Never thought about it much at the time of the accident, that Goodnight Saigon would be going through my head on the way to the hospital; or why for that matter? I guess the most logical explanation is that song opens with the sound of helicopter landing and taking off. Little did I ever think at the time; that accident would spark a little more than the next year of my own personal Vietnam war.
As per our "battle" injuries:
My son had whiplash, a concussion and head lacerations; but no broken bones. We have no idea how the head injury has affected his epilepsy.
My husband had a right leg femur closed fracture, tibia plateau fracture, fracture of the right upper humerus and a laceration on his right hand.
I had a right eye glob rupture, lacerations on my forehead, one large laceration that runs from the corner of my right eye down to the corner of my nose, a broken nose (part of my face was displaced - the doctor that operated on me said he could see my skull when I came into the trauma unit). I also had a tibia plateau fracture on the left leg, a cracked left femur, and broken metatarsals in my left foot. The meniscus and PCL ligaments were torn out of both knees and I had hemorrhages in both the cerebellum and occipital lobes of the brain. I think at this point, I've had 9 surgeries; with still more potentially to come.
Of all the injuries we had sustained; mine were the most permanently disabling. Eight years later, I'm still on crutches, wearing knee braces, or both. My knee joints are unstable and my balance is affected. Because of the brain hemorrhages, it's difficult to walk with any speed in a strait line without my crutches and besides having no functional vision in one eye; trying to draw and write by hand is a challenge now too. I used to ice-skate, ski, inline skate, cycle, jog, backpack, rock climb, volley ball, frisbee and bowl. It took two years before I could bring myself to sell all my outdoor sports gear. I'm looking forward to being able to run again on the other side of eternity!
Today, both my son and I still bowl and we have two recumbent tricycles. He has a Catrike Road A-R and I have a Top End force II hand crank trike. Other than cycling and bowling; our primary exercise now is walking. Two years ago for Christmas; I bought myself custom carbon forearm crutches and a ridged framed wheelchair. They cost more than my living room furniture. LOL.
Despite all this; two of us are still here and God is still good. I consider myself incredibly blessed and I would not trade my life for anyone else's. We have a beautiful house resurrected by Habitat for Humanity. (It was a fire rehab.) I'm also grateful for Social Security and now have a more positive opinion of the Veteran's Administration. 25 years later, I was 100% "service connected" for Desert Storm and I'm not worried about finances any longer.
We share our space with a cat and a big black goofy dog who thinks he's a 10lb puppy. He's part Giant Malemute. (That should explain a lot. LOL) My son's a homeschool student who loves his computer / video game enterprises and collects Destiny paraphernalia. I've always loved history. I volunteer for a national park explaining the British side of the American Revolution and I collect Iraqi Desert Storm military paraphernalia and historic weapons.
Even with all God has blessed us with; I'm still reminded that all wars have casualties!
We met as soulmates…. and we were so gung-ho to lay down our lives.
We came in spastic like tamales horses; and…. (one of us 7 years later) left in plastic as a numbered corpse.
And we learned fast, to travel light, (carting special needs strollers, medication, diapers and epilepsy emergency alert tags and Valium to stop a seizure) our arms were heavy but our bellies were tight.
We dug in deep and shot on site (dealing with school districts, IEP's multiple hospitalizations and the constant flow of service providers that come with a child's developmental disability) And prayed to Jesus Christ with all of our might. (Always!)
And it was dark; so dark at night.
And we held onto each other, like brother to brother…(or at least mother and son did).
And we would all go down together!
Remember Charlie, remember Baker (This accident flipped a little boy's world upside down) And left his childhood on every acre.
And who was wrong? And who was right? (Among the conclusion of an 18 month intervention by Child Protective.) It didn't matter in the thick of the (court) fight!
We held the day, in the palm of our hand.
They ruled the night, and the night seemed to last as long as 6 weeks. (Spent in the hospital.)
And we would all go down together.
We said we'd all go down together.
Yes, we would all go down together!
And "went down together" we did. Two weeks after we got out of the hospital, husband told me he didn't love me any more and that he wanted a separation. In the early fall of that year, he told me to leave "and take the kid with you". About a year later, my son and I moved into our Habitat for Humanity house.
March 2017
I was out working in my garden when the county sheriff pulled up.
"Excuse me; are you Kathren Storm?"
"Yes." (I'm thinking oh no, what'd my dog do now?)
"Is Leaf Shaken related to you?"
"Well yes technically he's still my husband. He just filed for divorce about 2 weeks ago."
"Oh. Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but he passed away in his apartment."
"What? Are you sure? Are you sure it was him?"
"Yes, he lived at …. "
"Yeah, that's his address. How'd he die; heart attack?"
"Well, we're not sure. The county coroner will do an autopsy. Do you know if he had medical issues?"
"Well he had high blood pressure; but as far as I know, other than that he was pretty healthy."
"Did he have a drug problem by any chance?"
"Not that I'm aware of? - Why?"
"Well, we found a lot of medication."
"Weird…. " I shook my head. "You sure it was him? It's not his parents who died? That's who I'd expect someone would be telling me died."
"Where do his parents live?"
"North Carolina."
"Would they be up visiting?"
"No, they're too sick to travel."
"No, it's not his parents. He's the one we found. He died at least 6 hours ago. The landlord identified the body. We are looking for the next of kin. You are the one we have on record, but we were told next of kin was his brother. Do you have his contact information?"
"Somewhere I do. I'd have to go look. You want to come in the house."
The officer began to follow me before asking. "Did he have any children?"
"Yes, he has a 15 year old son."
"Did he have any other children."
"Not that I'm aware of."
"Does the son live with you?"
"Yes, the kid's in the house. You want to see him?"
"Oh, I don't need to see him." She replied as she followed me in the front door. "I'm pretty sure now we have the correct next of kin."
My son was sitting on the couch. "What's going on?" He looked up at us.
"They found Leaf in his apartment. They guess he passed away sometime this morning."
"What?"
"I don't know." I shrugged. "I'm shocked too."
My son started to cry and I went over to hug him. "Why?" he asked.
"They don't know. I'm guessing he had a heart attack? I got to find Uncle Jay's phone number."
"No don't bother." The officer answered. "We don't need it. Even if you're not the next of kin, his son is."
And with that she left.
The rest of the month was a whirlwind of confusion, frustration and too much dealing with husband's manipulative brother, shifty landlord and greedy girlfriend; to spend much time mourning. We had a funeral to plan, legal paperwork to file and an apartment to clean out. When I wouldn't sign over the entire estate to his brother; Uncle Jay threw a tantrum and threatened to go back to Virginia. I just told him: "Well if that's what you think you need to do; than go right ahead."
So, we hustled together moving men; decided what we wanted to keep and donated the rest to Habitat for Humanity, the Goodwill and Salvation Army. My son got his father's coin collection, baseball cards, trains and a cedar chest. We also spent some of the insurance money from Leaf's work, to go to Guardian Con in Florida. It was interesting. Neither of us had ever been to a gaming convention and my son was in his 'Destiny glory'.
And we held onto each other like brother to brother…
And a 15 year old boy, with the assistance of mom planned his father's funeral. I felt that was important to let my young 'guardian' pursue his 'destiny' and contribute as much as he wanted; seeing how the relationship was so incredibly fractured.
When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.
Psalm 27:10
My son picked out the flowers, the cremation urn and the photo used for the memorial service. He picked out the words to a song that went on the back of his dad's memorial book mark cards. He suggested the church and I got his final "thumbs up" on the notice that went in the newspaper. He picked out the food that would be served and even the cups and napkins. He did a great job expressing his wishes and needs in the planning; and then sat down and opted to say nothing during the memorial service.
It was simple. Our pastor preached on how Christ is our only hope in life and death. Uncle Jay got up and gave his eulogy and I sang Hold Me Jesus by Rich Mullins. I picked that song because Leaf always said he could relate to it. We were riding in the car on our way to see his parents one time (when "Boo" was really little) and Leaf actually started to cry. Actually I picked his pseudo-name for this story out of the song.
Then we ate spaghetti, meatballs, salad and garlic bread. There were about 100 people at the memorial service, including friends of his, coworkers and residents past and present, friends from out of town, people who knew him from the hosting church, as well as people from our church. At the end of the service, his brother took his ashes and spread them in a nearby state park, where Leaf liked to hike and look at the waterfalls.
Six months later, when I got the coroner's report back: Leaf's death had officially been ruled a suicide. The girlfriend he'd wanted to marry broke up with him and he overdosed on a combination of Ativan, Morphine, Benadryl and alcohol. I'd already knew this though, because I'd found the suicide note and turned it over to the county sheriff back before the funeral; on account of his brother and girlfriend had accused me of murder. Yeah…. I found that out from the detective assigned to the investigation.
My son knows the cause of his father's death. I sat down, talked to him and told him that I'd found the note before I called the police. I didn't want him to hear it from anyone before he'd heard it from me.
Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all.
When the mountains look so big, and my faith just seems so small.
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shakin like a leaf.
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my prince of peace?
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark.
It's so hard inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart.
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shakin like a leaf.
You have been King of my glory, won't you be my prince of peace.
Surrender don't come natural to me.
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want;
Than take what you give that I need.
And I beat my head against so many walls.
Now I'm fallin down, I'm fallin on my knees.
And the Salvation Army band is playing this hymn,
And Your grace rings out so deep, make my resistance seem so thin.
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shakin like a leaf.
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince of peace.
You have been King of my glory, won't You be my Prince…. of peace.
Now whether or not Leaf ever found peace before the end; I'll never know. As far as I can say though, his suicide note didn't testify to that end. It was addressed to the girlfriend; a witness to the fact that after years of adultery, he was in a very sad dark place.
Next chapter: The beautiful faith of a special kid!
