Paula POV

It was really strange to wake up this morning and realize that nothing had changed. Everything was exactly in the same way I left it the day before. The world didn´t end, the sun was still shining on my window, the walls were still standing, the cheats were clean and with the same colour, the portraits were still keeping the family pictures, with sparkling smiles on them. Oh…and Arthur was making breakfast, just like if it was an ordinary morning, which, except for me, really appeared to be.

Glen is sleeping with his girlfriend in his bedroom, but oh well, how cound´t he be, with all the wine and champagne he drink last night…Chelsea is helping Arthur and Clay, oh, he just gave me a morning kiss.

Still…I can´t understand this. Everyone is happy, and in a good mood, and fine and… Normal! How can that be? Didn´t they realize that there´s something missing? Like…SPENCER!

All I can think about is her, my little baby, my one and only daughter, and how I would like to have her here, so we can all be together as family. But she won´t be here anymore…well, at least, not alone, not in the same way.

Sometimes I wonder: Was I a good mother? Am I a good mother? Sometimes I just don´t know. I mean, all my life I always wanted the best for my children, they´re the most important thing in my life, but still…I can´t stop to think that I might had failed, in some way.

I look at Spencer…how can life turn out to be so completely y different of what I planned for her, or what we actually planned and dreamed together? She used to be so different, so much more like…my baby! She´s so grown up now, and she grow up to became something I never expected her to be.

Yesterday, when I saw her, at first, I simply didn´t know how to feel or what to do. She was so sparkling in that wedding dress that, even though it wasn´t the conventional type, it looked so good on her, and I really could see happiness, all over her face, and for a few seconds I felt so happy for her too. I mean, I could see her eyes glowing, and I swear I never saw her smile as big as the one she showed every time she approached Ashley that day. But that was exactly the "problem", the fact that it was because of…Ashley!

Eight years ago, I never thought this would end up this way. I always thought that Spencer would move on, that this was just a silly phase, and once she starts college, Ashley would be gone, if not sooner. But then, the college arrived, and so did the gifts, and the calls, and the dinners, and the weekends, and the happiness, and the drama, and even…the lingerie! And guess what? All from or for Ashley!

But … even then, I thought it might pass, I always thought it might pass, after all, with so many people in the world, why would that happen to ME, to my daughter…well, I never thought it was real until yesterday, I never thought it was real until I saw Spencer giving her hand to Ashley that placed the ring on her finger, or when they hugged after, and when they…oh my god, when they…kissed! That was just…to strong for me. Yes, I might have saw them kissing before, but…people use to tell me I only saw what I wanted, and that was probably true. I was blind! But at that moment, healed from my loss of sight, I was just preparing to leave, I just couldn´t stand it anymore, I couldn´t see that anymore. And that was when Spencer hold my arm, and gave me one of the most tightest hugs ever, and when she pulled herself away, I could see a tear rolling from her eyes when she said "Thank you for being here, it means the world to me." After that, we kept silence for a moment, because I simply didn´t know how to react. I was holding my heart on my hands, and I felt that I was probably holding hers too. She hugged me once again, maybe expecting me to say or do something, but I didn´t…I couldn´t, I was static, and that was when she said it: "I love you, mom!". And that was the moment that I truly realized how important this girl was for her, and that I couldn´t do anything else but accept her, as family, because that was the only way of keeping my daughter, not only with me, but most of all, happy. So after that, after somehow this huge weight move out of my shoulders, I was finally capable of hugging her back, and like magic, words came out from my mouth naturally. "I love you too honey, so much…you´re the most important thing in my life! I can only wish you well sweetie, you´re my little baby, you will always be! And if this is the only road you have to reach happiness, then follow it, because I will always be there for you…and for Ashley."

--

So…what do u think?! I just felt I needed to write this. After eight years, something needs to change, even in someone like Paula.

Kiss

Joana