Haruka sat on the chilly beach and reflected.
It was good to be home. His house had left been more or less untouched by the years away (of course, it was really his parent's house, and they had paid to have someone look in on it every once in a while and check for problems).
It was good just to be here, on the sand, curling his toes into the grit. To stare into the depths of the boundless ocean in the twilight. To smell that tang he'd missed, hear the shh shh of waves omnipresent, the cawing of gulls and the rustle of long grasses dancing in the wind. That wind guested and it was cold: he wrapped his jacket more firmly around himself but otherwise didn't move, too absorbed in the world of the beach, each of his senses reconnecting to this place he had missed.
He had missed Iwatobi. He had missed Makoto.
He allowed that feeling of loss to settle inside him. It was not a new feeling: Haruka had often missed Makoto while he was away in America. He would almost-turn, almost-speak to the man he expected to be at his side, opening his mouth to say 'This movie is really boring' or 'I feel like some takoyaki' or 'Let's go out for a run.' But Makoto was never there, and he'd close his mouth again, feeling foolish.
In Iwatobi, though, the feeling was much stronger than it had ever been abroad. The ghost of Makoto beside him, tall, eyes wide with happiness, never seemed to leave. He fisted a hand in the sand, feeling the dampness and how little grains clung to his fingernails. He'd made dinner for two tonight without even realizing what he was doing.
He laid back on the sand, looking upwards towards the sky. There was a twinkle of boats on the horizon which formed a pretty backdrop for his musing. Unasked for, his mind wandered to Rin, and as if to cement the thought his phone (tossed carelessly onto the sand beside him) buzzed. He blew a deep breath out through his nose.
Rin.
He'd rather think about almost anything else, so he did, thinking forcefully about the fish that lived far down in the depths. It was no good: his mind kept turning the thoughts to Rin.
Now there was a mess.
Haruka sat up again, drawing a knee to his chest and resting his chin on it. He glared out at the boats, seeing not them but a plain white apartment wall.
"For how long?" he'd asked, dropping the flowers (seriously, Rin?) onto a table. Rin had shrugged, looking as though he was trying not to look awkward – and failing.
"I don't know. It would be for at least a few years, but probably longer."
Haruka had swallowed, an odd lump in his throat and an embarrassing tightness behind his eyes. "You're seriously asking me to do this? For that much longer?"
"It's a huge chance for me-"
Haruka summoned up anger to replace these stupid feelings of sadness and disappointment. When he spoke, his voice lacked any inflection. "I'm not staying."
"Don't be an idiot," Rin had said, and then looked as though he was trying not to look upset. He'd taken a deep breath and let it out while staring at the popcorn ceiling. "I want to do this." Haruka had finally snapped.
"It's always about you. Always. What about what I want?"
He kind of regretted those words, now. He didn't – could never – regret leaving that place for Iwatobi, nor did he regret telling Rin the truth. Rather, he regretted the petulance of his words, the harshness of his tone, and the way Rin's face had closed off in anger, the way Rin had turned left the apartment with such feelings between them. It was too reminiscent of the past.
Haruka could give up a lot for Rin. He could leave his friends behind; could move to a foreign country; he could even stop swimming. But he still needed some hope to grasp to – that Rin would be there, that someday he'd be going home, that there was a bathtub waiting for him at the end of the day. Taking that hope away was breathtakingly cruel, and the worst part was that Rin didn't even seem aware of it.
His phone jittered on the sand again, and this time, Haruka reached for it. The older notification was from Rin, as expected:
From: Rin (rinmatsuoka )
Subject: (blank)
Date: 09-09-2013 19:33
Haru, I'm at your parent's place. For the love of God can you please tell me where you are and NO 'JAPAN' IS NOT A SUFFICIENT ANSWER.
He sighed and put the phone back down without looking at the second notification, wondering how to reply. He had been angry at Rin, but now he was just – what? Unhappy? A little lonely? He felt bad for making Rin worry; he felt worse for making Rin come all the way here. But he hadn't asked him to do either of those things.
Haruka pressed his eyes tightly closed and considered.
I'm not going to tell you because I don't want to speak to you seemed childish.
Iwatobi would just piss him off.
The beach was the truth, but he didn't really want Rin to find him.
In the end he sent no reply to Rin. He opened the second notification:
From: Makoto (makomako )
Subject: Just wondering…
Date: 09-09-2013 19:40
Hey, Rin's looking for you, he seems kind of upset? I left you a voicemail message but I don't know if you'll see that… if you want to make it easy on me, meet me at the bench we got coffee at Saturday.
Haruka sighed again and stood, shoving his cell phone into his jacket pocket. Might as well go and meet Makoto as anything else, then. He had a second thought, though, and fished his phone back out of the pocket to send a quick message.
To: Rin (rinmatsuoka )
Subject: Re: (blank)
Date: 09-09-2013 19:42
Go to bed, I can tell you're exhausted even through the cell phone.
That done, he returned the phone to his pocket and set off on the long walk to that park.
