Title: Parterre Chapter Nine - Interlude
Author: Psycha (psycha underscore fairy at yahoo dot co dot uk)
Series: TNG
Chapter rating: Kplus
Codes: C
Chapter summary: Caught in a not-so-neat web of emotions, Beverly turns to her grandmother for advice.
A/N: Thanks for the reviews everyone! I appreciate them very, very much, so cookies for all :) This chapter is a little 'in-between' while I figure out what to do with the next chapter. Hope y'all enjoy xxx
Chapter Nine - Interlude
Once again Beverly checked the time on the chronometer. It was almost seven a.m. and Troi had left three hours ago, but still she couldn't sleep. Her mind was a jumbled mess of stray thoughts, memories and emotions. Recounting the death of her parents had left her exhausted, relieved and confused. Confused because of how easily she'd found herself talking to Deanna. How good it'd felt to share such a life forming tragedy with someone who could understand.
Whoever in the past she'd told her story to, she never felt they would really understand what it had been like for her to loose her parents in such a way. But in Deanna's eyes she had seen all the emotions she'd gone through. The horrification, the utter fear and desolation. She remembered the feeling of nothing ever being right again. In Deanna's eyes she'd also seen the anger and confusion she'd felt when she got older. When she learned about Starfleet protocol and wondered why her parents had made the mistakes they had.
In the spur of the moment she kicked off her covers and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. The air was a bit too cold on her skin for comfort and while she turned on the lights and searched for her robe, goose bumps broke out on her arms and legs.
The Valerian root tea she ordered from the replicator chased away the cold, but not her need to talk.
Somehow, during sips of tea and meanderings of Betazoid women, Beverly found herself sitting behind her monitor and punched in a commchannel for the ship to set up. While the computer waited for a return signal, she wrapped her robe tight around her body and pulled up her knees, settling into the chair.
The screen sprang to life. "Nana!"
"Beverly my child, how good to hear from you!" The grey-haired woman greeted her enthusiastically. Even at 97 years of age her zest for life clear in bright green eyes.
"How are you Nana?" Beverly carefully studied the woman who'd raised her and relaxed, grateful that she seemed to be in good shape.
Felisa Howard waved her hands dismissively. "Fine dear, just fine. Caldos is splendid as ever, though we're coming up on the rain season. I know they wanted to recreate Scotland, but they could tune down the weather some. It's not good for my Camille's, they're so beautiful in full bloom." Silently she chuckled at her grandmother's monologue, even though she heard it every year. "But," Felisa resolved, "enough about me, how are you? And how's Wesley? I hope he's not pushing himself too hard?"
"Wesley is doing well Nana, still settling in, but he's already making friends."
"Women friends?"
"Nana!" In spite of herself, she laughed. In part because she knew her son was enamored with a girl in his strategic class.
"When are you coming to visit again dear? It's been two years since we've sat by the fire and talked." There was no real anger in the woman's voice, but nevertheless Beverly felt guilty. She didn't return home often enough and Nana was getting older. She might not have many more chances to spend time with her, without being separated by light years and light years. "I'd love to meet your new love too."
The herbal Valerian tea that had soothed her suddenly ended up sprayed across the monitor. "Well," Felisa laughed, her face distorted by drops and trickles of tea, "that's an answer if I ever saw one. Who is it?"
"No one," she answered flatly, suddenly regretting her decision to contact her grandmother. Maybe talking to someone else wasn't such a good idea after all.
"Beverly Howard, you know better than to fool me."
"I'm not seeing anyone Nana."
"Maybe so," Felisa replied after a pause with a twinkle in her green eyes that unnerved Beverly. Her grandmother had an uncanny nose for romantic entanglements. Listen to me, she mused silently, there is no romantic entanglement. "But there is someone, I can feel the emotional tension all the way over here."
She chose not to question the older woman's choice of words. Although she had deep respect and admiration for her grandmother's medical and instinctual knowledge of people, the scientific part of herself couldn't help but to put question marks behind claims of empathy. "I'm fine Nana. I'm sorry I couldn't make it home for the Christmas celebrations."
"That's all right child, it's quaint tradition but I know you're not fond of it."
"I'm sorry." She really was. The concept of Christmas, to tighten bonds with family and friends scattered across the universe was a lovely one, but also reminded her of what she'd lost. Since Jack had died she hadn't participated in the Caldos celebrations.
Felisa stared at her through squinted eyes, for a second with a hint of pity in her gaze. Then she smiled brightly. "No need to apologize, but tell me about this person you're not dating."
Beverly struggled with herself and shifted uneasily in her chair. She had contacted her grandmother in the hopes of discussing her troubles, but now anxiety threatened her resolve. "I think I'm falling In love." Immediately she cursed her mouth for shooting off without permission, her cheeks becoming hot with embarrassment. Forty-three years old and she sounded like a schoolgirl with a crush.
"Why the sour face Howie? That's wonderful!"
"It's complicated," Crusher countered with a forced smile, ignoring the childhood nickname.
Felisa dismissed her concern, then seemed to catch herself. "All feelings are, especially love. Do you think your feelings might not be returned?"
She thought about that for a second, replying her interactions with Troi in her mind. The counselor hadn't pushed her, or shown signs of frustration. Maybe the kisses had been nothing but an indulgence. Deanna had let her get away with her feelings, despite quite clearly catching her in the act. What if the Betazoid was afraid of hurting her by making her disinterest clear? "No," she answered, "I know she feels the same." Deanna wouldn't push her and Beverly knew her friend better than to think she was being lead on.
"What has you so bothered then?" For long seconds she stared at the image of her only older living relative. For as long as she remembered, Nana Howard had been single. Beverly certainly hadn't ever been privy to her guardian's love life.
"We work together, closely." When she was eight and had developed her first crush, on a eleven year old snot named Stefan, she'd asked about her grandfather.
The explanation she'd been given then was so simple she sometimes still couldn't believe it. "I loved your grandfather very much," Nana had said reverently, "but not enough to settle. He wanted to stay on Earth, I wanted to take your mother to the New Berlin colony."
Felisa leaned closer to the monitor. "A subordinate?"
"No, we're both senior staff." She'd been so scared when she said yes to Jack's proposal. Worried that they would grow apart or that he'd be killed in the line of duty. Nana bore her singleness proudly and never seemed very interested in pursuing relationships, but back then Beverly couldn't imagine living without Jack. Some times it surprised her that she'd dealt with his death at all. Denial was one of her gifts after all.
"-be a problem. An empath would be perfect for you." Surprised she eyes her grandmother. "She might finally stop you from worrying so much."
"How did you know I meant Deanna?"
"Oh! That was her name, I couldn't think of it. She's the only other female staff member, isn't she?"
"Yes." When had she mentioned Deanna to her grandmother? Her memory refused to cooperate, teasing her with fragments that made no sense at all. What had she told Nana? "The senior staff is close Nana, we're all good friends, some of us have been more than that in the past. If Dea and I were to," she blushed and awkwardly searched for a neutral term, coming up short, "…do anything, it would upset the balance. There's no telling how our friends will react."
"Because you're both women?"
The question surprised her, she hadn't really thought about that aspect yet. "No, that wouldn't matter." Except maybe to Riker, who'd be intrigued by the idea in all likelihood. "They might worry about conflicts of interest or feel threatened in their friendships." Again Riker was a likely candidate, she knew enough about his history with Deanna to know he felt protective and possibly even a little possessive of her. It had been plaguing her for weeks that she couldn't imagine Jean-Luc's reaction. As the captain he'd frown upon fraternization. But as a friend, as her friend, she had no idea what he'd do or say.
"Don't you think your friends would support you?" Felisa studied her with a frank expression. It made her feel as if she was one of the healer's patients, rather than the woman's –quite healthy- granddaughter.
"And then there's Wesley," of course their friends would be happy for them, wouldn't they? "He's had a crush on Deanna ever since we came onboard."
"Then he'll understand what you see in her." She chuckled with Nana, remembering the doe-eyed look on her son's face, his stumbling words and awkward body language around Troi. He had mostly gotten over his teenage crush, but she suspected his hormones still reacted to the Betazoid.
"It's not just that. I've always kept my relationships out of his life."
"He's a big boy Beverly and smart enough to know his mother needs more than just friends. He wants to see you happy and," the older woman's voice hardened a little, taking on the same qualities as in her rebellious youth, "you need to stop protecting him."
"Maybe," she allowed, setting aside the remainder of her cooled off tea. Valerian tea was lovely, but when cold it made her sick to her stomach.
"Why are you trying so hard to come up with reasons to ignore your feelings?"
For a few moments she couldn't look at her grandmother, or answer. "I'm not," she countered at last, "there are just so many things I have to think about. What if things don't work out? One of us will have to transfer, it'll put a strain on our friendships. We could break apart the senior staff. What if things do work out but she's injured and ends up in sickbay, what if I can't save her? What if--"
"Beverly Howard Crusher, stop that!" Startled, she looked at the screen. "And close your mouth," Felisa added, wagging her finger. "If you truly believe all of those reasons, you might as well lock yourself in your room and never come out again. You live on a starship, sooner or later every single one of your friends and colleagues is going to transfer, retire, be injured or get killed, that's the world we live in."
She knew that, intellectually at least. Deanna had given her the same speech on more than one occasion. This time however, she couldn't convince herself. Too many people were involved, people she cared a great deal for.
"Deanna is an empath, isn't she? So she can tell how you feel." Beverly nodded uneasily. "Do you think that working together, knowing how you both feel, will be easy for her? That you won't create tension by doing nothing?"
"It probably will," she answered timidly, fidgeting with a sinking feeling in her stomach.
"Don't you think that tension might ruin your friendship, even result in a transfer?"
If she couldn't ignore her feelings for Deanna –and she hadn't been very successful so far- at least she could ignore Deanna's feelings for her. "Dea can't ignore how I feel." She hadn't thought about that. Already the friendships had changed, she'd been avoiding not just Deanna, but Riker and Jean-Luc as well. Wide-eyed, caught in the web of emotions she'd created, she snapped her head back to the monitor. "I'm ruining everything, I don't know what to do Nana."
