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Chapter 12

Of course, she had thought that her return to Earth was not real. Of course, she had always thought of being on Ba'al's ship all this time. But there, everything was more real, harder. More painful. She did not know how long she lay, crying Jack, lying on him. With her head on her chest, she sought to hear the slightest pounding of her heart, the slightest imperceptible movement of breathing. What she was living was a pure nightmare. She could not stop the incessant stream of tears that shook her. Her heart hurt, terribly bad. She would have liked to snatch it. There was only pain in her whole body, and it was impossible for her to stop it.

It was Daniel who reopened the door first. It was now three hours since they had heard Sam from the corridor, and no one was able to perform the slightest movement to catch with her, perhaps because of fear, afraid to see this woman who was so strong become so weak. Afraid of seeing their friend broken, tormented. Afraid to see how a person cries for her soul mate, without being able to do anything about it; afraid to see the pain in her eyes without being able to help or relieve her.

He slowly approached her. This vision would remain engraved in his mind until the end of his life. Of course he had understood the bond that united his two friends since a long time, without any of them crossing this invisible line, this barrier. But seeing Sam in such a state lifted his stomach. She who was such a smiling person, he now had the impression of seeing only pain and sorrow around her. She was devastated, if indeed the adjective is strong enough to describe her. She clung to Jack as if it were the only thing that kept her alive in this cold room.

Daniel knelt beside her and then took her shoulders. He remained so for several minutes. He finally took a deep breath to talk to her.

"Sam…"

Daniel's voice broke. He had never imagined how his friend would be if Jack died. Of course he had seen her at her worst when her CO was missing, but it was nothing compared to that day.

"Sam, we'll be at the base in a few minutes. I... I beg you come with me... He... he will be transported there."

Sam's sobs redoubled, she clung a little more to Jack's military fatigues. Teal'c entered the room and Daniel looked at him, his gaze was lost. He capitulated to Sam's sorrow. Teal'c approached Sam, and his powerful arms encircled her. Sam tried to struggle.

"No! No I can't leave him!" she yelled.

Teal'c tightened his grip and then carried her to the door. Sam punched him on the shoulder.

"I'm sorry Colonel Carter. You must leave him until you return to the base. It's not good for you to stay like this." Teal'c said.

He pressed her hard against him, as if to help her sustain this pain. He went through the door and Jacob watched them walk. He could not move in front of his daughter's distress. She had been hurt at the time of her mother's death, but it was nothing comparable to today. Daniel, who was always present in the room, sat down. He let out a few sobs too.

"She loved you so much Jack..." he whispered.

He got up and joined his friends in the control room. Teal'c was still holding Sam firmly. Her tears had stopped but her eyes were emptier than ever. They were teleported close to the Stargate of the planet, and then activated the gate to return to the base. Teal'c had released Sam and they went through the door, Janet waiting for them at the foot of the ramp. Four Tok'ra bore the stretcher on which General O'Neill lay.

"I'm waiting for you in the infirmary," Janet said in a breath after seeing the stretcher.

She looked at Sam, who quickly got down the ramp and out of the gate room very fast. Janet lowered her head as the other members got out the gate room in front of her. Tears came to her eyes when the stretcher left the room. Daniel remained close to her, his eyes red. He thought about Sam's pain. It was looping in his mind. He decided to take Janet in his arms and she was surprised, but was finally lulled by this contact.

They went to the infirmary, where Teal'c, Jacob and Pete waited.

"Where's Sam?" Janet asked.

"We have not seen her since she left the gate room doctor Fraiser." Teal'c said.

"Start the blood tests, I'll be back." Janet said to the nurse.

Janet went out of the infirmary and started searching for Sam. Her lab was empty, same for the locker room. Then an idea crossed her mind. She walked into the base's corridors, and then stood before a door. She listened attentively. No sound. She met Sergeant Silers' gaze, who nodded to her. She slowly opened the door. The awning overlooking the briefing room was closed. Then she saw her… She sat there on the armchair, curled up on herself, her head resting on Jack's jacket. Janet approached her friend and she knew it was going to be very hard. Tears flowed in silence from her blue eyes, crashing on her arm. She clung to the back of Jack's jacket. Janet knew she was looking for his smell. This vision broke her heart. She had never understood how Sam had faced her feelings, and now she no longer had any chance of admitting anything to the main party. Obviously there was the Zatarc test, but their hands had been forced. When she did not expect it, Sam said a few words.

"It hurts so bad Janet. I've so much pain."

Her voice broke into a sob. She struck her thigh for a first time, then for a second. Janet intervened.

"Sam no... Shh..." Janet whispered.

She took her hand gently, to calm her.

"He can't be dead. He must not be dead. He has no right to be." Sam said.

"Sam…"

But Janet did not know what to tell her. And she knew what would happen next.

"He has no right to leave me here. He has no right to leave me alone."

Now Sam was yelling. She yelled her grief, she yelled her pain, she yelled in pain.

'Anger', Janet thought, lowering her eyes.

Sam had risen from the chair and went now towards the wall. She struck it with both her fists.

"I HATE HIM!"

She was now striking the wall of her rangers and her fists, as if she were trying to overcome her grief.

"I hate him to make me feel that. I HATE HIM. I HA—"

Her voice was drowned in her tears. She collapsed to the ground, taking uncontrollable sobs. Janet approached her quickly and got to the ground with her. She took her in her arms and cradled her. Tears also flowed down her cheeks.

Sergeant Silers had heard the screams, so he had called the infirmary. He suspected that Dr. Fraiser would give an injection to Colonel Carter in order to calm her. Daniel arrived with Teal'c, a needle in his hand. Janet watched them enter, still rocking Sam. They all seemed helpless to Sam's reaction. Teal'c decided to give her the injection.

"That will help you Colonel." Teal'c said softly.

Sam was far too bad to answer. He gave her the injection in her arm without difficulty, and then they waited for it to take effect. After ten minutes Sam began to calm down, Janet felt her muscles relax. Two minutes later she was asleep by sedatives. Janet moved away from her and Teal'c took her in his arms.

"I shall her to the infirmary." He said.

"Okay..." Janet answered as she sat down on the armchair.

Daniel looked at her anxiously.

"It's going to be very hard..." She told him.

"I can imagine... I... She looks so bad..." Daniel said.

"Losing the man she loves without even being able to tell him... It's so unfair." Janet replied.

Daniel thought about this last sentence. Losing the person you love before you can tell her anything is just cruel. Even if the both knew their feelings, the military regulations had always locked them in their careers, their work. Daniel approached Janet and took her hand. He also wanted to comfort her, seeing tears ran rivers down her cheeks. He made her get up to go back to the infirmary, but before he went through the door he stopped.

"Daniel?" Janet asked.

He lowered his head, taking hold of his nose between two fingers. He turned suddenly towards her, looking at her intensely.

"Oh, and never mind!"

He let go of her hand, grabbed her face and he kissed her. Janet was at first surprised, but she answered his kiss fast. When they moved away from each other, Daniel looked into her eyes.

"I love you. I... I had to tell you. Life is so damn short." Daniel said.

Janet smiled at him, and kissed him again.

"I love you too..." Janet replied to him.

"I know that this moment isn't the best but with what has just happened... My god I'd never want something to happen to you and you don't know it."

He stroked her cheek, then they went to the infirmary. When they arrived, Sam was lying in a bed a little apart from the rest of the group. Janet began her exams. Arriving in front of Pete, the latter asked her when he could leave the base.

"Don't think I'm leaving her. But... I honestly believe that my place isn't here." He said to her.

Janet nodded. Indeed, Pete was definitely not the best person to help Sam, and he understood it perfectly. As soon as she had finished with him, he left. It was then Jacob's turn. She took advantage of that moment to talk to him about Sam.

"It's going to be complicated. I suspect that seeing her like this affect you... but I need to know how it happened after her mother's death."

Jacob sighed. He was one of the most disadvantaged in the face of his daughter's pain.

"Sam was a teenager when this happened. She reacted as it. Teenage crisis, arguments... Then she shut herself up in the sciences ... Books and calculations were her outlet. Today, everything's different. I feel that her world has collapsed." Jacob said.

"I'm afraid she had lost a part of herself..." Janet replied.

Janet finished the exams in silence. She wrote her reports a part of the evening, keeping an eye on Sam. Sedatives were injected in regular doses: Janet wanted her to rest a minimum of six hours. About three o'clock in the morning Daniel knocked at the door of her office. Janet raised her head and gave him a weak, tired smile.

"Hey..." Janet said.

He approached her and gave her a kiss on her temple.

"How's Sam?" Daniel asked.

"She's resting for the moment thanks to the sedatives. I hope she'll be a little better on her awakening but I doubt it..."

"I can't imagine what she's going through..." Daniel said.

Janet did not have time to answer. A scream had just risen in the room next door: Sam. Dr. Fraiser rushed out of her office and quickly found herself at the bedside of her friend. The latter, still asleep, screamed and struggled in bed. Janet woke her up.

"Sam! Sam!"

Then Sam opened her eyes. It took her a minute before she realized she was in the infirmary. But the pain hurt her so badly in her chest. Her throat burned. How would she get rid of this pain? She put her head face first into the pillow and screamed louder, trying to exteriorize the pain that gnawed at her from inside. Sobs shook her body. Janet stood beside her, stroking her hair. She knew she had to let her friend cry, to cry for the man she loved so much, to cry over this immeasurable pain. Daniel and Janet looked at each other, worried, helpless faces at the pain of their friend. At the end of an hour the sobs spaced, and Sam went to sleep, exhausted. Her friends walked back to Janet's office.

"Someone will be assigned to the command of the base." Daniel said.

"I suppose so. We should know more in a few hours." Janet replied.

They talked for several hours, until a new scream came from Sam. Everything started again, beginning to worry Daniel. When Sam was calm down, he talked to Janet.

"What's happening to her? Are there nightmares? Can't we help her?

"Unfortunately only time will help her." Janet answered, resigned.

The next day, Sam was still at the infirmary. She now waddled herself in silence. She did not eat, had a livid face. The funeral of General O'Neill would be the following day. A ceremony would take place at the base, but a civil funeral was also scheduled. Sam had to go home afterwards, but Janet had mandated Cassandra to stay with her the following days.

A new commanding officer had joined as the head of the base: General Landry. He was a very pleasant and competent man, who unfortunately understood that his arrival was most delicate after Jack's death.

On the morning of the ceremony, Sam prepared herself. She put on her US Air Force's suit, the one in which Jack liked to see her in so much. Tears came to her eyes at this thought. Her throat tightened. It was Daniel who spoke at the ceremony, but Sam heard only bits and pieces of words and phrases. She was choking. While the flag was folded according to protocol, then handed over to General Landry, the latter approached Sam. She was in line between Teal'c and her father. The General stood before her with the flag in his arms.

"Colonel." He simply said.

Then she understood. She stretched out her arms in front of her, shaking. The General put the flag in her arms, which she later folded down to her chest.

"On behalf of the US Air Force, I would like to offer my sincerest condolences Ma'am."

He stepped back, then said in a loud voice:

"Soldiers at my command!"

All of them then stood at attention, including the General. Sam closed her eyes, her throat tight.

When the military ceremony was over, the team and Jacob headed out. The civil funeral would take place within two hours. When they arrived there, about thirty people, talking among themselves, occupied the cemetery. At the sight of the black cars of the SGC, there was silence. The group silently went to the third alley of the cemetery, Teal'c supporting Sam with Jacob.

Sara was there, accompanied by her parents. Pete was also present.

Teal'c had prepared the eulogy. It was beautiful, but again Sam heard only bits and pieces. She stared at the coffin with empty eyes. Each one, in their turn, brought a rose over the varnished coffin. When Sam walked around, everyone held their breath. Teal'c wanted to accompany her but Sam detached her hand from his. She had to do this on her own. As everyone watched her, she walked slowly, a red rose in her hand. The only red rose among all the white ones. She stroked the coffin with one hand, looking at every detail. She stood there for several minutes, her hands shaking. Daniel wondered if she was going to get there. Sam's gaze went off, the blazing blue sky burning her eyes. The hand holding the rose shook more and more. Then somebody stepped forward, stood at her side, and took her hand. Sam felt Cassandra's warm hand in her, and was gripped with a sob. She put her other hand on her face. Cassie stroked her hand, supported her as Sam had been able to do with her. Shaking, Sam put the rose on the coffin. They then went to the group. Tears ran silently down Sam's cheeks.

The ceremony ended, and the groups began to move away. Sam saw Pete, and her blood instantly boiled. She let go of Cassandra's hand, who did not immediately understand the reaction of her godmother. Sam was now walking towards Pete's quickly. When she found herself in front of him, he looked at her with a cowardly look in front of her glacial gaze.

"How could you dare come here!" She yelled at him.

"Sam calm down."

"Calm down? This is all YOUR FAULT. If you hadn't sought to come, he'd not have accompanied us! He died because of YOU!" Sam shouted at him.

The air she brought into her lungs burned her throat.

"Sam I'm sorry..." Pete began to say.

"GO AWAY!" She shrieked.

She went back to the coffin, her cheeks rosy with anger. Janet nodded that it was better to leave her alone, and the group went to the cars. Sam stood stoic in front of Jack's coffin. She stood for an hour, before her legs and mind released her. Then she collapsed on her knees to the cold ground. Her head resting on the coffin, she cried. She cried against the hurt in her lungs, her throat. She hit the ground with her fist. The gaping hole she felt in her chest was more painful than ever.

"Why do you leave me like this?!" She said in a sob.

Her friends and her father watched her, stood near the cars. Janet could not hold back her tears any longer, seeing Sam in this state broke her heart. Daniel took her in his arms, tears in his eyes too. They did not know how long they remained there, watching Sam's distress. A man approached them, telling them that they should now put the coffin in the ground.

"I'm sorry for your friend, but we'll have to get the coffin down..." he said softly.

"I'll go get her." Jacob said.

All watched him go away, the man of the funeral pumps following him. Jacob slowly approached Sam and took her by her shoulders.

"Sam sweetheart we must go." he said softly, almost whispered.

"No... no..." She said crying a little more.

Jacob succeeded in causing her to rise and to remove her, so that the men of the funeral pumps could lower the coffin. Sam struggled in the arms of her father, who kept hold of her as much as possible. The coffin began to descend into the ground and Sam shouted.

"No ! Please don't-'

Her voice broke and she felt her legs shift beneath her. Her father fell on his knees with her, pressing her against him with all his strength. The men who were descending the coffin had their throats tight. They had been doing this job for years, but the pain of this woman touched them deep inside their bodies. Cassie cry and fell into Teal'c's arms. They stood here for an hour than left the cemetery. Cassandra and Sam were dropped to Sam's house. Janet left a pill with Cassandra that she should give to Sam at bedtime.

The next three weeks were the same: Sam screamed in her sleep, Cassie coming to comfort her and help her go to sleep again. Sam's silence, every day. Visits from Daniel, Janet and Teal'c. Jacob had to go back to the Tok'ra base. Janet had tried to involve a psychologist, but Sam remained mute. She settled in the garden early in the morning, went home to eat some cookies and then set out again in the shelter of the oak. One day at midday, Cassie had noticed wounds on Sam's hands. She supposed that Sam had passed her anger on the poor oak. Without a word she had nursed her. Sam had shed a few tears while Cassie bandaged her hands carefully. Then she went back into the garden. One morning, while Cassie had a quiet breakfast in front of the TV, Sam walked down the hall. She spoke a few words to which the young woman did not expect.

"I'll get out of here for a little while Cassie."

Cassandra looked at her in astonishment. Three weeks without a word, then this sentence presented hope in her ears.

"Okay. Shall I waiting for you for lunch?" Cassie replied.

"No. I'm going out all day."

"Okay... See you tonight Sam." Cassie answered as she got up to kiss her on the cheek.

Sam closed her eyes at this contact, then left her house. She walked over to her car, which she drove around in for about an hour. She found herself on the edge of the forest, and parked her pickup. She began to walk for long hours. Towards the end of the afternoon, she had reached her goal. She watched the magnificent view from the top of Cheyenne Mountain. She could see all of Colorado Springs, as well as the forest that was begin to take on the autumn hues. She breathed fresh air. Tears were forming in the corner of her eyes and she stepped forward. A rock rolled under her foot and crashed several meters below, exactly three hundred and forty-six at that precise spot, according to Sam's calculations. In a final gaze towards the horizon, she advanced towards the abyss. A step later she fell to death.