A/N: Well I finished another chapter. Rockin' it. As always, love ya faithful readers.
Chapter 12: Like You Knew Me
I can't feel all the things you've ever felt before
I said it's been a long time
Since someone looked at me that way
It's like you knew me
And all the things I couldn't say
"Together", The xx
I showed up at Barbara's door, angry and feeling lost. Harley always had to do this to me when I was at my best. For some reason, she had to sabotage every last bit of me and leave me with nothing. It's hard to believe I was in love with her at one time, something that I would never admit to anyone, not even Barbara. I couldn't face that. No matter how long it's been since I tried to kiss her that day, I've felt the shame of her rejection. Every time I see her, I pretend to be happy. Well, not every time. I am happy to be her best friend and part of me was very relieved that she moved away and let me be in peace for a while. I would never tell her that I felt this way. It would break her.
Barbara opened the door and saw the look on my face, and she immediately embraced me, "I'm so sorry."
"It's alright." I said, muffled by her flannel pajama top. Yeah, she wore flannel. How could her parents not figure that one out?
"Come in, come in." she ushered me inside, "I have wine and chocolate chip cookies."
"You're a life saver." I said, exhaling deeply.
She handed me a cookie and glass half-full of red wine, "Tell me what happened."
"Am I going to bother your roommates?"
"Nah, they're both passed out. We can always go in my room if necessary. In fact, let's do that." She led the way into her bedroom, closing the door behind us.
I sat down cross-legged on the bed, taking a big gulp of wine, "So, Harley just completely blew up at me when we were on the way home from the restaurant. She was pissed about various things, really."
"I thought she liked me." Barbara said, looking dejected, "I liked her."
"She does like you. That's not the problem."
"Oh. Well, forgive me but I don't really understand what's going on then." She admitted.
"The problem is…" I hesitated. I couldn't tell her about her father, but I chose the next best thing, "the problem is Dick Grayson."
She raised an eyebrow, "My ex-boyfriend Dick Grayson?"
"Yes."
"What in the world would he have to do with anything?" her mouth formed an O, "Did they date or something?"
"Oh, no, no, no," I shook my head vehemently, "Definitely not. Um, well, I don't know if Dick talked at all about Bruce Wayne, but…"
"You mean the guy your wife left you for?"
"Yes." I said shortly. Barbara didn't know the whole dirty business of that situation but she did know that Selina and I were married and that Selina and Bruce had the child together. I left out a few crucial details, however, "Um, Harley dated Bruce for a while. They were actually going to get married but she left him for her boyfriend."
"Whoa, that's some serious shit." Barbara leaned back against her pillows, "Your whole group of friends is a little incestuous, hmm?"
"That's putting it lightly." I replied, "Harley and Bruce were very complicated."
"Clearly." She sat up, "You know, I remember Dick mentioning some girl that Bruce was always obsessing over, ex-fiancé or something but he never told me her name."
"Yeah, that would be her."
She grimaced, "He told me it was pretty ugly between them. She used to show up there sometimes and they would always have some big fight in his office, he said."
I nodded in affirmation.
She sighed, "Wow. I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that."
"You're telling me." I laid back against the pillows next to her, "I'm so tired of it all. When she moved to Italy, I thought most of our problems were over."
"Well, it just seems weird that she would be freaking out over something so small like me dating Dick. It was a while ago and plus I don't even talk to him anymore. I haven't talked to him since I met you."
I half-smiled, "Good to know. But I think that it's deeper than her not liking Dick; it's more about the fact that he's connected to Bruce. She and Bruce have an extremely volatile relationship. He went to Italy, too, and they ran into each other. She said now he won't leave her alone. He always finds some reason to come talk to her about his problems and she just wants to move on with her life."
"He sounds like a crazy person."
"Just a little." I said wryly, "I feel bad for her about that, because she's just trying to start over with her boyfriend and her daughter and he keeps rehashing old shit that doesn't matter anymore. Selina and him are always on the rocks but they stay together mostly because of the baby."
"Have you seen Selina since she left?" Barbara asked, and then she immediately added, "I mean, it's none of my business but I was just wondering."
"Yes," I said reluctantly, "We may have…um…hooked up when she came back to the states. It was really stupid and I regret it. She was feeling vulnerable and sad because of what she did to me and I was angry and vulnerable. We both were dumb is the gist of it. I hope that doesn't upset you, but I want to be honest with you."
She was quiet for a minute, "I'm not upset that you were honest with me. Is it really done between you two?"
"Yes, definitely." I said, looking at her intently, "It really is. We're divorced and we don't have anything to keep us together. She's back in Italy and that's where she belongs. Far away from me."
Barbara stroked my hair, "I didn't mean to make you talk about her. I know it's a sore topic."
"It's fine. I need to get over it sooner or later."
"No, you don't. You were married to her and you helped her take care of her child. That's a huge commitment and you shouldn't feel bad about missing her." She said reassuringly.
"I don't miss her much anymore. I mean, I miss her in the way one misses an ex, like it's a dull pain that never really fully goes away, but you push it deep back and pretend it isn't there. I will never forget her and nor will she forget me, but maybe someday I will learn to forgive. Right now, I don't."
"Those who get betrayed never really forgive or forget." Barbara said sagely.
"You read that on a bumper sticker?"
"Pinterest." She and I both laughed, the first time I had in hours.
"I really like you, Pam." Barbara said, kissing my forehead.
"I really like you, too." I said, and I meant it.
She kissed me on the lips, then my neck. She knew what I liked. Things started getting a little more PG-rated and intimate, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, she grabbed my boob and honked. Really. She honked my boob. That happened to me.
I burst out laughing and embraced her, not letting her go, "You are the best, seriously. You made me almost forget about my problems."
"Hey, Harley was definitely being a bitch, but you guys are best friends. She will apologize, I'm sure."
"She can be extremely stubborn, but I hope she does." I turned to her, "Can we just go to bed? I'm emotionally exhausted."
"Yes, that's a good idea." She said, turning off her lamp, "Sleep. It generally helps things."
"You're right. I hope she at least is thinking about it right now."
"I'm sure she is." She said, smiling, and we settled into her bed, falling asleep in each other's arms. Even though I was beyond pissed at Harley, at least I had someone to go to.
…
At Pam's apartment…
It was the next morning. I hadn't slept much; I was worried about Pam and what she was telling Barbara about me. I tried to not think about it but it was one of those things that you couldn't keep off your mind. I thought I had royally fucked up and I was probably right. I'm pretty self-aware in that way. Good for me for identifying a feeling.
I made myself some coffee and watched the news and after two minutes deemed it too depressing, so I switched to some marathon of a makeover show. I missed trashy American television beyond anything; Italian television was all soap operas and dramas that I didn't understand because they didn't have subtitles. On the plus side I was learning a little bit of Italian, like the words for 'slut', 'bastard' and 'I hate you' because the people said them constantly and I could understand by tone and context. Anyway, it was almost noon and I was still waiting around for Pam. My flight was at 4 PM, so I was going to have to call for a cab if she didn't come home within the next hour.
I jumped when I heard the sound of my cell ringing, and rushed to see who it was. It wasn't Pam. It was my boyfriend. I inhaled through my teeth, and hesitantly answered, "Hello?"
"Harleen."
I cringed. I was in trouble. He only used my full name when I was in trouble, "Yes?"
"What did you do to Pam?"
"I don't know to what you are referring."
I could just imagine his exasperated face on the other end, "Babe, I really think you do."
"Ok, so we got in a fight." I mumbled.
"I heard."
"How? Did she call you?"
"Brilliant deduction, Sherlock."
"I don't need to listen to your caustic wit today. I am already stressed." I said shortly, attempting to start putting things back into my suitcase, "Cut to the chase."
"Pam called me this morning and told me what you said to her. Why do you insist on being such a drama queen at all times?"
"I am so not a drama queen." I snapped, "Pam and I got in a fight because I want her to stop dating her new girlfriend."
"Yes, she told me that part."
"And she told you the part about her being the daughter of Commissioner Gordon? And about dating Dick Grayson? Did she leave that out?" I was relentless.
"She left none of that out, actually."
I was stunned, "Seriously?! And you're not upset? I thought you would be on my side."
"Babe, Pam's relationship is none of your business, no matter what the circumstances." His voice was weary.
"I think that these circumstances exceed the limit of my nerves, Jay. I am thinking about us, about Olivia."
"You don't think I am?" he quipped, "If I was concerned, I would get involved."
"What if they break up and she goes blabbing to her father about all of us? What then, smart-ass?"
"I have my ways of taking care of that."
"That sounds rather ominous, darling."
"Take it as you will, but I have eyes everywhere. You know that. I've had a watchful eye on the commissioner ever since I was in Arkham."
"I don't feel relieved."
"I don't expect you to. I just want you to know that things will be taken care of if the need arises." He said, "Has Pam come home yet?"
"No," I replied, "I am packing as we speak. If she doesn't come home soon I will have to go to the airport alone and at this point I don't give a fuck. I just need to get back to you and Olivia and get away from this whole mess. I've had a long week."
"Sounds like it." He agreed, "Call me when you get on the plane. I don't want to bother you and make you more upset."
"Too late."
"Sorry. I love you."
"Love you, too." I said quietly.
We hung up.
I finished packing and zipped up my suitcase. I looked at the clock. A little past one. I had to go. I walked out the apartment doors and into the elevator. When I got down to the lobby, I told the person at the desk that I had to leave it unlocked because she wasn't there and they assured me that they would send someone to lock it for me. I thanked them and walked to the front doors, and started attempting to hail a cab. A cab pulled up to where I was standing, and I put my suitcase in the trunk and got into the backseat. I opened my mouth to say, 'JFK please' and then turned and saw Pam sitting there.
"Oh." I said simply.
"JFK, terminal…?" she looked at me.
"Terminal 2." I finished.
The driver nodded and took off.
We sat there for a minute or two in silence, and finally Pam said, "I take it you've heard from him?"
"Yeah, I did."
"Are you mad at me for telling him?"
"No, not really. I am not that surprised." I shrugged, "You had every right to. Did you stay at Barbara's?"
"Yeah," she said, "She calmed me down."
"That's good."
Another moment of silence.
"Look Pam, I –"
She interjected, "No, no, let me talk. You had a right to tell me what you thought of my relationship and you brought up some stuff that I didn't want to face. I know that it isn't ideal, but I really like her. I may even love her."
I stared at her, "Are you sure?"
"Yes. It may be where this is going and I want you to accept that. If you don't like her, it's going to make it so much harder on me to continue on in the relationship. I still will, mind you, but it will be difficult."
"I do like her. I just don't like the baggage she comes with." I said matter-of-factly.
"Everyone comes with baggage, including you." She pointed out.
"Yeah, but I have someone to put up with it. I want you to be happy more than anything else but I also don't want you to risk my safety, ok?"
"That was never my intention. Her father was an unfortunate coincidence."
"I hope so." I said, "I feel bad, Pam. I do. I said a lot of things that I wish I could take back."
"You don't need to worry about that right now. You were angry when we talked and it got out of hand. That's all."
I looked at her pensively. Barbara must be a miracle worker. She may have more to her than I thought before. You know, I would come to regret those words later, if you can believe it. I bet you can. This story is full of my trials and tribulations and I can never be happy. That's one thing I've learned in life. Never expect anything because you'll be disappointed or basically the emotional equivalent of being thrown off of a tall building. But, back to the present.
We arrived at the airport and we got out of the cab. I took my suitcase out of the trunk and Pam told the driver to wait a few minutes for her.
She looked at me, "Are we ok?"
"That depends on you. I am sorry for what I said. I overreacted." I admitted.
"Then I accept your apology. I know it's going to be awkward for a while but we can talk it out later. You need to get on a plane. I know this sucks but we'll talk."
"Ok, that sounds good to me." I said, and we hugged goodbye.
"I'll call you tomorrow." She said with promise, "We will sort this out."
"Ok."
"Bye," she said, getting in the cab.
"Bye." I waved as the cab drove away.
I went into the airport and made the anxious trip through security like I did last time. Believe me, when you're a fugitive it's not exactly a walk in the park. I got through everything fine and went to my gate. I texted the Joker to tell him I was at the airport and waited for my flight. It was time for me to go home.
12 plus hours in cramped economy seating and two flights later, I was finally in Venice. I took a cab back to our house and opened the door, announcing, "Honey I'm hoommmeeee!" and I expected him to come running to me. I was wrong.
Sitting on my couch was my boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend, Bruce Wayne.
This seriously needs to stop happening to me.
