A/N: Many thanks go out to my fantabulous reviewers: eolhcsullivan452, Destatikai, Feeny, Aspexit, and Reaper's Shadow. :D
Chapter Twelve
On Penelo's birthday, she just ended up having a lot of the orphan kids and Tomaj over. Filo made her a cake (lopsided, but certainly better than anything Vaan would have come up with). Overall, it was certainly better than her seventeenth birthday. Vaan even gave her a present: a new journal and a box of candy, made by one of the vendors in the bazaar. On the list of things he had gotten her for her birthday over the years (everything from a moogle doll missing an arm when she was twelve to a bunch of half-wilted flowers when she was fifteen), it was actually very thoughtful of him.
Ashe had already said her gift would probably not arrive until a day or two before the fete. It made Penelo nervous. She was very hesitant about wearing a dress of any kind. She had been wearing the same type of clothing all month--clothing with a lot of zippers, buckles, and clasps. Clothing that would be nearly impossible for anyone but her to take off of her.
Which brought her right back around to dancing. She had been able to really look at her reservations for dancing lately, just a little bit, and she had been able to admit one thing for certain: the dancing clothes scared her. They scared her because they had been so easy for one man to tear straight through, and maybe, just maybe if she had been wearing something different, it would have stalled him. Slowed him down. Long enough for…for something.
Maybe it didn't make much sense, but Penelo knew that wearing a dress was going to be just as difficult. She only hoped that Ashe wouldn't have something made that was revealing…maybe she should have said something…
She didn't want to wear something that made her feel vulnerable. Like a dress. Or dancing clothes. Both made her feel very feminine, very afraid. She was afraid to feel feminine.
And she was going to have to force herself to get over it in the next three days, because she was determined to go to the fete, and it would hardly be appropriate for her to go looking like she did now. Besides, it would make her stick out like a sore thumb and she needed to blend in as much as possible.
The day after her birthday, she took a break, supposedly for lunch, when Vaan was running an errand. She felt too sick to eat, though--sick because she knew what she needed to do and it was going to be terribly, horribly hard.
She went up to the apartment, going into her room and taking a deep breath before opening the drawer where she had shoved all of her dancing outfits. She took them out, spreading them out on her bed and running shaking fingers over the smooth silkiness. She didn't want to look at them, didn't want to touch them, and certainly didn't want to put them on.
Which is why she had to do it. This was the biggest inhibition in her way right now. If she could put these on…if she could do that, and if she could dance, even a few steps…
It shouldn't be this hard.
She didn't know how long she sat there, making herself look at the clothes, before she slowly undid her buckles, clasps, and zippers and peeled herself out of her (safe) clothes. She pulled on her dancer's pants, and then the top, lacing it up behind her back. Her hands were trembling as she finished tightening it, and she clenched her hands into fists at her sides. Bracing herself, she stepped in front of the mirror.
She stared at herself for several heartbeats. She looked the same as she always had in these clothes, but she felt so naked. Crossing her arms over her stomach, she took a deep breath and turned away from the mirror. Her bedroom was really too small for any dancing, so she stepped out into the living room where she had a clear space. She could do this. She needed to do this.
Letting out her breath, she closed her eyes and took one step, and then another. Her eyes opened as she fell into the familiar pattern and rhythm of a dance she had learned as a little girl.
She could not have explained in words how it made her feel, but it was one of the hardest things she had ever done. Dancing had always made her feel free and beautiful and graceful, things that she didn't always feel about herself. Now, though, it made her feel wrong. She was so conscientious of the way her body was moving, the sway of her hips, and it just made her think of how much her body had felt like an object, like something she had no control over, when she was so brutally violated.
She forced herself to keep moving, following the pattern of the dance, while her body tried to tense on her and her mind screamed at her to stop. It took every ounce of will to continue, and then she turned in a spin and saw Vaan standing by the front door. She faltered and went cold, wondering how long he had been standing there watching her; she hadn't heard him unlock the door and come in. She met his eyes before folding her arms across her stomach and turning away, ashamed and not knowing why.
Penelo's eyes went back to him, and she braced herself, knowing she couldn't turn back. She had to keep going, had to get through this hang-up. She held out her hand toward him, her voice coming out in a whisper. "Dance with me?"
Vaan raised his eyebrows. "Me?"
"No, Vaan, the door," she retorted. It was taking all her effort to keep her hand extended.
He frowned at her, but stepped forward. She knew he could dance, because she had made him dance with her so much when they were little. Most people thought he would be clumsy or left-footed, but she knew better. He usually moaned and protested the whole time, but his steps were always sure.
He slowly took her hand, and she held her breath when he moved closer, his body brushing against hers. She wanted to move away from him, but she wanted to be close to him at the same time, and the contradicting desires made her freeze, her breathing becoming shallow.
He was watching her with worry in his eyes. "Are you sure about this?"
"It's just a dance, Vaan." When had she gotten so good at lying to herself?
His arm slowly encircled her bare waist, evoking a disturbing multitude of emotions--warmth and fear, contentment and guilt. She ignored it all and focused on the dance, moving with Vaan around the room, one foot at a time, her eyes not moving from his the entire time.
As they danced, Penelo slowly began to relax, and the fear and shame gradually began to fade. She was safe here; in his arms there was comfort and strength, there was hope and…and…
Her feet slowed as she continued to gaze into his eyes. What she saw in them was so familiar; it was what she had seen in ever increasing amounts the past months. It was what she herself had felt whenever she was around him, and it was what she had been waiting for him to somehow express. Waiting because he was Vaan and he was on the brink of boy and man, and because she…was…
…not moving anymore, and she couldn't remember when she had stopped. Her hand moved almost of its own accord, brushing over his chest, up across his cheek, fingers slipping into his hair before coming back to rest on his shoulder. She froze as he bent toward her, hesitating for a moment before touching his lips tentatively to hers.
Sudden, instinctive terror crashed down upon her, and her entire body tensed. She almost shoved him away, but managed to keep herself in check by clenching her hands into fists. He pulled away instantly, releasing his hold on her, his face flushed. "I'm sorry. I'll--"
She wanted to cry. What was wrong with her? She had been waiting so long for this, for Vaan to do something to show he loved her as more than just a friend and sidekick, and her stupid reactions were pushing him away again.
He turned to walk toward the door, and she reached out and grabbed his arm before he could go. "Wait," she whispered. She pulled him back around. He was Vaan, and she couldn't be scared of him. Not ever. She couldn't let herself. She didn't want to push him away. She wanted…she wanted to be with him.
She stretched up on tiptoes and kissed him, and though part of her trembled, she kept her eyes fixed on his and she saw the emotions there, saw his hesitation, felt how cautiously he put his arms around her again. The kiss started out very uncertain, but as she clutched him tightly and drew him closer, focusing on him and only him, it deepened into something more intense. Her heart pounded in her chest and she breathed him in, the feel and taste of the person who meant everything to her. A strange desperation grew within her as she continued to kiss him, pressing herself as close to him as possible.
She was so lost in it--she wanted to be lost in it, wanted for once to just stop thinking, to stop hurting, to just be happy with the man she loved--that she didn't really come to her senses until her back was pressed against the wall and she suddenly realized exactly what was happening…what could happen…what she was letting happen…what she wanted to happen.
She panicked. She jerked her face away from him, this time pushing him away from her. "Get out."
"Pene--"
"Get out, Vaan, please." She squeezed her eyes shut and didn't open them again until she heard his footsteps retreating and the front door closing. Then she looked around the room through blurry vision. She wanted to scream at herself, at her stupidity. She had undoubtedly hurt him, and confused him, but she was just as hurt and confused.
She fell back against the wall and sank to the floor. Her first instinct was to blame her actions on her fear, the fierce, almost primal fear that sometimes sprang up when she was least expecting it. That was part of it, she knew, but…
It hit her like a bolt of lightning then, so sharp and sudden that she couldn't breathe. She doubled over, clutching her stomach and fighting tears as she suddenly realized that it wasn't just the rape that had brought this on, not entirely. It had certainly exacerbated the issue, but it had existed even before, and she hadn't seen it clearly.
She didn't feel worthy of being loved by Vaan.
How could she have been so blind? She didn't feel worthy of him. People had often said that they didn't know how she put up with him sometimes, but she was the one who was terrified of losing him. There was a deeply-rooted fear that she wasn't what he wanted. Everyone else in her life left her, by choice or not.
In her sudden understanding, she saw that this was one reason why she had been holding back for so long, waiting for him to make a move, because she needed to know he wanted her. She was always inviting herself along with him, even before leaving Rabanastre. She had always been the one tracking him down around the city, the one inviting herself along when he needed a sunstone, the one begging him not to leave her behind when Balthier was 'kidnapping' Ashe, the one saying she would be his sky pirate partner. If she hadn't insisted, she would have gotten left behind long ago.
Maybe she should have let herself get left behind. Maybe she should have let him go, let him find a girl who wouldn't be so…so much like her.
Especially now. Vaan had been so restless lately. He was only here now because of her.
And here she had just come so close to losing herself entirely with him, and it was the desperate need that had stopped her. She didn't want it to be like that; she had never wanted it to be like that. She didn't want sex to be something she did to try to affirm that he wanted to be with her. She didn't want it to be something to prove that she was worthy of love. She didn't want it to be a tool. She didn't want to try to convince herself it was a means for healing, because it would only make things worse. She would be twisting something that was supposed to be precious, taking something from Vaan because of her own insecurities, because she felt worthless and used and she wanted to cover that up, to fill in her holes, but it couldn't be like this.
"A lot of men will try to get something from you, Penelo," her mother had told her on more than one occasion. "Wait until you find the one who loves you, the one you love. And if he loves you that much, then he had better be willing to put a ring on your finger, or your father and brothers will kill him. If I don't get to him first."
It would be nice if it was just that simple, Mom, Penelo thought, tears in the corners of her eyes. She wished she had someone who had some answers…someone who could tell her what she should do now, in this situation.
Penelo went into her room and locked the door. She didn't leave the rest of the evening, didn't answer when Vaan returned, knocking on her door and calling her name. She thought long and hard, wrestling with herself before finally making the hardest decision of her life. She felt like everything had just flipped completely upside down. The fete in Archades seemed like a distant thing, and part of her vaguely wondered why she had wanted to go in the first place.
To help. To try to help. To solve the mysteries that had been bothering her. To try to find out if she was better. To…
I'll worry about the fete later. Right now I…I have to…I can't…
I have to go.
She pulled out her travel bag and started stuffing things into it. Her stomach was in knots and she thought she might throw up as she checked to see how much gil she had. Not much, but a little bit. Vaan had used the last two teleport stones on the round trip to Archades, and since they hadn't restocked their supply, she would have to travel by other means. She couldn't take the Persephone; not only was she just not a pilot, but it was Vaan's ship. Vaan's freedom.
"Penelo?"
Penelo froze as Vaan called through the door yet again, her fingers clutching the bag of gil so tightly her knuckles turned white.
"I'm going to bed. Wake me if you--look, just come talk to me if you--" Vaan sighed. There was a long pause, and she bit her lip and refused to let herself cry. Finally, he said, "'Night."
She waited another hour, until she was certain he was asleep, before grabbing her bag and a note she had written for him. She quietly unlocked her bedroom door and stepped out into the hall. His door was open, and she peered inside, seeing Vaan lying still in his bed.
She tiptoed across the room, standing over him for a long moment, watching him sleep like he always did, with one arm flung over his head. She smiled, but a sob caught in her throat and tears welled in her eyes. Slowly, she leaned down, hesitating only a moment before pressing a gentle kiss to his lips, knowing he wouldn't wake.
She straightened quickly, but not before several of her tears fell onto his cheeks. She carefully set her note on the bedside table, giving Vaan one last look, and then fleeing from the room before she could change her mind. She quietly opened the door, fumbling with the lock because her tears were flowing freely down her face now. She closed the door softly, hurrying down the stairs and into Migelo's. Once she was out of the shop, she ran as fast as she could, not letting herself turn around and look back. She knew if she did, she would lose all resolve and run straight back into his arms.
