Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Soul Calibur. Namco does.


It was midnight and Tira and Nightmare had just finished their make-out session. Tira, fully clothed(Don't worry!), was laying on top of Nightmare on his chest. Nightmare had his good arm around Tira's waist.

"Nightmare..." Tira said, out of breath. "That was fun..."

"Yeah..." Nightmare said in the same tone. "It was..."

Tira rested her head on Nightmare's chest.

"I love you, Nighty."

"I love you, too."

The two laid quietly in the tent and closed their eyes. Then, suddenly, a scream pierced the night time air, waking the two up. Xianghua brusted into the tent. She looked like she has just seen a ghost or Algol naked.

"What's your problem?!" Tira snapped.

"Can't you see we're trying to sleep?!" Nightmare barked.

Xianghua was pointing frantically at the door. She was whimpering and couldn't say whatever she was trying to say. Tira rolled off of Nightmare and Nightmare sat up. The two glared at the crazy neighbor.

"Come on, spit it out!" Tira said angrily.

"Ba-ba-ba-ba..." Xianghua managed to get out through chattering teeth.

"Battling pumas?" Tira asked.

"Bacon sizzling?" Nightmare asked.

"Badge-badge-badge..."

"Girl scout badges?" Tira asked.

Xianghua slapped her forehead. "RADIOACTIVE BADGERS!!!!! OUTSIDE!!!!"

"What?!" Nightmare and Tira shouted in unison.

The two ran outside, almost knocking Xianghua over. The stood outside the tent and Xianghua staggered out to stand next to them.

Badgers were crawling all over the place. They were glowing bright greenish-yellow, pointing out the fact that they were indeed radioactive.

Kilik, who was standing on his picnic table and holding a jar of honey in the air, was trying to stab the badgers that were trying to get the jar.

"No!" Kilik yelled at the badgers. "This my last jar of honey. You will not get this jar!"

"Kilik! For Soul Calibur's sake, put that jar down!" Xianghua yelled at Kilik. "They will kill you."

"No! This is my last jar!"

He looked at one badger. The badger glared and hissed at him. Kilik screamed, dropped the jar and ran over to Xianghua and the others. He wrapped his arms around Xianghua's waist.

"It hissed at me! And took my jar of honey!"

"There, there Kilik-chan," Xianghua said comfortably. She patted his head gently. "It'll be okay."

Then, one of the badgers made a howling noise. The other badgers congregated in front of the four people and got into perfectly straight rows. The badgers got up onto their hind legs and one of them clapped. That was when the "Thriller" song played. All of the badgers, executed the dance perfectly and repeated it over and over and over. The four stand by the tent, completely creep-ed out by the badgers.

"OMG!!! They know the Thriller dance!!!!" Nightmare shouted in terror.

"That...is...scary," Tira said quietly.

"Someone! Make it stop!" Kilik said frantically.

Xianghua slapped Kilik on the top of the head. "Get a hold of yourself! Be a man and stop them!"

"Everyone into the tent!" Tira said.

The four ran into Nightmare and Tira's tent and sat on the floor. The song could still be heard through the tent.

"Okay...how are we going to get rid of the badgers?" Tira asked the question.

"I think we should send someone out there and fight the badgers," Xianghua suggested.

"Who?" Kilik asked.

"Let's draw straws!" Nightmare said cheerfully.

"We don't have straws, Nighty," Tira said.

"Yes I do!" Nightmare said. He reached into his pants and pulled out four straws. Everyone looked at him with the infamous 'wtf' look.

"Um...I'm not going to asked why you had straws down your pants." Tira mumbled.

Everyone pulled a straw from Nightmare's hand. Everyone had a long straw, except for Kilik. Nightmare, Tira and Xianghua looked at Kilik. Kilik began sweating.

"I demand a re-do!" Kilik said.

Nightmare went over to Kilik and placed a hand on his shoulder. The girls gave him a creepy smile.

"Wh-what are you doing?" Kilik asked.

"Nighty! Hold him down!" Tira commanded.

Nightmare pushed Kilik down. Kilik yelped and trembled.

Tira and Xianghua stood over him. Tira was holding a blond, curly wig and a pretty red dress with white polka dots on it. Xianghua was holding a bag of make-up.

"Oh no!" Kilik said scared out of his wits. "No! Please! My manhood is at sake!"

"What manhood?" Nightmare asked.

"Burn!" Tira added in.

The girls closed in on Kilik and did horrible stuff to him.


Five gruling minutes have past and the girls had finished what they called a master piece. Tira pulled out a little mirror and gave it to Kilik, trying not to laugh. Kilik slowly held up the mirror.

Kilik screamed at the sight of his face. The curly blond wig was on his head and itching very badly. The make up that was on his face looked as if a two year got into their mother's make-up stuff and put it on their father. Kilik looked down at his body. The red dress was on him and cute little shoes that pinched his toes.

"What the hell did you do to me?!" Kilik shrieked.

Nightmare and Tira were snickering in the corner. Xianghua went over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Kilik-chan. But this is the only way to get rid of the badgers."

"Why can't you or Tira do it then?"

Nightmare grabbed the back of the dress and punted Kilik out of the tent. Kilik landed outside in front of the badgers, who were still dancing to Thriller. He looked at the tent and saw Tira poking her head out of the opening.

"Nothing personal, neighbor!" Tira shouted before going back into the tent.

"This is not funny!" Kilik shouted back.

Then, music stopped and the badgers stood in place. Kilik looked at the badgers, who were growling at him. The badgers parted away and a giant badgers, glowing a lot more brighter than the others, walked up to Kilik and sniffed him. Kilik sat still, trembling and sweating badly. The badger back away.

"Girl...." It said menacingly.

"I'm no girl!" Kilik screamed at the badger. "In fact, these pantyhose itch and make my butt looked big!"

"Girl...." More badgers chimed in.

"I'm not a girl! I'm a man! MAN!!!!!"

Kilik lifted up the skirt and ripped off the pantyhose, showing off his boxers that had little images of Soul Calibur on it. The badgers looked at the underwear. The main badger looked at the underwear, then up at Kilik.

"He-she....." It growled.

"He-she....." The others growled.

"I'm not a he-she!" Kilik shrieked.

"Then why you have blone, curly hair?" The head badger asked.

"I do not!"

"Liar! Tie he-she to tree!" The main badger commanded.

"To tree!" The other badgers repeated.

"I'm not a he-she! I'm-hey! Put me down!"

The badgers picked up Kilik and brought him to a tree. One badgers kept him place and another tied him up.

"Let us continue dance!" One badger yelled.

"YEAH!!!!"

The Thriller music started up again and the badgers continued their dance.

"What's taking him so long?" Tira asked.

The three were sitting in the comfort and safety of the tent.

"I don't know, but why did the music start up again?" Xianghua said looking around anxiously.

Nightmare shrugged. "Maybe he beated them and he's just dancing."

A paper airplane flew into the tent and landed in Nightmare's eye. Nightmare yelped and pulled the paper out.

"You stupid paper!" He yelled at the paper. "I will-!"

"Nighty!" Tira stopped him before he crumpled the paper. "Maybe there is a message on it."

Nightmare mumbled something and opened up the paper. There was very neat, cursive handwriting written on the paper.

"Um...is this Kilik's handwriting?" Tira asked Xianghua.

"No. Kilik-chan usually writes like a five year old." Xianghua answered.

"What does it say?" Tira asked Nightmare.

Nightmare investigated the paper and turned it up-side down. "Beats me. I never learned how to read."

"Are you serious?" Tira growled.

"Naw! I'm just kidding. It says 'We have captured the he-she. Bring us a chocolate cake and we will set the he-she free.' Then there's a giant paw print on it and something that's looks like spit."

"They captured my Kilik-chan!" Xianghua cried. "Kilik! I'm so sorry!"

Tira slapped Xianghua across the face. "Get a hold of yourself! Now...how are we going to save your demented boyfriend?"

"We can send you out naked, Tira," Nightmare suggested.

"What good would that do?" Tira asked with a brow raised.

"Beats me, but it will make me happy!" Nightmare chuckled at the end. He received a good punch in the face and fell onto his back unconscious.

"But in all seriousness, what can we do?" Tira asked.

"I can go out there and sing," Xianghua said.

"What would that do?"

"Trust me, I've scared many people off from my singing!" Xianghua said cheerfully.

"Um...okay then. Go out there and sing badly!"

Xianghua went out side and stood in front of the tent. The badgers were still doing the dance. Kilik was tied to the tree, kicking and screaming. Xianghua opened her mouth and began singing a "DoReMi" scale in a tone-deaf fashion. Nightmare, who had just woke up, placed his hands over on the armor where his ears are suppose to be.

"Ah!!! It sounds like a bloody dog whistle!" Nightmare complained loudly.

Tira put on earplugs and couldn't hear a thing.

Unfortunately, the badgers seem to like the tone-deaf music and cheered Xianghua. Then, one badgers grabbed her and brought her to the tree Kilik was. She was tied up next to her boyfriend.

"Well...I tried," Xianghua sighed.

"That was a lovely song, Xianghua," Kilik said romantically.

"Thank you, Kilik-chan!"

"Great...now it's only us Nighty. Any bright ideas?"

The two sat quietly, waiting for an idea to get rid of the radioactive badgers. Nightmare snapped his fingers, assuming he had and idea.

"Tira! Fetch the war paint!"

"Why?"

"Hohoho...You'll see my precious servant. You'll see."


The badgers were still dancing to the Thriller song. Kilik and Xianghua were asleep, still tied to the tree.

"Tira...you ready?"

"You know I am!"

Then, the two warriors ran out of the tent. Both Nightmare and Tira had red paint on their faces, or armor in Nightmare's case. Tira had her Eiserne Drossel in hand; Nightmare had Soul Edge in hand. Nightmare held Soul Edge high in the air and Tira got into her Jolly fighting stance. The two did their war cry. The badgers stopped dancing and looked at the two "warriors" with a puzzled look.

"What heck?" One badger said.

"Attack!" Nightmare yelled.

The two did their battle cry one more time and charged past the badgers. The badgers were no even more confused. Nightmare and Tira went to the bushes and searched fiercely.

"Nightmare?" Tira asked.

"What is it Tira?"

"What the hell are we looking for?"

"I don't know!"

Tira ran to the next bush and stubbed her toe on something. She bit her lip and fell onto her butt.

"What the hell?!"

Nightmare ran over to her and helped her up.

"What happened?"

"There's something hard in this bush."

Nightmare chopped off half the bush with Soul Edge and saw something. It was a large stereo system that was playing the Thriller music.

"They spot the music maker! Get 'em!"

The badgers charged at Nightmare and Tira.

"I get it!" Tira said and began smashing the stereo system with the ring blade.

Nightmare joined in and began smashing the stereo system too. The badgers stopped in their tracks and plugged their ears.

"No! Music maker bye-bye! We must flee! FLEE!!!!"

The badgers were screaming and crawled over to the lake. The badgers went to the lake and submerged themselves. The water let off a faint yellow-greenish glow and fish floated up to the water's surface.

When the stereo system was demolished, there was only one more badger left and it was the head badger.

"We come back and bring more. Like those damn gnomes..." The head badger growled before going to the lake and submereging himself.

Tira dropped her weapon and flung herself onto Nightmare.

"That was fun, Nighty!" She said before she gave a kiss on the cheek.

"I know. We should scare off badgers and wear war paint more often!"

The two went into their tent and shut the opening. Leaving Kilik and Xianghua still tied to the tree.

"Um...hello?" Xianghua asked. "Is anyone out here? Can you untie us?"

"I think they're having another make out session," Kilik said with dismay in his voice.

The two were quiet. Xianghua turned her head to Kilik. "Why don't we ever have make out sessions anymore?"

Kilik sighed and remained quiet for the rest of the night.