Chapter 12


He woke to the crack of gunfire.

The gunshots the next morning sounded louder than usual and drilled into his head as a reminder of the future he was facing. He'd grown accustomed to the sound despite being woken by it but, laying in the pre-dawn light with Sebastian's arms around his waist, he realised he'd never given much thought to whom it was that pulled the trigger or what happened to them. Perhaps he'd assumed they were members of the Government or the police, maybe trained specialists who were desensitised to the horrors of taking traitor's lives. To recognise that that they were ordinary people, like him, like Sebastian's father, signing up for a job…

The slap to his face a month ago was nothing compared to the subsequent upturn of his life. Part of him wanted to go to school, to act like everything was normal and soak in the comfort of Rachel and Nick's company because he didn't know how long it would last. On the other hand, he knew he wasn't able to concentrate and was terrified of setting foot outside the house in case people already knew he'd been Shortlisted. He tried to rationalise the fear but it was pointless, so consuming that he was left a trembling shell.

Watching Adriana straighten Sebastian's tie and smooth the lapels of his blazer made his heart ache. He knew Sebastian still had to go to school but he didn't want to let him go.

"I'll come straight home," Sebastian promised, kissing Blaine's forehead and stroking his fingers through the wayward curls against his ears. "I love you."

Blaine tried to offer a weak smile but he had a feeling it looked more like a grimace, the emotional house of cards on the verge of crumbling into nothing. He knew the need he felt for Sebastian was a problem, that relying on someone else was dangerous, but with no interest in school and the loss of his parents, he didn't feel stable. He felt like he'd send himself crazy imagining Sebastian's father in this situation and it sickened him with the realisation that he'd already slipped into being a shell of a person, retreating towards the black hole of despair because he didn't have enough to hold onto.

He missed the look exchanged between Sebastian and Adriana, only hearing the door shut when Sebastian left. His eyes were drifting in and out of focus as he stared at his hands, the exhaustion from not sleeping the last couple of nights leaving a bone-deep weariness that threatened to topple him from the chair. Despite Sebastian's arms around him, he hadn't trusted himself to sleep without a scream staining his lips and waking everyone in the street. When his days were a nightmare, what would that make his nights?

"Come with me," Adriana said, rubbing a hand against his shoulder and guiding him to his feet. She led him to Sebastian's room, folding down the rumpled bedding. "You need some rest, Blaine."

He swallowed but his throat was dry. He hadn't been able to eat anything in days either. His stomach couldn't keep it down. "I don't… I'll… The nightmares…"

Adriana gave him a sympathetic smile, encouraging him to lie down on the side of the bed that Blaine had labelled as Sebastian's after their first night sharing it. Sebastian's musky scent was stronger on this side and he found himself drawn to cuddling the pillow bathed in the other boy's smell. Adriana sat on the other side of the bed, her back propped against the headboard, her fingers stroking through his hair like Sebastian's so often did.

"I won't let anyone or anything hurt you, Blaine," she murmured and even if he'd wanted to resist the siren song of sleep, he was powerless to her maternal touches.


When he stirred awake, the shadows had shifted around the bedroom and the light beyond the curtain was significantly less. He realised he was no longer clutching the pillow. Instead, his arms were wrapped around -

He flung himself backwards and only avoided falling off the bed by a hand on his shoulder. With a start, he met a pair of concerned but amused green eyes.

"Worried you were hugging my mother's leg?" Sebastian said with the smallest of smiles.

He scrunched his nose and lowered himself again, shifting until he found the most comfortable position to snuggle into Sebastian's thigh. "Maybe," he admitted, making Sebastian chuckle as fingers brushed against his hair.

"Would have been awkward if you'd been humping it," a light voice behind him commented and he nearly fell off the bed again.

"Where the hell did you come from?" he demanded, looking between Sebastian and Rachel, who had folded herself into a plush seat he recognised from downstairs with a book in her lap.

"School, I think. Did we come from school, Sebastian?"

"Hilarious," he muttered but Sebastian calmed his brewing frustration with his fingers smoothing a line behind Blaine's ear down to his neck. He'd have to figure out if the Smythe hands were infused with a special sort of sorcery.

"It's almost four," Sebastian said, his nails scratching at Blaine's scalp until his eyes fluttered closed. "You've been out all day."

He stretched his legs like a cat, wincing when an ankle popped, and then curled a knee around Sebastian's calf. "I don't feel like I've slept all day."

Sebastian expression betrayed his worry, a look Blaine suspected he would have to get used to seeing. Nothing was going to get better until it was…over, one way or another.

"Blaine?" He tilted his head towards Rachel, half-twisting his back in the process and making his spine pop. She was gnawing at her lower lip while she watched him, her hair swept back into a braid against one shoulder. "Sebastian…told me."

He shut his eyes for a moment, uncertain if he was afraid to see Rachel's reaction or hurt that Sebastian had taken the choice to tell her away from him.

"When I turned up without you, they wanted to know if I'd heard from you," Sebastian explained, smoothing a thumb against the ridge behind Blaine's ear until he opened his eyes. "They thought something might have happened at your place, Blaine. I couldn't… I couldn't lie to them and say I had no idea if you were okay."

He sighed, understanding the predicament, and returned his attention to Rachel. He wasn't sure what he expected to see and he thought her face seemed indecisive in how to react.

"I'm…really sorry," Rachel said with an awkward shrug, not quite making eye contact and causing Blaine's stomach to start churning. "About your parents and stuff. You know if you get sick of Sebastian and his mom, you can stay with me."

He could tell she wasn't 100% okay with it but she was here and making jokes and it was the best possible reaction under the circumstances. Some of his tension faded and he shot her a grateful smile, earning him a tentative one in response.

"Why isn't Nick here?" he ventured.

He noticed the instant Rachel's mouth twisted and her eyes flickered away from him to Sebastian's. He knew something wasn't right and pulled away from his spot against Sebastian's thigh.

"Blaine…" Sebastian said, his face filled with the same pacifying look he'd given Blaine's parents the night before.

"Don't 'Blaine' me," he snapped at Sebastian, feeling like he was being patronised. He wondered if that's how Todd had felt and that's why he'd exploded. "Where's Nick?"

Sebastian grimaced but it was Rachel who found the words. "He needs some time to…adjust. He knows you weren't responsible for the death of his sister but it's…difficult for him."

He dodged Sebastian's arms to climb off the bed, trying to disguise his shaking hands by wrapping them around his waist. "And it's easy for me? It's easy for me to just…think about taking people's lives? Fathers and daughters and brothers and aunts? That's not difficult?"

"That's not what-"

He shook his head and turned, regret and shame and disgust turning him into an emotional mess again. Were there any reasons, any excuses, any medical exemptions, he could supply which would avoid him getting Selected? He was willing to make anything up if it meant this chapter of his life was over.

His feelings and his thoughts made him panicky and itchy and the walls seemed to be too small, shrinking in on him and making him claustrophobic. Rachel and Sebastian kept looking at him with such mournful expressions, like it was a foregone conclusion that he'd be Selected, and he couldn't stay there, he couldn't see them, he couldn't-

He gave one more mild shake of his head before turning tail and running, thumping down the stairs two at a time and throwing open the front door. He was sprinting down the path and the street without looking where he was going, tripping over gaps in the sidewalk and tree roots as tears blinded him.

"Blaine!" Footsteps thundered after him. "Blaine, for God's sake-"

He swung at the hand that touched his upper arm, almost smacking Rachel in the face. The only reason she avoided it was her short height and quick reaction, ducking out of the way faster than Sebastian would have done.

Rachel stared at him with her big brown eyes, her lips set in a thin line of concern. "Stop and breathe and listen," she said, reaching for him like he was a spooked animal that needed to be corralled, "because we care about you, Blaine. Seb and me and Nick and Seb's mom. We care so just listen to me."

His eyes drifted above her shoulder to Sebastian standing a few feet away, arms folded across his chest, green eyes shedding silent tears and lower lip gnawed raw between his teeth. The redness of the flesh indicated it was a frequent habit.

"I can't even imagine how terrifying this is for you," Rachel said, winding her fingers around his elbows and drawing his attention back to her unwavering eyes. "Sometimes, when we'll try to explain someone's reaction or how someone feels or offer comfort to you, we'll probably screw up." One side of her mouth raised in a sympathetic smile when she noticed the tears beginning to build in Blaine's eyes. "It doesn't mean we don't care. It doesn't mean that we hate you. Just like you're trying to get used to being Shortlisted, we're trying to get used to how best to help and support you."

The defensiveness he'd felt crumpled and his arms wound around her, clinging to her shirt and hiding his face into her shoulder. She made soft hushing noises as she rubbed her hand against his back. Sebastian's body pressed into him from behind, his chin hooking over Blaine's shoulder and his fingers settling between the gaps in Blaine's hands. He was squished into some sort of cuddle sandwich, all of them barefoot and standing by the side of the road.

There was a sob stuck in his throat, silent tears coursing down his cheeks instead. He didn't know if the sob would always have gotten stuck or if it was the result of his position between the two people he needed now more than anything.


In the fortnight between receiving his letter and the interviews known as the Shortlist Selection Process, Blaine attempted to return to school and maintain a normal life. It was close to impossible to focus on the teacher's lectures or care about the work he was meant to be completing. What did it matter if he knew complex trigonometry or developed an appreciation for poetry that suggested Before was an undesirable time and lauded the achievements of After? He couldn't grasp the idea that there was a time with greater inequality and violence and uncertainty than now. His attempt at calculating angles of polygons made his thoughts wander towards calculating the angle of a bullet slicing through someone's flesh, factoring in an unknown velocity and trajectory, with the sole intent of killing the person and that role could fall on his shoulders and-

He was lucky he had Sebastian nearby because the boy was his saving grace, helping him calm down with regular hugs and kisses to his forehead, soothing the panic before it unravelled too much within him. If he didn't have Sebastian, he had Rachel. He knew his teachers were bewildered by the changes in his behaviour and his classmates looked at him like he was a freak but he couldn't control it.

Sometimes he fretted that he was relying on Sebastian and Rachel too much, letting them take away the anxiety instead of learning how to cope with it festering beneath his skin. He fretted that Sebastian and Rachel were getting annoyed by his erratic feelings and jumpiness. He fretted that Sebastian was annoyed his parents had abandoned him, because it meant the other boy was woken by the nightmares Blaine had which left a scream coating his lips. His vivid imagination and uncontainable fear were turning him into a wreck before the process had even started.

It was easy to fret when he couldn't tell how Sebastian felt. The other boy had become so quiet he was almost distant with a look in his eyes that suggested he was often far, far away. Blaine knew there was nothing he could do, nothing he could say, which would offer any sort of comfort and take it away. He couldn't imagine how Sebastian felt, seeing his beloved father forced into a role no one would want and changing in front of him before his life was…ended and he had to move towns, only to see history repeat itself with Blaine's Shortlisting.

There was a part of him that felt…surprised, perhaps, that Sebastian hadn't run from him as fast as possible to spare himself the heartache of going through this again. Blaine didn't want to think it, didn't want to voice it, but in the darkness of the night, the little spoon to Sebastian's warm body, he wondered what would happen if he were Selected. His days would be numbered in some capacity. Even if he didn't have an exact figure, there would be a countdown. He would be taking people's lives. How was he meant to cope with that? How was he meant to ask Sebastian to cope with that?

As the interview date approached, Blaine became less interested in food and found it impossible to sleep. Sebastian came home early, complaining of stomach pains or exhaustion, and Blaine watched as the teasing smiles and twinkling eyes became a thing of the past. There was an acute sense of nausea permanently embedded into the lining of his stomach and his tear ducts were always primed for bouts of spontaneous crying when he remembered what he was facing. Was it only a month ago that spending every night in Sebastian's bed would have involved kissing and touching every patch of skin, numerous orgasms that rendered him breathless and his skin covered in sweat? In contrast, his libido been crushed and he sought comfort more than pleasure from the touches they traded beneath the covers in the darkness of the night.

When the Shortlist Selection day arrived, his palms were so sweaty that they may as well have been soaked in water. His fingers shook so violently that he wouldn't be able to hold a pen. His heartbeat was so rapid and unsteady he felt dizzy. His stomach churned so terribly that he was ready to throw up the acid lining at any moment.

Sebastian kissed his temple and nuzzled his curls. Unshed tears left the green eyes shiny and his cheeks were ashen as Blaine removed his hand and walked towards the Office of the Sheriff.

He wasn't ready for this.

He would never be ready for this.

He knew he had no choice but to face the Shortlist Selection Process alone.


The Office of the Sheriff was a building only the cruel and heartless individuals who wished to Report someone wanted to enter. Only people who wanted to Report others and subject them to an irreversible fate wanted to come to this Office. Blaine had never wanted to come near it and found it as uninviting as he'd expected. It was cold and blank and sterile, with pale grey walls and a grey floor that lacked scuff marks. White folding chairs along one wall looked brand new but Blaine couldn't imagine they were used often. The Office lacked character and its blandness made it harder to keep putting one foot in front of the other when his instincts told him to turn and run.

A woman sat behind the Plexiglass, dressed in a pale blue uniform with dark blue 'OS' patches on each shoulder.. Wispy blonde hair sprang free of the tight bun knotted at the base of her neck. Looking at her, he wondered why she wasn't in the regular colourless work clothes She had a bored look on her face as she sifted through papers and scratched things with a pen, up until Blaine got close enough and her pale blue eyes, almost grey like the interior of the building, raised to meet his. His shoes felt leaden, making it difficult to move under the weight of her stare.

"Can I help you?" she said, her stare fierce and making Blaine's tongue stick the roof of his mouth. A lump of terror had lodged in his throat. Being here, being acknowledged… Everything was about to become real and he couldn't stop it.

"I-" He tried to clear his throat and rubbed his damp palms against his jeans. "I was…Shortlisted and I-"

The woman's bored look transformed into one of interest, her eyes flickering to life and her lips turning into a smile that added to Blaine's unease. "Shortlist Selection candidate," she nodded, lowering her pen to the papers and casting them aside. Her eyes drifted over him, cool and assessing and leaving him feeling uncomfortable and exposed. "Take a seat."

Blaine would much prefer to have heard there'd been a mistake, a tragic mix-up in paperwork that would be resolved with a smile and a shredding of the letter that had changed his life. Being told to take a seat indicated there wasn't a mistake, that he was expected and he was going to be interviewed. He'd tried asking Sebastian and Adriana what to expect from the Selection process but they shrugged helplessly. Marcus had always refused to talk about it.

The woman rose from her seat and walked away, departing through a grey door that offered no hints at the world beyond it. He thought of Sebastian, perhaps still lingering outside, and struggled to stay in the Office. Running away could put him and everyone else in danger but it sounded like such a good idea right now.

One thought struck him as he examined the empty waiting area – where were the other Shortlist candidates?

Minutes ticked by, measured by his erratic heartbeat that sent blood rushing behind his ears. His stomach turned over and over even though he hadn't been able to eat anything in days and hadn't stood a chance at eating this morning. He'd spent most of the night entertaining the thought of avoiding this entire crisis by hurling himself into a river or hanging from a tree. Anything was better than-

A door to his right squeaked and a man in a black suit with a blue tie and dark blue 'OS' patches on his shoulders stood near a wall to Blaine's right. His face was impassive like Todd's, his dark brown eyes scrutinising in their inspection of Blaine. His thin silver hair was similar to the walls. His eyes were so flat they looked like dead, damp wood. Blaine wondered if workers at the Office of the Sheriff were exempt from the colourless work clothes. Perhaps as a Government body, they had different rules.

"Blaine Anderson?" the man prompted, his voice smooth and calm. It sent a small shiver down Blaine's spine. He nodded even though his heart, lungs and stomach threatened to be vomited from his chest. "Follow me."

His feet shuffled forward despite his unwillingness, inching past the door and following the man into a narrow corridor that seemed colder than the main Office. Dim lights cast dark shadows along the walls, making Blaine feel as though he were walking towards a tomb. Out of nowhere, the man opened a door to the left and sharp light flooded the corridor. It blinded Blaine and he was powerless to the hand on his shoulder that propelled him forwards.

It took him some time for his eyes to adjust to the room that was dazzling in the intense whiteness. It was painful and harsh and Blaine turned to ask the man a question only to discover a solid wall behind him. He panicked, rushing at the wall and slapping his hands against the surface. It was smooth and cool, like the glass in a shower before condensation formed.

"Where'd you go?" he said, looking around as if the man would appear. His eyes were already starting to hurt against the glare. "What is this place? Where am I?"

He'd hoped for an answer but hadn't expected one. He wasn't surprised when none came. He squeezed his eyes shut, his fingers snagging on the ring around his neck and inhaled as deeply as he could to calm down. He could get through this, just like Marcus had, and he would return to Sebastian and kiss him until he fell asleep.

His thoughts more ordered, he began searching for a way out or an answer to what this place was. Everything looked the same so he traced the space with a hand against the wall. It was precisely eight steps by eight steps and he guessed it was eight steps high to make it a perfect cube. There was no discernible mark on the walls to suggest a hidden switch that would see him able to get out. There was no indication a door existed. There was no switch to dim the glaring light that was starting to give him a headache.

He faced the wall that had held the door the man had pushed him through. He didn't want to get disorientated in case a door appeared again. It was confusing when each wall was the same as were the floor and ceiling. The white box was just blinding light and nothing else. There were no comforts like a bed or chair, no blanket or pillow to wrap himself in for safety.

Confused, wondering if he was already failing the Selection process by not finding a way out, he slumped to his knees and covered his face with his hands in a vain attempt to shield his eyes and spare his brain from the building migraine.

He wasn't sure how he was meant to cope.

It didn't occur to him that was the point.


~TBC~