Chapter 11 BPOV

I knew that I had an unnatural obsession with Edward Cullen. What was weird for me is that my initial attraction to him had turned in to a sort of awe-inspired idolism. By the time I had been with the Cullens 4 months it had turned into an all out sickness. I dreamed of Edward nearly every night. He was all I thought about. I knew he could never be interested in a girl like me, I was too young and immature. I certainly wasn't attractive enough for the walking sexual dynamo that he was. It was completely unrealistic to even entertain any romantic notions about him. But I couldn't help my subconscious. It played tricks on me and forced me to live out my fantasies every time I entered slumberland. Thank God no one could hear me talk in my sleep, lord knows what wicked things I cried out.

I wanted desperately to not feel this way. I knew it wasn't healthy to pine after someone that wasn't mine and never would be. He was too good for me. But I couldn't help my dreams and because I dreamed of him so often it almost felt like I was having some kind of a secret relationship with him. Albeit a one-sided one.

I would have tried to stay away from him to see if that would help but the truth of the matter was I hardly saw Edward. He was always working or relieving me of my work with the twins. He encouraged me to explore the city and go out with friends every moment I wasn't with the twins, almost as if he didn't want me in the house.

Despite the fact that Jacob and Alice were introducing me to new people and we went to lots of parties and did fun things together, no one interested me in the least. If I saw someone I was physically attracted to, they would but open their mouth to speak and as far as I was concerned they began to lose IQ points. Or they were wicked smart but held no attraction to me whatsoever. No one held a candle to Edward and what was worse is that every man I met, I silently compared to Edward. It was completely unfair but I couldn't help it. I tried not to do it but it just happened. It got to the point that Alice started saying I was boring and was beginning to wonder if I played for the other team. To make her point she started introducing me to all sorts of women, until I swore on the Jimmy Choos that she let me borrow that I wasn't a lesbian. I didn't have anything against being a lesbian, I just couldn't deal with the equipment.

Soon, it was 3 weeks before the end of my contract. I started to get really sad for many reasons. First of all, I adored Hannah and Ethan. They were more precious to me now than ever. I absolutely loved them and I would miss them terribly. I kicked myself for agreeing to and wanting only short term contracts. Once I leave, I would probably never see them again and I would miss all the fun years of them growing older, hearing them talk and walk for the first time. Someone else would have that honor, it would not be me. But of course, more importantly, I would be leaving Edward. And though he had no idea the feelings I harbored for him, it would kill me to walk away. Even when our supposed relationship was only in my dreams. Still I could feel those feelings and I longed for them.

I could only hope that one day I would find as great a guy as Edward.

Angela called me into the kitchen soon after my realizations and asked me how I would feel about staying on with them for another year. I think my heart skipped a beat. Was she serious?

She said that she and Edward had spoken and though they knew that I wanted to travel and see the world, they also knew that I wanted to start my education. To that end, if I would agree to extend my contract for another 12 months, they wanted to pay for me to go to any university I wanted to in the Chicagoland area and they would pay for up to 8 hours of study for the two semesters. Clearly with my schedule with the twins I couldn't go full time but I could get a jump start on my core requirements and the best part is it would be free. I would still be paid for my time as an au pair. I thanked her for the opportunity and immediately accepted. She was happy that I had said yes but wanted to make sure that I didn't need more time to think about it.

What was there to think about? More time with the twins? With Edward? With Alice and Jacob? Duh! No brainer. YES YES YES!

And soon I was well into my 6th month in Chicago. My parents were thrilled that I was starting school and wished me luck. Mike wasn't too happy about it as he must have thought I would come back to Montreal first before going on to my next job. Seriously, I had done nothing to encourage his feelings for me but once I realized that I was mad for Edward, could I ever go back to Mike? Never.

Anything less than the soul stirring feelings I had for Edward would never do for me. I had seen the pinnacle of lust if you will and I would settle for nothing less. It may or may not be what most couples had but I knew that when I did marry one day I wanted that spark to be between my husband and myself. I deserved that.

I had two more months to work before I started school so I started collecting class information from the local schools. I know they said I could go to any school but I decided to go to a state school because I didn't want to take advantage of them financially. I was accepted into a part time program at the University of Chicago. I decided to take my English classes for sure and maybe one elective. I wasn't sure yet.

When Alice and Jacob found out I was going to stay for a year and go to school they were very happy for me. But it also motivated them to try to get me out as much as possible that summer. They said I wouldn't have the time in the fall what with my classes and work. So we went out a lot. Each party I went to made me feel a little emptier than the party before. I went out of my way to hook up with some guys over the summer. The idea being that I wanted to force the idea of Edward out of my head. Yea, as if that were even remotely possible.

As the saying goes, why eat hamburger out when you have filet mignon at home?

I kissed a lot of guys that summer. Nothing else though. Ok, one guy got boob, well, actually two guys. But only one got boob under my bra. Each time I kissed someone or let them touch me I felt more bereft than ever. And every time it happened I came home and had a hot sex dream about Edward. For God's sake I was a virgin and had never had sex but sure as shit I dreamed of sex with him every time I kissed or touched another guy. It was very frustrating. And in every dream, without exception, I would cum when we had sex. I would wake up with wet panties in the middle of the night and though it felt good while I was dreaming, it left me feeling more frustrated than ever. More often than not I would touch myself, bringing myself to orgasm before I could fall asleep again. And of course the man I'd imagine touching me as my fingers would roam over my body was always Edward.

It didn't help any that Alice and Jasper had become a regular item and that she would call me with detailed accounts of their sex adventures. I was happy for them but I was so sexually frustrated I could have screamed.

Jake continued to move from one girl to the next with no break in sight. I could understand him though. He was searching for that special someone. The problem for me was that I had already found someone special but I couldn't have him.

I was very excited when school finally started. I picked two night classes as they only met once a week and the day classes met either 2 or 3 times a week for each class and it split the week up too much for me to take care of the twins. I took Beginning English Composition and Shakespeare. I loved to read and I hoped that the two classes would keep me busy enough to steer me away from the party scene and too tired for sex dreams. It did work for the first part but not for the second.

The semester went really quickly. Between the twins' schedule, my classes, study time and the occasional party I had no free time and was thoroughly exhausted. And most importantly I was too busy to be unhappy about not ever being able to hook up with my dream man.

My parents had come to visit me over the summer for a long weekend. Edward and Angela insisted that they pay for their hotel which I thought was so kind. We all got along really well. I mean, we didn't spend loads of time together but when we did sit down for dinner or coffee my parents and the Cullens got along famously. I would be going home during the American Thanksgiving for the first time and spending Christmas in Chicago. I wouldn't be home for our own Thanksgiving in October, but the university had a break in November and it seemed a logical time to take a few days off.

Going home felt a little weird. I felt really grown up when I went back. Almost like I didn't fit in there anymore. I did see Mike briefly. It was so glaringly obvious to me that we could never be anything more than friends. What had I been thinking before when I dated him?

I missed the twins while I was gone but I also recognized a good feeling I had to get a small break from their tiring schedules. Edward on the other hand, I missed terribly. I continued to daydream about him and fantasize at night. I missed his gorgeous eyes and that special sex hair of his. He seriously always looked like he had just had sex every time I saw him. And I loved it.

I also caught up on a lot of homework while I was home. I knew that December would be brutal not only for school and finals but also for the Cullens' work schedule. I was still working way past the maximum that I was supposed to. The problem in December was that Angela would be flying to London the first week of December for 4 weeks. She had been granted a fellowship and needed to do some research there. Without an extra pair of hands to help with the twins, Edward, Alice and I would have to split up her schedule between the three of us.

I didn't mind though. This was a great opportunity for Angela and she and Edward had always been so kind and considerate to me. It was the least I could do.

So I slept a lot at home, did lots of homework, spent time with my parents and saw a few friends while I was there. I didn't dare tell any of my friends or family how I felt about Edward. I didn't even know how to classify it other than lust or a sick obsession. And the last thing you want people to think of you when you live outside the country is that you are insane and don't know what you are doing.

When I arrived back in Chicago I took a shuttle to the brownstone. Angela was working and Edward was with the twins. He would have picked me up with them in the car but they had been sick the few days before and no one thought it was a good idea to take them anywhere for a few more days. Jacob was working and Alice was at Jasper's parents' home in South Carolina for the holidays.

I walked into the brownstone and heard voices coming from upstairs. I set my bags down and ran up the stairs to see the twins and see where the voices were coming from. The twins started to squeal when they saw me, they were in their playpen and hadn't heard me come in. I was so excited to finally see them again. I kissed and hugged each one soundly.

"Well, well, well, what have we hear?" I heard a man say behind me.

"I'm sorry, who are you?" I asked.

Edward walked in to the room at that moment. "Welcome back Bella, the twins really missed you." He said. "Have you met my older brother Emmett?"

"No," I said, "we were just getting to that."

"Yes," Emmett agreed as he looked me up and down from head to toe. "We were just getting to that." He grinned.

I blushed as I realized that he was flirting with me. Emmett was much larger than Edward. Not better looking by a long shot but still very attractive. And muscular. His arms were crossed as he leered at me and leaned against the door frame.

"So this is the au pair that you have been raving about and keeping to yourself." He said to Edward.

Raving about? Keeping to himself? What did Emmett mean?

"Ah, yes, Bella, this is my brother, Emmett. Emmett please meet Bella Swan, our au pair." He said.

"Nice to meet you Emmett." I told him. "Do you live around here?"

"No, actually I live in L.A. but I am here for a couple of weeks visiting. And I heard that Angela will be out of town for a while so since I am in town doing some business I thought I would stay here and help out with my favorite niece and nephew." He explained.

It seemed to me that Edward was squirming a bit. I had no idea why. But he was definitely uncomfortable.

"I take it that Angela is working tonight?" I asked.

"Yes, she won't be home until late." Edward said.

"Well then, why don't I unpack and I will see what I can throw together for us all to eat tonight?" I suggested.

"Bella, that sounds great. Thank you." Said Edward.

So that's what I did. I unpacked and then checked the refrigerator. I made a German dish that Claudia had taught me, schnitzel with spaetzle and gravy. The guys loved it and the twins really liked the noodles with the gravy.

The men did the dishes while I put the twins to bed. They were going to stay up and talk and watch a DVD, so I went to bed.

"Goodnight Bella," said Emmett. "I really look forward to getting to know you better."

"Nice to have you here Emmett. Goodnight you guys." I said.

"Goodnight Bella." Edward said. He had a very strange look in his eyes. I couldn't place what that look was.

I walked to the basement door. Just before going down the stairs I felt eyes on my back. I turned around slowly and my eyes widened.

Emmett was staring at me with an obvious look of desire on his face.

And what was more disturbing than that?

So was Edward.

A/N: We would so appreciate it if you would take a moment to review the chapter/story. It is always so nice to hear how people like the story or what they want to see happen. So please review and thank you! Huge thanks to my co-author/fellow brainstormer/beta/friend Parama! YGMC!

Rec's. I love anything vampy best and my latest obsession has been For Eternity by Vampgirl79 If you love all things vampire as I do then you must check it out. It also has a unique spin to it that I adore. It is not the typical Twilight storyline which is a wonderful change up. And you may not always understand Bella's choices…but hey…any visceral reaction to a story is a good one. And of course lots of lemony goodness which is also a requirement these days…LOL