CARRY ON WAYWARD ROAD

BACK TO THE BEGINNING

CHAPTER 12

Dean stirred in his sleep as his body warmed, Sam just rolled with his movements, too cold and exhausted to put in any effort to wake. Their heads still covered, unaware if the sun had come out or not. They had been through a lot, and Sam felt like his body was still unthawing.

Dean's memories were coming with a vengeance. He was 14 when he was last awake, and now, his mind was trying to play catch up, he went through the years like a whirl wind. Remembering every painful memory, at this stage in his life, there was very few happy memories, but the ones there were, he cherished. And, they all involved his little brother.

"Run, Sammy, Run, I'm gonna get you!"

Dean shouted out as he spotted his brother's hiding place and raced after him before he could get to base. It took a couple turns but eventually Dean was able to catch his brother, filling him with lots of tickles before letting him go. Then, it was Sam's turn.

Dean knew he had been trained to hide, so he took it easy on his brother. But, this was Dean's way of teaching Sam. He showed him some good hiding places, and would explain to him why every place that was used either was or wasn't a good place to hide.

Dean always made sure Sam understood the reasons, and the next time he hid, he tried to find an even better place, one that followed the reasons why it would be a good place. Dean would explain to him some places he thought of hiding, but because Sam was still learning, he chose not to use them, but he explained to his brother why they would have been perfect places and how hard it would be to find anyone there.

Sam enjoyed learning from his big brother. He had seen his dad train Dean, and Dean was nothing like that. He was always gentle, and kind, and understanding. He took the time to teach him and explain things to him.

Dad, he'd just beat Dean until he figured it out, but Dean never raised a hand to Sam. Even when their dad would make them fight each other, Dean would go easy on Sam and let him win. He'd usually get beat by Dad after he lost, but he told Sam he didn't mind, that it didn't bother him anymore, but, Dean would take those moments to teach his brother different fighting techniques and would let him practice his punches, he also used the opportunity to hit his brother back, not too hard, of course, but he would show him how easy it would be for someone to take him down if he didn't pay attention or guard himself enough.

He wasn't able to say too much while their dad was watching, but afterwards, he would always go someplace, alone with Sam, and sit and explain the techniques that were used and the reasonings behind everything that was done. He would also show him things he did wrong, and help him perfect them. He wanted his brother to be safe. He wanted him to know how to defend himself.

Dean and Sam didn't see Bobby anymore, not after their dad came back for them. Dean had gotten pneumonia from the 9 mile run he was forced to do. He wasn't completely better when John returned, but he knew they had to go. He had taken the time he was there and talked to Bobby, more in depth, about things that have happened in his life.

Bobby wasn't happy with it, but had promised Dean it was a safe place and he wouldn't let anyone know what they talked about. He always trusted Bobby, and hated that they didn't get to see him anymore.

Dean had turned 18, 'four more years' he said to himself, 'four more years and I can get the hell outta here' the thought to leave when he turned 18 was never even an option. He couldn't leave his brother. He had to stay, had to protect him.

He didn't realize that things would change between him and Dad. They got along better. Dad treated him more like a man, instead of a child, he had quit training him, and told him now that he was a man, he should know everything he needed to know.

But, Sam was still young, Dean continued to train him. John had offered to take over, but Dean put up his defenses and wouldn't let anyone else train, or touch, his brother. Sam was 14 and Dad allowed him to go on a few hunts with them. But, usually he was left alone, he hated it, Dean was going on hunts on a regular basis when he was 14.

It just wasn't fair. But, Dean told him he needed to concentrate on his school work, that he was safer if he stayed behind. Dean always tried to ease things over with his brother. All he ever wanted was for that kid to be happy, and as normal as he could be, given the life he had. Of course, Sam always found something to complain about.

Dean couldn't count the times he had stood between Sam and their dad, how many times he received a punch that was meant for his little brother. Sam had a way of pissing Dad off. He never seemed to be happy and complained about everything.

Dean tried, he really did, but Sam just couldn't understand what fine line he was walking. He didn't care, he wanted his voice to be heard, he wanted his dad to know he was nothing like his big brother and wouldn't follow his commands the way Dean did. Sure, sometimes Dean would get his ass kicked for not teaching his brother better, but he wouldn't change a thing, even if his brother was obnoxious at times, he was glad he was able to be his own individual person, and not some clone of Dad the way Dean was.

He knew, even though his brother might have a mouth on him, he was smart and one hell of a hunter, and he could defend himself against anything or anyone. He knew this, because he's the one who taught him.

Dean lived his life, one day at a time, never knowing what the next day would bring, he honestly, never got over being scared. He always expected his dad to come around the corner and smack him, or worse. He lived on the edge, even though a lot of that had stopped once he turned 18.

He wasn't sure if his dad really believed he didn't need it, now that he was an adult, or if he stopped so Dean wouldn't leave. Either way, he was always uncertain of when his dad would stop being nice, and go back to his old ways. He even hooked up with the women as much as Dean did, not requiring him anymore.

That, he had hoped would never start again, but he still wasn't positive it wouldn't. The only thing he had to worry about were the hunts he went on, and keeping Dad and Sammy from killing each other.

The day Sammy left, was like a bomb exploded in Dean's chest. He raised that boy. He was there for him, through every step of the way. He taught him everything he knew. He even pushed him to be smart and finish school, now, all that was backfiring on him.

He raised him to be an individual, to think for himself, now that's exactly what he was doing. He was walking out on the only family he had. He was walking out on Dean. Dean knew he never liked being a hunter, but never did he imagine he would walk away from it. Never did he imagine he would walk away from Dean.

His dad, he could understand that, but Dean? He didn't know why his brother had to leave him. He didn't even offer to have him come along. He probably knew he wouldn't, but still. And when Dad walked in, and heard Sam talking about leaving. Dean couldn't even get his body to move. He couldn't make himself stand between them. He couldn't tell them to stop fighting. No sounds would come out, no movement would work.

Dean stood at the foot of the beds, listening to his dad and little brother, fight, they were having a screaming match. Dad said things Dean was sure he would later regret, and Sam said things that he was also sure he would later regret, but once it ended, the door slammed. Dad had told him not to come back. And, the screaming was over, it was done. Sam was gone.

The door slammed behind him. He didn't even realize his dad had started screaming at him, he was too busy staring at the door, the last place he saw his brother. The last place he would possibly ever see his brother again.

His dad stormed out of the room not long after Sam was gone. Dean sat on the foot of the bed, he retrieved his phone from his pocket and dialed Sam's number, only to hear his brother's ringtone coming from the table where he once sat. Dean was sure there were tears running down his face, but he couldn't feel them, his entire body had gone numb.

His mind was equally as numb as he sat, staring at the table where his brother was working on research just moments before. Then, he looked to the door where his entire family had just walked out. He had never felt so alone, so abandoned. Even when he was abandoned, he still always had Sam, his little brother was always there, he never imagined life without him, yet here he was, living life without him.

He closed his eyes, the pain the pierced his heart, and the thoughts running through his head, were too much for him to handle. He thought about leaving himself, not the same way Sam did. He had a gun in his waistband that could take care of it for him. He thought about the loneliness and fear of being alone. He didn't even know where his dad went, or if he was coming back. Dean kept his eyes closed, concentrating on his breathing.

The door flung open, slamming the wall behind it. Dean wasn't sure how long he had sat there, but his dad was already drunk. Dean's mind was still feeling numb, unable to register what was going on. He followed commands like he always did, without questioning, without thinking. He didn't want to think, his body had gone into soldier mode, just doing as it was told.

He didn't realize what was happening until he felt the tightening of the ropes around his wrist as his dad pulled it tighter and tighter. His other wrist was already tied to the bed post. He was pulling the ropes until they had started cutting into his skin. He was naked, where had his clothes gone? His body was laying in a strange angle. He was on his stomach, but because of the position of the bed posts, his head and upper chest was pressed against the headboard, leaving just his legs and pelvic area touching the mattress.

He tried to pull his arm away, which only got him slapped and the ropes pulled tighter. He laid there for a moment before he realized he heard talking, more like mumbling, he couldn't understand what they were saying. But there were other people in the room. His dad mumbled something to him, he couldn't understand through the ringing in his head, then he left. Again, Dean was left alone, his family had walked out on him.

Except, he wasn't alone. Who were these men in the room? And what the hell were they doing touching him like this? He tried to struggle, tried to fight, but it did no good. They had shoved something in his mouth, and covered it with tape. He couldn't scream, he couldn't do anything to make them stop, he couldn't get help.

He was stuck, like he had never been before. He was used to men touching him, he was used to having to touch other men, but not like this. Dad would tie him down for punishment or training, but again, not like this, something about this was different, something was wrong.

When the pain hit, he screamed into the gag. His body felt like it was being torn apart. He didn't even try to stop the tears that were falling from his eyes. The screams, he couldn't stop them, no one could hear them anyhow, so what did it matter? Dean figured it didn't matter. This was the worst pain he could imagine. And it wasn't stopping. He just wanted it to stop, he needed a break, even if it was just a small break.

He couldn't breathe. He needed to be able to catch his breath, to stop the tears from flowing. His body was trembling under the pain. The man's body, putting weight on Dean's pulling the ropes holding his hands. They had drawn blood as they cut through his wrists, he had blood dripping down his arms, landing on the sheets beside him. He started to daze out, but was brought back by another bought of instant, intense, pain, worse than what he was already experiencing.

It felt like it never ended. He got the break he needed, but it was only as one man finished and before the next started. His mind was fading in and out. He was fighting consciousness. Part of him, wanted to give in, to stop the pain, the other part told him to keep fighting, to wait, that there had to be a way out, somehow.

Both parts won. He would fade out, then be forced back into reality by the increased pain. 'Sammy' that's all he could think of. He wanted his brother, more now than ever. He didn't want his brother to see what was happening to him, but he wanted his brother, when they were done. He wanted him to be his saving grace, to help him keep his head straight.

But, that would never happen. He was gone. Dean let him walk out the door and didn't even try to stop him. He deserved this. This was his punishment. This was what he gets for letting his brother leave like he did. He deserved this. He deserved this.

Oh god! The pain keeps getting worse, he didn't know how much more he could take of it. But, he kept telling himself this was his punishment, that he deserved it. He didn't really know if he deserved anything this bad, but it was the only way to keep his sanity, the only thing that could possibly make this okay.

He didn't know when they left, his fight with the waking world was lost as he slipped into darkness. When he opened his eyes again, he was alone, no one else was in the room. The pain had stopped, well he was still in pain, but it was just the aftermath, just the reminder of his punishment. No one was there to make it worse.

He wasn't able to keep his eyes opened for long before slipping away again. When he opened his eyes again. His hands were untied, his dad laid in his bed, asleep.

Dean's entire body ached, the pull on his shoulders felt like he may have torn something. The dried blood where the ropes once held his wrists was still dripping, ever so slightly. His head, legs, back everything hurt, but especially, where he was just invaded by the room full of men. He felt like his insides were torn out.

He rolled off the bed, silently, making his way to his bag, retrieving clean clothes. He was too weak and shaky to stand, he never thought he would be reduced to crawling, but here he was, on the nasty floor, making his way to the bathroom, and soaking under a hot shower.

Once he was finished, after the water had turned cold, he was determined, no matter what it took, he was going to walk out of the bathroom. He wasn't going to allow himself to be reduced to carpet trash. He was still wobbling on his feet, but he managed to walk into the room with the beds.

He was shocked to see his dad awake and dressed, bags were packed.

Not a word was spoken about that night. His dad said they had a hunt to get to, and made Dean leave, instantly. He didn't give him time to rest, didn't give him time to find his balance on his feet. But, Dean was sure, no matter how hard he tried, there was no way his dad could miss the uncomfortableness Dean was experiencing sitting in the seat of the car for so long. But, still nothing was ever said.

Dean started fighting more in his sleep, causing Sam to wake, and try to calm him. He wasn't sure what he was dreaming about, but he knew it couldn't be good, he also knew he didn't need to wake him if he could help it. Just like before, if he woke him in the middle of something, he would think he was still stuck in that event, still the age of whatever he was dreaming about. Sam had noticed it appeared light outside, he pulled the covers from his eyes, seeing the sun shining through the cracks in the boarded up window. Judging by the color of it, it was possible it was beginning to set, had they really slept through the entire day?

He figured, if they had, then they definitely needed it. And, if the sun was going down, they would be stuck there another night. It would be getting dark and cold soon, and Dean was in no place that Sam could wake him, they would just have to wait for morning before leaving.

He heard the birds outside, settling into their warm nests, and the sounds of what bugs lived through the winter. He smiled at that. He was never more thankful to hear the sounds of nature. That meant whatever was evil, he assumed the thing that possessed his brother, was gone. And nature knew it was gone, which meant, with the exception of the freezing temperatures, they were safe. Sam covered his eyes back up, snuggling into the warmth of this sleeping brother.

Dean never went too long without checking up on his brother. Sam never knew, but he and Dad would drive by, and watch out for him anytime they were remotely close to Stanford. Dean thought he looked happy. He had never seen him that happy before.

He was, obviously, in a good place in his life. He was thankful for that, no matter how much he wished he could have been Sam's happy place, he was just thankful the kid was happy. And, the girl he kept around, she was hot, and they seemed happy together. He had friends he would hang out with, he was living the normal life. He was acting like there were no such things as monsters in the dark, pretending he was one of them, someone normal.

Dad didn't try to pull another stunt like he did the night Sam left, he and Dean became hunting buddies, they got along better than ever. They always had each other's back. They kept each other protected. Much like Dean always did for Sam.

Dean became more comfortable being around his dad, but never completely lost the cautious spot that stuck in the back of his mind, the one that warned him, like a wild animal, his dad could turn on him at any time. He chose to ignore it, but it was always there.

Eventually, through the years, after Sammy started hunting with Dean again, that negging in the back of this head turned to one that warned him that, instead of Dad turning on him, that Sam could turn on him at any time, that he could get up and leave, walk away from everything, at any time, and there was nothing Dean could do about it.

The negging got less and less and Dean was able to ignore it, but it was always there, still is, to this day. He keeps the constant reminder that his brother could walk away and not think twice about it.

"SAMMY!"

Dean shouted, shooting up to a seated position.

"Dean!" Sam was startled awake by both his brother's cry and the coldness that followed when the covers were lifted off him. "Dean, you okay?"

Dean looked shell shocked, he looked confused. "I… I… You're still here?"

"Yeah, of course I'm still here, where am I supposed to be?"

"I don't know." Dean reached out, giving his brother a tight hug.

"Dude, are you alright?"

"I don't know, my head is killing me, and my brain feels like… I don't know."

"Okay, so that's the feeling you get when you actually use that thing inside your skull."

"Yeah, yeah, smartass!"

"So, uh, how old are you now?"

Dean rolled his eyes. "Don't worry, I'm back to myself."

Sam sighed a sigh of relief. "Good, because you were kind of annoying."

"Me? annoying? Have you ever seen yourself as a kid?"

"What are you talking about? I was a perfect child!"

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that."

"So, are you alright, I mean like, really alright?"

Dean shook his head. "No, not really. Not right now. It's like the last 20 years of my life just happened in a matter of hours. I have a lot my brain is trying to process. It's not exactly a picnic in there, you know."

Sam grinned at his big brother. "Yeah, I can only imagine. Are, uh, are you still scared?"

"Me? I'm never scared!"

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that."

"Yeah, I guess, maybe a little, but only because nothing makes sense right now. It's all… confusing. And, like I said it's like the past 20 years of my life just happened, and a lot of crap has happened in the past 20 years. But, you're here, so I know everything will be okay."

Sam leaned his head against Dean. "I'll always be here, you don't have to worry about that. I'm not going anywhere, ever again."

Dean gave a quick grin. "Thanks."

"Well, someone has to look out for you and save your ass when you get it kicked."

Dean gave a chuckle. "Dude, it's freezing!"

"Yeah, because someone pulled the covers off."

"How far is Baby?"

"Half a mile maybe."

"What do you say we get the hell outta here? Go visit Baby, get some heat."

"Sounds good to me!"

The boys packed their belongings, using the blankets to bundle themselves in, to protect them from the bitter cold. They walked in silence, and sunk down into the seats in the car. Both of them glad this adventure was over, both of them thankful they survived another day, that they made it through another pitstop on the road of life.Dean started the motor and found his way to the road.

"Where we going?"

"I don't know, anywhere but here, little brother."

As they looked ahead, they set their sites on the wide opened road, the rumble of the motor filling their ears, giving them a sense of peace, a sense of comfort, a sense of home.