Pulse racing, body trembling, blood pumping in her ears. Meredith cursed as she bolted up in bed, her skin damp with sweat as she struggled to catch her breath.

"Hey, shhh it's okay. I'm here", she heard Nathan whisper as he sat up to rub her back in small soothing circles. She must have woken him up by the violent jolts of her movements. "You just had a bad dream".

He notices her pants gradually slow down as she prepares to speak. "I'm okay", she assures him. "-just gonna go get some fresh air".

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"It's fine. Go back to sleep", she tells him before she plants a peck on his lips then jumps out of bed.

She goes out the balcony where it's still dark. 3:30ish am. That's when she usually has them. When the horrific images from that terrible night would strike her in her sleep. The shattered glass, the blood on the ground, the loud sounds of the sirens.. and his face. The face she had grown so used to, dripping with blood as his eyes shut closed. Those memories would hunt her rendering her sleep impossible. She stared at the sight of the city before her wondering what it would be like if it never happened. If she never got drunk that night. If she, for once, had taken responsibility and showed up to their date instead of driving him to babysit her like she always did. What would her life be like right now?

A firm set of hands wrapped around her waist startling her again. "Didn't mean to startle you", he said softly as he moved the hair out of her face and stood beside her. "Talk to me, Mer".

She looked into his genuine eyes for a few seconds before she moved her attention back to the view infront of them.

"About four years ago, I met this guy. Paul. The guy from the picture. He was.. perfect. Did everything perfectly, had a great job, was completely supportive of mine. And.. he was my patient. He had Appendicitis and they had me on his case", she started saying as she avoided his stares. "He was the kind of boyfriend every girl would wanna have, and I loved him. Wasn't exactly the best at showing it but I really did. The last couple of months we started having problems, at least I did, and I selfishly dragged him into all of them", she sighed. "I started ditching him when we made plans, showed up late at night and sometimes didn't even bother to. And it drove him.. crazy. Worried sick. He'd call a hundred times a day and then he'd find me in my usual place, the bar, drunk until I couldn't fathom where I was".

She carefully watched his facial expressions change as he listened attentively.

"Nine months ago, I had just lost a patient I've been treating for a couple of years.. and it made me feel.. angry?", her eyes started tearing up. "So I got drunk.. on our anniversary, and he ended up having to pick me from the bar as usual. But this time, we didn't make it home".

Nathan looked at her curiously. "A drunk driver hit the rear passenger seat where he was driving. He died immediately", she whispered, her eyes glittering with tears in the corner. "I just.. can't get the images out of my head. I don't really remember much of it. I just remember the car turning. Twice maybe three times. Paul.. when I opened my eyes, his face was the first thing I saw. Covered in gashes and blood", her voice started choking. "His chest was pinned under some metal and glass. I reached out to check for a pulse but he didn't couldn't find one".

She struggled to hold in her tears any longer as she inevitably broke down sobbing infront of him. Nathan immediately pulled her into his chest as he clutched her with desperate sympathy that threatened to eat him from the inside out. She was broken. He felt her tremble in his arms as she let out all what she has forced inside her from emotions for the past months out of her system. She couldn't help but feel relief, held safely in Nathan's arms. Any form of pain or guilt, any vision from the accident left her in that moment as she barely registered the soothing words he was mumbling into her ear. His hands rubbed her back, loosening her tense muscles as she gradually ran out of tears. She slowly pulled away from his grip staring at the floor before she felt him reach out to her face to wipe her tears with his fingers. Her eyes met his caring ones to which he accompanied with a soft smile.

"If I had just been sober that one night, if I just showed up instead of fucking it all up. It should've been me", she said between sniffs.

"Hey hey, look at me", he said as he held her face with his hands so that she was looking at him, "You did not do this. It was not your fault. It was the drunk driver's fault and you couldn't have done anything to prevent it. Don't do this to yourself, Mer. Don't blame yourself for something you didn't cause".

She nodded as she sniffed back the tears wiping them with back of he hand. "Thank you", she managed to whisper.

"You don't have to be".


"Hey!", Meredith said happily as she entered the attendings' lounge.

"Someone's happy", pointed out April confused by the unusual greeting Meredith just gave.

"I am", she said letting out a smile she's never been seen with before.

"Woke up on the right side of the bed, Grey?", teased Jackson.

"Hey, Let the girl be happy!", April smacked his arm.

"No. He can say whatever he wants. Cause nothing's gonna put me out of my good mood", she assured raising a brow as she walked out leaving them stunned.

"Hey! What was that about?", she heard Amelia ask as she ran behind her.

"Nothing.. I just figured.. life is too short to be spent miserably", she shrugged.

"No no. I know you. The Meredith Grey I know doesn't just figure out stuff like that. Something's up", she said with furrowed eyebrows. "Is it Nathan-related?"

"Nope"

"Your face twitched. Liar!"

"It didn't and I'm not!"

"What are we talking about?", asked Maggie as she barged in on the conversation.

"Meredith's smiling"

"She is! How is that?"

"That's the question. I'm guessing it has something to do with Nathan"

"The hottie mchottie?", asked Maggie. "I really wanna meet him."

"I'm standing right here!", snapped Meredith as the two spoke. "And Nathan isn't part of it!"

"Fine. I'll find out eventually", Amelia said before they exited the elevator and each went their separate ways.

Meredith hated to admit it, but it was Nathan-related. Last night he was amazing. Not at sex, that goes without saying, but also at being there for her. He had stayed up with her the rest of the night as she talked to him about Paul. He was completely understanding and was somehow able to get her to open up to him. For the first time in forever, she was able to breathe again. It felt good to talk about what happened. To be held tightly as she poured her heart out. Life was actually starting to feel good again. For the first time in forever.

"Heard the news?", asked Maggie as she set her tray on the table where Amelia, Alex, and Meredith were seated.

"What news?", asked alex.

"They're hiring a new cardio guy"

"They are?"

"Yep. I'm supposed to interview him after lunch. The chief said he's pretty impressive"

"He better be", said Amelia as she chewed on her fries.

"Speaking of which", Maggie said as she glanced at her pager before getting up. "He's here".

"Good luck", said Meredith cheerfully causing Amelia and Alex to shake their heads.


"Amelia! Need to talk to you", yelled Maggie awkwardly from behind them as she motioned at her with her head to meet her privately.

Amelia and Meredith looked at each other in confusion. "Okay..", said Amelia leaving Meredith standing alone. "That was mean", she frowned once she was alone with maggie in an on-call room. "What's up?"

"It's Nathan"

"What's Nathan?"

"The new cardio guy. I just interviewed him, Amelia".

"Nathan Nathan?"

"Yes. Nathan Nathan. Nathan Riggs", she rolled her eyes.

"Does Mer know?", she asked surprisingly.

"Apparently not! That's why I'm telling you to figure out a way to tell her"

"Why would he not tell her?"

"I don't know! The idiot thinks its a nice surprise"

"Mer won't think it is, that's for sure", Amelia shook her head.

"So.. should we tell her?"

"No! I definitely am not going to!"

"Tell me what?", they heard someone say from behind them.

"Mer! Hey! What're you doing here?", Amelia smiled awkwardly.

"What are you guys not telling me?"

They both sighed. "Fine. But just know, that we had nothing to do with it", warned Maggie.

"Okay, whatever.."

"Nathan is the new cardio guy", Maggie said almost too quickly.

"What?"

"He wanted to surprise you, so he applied for the job, and I was just interviewing him back there. His resume is pretty impressive by the way".

Meredith didn't reply. She immediately left the room leaving the two of them stunned as she prepared to burst out. Someone was in trouble.

Review please!