"Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, who has sanctified us with His commandments, and commanded us to kindle the Hanukkah light," Rachel recited on the fourth night of the holiday week. Noah smiled at her as she repeated part of it in Hebrew from memory, reminding him a little of his mother. "Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, who performed miracles for our forefathers in those days, at this time."
After she had said the second blessing, she carefully lit the menorah and clapped happily. They had made it through the first four days successfully, each one getting a little bit better. Noah had given her a small bottle of her favorite perfume on the second night and a coffee table book full of Broadway photographs from the 1920s last night. She had given him a new set of wrenches she had seen him eying at the hardware store on the second night and all of his favorite candy on the third.
"I hope the kid likes Hanukkah as much as you do," Puck said as he watched the lights flicker across the walls. He could still remember her as a little kid, all excited at temple as the kids played dreidel. Her enthusiasm had always been infectious. "We just need to make sure you pick a strong Jewish name. Something Hebrew, ya know?"
"Do you think I'm bad for not even considering following Finn's religious preferences?"
Puck shot her a dirty look and rolled his eyes. "Finn barely went to church the entire time we were friends, and I knew the guy since we were six. The only time I ever heard him mention God was that whole grilled cheese fiasco, and I think that had more to do with misplaced guilt than actually believing in something real. Besides, Rach, we're Jews. It's who we are. You can't go changin' tradition."
She was glad that he was supportive. She had secretly wondered if Carole would be offended when she didn't even consider raising her child anything other than Jewish. It was an important part of who she was and one of the central things that she shared with Noah. She wanted her son to have the same kind of upbringing they had, even if his father hadn't been one of God's Chosen People.
"I just don't want to lose who Finn was and replace it with everything that I am."
He watched her tug her fingers through her dark, silky hair. "Rach, we won't let that happen. I think it's natural to think about shit like that, but Finn was my best friend. He was your husband. We know all his stories. Who better to get his memory to live on than us two?" he asked rhetorically. "Finn would have loved the hell out of this kid, no doubt about it. He also wouldn't have asked you to compromise who you were for who he was. He'd love you wanting to raise the kid as a Jew. He was around my mom enough. He knew how great they are."
Rachel thought for a moment about her own mother. "I've been thinking about calling Shelby."
They'd talked about it awhile ago, but he had chosen to stay quiet then. He hadn't thought it was his place to comment on her mother, no matter his relationship with Shelby. It was also a point of contention between them, his past dalliance with her birth mother. They never spoke about it, but they both knew he had fucked up big time when he had hooked up with Shelby. She had quietly forgiven him, understanding that it came out of misplaced yearning to be a father. Now that he had a second chance under different circumstances, they both knew that this time would be different.
"We could do that together," he offered. "Maybe tomorrow. I want to call and wish Beth a happy Hanukkah. It's been awhile since I talked to either of them. Shelby kind of said some things over the summer, and ya know, I just decided we should probably give each other some breathing room before I fucked up and she decided not to let me see my daughter."
"She doesn't know I'm pregnant."
"Rach, 'snot her business. Don't feel bad about that," he reminded her. "This baby will never call her grandma. She's just DNA, not family. Carole, your dads, my ma, that's family. This kid doesn't need her any more than you do. If she wants more and you're ready, then that's great. Fuckin' wonderful. I'm not going to risk your happiness or this baby for anything."
"Even Beth?"
"That's not fair, Rach, but no, not even Beth. There is no logical reason I should have to choose, but if I do, Quinn and I made that choice a long time ago. We gave Beth up so she could have a better life than we could give her at that time. It wasn't my idea but I ultimately agreed. Even if I think Shelby really messed up with you, she's been good to my other girl. It's hard to say it and even harder to believe it, but Beth's not mine to worry about raising."
He laughs when the only thing she focuses on is, "Other girl?"
"Duh, Berry. Whatever's been between us in the past, even if we were just friends, you've always been my girl," he reminded her before tugging on the end of her hair. "I think it's a good idea that you tell Shelby. Whatever you decide after this, you'll at least know what you have as options."
"Nice subject change, Noah," she ribbed him. "But you're right."
"And I think that we have something else that we need to do?"
"Oh, yeah?"
"I want to take you out after Hanukkah. I know that you're pregnant, so there are a lot of things we can't do. But I have an idea of something I'd like to do to surprise you," he told her. "So, what do you think, Berry? How does you and me sound for Sunday night?
She smiled and shook her head silently. "That'd be nice."
"Sweet," he grinned, and it was the happiest she had seen him since high school. He was just glad to be around her, and that was something she had come to love. The whole energy between them had always existed, their chemistry undeniable. Over time, that had grown to be a quiet affection built on friendship. For him, it had turned into love; for her, it was starting to feel like it.
She looked out the window then and saw the white flakes. "Noah, it's snowing!" He followed her gaze as the flakes floated down. Slipping behind her, he rested his hands on her stomach. The baby always reacted to his voice and his touch. She reasoned that the baby was already attached to him. He thought she was a little crazy, but then again, he always had believed that. "Go outside with me?"
He looked at her like she was crazy and then jutted his chin toward the door. "Get bundled up," he ordered her with a gentle pat on the butt. She shot him a look but scampered happily toward the closet to pull on her black parka. He reached for her accessories on the shelf, holding out each hot pink mitten for her to shove her little hands in. She laughed as he perched the hat atop of her dark hair and wrapped a scarf around her neck. "You're so cute," he chuckled as he pecked the tip of her nose. He grabbed his own coat and followed her the front door.
It was freezing outside, and the only light came through their windows and from the streetlight nearby. He watched as she jumped around in the snow best as she could in her boots. She tried and failed to make a snowball, so he took it upon himself to show her the art of making the perfect one to throw. And like anything she did, Rachel ended up being a pro after a few attempts and launched it at the back of his head. He retaliated by throwing a fistful of powder in her face. Her squeal echoed loudly in the night sky.
Rachel had felt old for weeks, far beyond her ears. Everything she was having to deal with were such adult things, but playing with Noah in the snow in their front yard made her feel like a kid. Just for a minute, she wasn't a widow who lost her husband to war or a mother trying to figure out how she was going to raise a kid alone. She was just a pretty girl having fun with the boy she liked as maybe more than a friend on a snowy winter's night.
She eventually ended up on her back in the snow, moving her arms and legs to make a snow angel just beneath her favorite sycamore tree. In a way that only she could, she managed to convince him to make one of his own. Rachel stops moving though when he rolls over and props himself up on his elbow next to her. Puck reaches for her coat zipper and tugs it down. He feels her suck in a deep breath as he lifts up the hem of her shirt over her rounded stomach. She wonders what he's up to until she feels him sprinkle a handful of snow on her skin.
"Hey, buddy, I thought we should share your first snowfall," Puck said. "Sorry if it's a little cold there, Mommy, but this is important. It's going to be all gone before is born. By then, we'll be ready for daffodils and rainy days. I can't wait to play with you and your mom in the snow. She's pretty cute when her face gets all pink from the cold. We can't wait to meet you, buddy."
Before she knows what she is doing, Rachel is tugging on Puck's collar and pulling him toward her. He leans down and she leans up and their lips finally meet in a kiss. It's feather light and brief, but it's the first time they have kissed since they were sixteen. She smiled against his lips as he leaned back. "Sorry."
Puck leaned down and kissed her harder this time. He sipped at her lips generously until she let out a little moan at the back of her throat. "Never apologize for that," he murmured between kisses. "You're incredible and sexy and sweet and perfect and..."
"Don't forget talented."
"And talented," he replied before pressing one last kiss to her lips. "And as much as I could literally do this all night, I meant what I said about waiting. Slow, Rach, it's important. We have time."
"I know, I'm sorry, just couldn't resist."
He linked their hands together after they were both on their feet and headed back into the house. She headed toward the kitchen to put on the kettle for cocoa while he went to work lighting the fireplace. When they're both done, he covers them with a blanket on the couch so that they can watch the fire dance and the snow fall. Well, she watches them and he watches her watching them. She is so beautiful.
"There's something I've been thinking about doing."
"Yeah?" he asks without looking away.
She nodded a little before asking him to get her computer out of her room. He came back with her pink laptop and opened it for her on the table. Rachel leaned forward so that she could log into her Facebook account. "I have Finn's password. I was on there the other day and I saw all the comments everyone made. It's just become this memorial wall, and that's not how I want to remember him. I get that they needed to find their own way to say goodbye, but I think they've all done that. I want to deactivate the account now and put all those sorry condolences in cyber space. Finn would have hated them and I don't want them."
"Sounds good to me."
She isn't surprised by his blasé attitude. It only takes a few keystrokes and the page is gone. The pictures are all housed somewhere else, and the parts that were Finn on the site went away when he left for Afghanistan. "There's something else I want to do." She had thought about this one a lot. It wasn't an easy decision, but it was the first little step toward taking off her wedding ring. She wasn't quite ready for that one and knew it would be quite awhile. However, she needed to give Noah some little sign that she trying to move forward, and this felt like a good place to start.
"Rachel Berry is single," he repeated. He wasn't sure that smiling was appropriate, so he elected to squeeze her hand instead. "You really sure you're okay with that?"
"For now I am. Maybe someday I'll change it to something else. For now, I'm going to see how this status feels on me."
She's not exactly married and she's not exactly single and she's definitely not in any kind of a relationship. "It's complicated" seems to lame for a girl like Rachel, so he agrees that it is probably the best compromise. He also hates himself just a little for being so happy that she'd done it. He knows that it's for him, to show him that she's moving forward. He knew it before but appreciates it nonetheless. He rewards her with a soft kiss to the inside of her wrist.
"So thanks for that."
"You want to sing something?"
He shakes his head but smiles sincerely. "I want to hear you sing."
"The lamp is burning low upon my table top, the snow is softly falling," she sings in her perfect soprano voice. "The air still within the silence of my room, I hear your voice softly calling. If I could only have you near to breathe a sigh or two, I would be happy just to hold the hands I love on this winter night with you."
He's never heard the song before but it sounds beautiful on her. Her head finds his shoulder and his arm finds its way around her torso. Their legs are tangled under the blanket and the lights of the menorah are still flickering in the window. It's perfect, and perfect used to scare him. Tonight, though, perfect feels like everything he's been waiting for all his life.
Song Credit: "Song for a Winter's Night" by Sarah McLachlan
Author's Note: I am leaving this weekend for eight days in Washington for work, so I am not sure that I will get the chance to update while I'm gone. I wanted to leave you with a sweet little morsel to hold you over. I hope you enjoyed this one and can't wait to come back to lots of reviews. Y'all seriously are the best readers a girl could ask for.
