almost. Except for the fact that I want him. Maybe I should leave that part out. She looked at his face which was screwed up in anger. Yep, definitely leaving the whole hot for Spike thing out. "Hello. I'm apologizing here. And I-I think that's pretty big of me considering I'm the one who was almost made a demon sandwich. This is the part where you throw me a bone."

"Maggie's dead." Riley told her solemnly. "Happy now?"

"How can you ask me that? Of course I'm not happy. What happened?" she asked, maybe its connected to what she was hiding.

"That's classified." Riley said firmly. He wasn't telling her anything. Not when she was fraternizing with a vampire.

"Classified. The Polgara. It got her and escaped. Didn't it? I'm gonna find it. I'm gonna find it and destroy it. And then you can stop asking me how happy all this death makes me." she replied shaking her head and starting towards Willy's. She needed information, quick. And Willy was the one who could give it to her.

She got there and he didn't have much to say. Hadn't heard about the Polgara demon since it got captured and before she could even get a answer about inside of the initiative, Riley walked in.

He threatened an old woman and said Buffy was spewing lies. Which was completely untrue. Except the whole Spike thing. But hey a girl is entitled to a few secrets, right? He almost shot a human woman and Buffy could tell something was wrong with him. He set his gun down on the bar and asked Buffy for her help.

She took him back to Xander's and asked Will and Giles to keep an eye on him. She had a demon to chase after and she couldn't stick around to help him. So for now, they would have to be good enough.

"Buffy, I don't know what's happening." Riley stammered as he curled up on Xander's bed. "I don't know who the good guys are or the bad guys. Maybe I'm the bad guy?"

"No. You're not. It's going to be okay." she soothed him. She may be mad at him but whatever was happening to him, he didn't deserve it. She unwrapped the scarf from her hair and wrapped it around his hand before meeting Giles, Anya, Spike and Xander on the other side of the basement.

"Something is wrong with him. I don't think it's just grief that's doing this to him. Its something physical." Buffy said distracted.

"Good." Spike muttered under his breath. Buffy just rolled her eyes and bit her lip in concentration. What were they going to do about this?

"Do you think Maggie did something to him?" Anya asked peering behind the sheet separating Riley and them.

"I don't know but I'm going to find out." she replied. That's it she was done with whatever the initiative was pulling. She was going in to find out what was really going on.

"That's gonna be tough, what with Maggie's deadness and all." Xander replied.

"She must have kept records somewhere. About Riley, about 314, about all of it. And I'm sure she wasn't the only person that knew what she was up to." Buffy said nodding to herself. She was decided. They were going in.

"What's the plan?"

"Giles, Anya, keep researching. Xander, you and I are going undercover."

"Hey!" Anya said stepping closer to Xander and grabbing his arm. "Remember before? No Xander! Not in a "boyfriend" way or a "lead him to a certain death" way."

"He's the only one with military experience." Buffy tried to explain.

"It's not like he was in the 'Nam. He was GI Joe for one night. Plus Spike's been in the initiative before. He'll know where everything is. A lot more help then some one-night army knowledge." Anya rambled in concern.

"It's okay, Anya. I've backed up Buffy before."

"Plus it's day time." Spike added grudgingly. Or else he would have insisted on coming.

"Can't you do something else to help them? Like Xerox handouts or something?" she asked desperately.

"I'll be careful. Promise. Plus you got Dead boy Jr. over there for that." he said smiling. Buffy just rolled her eyes again before Xander began gathering up their disguises.

"It's a minor point but how do you plan to get in to the Initiative? I'm sure their security system's almost impenetrable." Giles asked concerned. That was a major fault in her plan.

"I have my clearance, possibly. I'm hoping she didn't have time to revoke it." Buffy replied hopeful.

"Okay. Well as for the whereabouts of this Polgara demon, I'm afraid we've...we've not turned up much. There've been no reports since its original capture."

"Then we'll just have to keep looking." she replied before grabbing her disguise and setting off to get ready.

Back in Tara's dorm Willow and Tara set up the spell to locate the polgara demon.

"So…the square is Sunnydale?" Tara asked curiously. She loved doing magic. Especially with Willow.

"Right. It's like a map. We both take different parts of the potion and when we do the incantation we both blow it onto the square at the exact same time." Willow explained as she set up their supplies.

"But how does it work?" Tara inquired.

"Well that's the cool part. When the potion mixes and Thespia's called it creates this mist over the parts where the demons are. I-It even makes different colors for different breeds."

"Wow."

"You ready?" Willow asked. Tara nodded and Willow poured some of the powdered contents of the bowl into Tara's palm, then poured some into her own hand from a second bowl. "Let's do it." She closed her eyes and Tara did the same as the words of the spell passed over their lips..

"Thespia, we walk in shadow. Walk in blindness. You are the protector of the night."

"Thespia, goddess, ruler of all darkness, we implore you . . . open a window to the world of the under being."

Willow blew the powder from her hand over the square. Tara blew over her hand, not disturbing her powder, and leans toward her bed to dump the potion underneath it. Willow still has her eyes closed and did not see this.

"With your knowledge may we go in safety. With your grace may we speak of your benevolence."

Willow opened her eyes and looked down at the square, where nothing was happening. She frowned.

"Or not." She looked at Tara in confusion. Why hadn't it worked? Tara just gave her a disappointed look before shrugging.

Across campus Buffy and Xander made their way into Riley's dorm room.

"Buff, maybe you should check the look later." Xander suggested as she stared into the mirror on Riley's closet door.

"Shh!" she told him pushing him away from her.

"Oww! What'd you do that for?" he asked surprised, and a little hurt.

"Sorry. I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan." she said shrugging.

"The re- eww! I don't wanna see that." Xander replied.

"Retinal scan, Xander. Well, we'll know in a few seconds if my clearance is still good."

An horizontal green light emitted from the mirror and slid down over her body.

"Or if we're about to die at the hands of fifty grief-filled military goons." he said nervously. He'd much rather it be the first one.

"Retinal scan recorded. Summers. Buffy." the female voice confirmed. The mirror slid to the side and Buffy stepped into the very white elevator beckoning Xander to follow her.

"Why am I not entirely comforted by the arrival of the man-sized microwave?"

The elevator door slid open and Buffy is now wearing the lab coat and she and Xander stepped out onto the catwalk overlooking the huge hangar of the Initiative complex. His eyes widened as he gaped.

"Holy moly!"

"I know." she replied quietly.

When they descend to the first landing they see a couple of commandos climbing the stairs towards them. Xander turns to Buffy and pulls her close to him.

"Quick pretend to make out with me!"

"What! What are you talking about?"

"Well, I, uh, you know, in the movies, the guy and the girl have to hide."

They pretend to be looking at her clipboard as the commandos pass them and continue up the stairs.

"Please! Could you possibly draw more attention to us?" When the commandos are gone, they continue down to stairs. "This is the Initiative, Xander. Military guys and scientists do not make out with each other."

"Well maybe that's what's wrong with the world. Ever think about that?" he asked as they continued towards 314.

Back in Xander's basement, Willow just got back from Tara's place and discovered what everyone was up to.

"So how did the spell go? Did you locate the polgara demon?" Spike asked he looked up from one of the books Giles gave him to research.

"It totally failed. It wasn't even like the spell went wrong. It just…wouldn't." Willow told them sadly. She was wallowing in her utter failure.

"If it's any consolation, we haven't fared much better here." Giles offered her. She knew she must feel bad.

"Really. Is Riley okay?"

"Well, h-he's asleep. Finally. But he doesn't look good. And the, uh, research is troubling as well. I mean, this-this demon we're after seems highly atypical for a Polgara. This child that it killed . . was mutilated. There's no recorded cases of a Polgara ever having done such a thing." Giles said disturbed.

"Also the Polgara have to eat every two hours. Factor in the low IQ and you have a demon who's not exactly low profile." Anya shared with them.

"So how has he been hiding out in Sunnydale for the last two days without anyone seeing him?"

"Exactly."

Willow pushed aside the sheet between the other side of the basement to check on Riley. But when she moved the sheet he wasn't even a foot away from her.

"Riley." she said surprised,

"Where's Buffy?" Riley demanded.

"She went out. Can-can I get you something?"

"Just tell me where she is." he demanded again as he pulled his boots on.

"You're not well, Riley. Y-you need to rest." Willow said cautiously. He was off the handle.

"Did she find the Polgara? Huh? Is that it?" he asked.

"Well, no, we're still looking. But-"

"But what?" he

"She went to find out what's making you sick." Anya told him happily. Maybe that would calm him down.

"I'm not sick! You're telling me she went to the Initiative?" he asked agitated. She shouldn't be there.

"Look here Cap'n Cardboard, she's just trying to help you. You're lucky she cares at all." Spike replied annoyed. Bleedin' ponce. Should be damn grateful were helping at all.

"Shut up, Spike." Riley sneered. "Of course you take her side. You're obsessed with her!"

Anya and Giles laughed while Willow continued to stand at the stairs a worried look stuck on her face. Spike just clenched his jaw and closed his fist.

"She doesn't belong there." he growled as he made his way towards the stairs.

"Riley, listen-" Willow pleaded as she ran infront of him.

"Stand away from the stairs." he said irritated. He needed to get to Buffy.

"No! You're gonna get Buffy killed-" Willow exclaimed as she stood in his way. He grabbed her by the tops of her arms and shoved her away from the exit, causing her to fall to the floor before he ran up the stairs and after Buffy.