Chapter 12: Poco a poco
"Can I look now?"
"Not yet… be patient… just a few more steps."
"Senpai… you're being unusually mysterious."
"Am I?"
"Yes, you are. Should I be worried?"
"Only if the prospect of leaving your parents' home worries you."
Chiaki had come to the house in the morning bursting with boyish enthusiasm. He told her that he had a surprise waiting somewhere but she wasn't to look until they got to a certain place. The result was that Nodame allowed herself to be blind-folded, led into a vehicle, most likely a car and brought to goodness-knows where. Chiaki had been extremely secretive, saying very little and when he did speak, he sounded vaguely nervous. This aroused Nodame's curiosity no end. Where was he taking her to and what could he possibly be nervous about? Still, he was being surprisingly spontaneous and Nodame believed earnestly that this new aspect to Chiaki should be encouraged so she gave herself over to the undertaking whatever the outcome. She hadn't felt this excited for quite some time and marveled at the changes that she was witnessing in Chiaki. It was so good to have him back by her side, it gave her something to hope for. Nonetheless, there was also much to regret about… and nothing saddened her more than to know that they spent the last five years growing without one another.
He had been back in Okawa for 10 days mostly spending the evenings with the Nodas. During the day, however, he disappeared for several hours, citing personal business as the reason for his absence. Like clockwork, he was out at 8:30 each day and returned at 6. On his return, he would sit down to dinner with the family and kept a close eye on Nodame and made doubly sure that she was eating properly. Indeed, according to her parents, her appetite had improved considerably since his second visit.
"Alright, you can take the blindfold off now."
With the blindfold promptly removed, Nodame opened her eyes and surveyed her surroundings. The room they were standing in was simply furnished and exuded a wonderful serenity. A sofa bed and a couple of bookcases lined the walls but the centerpiece of the room as far as Nodame was concerned was the Bosendorfer 200. She immediately strolled up to it and admired its body work and rich, dark tone.
"I found someone in Tokyo who wanted to sell it. I thought it is rather more suited to your playing style…" Chiaki dug his hands into his pockets to hide his quivering hands. "I… er… waited for it to arrive before bringing you here. It was hell to transport though."
"I can imagine. It's gorgeous…but…" There was more she wanted to say but he cut her off unceremoniously.
"I'm glad you think so. You may wish to choose the rest of the furniture later when we move in." Chiaki said offhandedly. "But no clutter. You know how much I hate clutter."
Clutter? Choosing furniture? What's senpai going on about? Nodame felt as if she peering through a haze but allowed herself to be led around like a rag doll. Needless to say, her head was filled with a whole host of questions. What was this place? And why was senpai talking like they were going to live in it?
In the background, Chiaki was rattling off information like a real estate agent, discussing the room's aspect and the direction of breezes flowing in and out of the house. He proceeded to point out the kitchen and the bathroom, going through in some detail the technical specifications of the rooms, all of which were lost on Nodame. Evidently he was giving Nodame the grand tour of the house with the expectation that both of them would be living in it. Chiaki, however, was acting very strangely… agitated almost. Little by little, it became apparent that his nerves were wearing thin.
"This is going to be our room. I'm sorry I couldn't get the blinds in sooner but they had to be custom made. The bed will go in the middle here most probably unless you think it is better against the wall but I think the middle's best don't you? At least we won't disturb each other if one of us has to get up in the middle of the night."
Nodame nodded like an obedient school girl but she still had no idea what was going on. Apparently, this was her future home… something that she had no knowledge of until this point in time. And senpai, it would seem, couldn't get the words out fast enough.
"There are three other rooms in this house. One will be the study and the others will be for the children." The last part of the sentence was suspiciously muffled.
Unfortunately for him, it did not escape Nodame's well-trained ears. "Children?" She looked puzzled. "What children?"
"Ours… what other children could I be talking about." Chiaki was doing his best to pretend that they were having a perfectly normal conversation.
"But we don't have any children." Nodame's face was a picture of confusion.
"Not yet…" was all Chiaki could mumble.
"Senpai… erm… what's going on? What is this place?"
"It's my… er… our home."
"It is? Since when?"
"Since last Saturday. Don't you like it?" He noticed the scrounged up look on her face.
"I love it but…" Chiaki looked relieved. "But senpai, are you asking me to move in with you?"
"In a manner of speaking, yes."
"When?"
"Whenever you wish." Chiaki swallowed hard before adding, "Or after the wedding." Apparently Chiaki was having difficulty articulating key words on this occasion.
"What wedding?" Nodame, on the other hand, had little trouble picking up on them.
"Er… our wedding?" From the way he said it, it was phrased more like a question.
"Senpai…" As the truth dawned on her and the facts all added up, she turned to him astounded. "Did you just ask me to marry you?"
Nodame knew that this was as close to a marriage proposal as she was going to get. But something troubled her. Although she had envisaged this moment for as long as she could remember, she was now plagued with doubts and a nagging feeling that Chiaki was doing all this from an overdeveloped sense of guilt and obligation.
Chiaki said nothing but he was looking at her intently, anxious to know her feelings. She averted her eyes and then turned to face another direction.
"What's wrong, Nodame?" His heart ached for fear that she would turn him down. "Does that idea repulse you?"
"Not at all." She spoke below a whisper. "I… It's such a lovely house… rather large for two people…"
"What are you trying to say?" Chiaki asked with a note of impatience.
"Senpai, why do you want to marry me?"
"What do you mean by 'why'? Why do people get married?"
"I'm not asking about other people, I'm asking you." She spoke quietly but firmly, and turned to meet his eyes head on, as if hoping to find answers there.
"I… we… you've waited a long time and I thought that this is as good a time as any." He was groping around for the appropriate words.
"Is that all?" She looked away and Chiaki could feel her drifting away. I'm losing her again.
"Nodame, what do you want me to say? Were you expecting something more dramatic?"
"No, senpai… no. That's not it." The tears were already trickling down her face.
Chiaki was flummoxed but he moved to face her. Now that he could see them, his hands reached for the tears, his fingers brushing lightly against them.
"I've upset you. Five years later, and I still don't know how to make you happy." He said with more than a tinge of frustration.
"I'm happy that you're here." She reassured him.
"Then what's wrong? I thought you'd be happy. I thought that this is what you wanted."
"I've changed, Shinichi. I'm not the child I once was."
"Really? Who tried to kill me the other day?" He said in an attempt at some levity. But seeing her face, he sobered. "I know you're not. You've been through so much. But have you changed your mind about us?" He added tentatively.
"Yes…" His heart sank. Too little too late. "And no..." He looked at her curiously.
"You're speaking in riddles, Nodame."
"What about the New York Phil, your life in America and… Miss Rothwell?"
This had been the part he feared the most, that she would bring all this up. He didn't want her to know about the price he'd had to pay to be there, by her side. To see it through to whatever end. It had been a price he had been more than willing to pay. It was his penance but he had taken it upon himself wholeheartedly.
"There is no America, no New York Phil and no Miss Rothwell."
"Why?" She demanded.
"Do you still need to ask?" He put his arms around her and drew her in.
"But the New York Phil! It was your dream."
"It was our dream, remember? You and I performing a concerto together… the golden pair. One of the many fun things we were going to do together."
"You remembered?" She looked amazed.
"What do you take me for? Of course I remembered. I'm not a complete villain as all that."
"But it's the New York Phil… no one turns down the New York Phil."
"I did." Chiaki said quietly.
"Why?"
To his credit, Chiaki was beginning to understand what she was driving at. Somehow, it was important for her to know. "For you… for us…"
"But that's crazy."
"Is it? Well, that's what happens when one comes under the influence of mad individuals for too long." You, my mother, Streseman, Viera, Mine…
"I can't let you do this."
"It's done and there's no going back." He said calmly.
"No regrets?"
"None that I can't live with. Besides, it's just as likely that I'd turn completely insane over in New York wondering how you are anyway. This is the preferable alternative." He said sounding a touch flippant.
"Don't joke, senpai." She nudged him in the ribs. "Are you sure?" She scrutinized his face.
"Surer than I have ever been about anything."
"You've changed…"
"I can't let you have all the fun. One can't stay stagnant either. Also I've had 10 years to think about this. Not everyone gets this kind of chance."
"Even after all this time, you still want to be with me?"
"Especially after all this time. Sometimes I wonder how I managed the last five years without you." There was an unmistakable grimness in his voice.
"I doubt that." Nodame wished she could be more certain… that he was doing this for the best reasons.
He could see the doubt in her eyes."So what else can an out of work conductor do to convince a retired pianist that she should marry him?"
"Shinichi, I may not survive long enough…"
"Which is why we should do this sooner rather than later. I've kept you waiting long enough haven't I?"
"You don't know what you're asking… Watching someone you love die… slowly… watching their life slowly slipping away… is the worst possible thing anyone can face. I wouldn't even wish it on my enemies, much less you."
"So is this what it's really about?" The emotion in his voice thickened. "You don't think I can handle it."
"I just don't want you to stay because you feel like you have to… it won't be enough when things start to fall apart."
"Do you really believe that I'm doing this out of some mistaken sense of obligation?" He was indignant now.
"Are you?"
"How can you even think that?"
"I don't know what to think… you thought I was cheating on you… remember? You never allowed me inside your mind and your heart. I was just some stray that overstayed her welcome and you just got used to having me around.
"I still don't know how you feel about me even now. You could be doing all this just because you feel guilty about the past. Don't be senpai. My feelings for you have never changed but I need to know what yours are."
Her words hit a nerve and yet he knew that he had only himself to blame for how things turned out. She was right. Even in all the years they were in Europe, he never told her how he felt. He compartmentalized her and placed her in a pigeonhole labeled "hobby" that he attended to in his spare time. Not once did he tell her or showed her how important she was in his life. Francois was never the issue… he was.
Chiaki turned away and strode to the nearest window. Looking out, he stood there for what seemed to both of them, to be a very long time. The tranquil surroundings served as a salve to his bruised pride as well as a soundingboard to the voices of his own heart.
"No, not guilt, Nodame." He whispered. "Not that. I've been so selfish. I've presumed to know what you want but I don't really, do I? Maybe it seems like I'm pretending that the last five years never existed."
"Shinichi…"
He was speaking in a monotone. "I don't know if I really believed that time that you were capable of being unfaithful to me. I was probably more angry by the fact that you weren't waiting for me to come home to. Maybe I was really jealous because I realized that you didn't need me and I needed you to need me."
She went over to him and slipped her arms around him from behind.
"What do you want, Nodame?" His voice could only be heard by her.
"I just want you to love me. It's all I've ever wanted."
He was leaning against the wall and she was lying on his lap contentedly. There had been words, kisses, tears… and then more kisses and more tears. Fatigued, they had taken refuge on the bare, parquet floor, utterly worn down by passion and happiness with a newfound intimacy between them.
She got up from her reclining position and sidled up to him, resting her head on his shoulders.
"Shinichi…"
"Don't speak now…" He put a finger over her lips. "Before you give me your answer, there is something I want you to have… Something I wanted to give you five years ago. Something I should have given you seven years ago. But I was foolish and frightened then. It contains all my hopes and wishes. I was hoping to give it to you as a wedding present but I think perhaps that might be too late.
There's a shop nearby that sells ramen. I'll go get us some while you have some time to yourself.
If this gift doesn't convince you of my sincerity than all my words will be meaningless."
He reached into his trouser pocket and pulled out a velvet box that had been long in his keeping. Placing it gently on the palm of her left hand, he placed her right hand over it. Now that his most prized possession was finally safe in her hands, a weight fell off his shoulders.
Before leaving, he leaned over and their lips met briefly. He rose to leave and gave her smile before disappearing down the genkan and out of sight.
Full of anticipation, Nodame opened the velvet box and immediately the tears welled up. As they rolled down her already damp cheeks, she broke into a sob. The sob turned into a series of uncontrollable sobs. For the next ten minutes, she sat there weeping… for the last five years and for an unknown future.
"My Three Blind Cats… you've come back to me at last."
