So sorry for taking so long with this. I worked last night and couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to finish editing this. So here is your promised chapter as a thank you for all your kind words and support. Don't forget there's more where this came from so keep those reviews coming! =)
Chapter 12-Maybe
Days have passed and she still has not heard from him, and she cannot figure out why. She knows he would have told her if he had to go out of town, and it wasn't like him not to respond to her calls. She decides to swing by his office after dropping Kyle back off at Elliot's. She makes a quick stop and picks up lunch for the two of them then heads over to his office.
"Good Afternoon, welcome to Malone Corp." the receptionist smiles when Olivia steps off the elevator.
"Good Afternoon, is Aidan available?"
"Do you have an appointment?"
"No, I'm his girlfriend, Olivia."
"Oh, well let me see if he has a break. He's been in meetings all day." Olivia waits while she places a quick phone call through her head set. "Mr. Malone I have Olivia here to see you…yes…yes…very well Mr. Malone." She turns her attention back to Olivia and smiles awkwardly. "He's very busy, and can't come out."
"Well, can I talk to him? I just need a minute."
"I'm sorry. Mr. Malone is not available at the moment."
"Ok," she shifts Shawn on her hip and bypasses the receptionist.
"Wait. You can't go back there."
She avoids the receptionist's frail attempts to keep her from entering the office and heads in, finding him playing with his golf set.
"The hell?" she says when she sees him.
"I'm sorry Mr. Malone, I tried to stop her. Would you like me to call security?"
"No, Mary. That won't be necessary. Please. Give us a moment."
Mary closes the door behind her on her way out, but Olivia never takes her eyes off of him. "You've been avoiding me?"
Aidan sighs. "Yeah, I have."
"Why?"
"Don't act like you don't know. Like you're so innocent."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"I saw you. With him."
"With who?"
"Don't play dumb. I saw you kiss Elliot."
"I never-"
"Please. I don't want to hear it."
"So, you're not even going to give me a chance to explain?"
"I don't owe you anything. Now, get out of my office and leave my key with my receptionist."
He turns his back on her and goes back to his game of golf. She stares at him in disbelief for a moment, then places the bag with the lunch she's brought them on the floor along with his key and leaves without another word.
XXXX
Olivia sips on her cosmopolitan and takes in the room around her. Vivienne has set her up on a last minute date that has come into town in search of a good time. Buck Billings is an oil tycoon from Texas who has been carrying on the family business for the past twenty-five years. She's not sure if he intended for this trip to be about business, but she intends this night to be. She's just not sure what route she needs to take.
"Excuse me, Pretty Lady, you wouldn't happen to be Ms. Alyssa, would you."
"That I am," she smiles. He's very handsome for a man in his mid to late fifties. Salt and pepper hair. Blue eyes, and she finds his southern twang charming.
He takes her hand and kisses the top of it. "Pleasure to meet you."
"Pleasure's all mine. Are you ready to be on our way?"
"Sure am." She allows him to help her off her stool and waits while he pays the bartender. Then she links arms with him and heads to a party that is currently going on.
"So, where is it you're taking me?"
"New Year's Eve party being hosted by one of the owners of the Jets."
"You're gonna have me do-si-do with a bunch of Jets fans? I don't know about this. I'm a Cowboys man through and through."
"Relax. This party is about you getting to mingle with the who's who of the New York social scene. Have fun. Make some new friends."
"I don't know…"
"Relax, you're in good hands."
The elevator stops on the top floor and opens. They cross the small hallway and into the lavish ball room. People stand in small clusters conversing while waiters circle around them, carrying hors d'oeuvres and champagne. Others place their bids on trips to Indonesia, spa packages, Mickey Moto pearls, and other extravagant prizes. A waiter passes them and Olivia grabs two glasses of champagne and hands one to him.
"There's someone I want you to meet."
"Who?"
"Senator Mosely."
"Why would I want to meet him? Ain't he one-a dem democrats?"
"You could use a democrat on your side. You're into offshore drilling correct?"
"Yeah."
"So is Mosely, but not for the same reasons you are."
"Then what am I supposed to say to the man?"
"Mosely's issue is the national unemployment rate. Sell drilling as a means to lowering the rate, and if you sell it right, you will have a democrat on your side."
"Hmm. You know. I like the way you think."
"Great. Let me introduce you."
She introduces the two men and is sure to drop a line about the number of jobs being created with Buck's business, before excusing herself to get Buck a drink. She spots Him on her way to the bar and she smiles before moving onto her next target. Tom Jacobs is a cutthroat and ambitious investment banker that had been one of her top customers before Aidan, and now that she's back to dating other people besides him, she needs to rebuild her clientele. She sidles up beside him and wordlessly hands him a drink.
"Martini. Dry."
"You know me so well, Alyssa. Long time no see," he says and kisses her cheek.
"I've been busy."
"So I've seen. You and Mr. Malone no longer working out?"
"No, it's just time to move onto bigger and better fish."
"Is that why I'm suddenly so special?"
"Maybe."
"So to what do I owe the honor?"
"I hear you're planning on branching out on your own."
His flirtatious mood quickly turns serious. "Who told you that?"
"Relax. You know I have my sources, and you know I never kiss and tell," she winks.
"So, how much is it going to cost me to buy your silence?"
"I don't do black mail."
"Then what exactly do you do?"
"I heard you're having a hard time convincing some of your clients to leave with you."
"They don't trust me. They think I'm too young to stand on my own."
"You're a baby."
"I'm thirty-five."
"You're barely thirty-five."
"Fine, I'll be thirty-five in four months. Do you have a way to help me fix my problem or not?"
"I do," she takes a sip of her cosmopolitan.
"You do?"
"Yup, but it's going to cost you."
"How much?"
"Fifty."
He nearly chokes on his martini. "Fifty grand? Did you not just hear me say I'm trying to start my own business?"
"Think of it as a smart investment."
"And where exactly is this investment going?"
"Senator Mosely's re-election campaign."
"Alyssa, you know I don't do politics. Especially now. I cannot be associated with any insider trading scams."
"All the more reason for you to start your business now."
"What do you know?"
"Like I said, I don't kiss and tell."
"So fifty huh?"
"Fifty."
"And what's in it for me?"
"A client."
"Old money or new?"
"Old."
"How old?
"Early nineteen hundreds old."
"So, we're talking millions?"
"Billions." She watches him swallow hard. "Imagine. Your first official client is a billionaire with a name. You know a name always comes with new money."
"So, I agree to donate to Moseley's campaign and I'm sure to get this client?"
"Have I ever steered you wrong?"
"What's to keep me from backing out?"
"Him being your client is contingent on this donation. So, we have a deal?"
"Deal."
She walks away and hands Buck his drink. "I don't know," Mosely says. "That oil spill caused a lot more problems and money than jobs."
"No one understands this more than Buck, which is why he's also for regulation," she chimes in.
"I am?"
"Yes, because you're all for safety, especially the safety of your employees."
"That I am. I was raised to be a southern man, and we southerners, we take care of our own, and after that great big spill they had there the other day, ain't nobody want that there to happen again. 'Specially on my watch."
"Not only that, but Mr. Billings has agreed to help support your re-election campaign, as well as solicit other supporters who are willing to donate to your campaign as well. In fact one is ready to write a check for you tonight."
"Tonight?"
"Tonight."
"Well then, Mr. Billings, welcome to the fold. I look forward to doing business with you."
The two men shake hands and Olivia brings him over to introduce him to Tom. "Buck this is Tom, your new investment banker."
"New investment banker? Sweetie, I already got one of dem there, I don't need no more."
"And let me guess. He's a good old friend of yours, you've been doing business with him for twenty years or more. He works for - no, he owns his own firm and has your account being handled by his top banker. You're happy with his work and you see no reason to change."
"That's about right."
"Well, you're wrong."
"How so?"
"Tom is young, passionate, and driven. He will make you his top priority because you won't only be his number one client, you'll be his only client."
"His only client?"
"Yes, sir. See I'm starting my firm. I've worked for one of those big companies you're currently doing business with, and I can promise you that I can do better."
"How so?"
"Well, a magician never reveals his tricks, but I can tell you that I'm hard working. I worked my way from the bottom up and learned from the best of the best. I can promise I won't let you down."
"And Tom has agreed to help your partnership with Senator Mosely by donating to his campaign," she smiles slyly.
Buck smiles back. "He has…huh? Well then. Looks like we're in business."
The two shake hands officially, making her night a success.
XXXX
"You know, I came here to have a good time, and now I think I'm leaving with a new business prospect."
"You are, and it's a good one."
"So, is that what you really do? Help men with their business adventures."
"Yep."
"Under the guise of working as a female escort."
"Something like that."
"Pretty and smart. I like that in a woman. Don't see many of those round my parts."
"We're a rare breed."
"That you are." He takes a drink of his bourbon. "Now, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but this party is duller than my great granny's funeral and I'm hungry. These little tarts aren't doing a thing to calm my appetite. I need some rib sticking food."
"Well, the night is still young, and I think I might know a place, but it's not fancy like this place."
"They got ribs?"
"They do."
"Well, lead the way pretty lady. I'm right behind you!"
"Excuse me. I'm sorry to cut in, but Alyssa and I here, go way back. You wouldn't mind if we have a quick dance would you?" The sound of his voice. Warm. Comforting. She didn't realize how much she missed it until just now.
"By all means. Alyssa, I'll have them bring the car around. Meet me outside in five."
"Sure."
He takes her hand and pulls her in close, just as the music to a new song begins. She rests her head against the hard muscle of his chest and aches to feel it pressed against her naked breasts. She takes in the smell of him. His cologne has always been subtle, as if he always smelled that way, but strong enough that you could still smell him after he passed by you. Tonight she finds that scent comforting. Tonight she longs to be comforted by his gentle touch. She longs to feel his body inside of hers. She longs to run her fingers through his hair. To sleep in his arms. To wake up to his smiling face and sparkling blue eyes. She simply longs for him.
"I miss you," she says and he says nothing back.
The music continues and they continue to sway gently to the music. She misses the messages he would send her through the day. Their emoji wars were epic. She missed their conversations and debates. She misses their dates. Whether they be fun or romantic or both. She misses relaxing with him. Laying on her couch or in his bed and watching movies or reading and listening to music.
She misses him.
The music comes to an end and she pulls away from him, but he grips her hand before she can fully pull away. She turns to him and blue eyes meet brown. She gives him a moment to say something. Anything that would make her stay. He says nothing, so she leaves.
"I miss you too," he says as he watches her walk away.
XXXX
10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…Happy New Year!
People around them in Times Square shout, hug, and Buck surprises her when he leans in and kisses her cheek. "Happy New Year, pretty lady. I hope it's a good one."
"Thank you. I hope the same for you."
XXXX
She remembers the first time she came here. It was about a month after Kyle had been born and Kathleen had surprised them both with an offer to babysit, which had shocked her the most. Out of all the Stabler children Kathleen was the last one she expected to willingly give up her Saturday night in order to babysit. She had never been a strong supporter of their relationship and had always seemed a bit indifferent when it came to Kyle. Nonetheless, they had flown out the house before she had a chance to change her mind and with no place to go. They drove around for awhile and then settled here. The food had been amazing and the atmosphere exactly what they needed. Buck tosses the ball into the last glass of beer, officially claiming their win.
Olivia checks her phone. Their date ended hours ago, but she is having such a good time. It's the first time she's laughed like this since Aidan. She misses him, but he still refuses to talk to her and she has given up on trying to contact him. There's no point in fighting when someone isn't willing to get in the ring and fight with you.
"Everything ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. How about you? Are you having a good time?"
"I'm having a great time, I haven't had this much fun since…since Marjorie and I were the age of them boys we just schooled."
"Marjorie…is that your wife?"
"Yeah. She's at home. She has Alzheimer's."
"I'm so sorry. So why are you here instead of with her? Sounds like you miss her."
The group of guys behind them begin to shout and disrupt their conversation. "How about we move this natter outside."
He helps her slip her coat on and then follows her outside into the cold January night. They fall in synch side by side.
"So," she continues. "Do you miss your wife?"
"I do, but not in the way you think. My wife, she doesn't recognize me anymore. I go to visit her and she asks me about me. The younger me, seventeen year old me, and when I tell her that I am me, she looks at me like I'm some kind of pervert."
"That must be tough. How long have you two been married."
"Twenty-five great years."
"That's amazing. Any children?"
"Yes. Five. Spread to the four corners of the globe."
"Sounds like you guys have had a wonderful life."
"So, what about you?"
"Me? I don't have anybody special. That's why I date for a living."
"Really? So what about that blond feller. With those pretty boy looks and fancy hair."
"Who? Aidan?"
"I guess. He's been following us all night." She's seen him. He was at the party mingling with the players. She spotted him at the bar while she and Buck enjoyed their ribs with loaded mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, and the best mac and cheese she's had in years. She didn't see him in Times Square, but she sensed his presence. She knew he was there without having to look. And back at the bar, he occupied a small booth in the back where he'd nursed his scotch and never took his eyes off of them. "That boy doesn't even blink when you're around."
"We used to date, but not anymore."
"What happened?"
"Things got misinterpreted. Things were said and not said. There was just an overall lack of communication. In the end I think it was for the best."
"You think?"
"I'm not one for relationships. They always end badly."
"Doesn't mean you should give up on them. Or love."
"For me. Love always ends in heartbreak. Life's just easier without it."
"Sounds like you might still love this Aidan feller. I don't think you should give up on him just yet."
"I never loved him to begin with."
"Tell me. If he came to you tonight and wanted to get back together with you, would you take him?"
"That would never happen."
He stops walking and turns to her. "Would you take him?"
She pauses and, as much as it pains her to admit it, she cannot lie. "Yes."
"Then I think you should give it another go."
"Maybe, but it takes two to tango."
"And one to make the first move."
Touché.
"Well, how about we get you home. Damn near four in the morning."
"Oh I can just take a cab."
"Well let me make sure we get you in one." He turns around and tries to hail a cab just as a black limousine pulls up and the back window winds down.
"Need a ride?" Aidan asks.
"Speak of the devil."
"No, we were just trying to hail a cab, but thanks," Olivia answers.
"Actually, we were trying to hail her a cab, but since you're here…"
"Buck," Olivia tries just as the driver comes around and opens the limo door.
"This is your chance," he whispers in her ear.
"Thank you," she whispers back. "Will you be ok getting back?"
"Don't worry about me. Talk to him."
She mouths "Thank You" one last time and then climbs into the limo.
The driver waits until she's fully situated before closing the door and heading back into the driver's seat. Aidan rattles off her address to the driver then sits quietly in his seat. The silence is deafening and she thinks that this is how the entire drive will be, and then…
"You look really nice tonight. I like the silver."
And I, will swallow my pride…
"Thank you. So how long have you been following me?"
"Since you left the party. Lost you a bit in Times Square, but I found you. Then I followed you to that restaurant. Driver lost you guys on the way but then I remembered you took me to there before and took a chance that you guys might be. I was right."
"Why?"
"What?"
"Why were you following me?"
"I just…I just wanted to make sure you got home safely."
"That's it?" she eyes him skeptically and watches him struggle as he tries to avoid eye contact.
Say something I'm giving up on you.
"Yeah, that's it."
"A…"
Anywhere I would've followed you.
"Looks like we're here. That was quick."
"Yeah. Quick."
The driver comes around to her side and opens the door for her. "Goodnight Aidan. Happy New Year."
"Happy New Year."
He looks as if there is more that he wants to say, so she pauses and gives him his chance.
Say something I'm giving up on you.
"Good night, Olivia."
She nods and climbs out the car. They wait until she is safely inside her building and she watches as the slick black limo pulls away, taking her heart with it.
You're the one that I love, and I'm saying goodbye.
XXXX
"Hey!"
"Daddy!" Kyle yells as she runs and jumps into her father's arms.
He pulls her close and hugs her tight. "How was your weekend?"
"Good."
Olivia hands him Kyle's backpack. "All of her homework is done and ready for tomorrow."
"Thanks. Thanks for keeping her a little later too."
"No problem."
"Mommy, can I bring Rebecca and Molly with me?"
"You can bring one," and Olivia holds up a finger to emphasize her statement.
"Ok."
Elliot puts her down and she runs off to her room to pick a doll.
"Have you had dinner yet? I was thinking maybe we could order in. Talk a little."
"No, I don't want to talk."
"Why? We've been getting along so well. Is this about the kiss? I already apologized for that."
"Did you know that Aidan was there? He saw us and broke up with me because of it."
"Oh Liv, I'm so sorry."
"Well sorry doesn't cut it, because you just ruined the best thing that's happened to me in years."
"Olivia, c'mon. I didn't mean to-"
"Then what did you mean? Why did you kiss me? Why?"
"We had had a good day and then there was the dinner and there was a moment. We had a moment. So I kissed you."
"Yeah, but why? Were you hoping for something more?"
"I…I don't know."
"So you basically just ruined my relationship for nothing."
"No, no that's not true-"
"Kyle! C'mon Sweetie. Your daddy has to go."
Kyle comes running out the room with a dark haired doll clutched in her arms. "So, you're taking Rebecca?"
"Yeah."
Olivia helps her slip into her coat, then bundles her up in her hat and gloves. "You be a good girl and I'll see you in a couple weeks." She rubs her nose against Kyle's in a sweet Eskimo kiss, then faces Elliot. "Make sure that doll comes back in one piece. It cost me a lot of money."
"Olivia-"
"G'night Elliot."
She gives Kyle one last hug and a kiss before whispering 'I love you,' and then sends them on their way.
XXXX
It's the middle of the night. It's that quiet time when the city that never sleeps has come to rest. It is a calm that she can't explain, but simply exists. There are only a few cars on the street, so there are no horns blaring. No sirens sounding. Just peace, or as close to peace one can get in the middle of Manhattan. The moonlight peaks through her blinds and bathes her room in its sweet glow as she watches the numbers on her alarm clock tick by and she listens. She listens to the drunk girls cackle as they stumble home from the night's festivities. She listens to his voice through the baby monitor.
I've made my home in your heart and your mind, and you laid your hands on my chest and you pointed home…
It's the middle of the night and his voice is coming through her baby monitor and it's killing her.
I'll give you all of me. I'll make you mine. If you'll take me and you'll make me. Your first in line...
It's been weeks of this and it would be different if he would just talk to her and work this out, but he refuses to. So night after night she listens. She listens to him open her door and slink down her hallway into her son's room and sing her baby to sleep. Night after night, but she can't do this anymore and it's time to put an end to this.
She throws off the covers and climbs out of bed. He's in the glider chair when she arrives, her son sleeps against his chest while he buries his face in his hair and threads his fingers through his curls. His eyes are closed and he is so lost in his song that he doesn't even notice that she has entered the room.
"Aidan," she calls. He startles and his blue eyes meet hers. Stark against the darkness.
"Sorry, I just wanted to hold him. I miss holding him."
"I know, but you can't do this anymore."
"Do what?"
"Come here! Night after night you come here and you…you make it so hard. He needs to get used to the fact that you're not going to be around anymore and I - no we - need to get over you."
"I'm sorry. I just…I just wanted to hold him."
"I know, but you can't keep doing this. He's never going to get used to you not being here if you never leave." She watches him tuck her son into his crib with a kiss on his forehead.
He doesn't even look her way when he passes her on his way out.
"Please leave my key and I'm telling the doorman not to let you up anymore," she says. He stares at her in disbelief. "It's time we all had a clean break." She watches him remove her keys from his key ring.
"You know what sucks? I'm the one that did nothing wrong and yet, I'm the one being punished."
"Punished? You won't even talk to me and I'm supposed to what? Pretend like nothing happened and time share my kid with you?"
"Yes, Olivia. You're the victim," he sneers. "You cheat on me and it's my fault. I'm the bad guy."
"No one is saying you're the bad guy. I'm saying talk to me. Fight with me. Don't just give up and walk away. Fight for me!"
…Maybe you could stay a bit longer. I could try a bit harder. We could make this work…
"Fight for you? Fight for you? Why would I want to fight for you?"
"Why are you here? Clearly walking away isn't as easy as you thought it would be because it's been over a month and you're still here. All I'm asking is that you talk to me and work this out."
"Talk. Fine, you want to talk. Tell me, how was he? What was it like igniting the old flame?"
But maybe we should stop pretending. Both of us are hurting. Maybe it's time to go…
"I didn't sleep with him."
"I saw you. I saw you take him to our room after you kiss him. The room that I paid for."
"And nothing happened. He slept on the couch."
"You guys had a moment. I saw it. I watched you two out on that dance floor. Don't lie to me and say it was nothing."
"It was nothing. He felt something. I didn't."
All along it was a fever…
"Then why did he spend the night in your room?"
"Because he needed a place to sleep and I'm not a monster. He's my child's father."
"Don't do that. You always use that line to explain away your feelings for him."
"I do not."
"You do too! He treats you like absolute shit and you still have feelings for him."
"No, I don't. I try to work with him so that we can raise Kyle together without putting her in the middle. You're not a parent. You don't know-"
"I don't need to be a parent to see that there is more than just Kyle between you two."
"Maybe you want to see more between us than just Kyle."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means maybe you're looking for a way out, but you don't want to be the bad guy, you want me to. Maybe your lack of trust is what drove your exes to cheat on you. That is, if they ever did cheat."
"I came back. I came back for you because I felt bad for leaving you on Christmas. I rushed through the deal and had a helicopter fly me back to you. I came back to surprise you and I walk in to find you with him. Dancing with him. Touching him. Letting him hold you. Kissing him."
"He kissed me!"
Round and around and around and around we go. Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know…
"Yeah, that's what you're saying now."
"No. That's what happened. He. Kissed. Me. And I stopped it. Because I was in a relationship with a man that I really cared about. But rather than talking about it and working it out with me, you walked away."
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving. 'Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving…
"It's been my experience that when you see your girlfriend kissing another man, there really isn't anything to talk about, and I wasn't really in the mood for a fight."
"You mean I wasn't worth fighting for."
He doesn't say anything.
…The reason I hold on. 'Cause I need this hole gone…
"Well then. There's the door. You can find your way out," she turns to head back to her room.
"Olivia."
"What?!"
"Let's at least be friends."
"No."
"Livia."
"I have enough friends, Aidan, and I can't even begin to fathom how to be yours."
"So what? This is goodbye?"
"I guess…unless…"
"Unless what?"
I want you to stay.
"Work this out with me."
"I can't…"
"Well, those are your options. Stay and fight for this, or leave and forget you ever knew my name." With that she turns and heads back to her bedroom.
She climbs into bed and listens. And listens… And listens… And listens…Until she hears the door close behind him.
I want you to stay…
He steps into his apartment and literally it is the last place that he wants to be. Because everything in this apartment reminds him of her. His pillow smells of her shampoo. Her bra and underwear hang in his shower. He sees them together in his kitchen. He remembers making breakfast and licking syrup from her lips while she sat on top of his countertop. He remembers the first time they made love and how she cried in his arms moments after. He remembers the joy he felt because she had finally opened herself up to him after weeks and weeks of fighting. Fight for her? He's been fighting from the beginning and, at this point, he's tired of fighting.
XXXX
He can't stay here. Too much of his apartment reminds him of her. Especially with all of her stuff here. He grabs a box from his office and heads into his bedroom. He grabs her bras and underwear from the bathroom and tosses them in the box. He opens his draws and cupboards and pulls out her razors, tampons, shampoo and conditioner. He reaches in the medicine chest for her toothbrush and pauses when he spots the Vicks and Nyquil. Medicine she brought to nurse him back to health. He looks at the bed. He remembers how she took care of him. How patient she was as he bitched and moaned and whined about being sick. How she never said a word or uttered a complaint.
Can you lie next to her, and give her your heart, your heart? As well as your body….
He remembers lying next to her. He remembers Sunday afternoons with Pad Thai and the baby and laughter. He's never been so happy. He remembers one night when they stumbled into his apartment. Still buzzed from the glasses of champagne they had at that evening's charity function. He forgets which one, but what he does remember is how they made it the bedroom in matter of seconds, and how he was so anxious to be inside her and feel her skin against his that he forgot to take her heels off. He'd fucked her that night and woke to find her with them still on. He still has the scar on his ass from when she dug her heel in as she came around him. It was the hottest sex he's ever had.
And can you lie next to her, and confess your love, your love? As well as your folly…
He remembers other nights as well. Coming back here for privacy when they had Melody for the night. He remembers spending those long nights making love to her. However, he also remembers the heartache he felt when he saw her in another man's arms. He should have never left her. It was Christmas and she wanted to spend it with him, but that still didn't excuse her actions. He moves onto the dresser and removes any of her clothes that he can find, along with T-shirts of his that she's worn. He can never wear them again without thinking of her. He stares at his closet. She particularly liked his dressed shirts. He tells himself that he doesn't know which ones she's worn, but he knows. He can see her in his mind's eye in each one of them, but for some reason he's not ready to let that go. He stops by the office and spots all of Shawn's things. The crib. The diaper changing table. His toys strewn about the room. The pen he received as a graduation gift…also known as Shawn's favorite chew toy. He cannot bear to touch any of it. He hasn't been able to for weeks. He moves onto the kitchen.
But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?...
He can see her in here too. Cooking them dinner. Waiting on him to finish making breakfast. The mischievous grin that never seemed to leave her face when she was with him. Except, of course, for those rare moments when he managed to find something to make her laugh, which, as time moved on, seemed to be more often than not. While he loved making her happy, it was the genuine smile that lingered long after the laughter had gone that he loved the most. That was always his reward. He never asked much of her. She made him happy without really trying, but he always had to work so hard to get her to open up to him. To be a real girlfriend to him.
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink. You desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections…
Weeks of wining and dining her. Of proving to her over and over again that he was the one. That he could be a good boyfriend to her. That he would never hurt her. That he was what she was looking for, and for what? So she could turn around and go back to the bastard that broke her heart and took her child from her? The man that condemned her to a life of drugs and prostitution. That replaced her with her best friend. That made getting to know her daughter all the more difficult every chance he got. That's what she left him for?
Her white blank page, and a swelling rage, rage…
Olivia Benson did not deserve to be with him. No, Aidan James Malone was too good for her. Way too good for her. She was a female escort for goodness sake. He could do better. He could do far better. He didn't need her.
Then why was he in so much pain? His heart literally hurt and there were days where getting out of bed was a struggle. On those days it hurts to even breathe.
So tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?
He grabs a beer out of the fridge. When the door closes he's left face to face with a photo booth strip of them. She claims she hates the photo booth, but lets him drag her in every time he sees one. He stares at the photos. The simple smile on her face. This time Shawn sits between him and his eyes sparkle with delight. Clutched in his hands is a soft basketball that he bought him. It was the first thing he ever bought for him. A simple toy to keep the baby quiet while they watched a movie. He remembers the smile that had lit up his face when he saw it. It was the first time his joy came from seeing another person's happiness. Shawn's happiness gives him joy. Her happiness gives him joy.
It's then that he realizes why all of this hurts so much.
The crib and changing table in his office makes him happy. The plushie toys that decorate his couch give him joy. Sleeping with her in his arms gives him joy. Having her toothbrush and shampoo in his bathroom gives him joy. The scent of her on his sheets gives him joy. She gives him joy. He stares at the last photo and realizes that while he and Shawn grin shamelessly for the camera, her grin is directed elsewhere. Her grin is directed at him. In every photo her grin is directed at him and as he stares closer her realizes it's not just a grin, but a smile. A real smile. Her pearly whites are showing and it's so rare that they ever make an appearance. It's funny because he wasn't even trying to make her smile. It's then that he realizes that he brings her joy.
He brings her joy. He brings her joy. He brings her joy. Hebringsherjoy. Hebringsherjoy. Hebringsherjoy. HebringsherjoyHebringsherjoyHebringsherjoyHebringsherjoy.
He's making a mistake.
He puts the beer down and he's out the door seconds later.
Seems like, street lights, glowin'…
He sent his driver home for the night and there are no cabs in sight. So he runs.
I know my destination, but I'm just not there…
He passes the late night stragglers that still aren't ready to end the night. He forgets that it's cold and he has no coat on. He forgets that he's running in a $3000 Italian suit. And $400 shoes. And runs. He welcomes the cold air as it rushes past his face, fills his lungs and travels through his body.
In the streets. In the, streets…
He hears his heart in his ears and uses its comforting rhythm to invigorate him. His legs pump harder. Faster. His strides become longer. Quicker. The distance, shorter. He will get there. He has to. He has to tell her. She has to know. He was wrong. He made a mistake. He has to tell her. She has to know. He sees a flash of yellow and a white blinding light. Then there's pain and faces he doesn't know. The pain never stops. But he has to get there.
He has to tell her. She has to know. He tries to move, but they hold him down and tell him not to move. But don't they know? Why can't they understand?
Blue and red lights flash in between the darkness.
Life's just not fair. Life's just not fair…
He has to get there. He has to tell her. She has to know.
Life's just not fair. Life's just not fair…
He has to get there. He has to tell her. She has to know.
Life's just not fair. Life's just not fair…
He has to tell her. She has to know.
Life's just not fair. Life's just not fair…
He has to tell her. She has to know.
Life's just not fair. Life's just not fair…
She has to know.
She has to know...
She has to know….
I'm just not there. In the streets. In the, streets…
XXXX
He wakes to find himself no longer in the streets, but still in unfamiliar surroundings. It takes him a moment to place himself and soon realizes that he is in a hospital room. It all comes back to him then. He got hit by a fucking cab, and while his first thought is to sue the cab company, his second is of her and how she still doesn't know. He has to tell her. She has to know. He tries sit up, but a sharp pain flashes through his side, causing him to collapse back against his pillow and hiss in pain.
"You shouldn't do that."
He looks over and is surprised to see her sitting at his bedside. "Olivia."
"You had to have surgery. You injured your spleen in the accident and they had to go in to remove it."
"How? How did you know to come?"
"You told them to call me, and now that I know for sure that you're ] not going to die I can go back home to my son."
He watches in horror as she gets up and heads for the door. "Olivia wait-"
"No. No. I got a call in the middle of the night that you've been hurt and immediately I started to worry. I worried while I waited for Melody to come over and watch Shawn. I worried the entire cab ride here, because I was too shaky to drive. I worried the entire time you were in surgery and then as I sat in that chair, willing you to wake up so I could yell at you for being so stupid and almost getting yourself killed. I started to wonder why? Why did you have them call me? Why did I care? Why was I here with you instead of at home with my son? Why was I here holding your hand instead of at home holding his? Why did I care so much when it was so clear that you didn't? Because last night I asked you to stay and fight for me and you walked out on me and made it clear that you didn't think that I was worth fighting for."
"I made a mistake,"
But I still need love 'cause I'm just a man
He rasps and swallows hard. He could use some water, and she gets the hint, pours him a cup and holds the straw to his lips so that he can drink without moving. When she tries to back away he holds her wrist to keep her from walking away. "I made a mistake," he repeats. "I got back to my place, and started packing up your stuff, but I was miserable. Ever since we broke up I've hated being there, and I just wanted to be with you. I was scared that you were like the others. That you only want me for my money."
"I've ne-"
"I know. I know you've never cared about my money, but it's hard for me to trust people because of it. It's something I'm working on, but I was there, looking at our stupid photo booth pictures and I realized how happy you made me, how happy we make each other and I didn't want to be without you anymore. I realized I made a mistake and I had to tell you. I was running back to your apartment when I got hit. I probably told them to call you so that I could tell you that I made the wrong choice. That's the only thing that mattered to me. You had to know. You have to know you're worth it. You're worth everything and I should have stayed and fought for you because you're so worth fighting for."
She doesn't say anything and her eyes have filled with tears and he's scared because he never once thought about it from her point of view and what if he's not worth fighting for. What if she doesn't want to be with someone who treats her like less than what she's worth. He raises his hand and caresses the side of her face.
She closes her eyes and covers her face with her hands, enjoying the feel of his touch. She stands and takes several steps away from him. The fear inside him turns to panic and he reaches for her.
I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?
"Tell me," he whispers. "Tell me what you're thinking."
She's been through this before.
"I can't do this anymore."
She's been through this all before.
He's always prided himself on the fact that he was nothing like him. That he was a better man in every way because he would never hurt her like he did, but he has. He left her without giving her a chance to explain. He refused to hear her side of the story and blamed her for something that wasn't her fault. The only thing he didn't do was take her child from her. He's him. He's Elliot, and now he hates himself. But there is one thing that Elliot never did. One thing that can still set them apart.
"Forgive me," he begs. "Please forgive me. I made a mistake. Forgive me. Forgive me. For-"
She pulls her hands away from her face and blinks away her tears and he swears he's never seen a more beautiful sight. The sun rises from the shadows behind her and she seems to glow. She looks like an angel, and he's sure she's his angel. He reaches for her again.
"Please."
Oh, won't you stay with me? 'Cause you're all I need…
She goes and sits beside him, and he caresses her cheek. "I'm sorry," he tells her. Her lips touch his and there is forgiveness in her kiss.
It's the only answer he needs.
Maybe we can make this work…
XXXX
Thanks for reading! Now for some bad news. My beta will be in a writing contest for the month of November, this meets postings are going to be scarce if not at all. I'm going to do my best (meaning pester her to no end) to at least get you one chapter for this month, but I make no promises. In the mean time can you head over to inkitt dot com and submit a review on whole? It was brought to my attention that you have to sign up to do so. LAME! I know, but you don't need to sign in with any personal accounts such as Facebook or Twitter. I just created an account using my penname and password from here along with an email. It's really simple and to give you all some incentive I will post extra chapters here (After November) depending on the amount of reviews I get there. I'm not sure on the number yet, but I can promise you will be pleased. PM me if you have any questions.
Music Credits:
Maybe-Emili Sandé
Say Something-A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera
First In Line- Matthew Mayfield
Stay-Rihanna ft Mikky Ekko
White Blank Page-Mumford & Sons
Street Lights-Kanye West
Stay With Me-Sam Smith
