So here you guys are! Took my pills and ate some dinner, and the words came flowing.
Fun fact about me – I got to ride a wheelchair yesterday. It was pretty silly.
Fourth year had been a nightmare. Draco´s confidence was in rock bottom and once again he used his substitute to get his mind of things. Of Harry. He had waited. Even after the day of the ball, to see some kind of reaction from him. But there was none. He was acting like nothing had happened. Like Draco hadn´t stripped down all of his layers and exposed himself to him. He was afraid. Afraid of what happened had gotten out and that people would know. That they would mock him. And it did. The day came when people started acting out against him. It started out small. Looks, and sneers. Then came the name calling. They called him disgusting. A freak against nature – a fucking fag.
Draco of course didn´t give them the satisfaction of showing them that he took offense. He walked on by, and held his head held high. He was proud of whom he was. But it got worse. His father got a whiff of what Draco was and he was not pleased. He sent letter where it stood that he had to get over this phase and that he was not normal. That he was disappointed. That his son was no fag. That´s when Draco started questioning himself. Was he really proud to be something so abnormal? No. No he wasn´t. He was disgusting and weak. And so, slowly, Draco started slipping back into the closet. He denied his true nature and started dating girls.
Harry, he had to a start defended him, but Draco had started pushing him away, going back to who he used to be. A Malfoy. A cruel and superior person. He had said so many mean things. Done so many stupid things to Harry which he regretted every day. But he did not let it show. Soon he even believed that his act was real. That he really was straight and that he was that spoiled brat who didn´t care about anyone else then himself.
The year went by, and the tournament came to an end. That last quest. The picture of Harry, blooded and screaming, crying. Draco had been so afraid then. His heart had pounded out of his chest. For one second he had thought that it was him who had died. When he heard the buzzing around the crowd whispering "he died". But it wasn´t Harry.
Then the fourth year ended and Draco got home. And everything changed. The dark lord was back. Despite what the papers said, he knew it was true. His father was his follower and Draco felt so conflicted. But he was daddy´s boy. He wouldn´t fail him.
And so fifth year began.
Hermione on her part, had walked on edge the whole year. The secret was holding her captive and she had waited too. Waited to see thing play out as they should have. But they didn´t. Only thing that did happen was that Draco became a complete ass again, which Hermione took as a conclusion that he really hadn´t meant what he said and did at the ball. Then again. Hermione was smart. She knew people. Even difficult read people like Malfoy, and she knew somewhere that Draco was probably angry and sad that Harry didn´t do anything to answer his actions. She felt guilty. So guilty she kept telling herself that Draco really didn´t mean it. That it had been a joke. Or an act of a drunken teenager. She had done the right thing. She had, she had, she had. But she knew she hadn´t. But now with all that had been going on during the summer, this felt like such a silly thing to mention. Especially when Harry was so on edge all the time. She had never seen him like that. Sure, she had seen him lash out a couple of times, but this was so much different. He was… Not himself. He would get this dark look in his eyes sometimes. It was cold and scary. He would get mad about the smallest of things. Now when you-know-who are back, and the fact that Draco´s dad had been there… It was just for the best not to tell.
Draco was sitting in the far end of the class-room. It was potion, one of his favorite subjects, but somehow he couldn´t find the ambition to pay attention. His eyes started to wander, and like it had so many times before, his gaze was magically drawn to Harry and his pack of friends. He saw Weasley trying to get Harry´s attention, poking at his arm and leaning against him to whisper something. Draco edged his ears.
"Harry. Harry, could you help me with this? Harry?"
Harry´s shoulder started to stiffen then he answered.
"Ask Hermione. " He said.
"She won't help me!" Weasley urged.
It took a couple of minutes of silence then the red head was at it again.
"Harr…"
"WHAT!?"
Harry suddenly stood up, facing Weasley with clutched fist, breathing heavily.
"Mr. Potter! 20 points from Gryffindor for interrupting class and for shouting." Said Snape.
Harry snapped his head to him now, his shoulders shaking with rage.
"Sit down Potter!" Snape hissed.
"NO."
Draco shivered, his voice was cold and threatening. He had never heard Harry speak like that before. It was disturbing . It didn´t sound anything like him. And Draco had seen him angry, but this was nothing like it.
"Sit down now." Snape shot back at him his eyes promising horror.
Harry placed his hands on the desk and leaned forward as if he was going to sit down but he didn´t.
"Fuck. You."
A wave of whispering went through the classroom, everyone horrified both by Harry´s behavior and Snape´s coming reaction. Harry however didn´t stay to live the tale, but pushed his way through the desks and fumed out of the room, everyone´s heads following his every move and jumping when he smashed the door closed.
"What the hell has happened to him? He´s like crazy or something." Pansy said, after leaving the classroom with Draco. Draco nodded.
"Something really shitty must have happened, to make him act like that I mean. It´s like me on PMS." Pansy continued, clearly not noticing that Draco wasn´t too happy about the subject.
"Pans, shut up. I don´t want to hear about your dirty women issues." Draco snapped, too annoyed to care about hurting her feelings.
"Ouch. Harsh, Drake. You don´t have to be such a bitch." She sulked.
Draco merely huffed and continued down the hall.
"Yeah I do. Because I´m fucking tired of your shit. You keep bringing him up like I should care. I don´t. I don´t fucking care about him, or his fucking issues or his ridiculous hair that still looks fucking crazy even though he cut it. And I don´t care about how he have grown a fucking 2" or that he looks fucking amazing and how that makes me fucking annoyed and want to rip his fucking throat off and fucking ravish his fucking lips until the point where he can never forget it." Draco was breathing heavily now, his pace quickened and his eyes frantically jerking from side to side.
"Gee, Draco, leave something for imagination will you? I get it. You wanna fucking fuck him."
Draco snapped his head to her, shooting daggers with his eyes.
"FUCK YOU!" He yelled and then took off.
"Sorry, I´m not up for being a beard!" She yelled after him.
Draco hissed angrily at nothing, almost running up the stairs. Fucking Pansy. Fucking Potter.
The hell did he think he was, looking that fucking great and fit and amazing?! He had no fucking right to make Draco feel like this. Draco shouldn´t care about why he was angry. He should only think about ways to make him angry. Like he was supposed to do. Draco was so up in his own thoughts that he didn´t notice a boy sitting against the wall, his hands buried in his hands. Neither did he notice the legs of that boy that was pointing out right where Draco was walking. So Draco tripped. He caught his fall with his hands, but his knee took quite a hit. He turned around to face the moron who thought it was a good idea to trip him. And who else then Harry freaking Potter was sitting there? Of course it had to be him. Draco glared at him. God I hate him.
" Sorry." He said, his former anger apparently long gone.
"Fucking moron. Couldn´t you find somewhere else to pounder you pathetic and childish actions? " Fuck, why does he have to look so fucking amazing?
"No, this was as far as I got, I´m afraid." His voice was low and he seemed confused and wary.
Draco watched him, feelings starting to flow through him again. Those fucking eyes.
"What the fuck is your problem anyways? Fucking lunatic." He muttered. You fucking amazing lips.
Harry only shrugged and looked absently at his own hands. They were quite for a while, Draco considering slapping him and run away. But somehow he couldn´t bring himself to do it. Because what you really want to do is kiss him.
"Well, next time you could at least stop and fucking think about the consequences, you left us with a furious Snape you fucking dipshit." You should stop and think of me. Like I think of you.
"You swear a lot." Harry stated noncommittally.
"Well, fuck you. " Kiss me.
"Oh, so you´ve decided you are gay again? That´s nice." Harry said, still with that wary and uncaring voice.
"I wondered when you would step out of the closet again. It´s pretty pathetic, what you´re doing you know." He mumbled and stood up. Draco followed him. Just kiss me right now.
"Well, you would know all about that, wouldn´t you Potter? Having spent your life in a closet. And you have the stomach to call me pathetic. You fucking miserable fucking lowlife." Please just look at me. Touch me.
"I´m just saying. You shouldn´t hide who you are. If you´re fucking gay, you´re fucking gay. Stop sissying around and pretend to be something you´re not. You´re GAY Malfoy. GAY. GAY. GAY!" If you kiss me, I´ll show you. I´ll show you who I´m gay for. Please.
Draco could see the anger flashing in his eyes again. The same dark that he had seen in the classroom. He suddenly went afraid. A chill flowing through his body. I need…
" You should have accepted my friendship all those years ago, Potter. Just look what your so called friends have made you into. You´re a wreck. You know you´re meant to fail. Why don´t you just give up." Draco turned to leave; sick of the conversation and his thoughts that was so different and made him so conflicted. He knew he wasn´t over him. He couldn´t resist. He just wanted to tell him everything. He started walking away, but Potter suddenly grabbed his shoulders, and pushed him back till his back was pressed against a wall.
"SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP, MALFOY!" He was furious, even though the insult wasn´t by far the worse Draco had given him; it was the same old insult he always used. But now, pressed against the wall by a strong grip, with Potter leaning up against him threateningly it seemed he had said something unforgivable. His green eyes was glistering with pure rage, it made him look like a completely different person. It scared Draco as much as it turned him on. Harry pushed him in the chest, making him loose his breath for a moment, then leaned in closer.
"I HATE you! I´m SICK of you! You are NOTHING but SCUM."
Draco started into the mesmerizing eyes to look for something else then hatred, something that made it okay for Draco to feel like he did. Something that told him that everything from his fluttering heart to his growing arousal wasn´t for a waste. He hesitantly raised his hand between them, slowly like it didn´t actually move, to reach out and touch him. He´s so beautiful. Potter slammed him against the wall, harder this time. "Why would I ever want to choose you?" Slam. "HUH? You are NOTHING." Slam. "Compared to them! You never were and you NEVER WILL." Draco flinched and dropped his hand. He was slammed against the wall again, but this time it hurt the most. He let out the breath he had been holding but it came out as a weak whimper. Potter continued to yell at him, nailing every word into his heart, which was already pounding painfully. Draco lowered his head. He couldn´t watch the hatred that was flowing out from the green eyes.
He didn´t understand how he had expected anything else. He knew Potter hated him, so why couldn´t this stupid feelings disappear!? His heart made a strong jolt, as if to remind him that they would never leave, and that he was pathetic.
Potters voice came back and forth like waves, crashing over Draco, every word making him weaker and his panic-attack stronger. "You´re nothing." Draco tried to take a breath but it got stuck in his throat. "I hate you." He tried to move away from Potters burning touch but he was stuck. He wished Harry would just stop touching him. He felt so filthy and disgusting knowing what it did to him even though he had no right feeling that way. He felt so pathetic and ashamed knowing that no matter how much Potter hated him, the feelings wouldn´t go away. "You´re DISGUSTING!"
Draco´s breath hitched painfully when Potter affirmed his thoughts and he had to clench his teeth to prevent himself from letting out the sob got stuck in his throat. Please just go.
"Please." He whispered through Potters yelling. "Please go away." His voice broke when he tried to speak up and make himself heard but the harsh words didn´t stop. They shoot at him like arrows and he couldn´t stop them. The sob he was trying contain, escaped him and he bit his tongue to prevent another, only to provoke stifled whimpers. It felt like he was about to explode.
"Pl-please! Stop! Please just STOP! I-I can´t." He let out a pained sob. "I can´t... bear it."
Potters hands loosened their grip slightly but when Draco tried to slip away, they wouldn´t let him.
When Draco inhaled shakily he immediately wished he hadn´t. Potters scent hit him like a bolt of light, and made him dizzy and he felt the familiar warmth of safety surround him.
NO! He didn´t want to feel like this! Not now, not ever. But his body didn´t listen to him. His skin felt overly sensitive, and the feel of Potter touch was magnified. The grip felt like the claws of a demon and yet an angel. He realized then that Potter was the only one that made him feel like this. Even now, when he´s angry and bashing him, Draco felt like he could float away in pure bliss just by the thought that he had been so close. And that he had touched him. He really was pathetic. The realization struck him like a bolt of light. And finally he got loose from the bruising grip and he ran. As fast as he could. Just away. Away from the hatred and the one-sided feelings. Away from Harry and his addictive presence. He ran until he found an abandoned bathroom. He fell down on his knees and sobbed. His breath hitching in his throat and utter heartbreak pressing him down to the floor. He couldn´t take this anymore.
Harry was standing alone in the corridor. His anger had suddenly dispread like it hadn´t been there at all. It was like someone else possessed him. The smallest thing could make him into a roaring lion about to attack. The meanest words and thoughts would magnify and create something horrible and awful. He had done something terrible. He suddenly saw clear, and realized. Draco. He ran after him, looking in every room he past, calling his name and finally, there he was in the abandoned bathroom of Moaning Myrtle. Luckily she didn´t seem to be present at the moment.
Harry burst inside, screaming Draco´s name. "Draco, just stop!" He panted when he opened the door. Draco was in front of him, standing, quivering just a couple feet away from him, his back turned at him. Harry took a hesitant step forward, but then stopping. "Draco, just. I´m sorry. I-I… I didn´t mean those things. It´s… I just feel so angry, all the time. Draco. Please, just look at me. " Harry pleaded.
Draco stayed where he was, his back turned to him, but he took a deep breath and suddenly everything bursted out of him.
"I don´t think you realize. The pain. And the conflicted fucking feelings. You don´t know. All the shit. A-and. .. I´ve waited. And still. Nothing. I try to push it away. But everything is just fucked up and my father and all those fucking people. I don´t know what to do, but it´s just… Fuck."
A sob escaped the blonde, and then suddenly he turned around, tears streaming down his cheeks, his eyes glazing and shining with a universe of feelings that Harry couldn´t even begin to understand. But then Draco spoke.
A-and I´m love with you. I-I love you. I want you. And I know that that makes me disgusting and … abnormal... I´ve been so confused and so... Ashamed by myself... and about how I felt. And I´ve hated myself for so long. And I´m sorry for everything I´ve done to you, but I was just so angry. I was angry at myself for having these feelings and I was angry at you for making me feel that way, so I wanted you to feel as bad as I did. But in the same time I just wanted to prove myself to you. I wanted to be your friend, but... But you. You just...a-and I was just so mad. And so angry. And I felt so betrayed and I don´t know. I felt wrong. I felt so worthless. The only thing I really wanted in my life denied me, and I couldn´t have it. I felt like a failure. But I-I can´t fight this. I just can´t. My heart, my everything is about to explode and I just can´t... Keep it in. I need you. Please... Say something.
Harry was staring in shock at the boy in front of him, perplexed at the confession. There was so much that made sense now. All the looks and all the moments where he had felt like there was something more to Draco´s words and actions. This was it. This was the answer to the question he had been asking himself since that time on the train. This was why Draco had hated him. Harry´s eyes were glazed by all the emotions that were suddenly swimming to the surface. He always had been so self-conscious around Draco. He had always wanted to know what he had done wrong. What he had done to make him hate him so fierce fully. Some people, saner people, might not have cared. They might just have carried on with their lives. But Harry had grown up with hatred. He had been hated all his life until the day when he started Hogwarts. He had met friends. People liked him. So when Draco had turned up. With all his hateful looks and mean words. Harry had felt like he was back with the Dursleys. Back to being hated. It might be silly, but Harry just wanted to be loved. Just wanted to be liked and appreciated. To be needed and wanted. He met the grey eyes, which were filled with flowing tears and a hopeful expression. That look had been in Harry´s eyes through all his childhood. Every day he would hope to see a flicker of love in his uncle´s or aunts eyes or hear gently words spoken to him. He would wake up every morning, with that look of hope in his eyes. Just to be shattered seconds later when he heard the loud banging on the cupboard door and the harsh words being yelled at him.
So who was he, to shatter that look in Draco´s eyes? Who was he to take that hope away from someone when he knew how much it hurt? He was no one. He was everything. One word could shatter everything. So Harry didn´t say anything. Instead he edged closer to the boy, slowly, gently, keeping his gaze locked securely to the stormy grey ones. He raised his hand only faintly taking in the way Draco flinched, as if he thought he was going to hit him, and then placed it softly on his shoulder.
His thumb moved up to the pale, tear-streaked cheek and stroked it tenderly, wiping away the freshly shed tears that erupted at the soft touch of Harry´s fingers. He would be lying if he said he didn´t feel something for the blond beauty in front of him. He hadn´t known just what it was. But could something that felt this right be wrong? Harry didn´t think so. It might not be the same as love. But it was something. He cared for Draco. He felt a connection with him like he had with no one else, Draco made him feel things he never feel with anyone else. Draco can really take out Harry´s reactions. He knows all the spots to make Harry angry. And happy. So he leaned forward slowly, seeing the way Draco´s eyes widened and how he nervously licked his lips and pressed his own against his. The kiss lasted for less than three seconds, but when they drew apart, the look on Draco´s face meant that it was more than enough.
Well… That escalated quickly. I´m sorry. I wanted to drag all this out even more. But… I don´t know. Maybe it was time? But not to worry, the story doesn´t end here! … Well. If you are alredy tired of me, then ofcourse I´ll stop it. I guess this is a pretty good ending. Even though I have some more in store. Tell me, do you think I should stop here, or follow up with more?
