A/N: Okay, a couple of things, before you read on.
1. Thirty reviews for the last chapter. I think I'm in heaven. ;) Actually, it seems I get more of a response when I make my characters miserable, I should keep that in mind...okay, only joking! But still. Thanks, people, you're all amazing. Don't forget to review this chapter, too!
2. This chapter is very, very long. It wasn't even supposed to be; I don't know what happened. And it actually turned out a lot different than I expected. I'm not one hundred percent sure how I feel about it, but I figured it was as good as it's ever gonna get and you guys have been waiting long enough anyway.
3. Surely you've noticed me plugging my little Quogan LiveJournal blog practically every other chapter, and I've got some good news; I get to write a really long, essay-like thing on Quogan for this LiveJournal community where people from all fandoms post essays on their ships. So yeah. It should be fun. If you want to help in any way--ideas, screencaps, reccomendations, beta'ing, what have you--just go ahead and let me know. ;)
4. Do you wanna read the chapter or just keep reading this stupid ordered list thing? I thought so.
Life sucks and we're all going to die.
That, I decided, was my new philosophy. Now, I'm not into analyzing my emotions or whatever—that's girl stuff—but it was pretty obvious to me that I was far, far away from sunshine and daisies.
Not that sunshine and daisies are the epitome of happiness, or anything. But…you get the point.
The truth was, I really had no idea what I was going to do with my life anymore. Like, thoughts about living beyond this day, this hour, this freaking minute, were just plain scary. Because the thought of going on without Quinn was not something that had occurred to me once since about two weeks after we had started dating. And when I thought ahead to the future, thought about how I'd have to see her every day with our friends, teaching my Physics class, realizing what a favor I'd done her by ending our relationship and starting to go out with other guys…I seriously didn't know how I was even supposed to survive that.
Maybe my dad would let me move to Finland.
Or maybe I could hit myself over the head with a sledgehammer to give myself amnesia so I wouldn't have to remember any of this. And maybe I could get surgery to repair my apparently crushed heart.
Maybe.
Meanwhile, before I could move to frozen Scandinavia or find a nearby sledgehammer or a surgeon who knew how to fix a broken, icy heart, I decided I just couldn't stand to be in my room any longer. I had counted every single crack in the stupid ceiling anyway. So I hauled myself off my bed and outside, into the fresh air, trying to push all thoughts about the future and Quinn and what had just happened out of my mind, because if I started to think about that, even a little, I was immediately back to the whole life sucks and we're all going to die thing. But I guess my brain really hates my heart, or something, because it just wouldn't shut up about all the thoughts and memories I was trying to avoid.
I really needed to find a sledgehammer.
I was just wandering aimlessly around campus for a while…or so I thought. Imagine my surprise when I ended up outside of the window of room 101 of Fulton Hall. Crap. This really wasn't helping the whole healing process thing.
I turned to walk away, but something stopped me. I don't know if it was curiosity, or a sudden desire to make myself feel as bad as humanly possible, or a what-the-hell-life-sure-can't-get-any-worse whim, but I soon found myself sitting on the slightly damp ground beneath the slightly open window of 101.
You wouldn't be able to see me unless you leaned outside the window and looked directly down, and I was hidden for the most part from passerby by a couple of very prickly bushes. I leaned my head back against the stucco wall of the building and closed my eyes. I was trying to convince myself that there was nothing eavesdropper-like or stalker-ish about this kind of behavior, but it wasn't working so well.
But you know what? Life sucks and we're all going to die.
So who even cares?
If I listened—not that I was trying to listen, of course—I could hear a muffled sobbing coming from the girls' dorm room. Part of me hoped that it wasn't what I knew it must be, that Lola had just stubbed her toe and it wasn't Quinn crying because of me, and it was completely unrelated to those events that had just taken place and there was no reason for me to even have to think about that—but the other part of me, a sick, twisted part of me, was glad she was crying. Because it meant she missed me. That I meant something to her.
Of course, soon she'd realize how much better off she was without me and she'd dry her tears and go off with some Russian violinist boy. And she'd come back and thank me someday for understanding what she hadn't seen, that she was way out of my league and she was so grateful I'd shown her the light by breaking up with her. Technically, that should have comforted me. Obviously, it didn't.
Being selfless really sucks sometimes.
Then again, so does life.
"Quinn." The sobbing hadn't stopped—hadn't decreased in volume or speed or intensity or anything—and I recognized Lola's voice. Which didn't normally sound as frantic as it did now. "Quinn, please. What's wrong?"
I remembered similar words being said to me not that long before…then I blocked that memory out. The good thing about eavesdropping was that it really did distract you from any life-sucks-and-we're-all-going-to-die thoughts you might be having.
Tired of hearing that philosophy? Well, I was tired of thinking it. But I didn't have much of a choice.
"She's been like this for the last fifteen minutes!" That was Zoey. She sounded pretty worried, too. I assumed by she they meant Quinn and by this they meant the whole sobbing thing.
It's a good thing my heart was already crushed. If it wasn't, I don't think it could have survived the things I was hearing.
"What is it?" I heard Lola ask through the open window. "Are you sick? Hurt? Tired? Is it school…a Quinnvention…a person…give me something to work with here!" Her voice was bordering on hysterical as she tried to figure out what was causing Quinn to weep for fifteen minutes on end.
"Shh…it's okay," Zoey said soothingly. To Quinn, I think, not Lola. "Lola, I'm going to get another box of tissues from the closet—just keep rubbing her back, okay? Hopefully soon she'll be able to talk…"
"Right," Lola replied. The sobbing sounded like it was dying down a bit; the flow of tears decreasing. Lola and Zoey continued to murmur comforting words until the crying slowly turned into sniffling.
"Quinn?" Zoey said gently. "Quinn, are you okay?"
"Obviously not," Lola snapped. Then she sighed. "I'm sorry. Quinn…how are you feeling?"
"I—I'm fine."
Those two words hurt so bad.
For one thing, they were quiet and practically inaudible and you could tell there were tears behind them. For another, I was perfectly aware that she wasn't fine, but the very notion that she could be fine so soon after I (to put it bluntly) dumped her, pained me more than I cared to admit. And for another, this was the first time I had heard her speak since she had walked out of my life some fifteen minutes previously…since I had kicked her out, without an explanation.
But was I really supposed to explain that I was too stupid for her and was letting her go so she could be happier? My pride was already hurt enough, thank you.
"No, you're not fine." Lola's words drifted from the window to my ears, distracting me once again from my misery. "Please tell us what's wrong. We want to help."
Quinn laughed a not-amused laugh. I could hear Zoey and Lola passing her tissues, and assumed Quinn was using them to dry her face and blow her nose, thus the brief silence unbroken by Lola's impatient demands to know what was going on now.
"It's nothing you can help with," Quinn assured them brokenly. "Really, I'm fine…or, I'll be fine, anyway."
That was exactly it. She may be sad now, but she'd be fine, once she found out how happy she could be without me. And, since I wanted her to be happy, this knowledge that she'd be fine should have made me happy, but a guy can only be selfless for so long. I had had my moment of true selflessness and now it was time for me to wallow in my own life-sucks feelings.
"Quinn…tell us what happened."
Quinn sighed. I braced myself.
"Logan broke up with me," she admitted, seeming on the verge of tears again.
I had braced myself, but I wasn't prepared for my heart shattering all over again as it encountered the ugliest truth it had ever heard.
Well, okay, hearts don't have ears, so I guess that metaphor doesn't really make sense. (Or is it a simile? I never can remember…) But the basic idea was still the same. Heart--shattered. Life--sucks. Zoey and Lola--gasps of shock and two "What?!"s in unison.
I can only assume Quinn nodded, because there was a moment or two of stunned silence before Lola broke it by saying, "Tell us what happened. All of it."
"I…" Quinn started in a wobbly voice. I heard more tissues being pulled out of the box in rapid succession. "I went over to his dorm room because we had a study date, and…" She broke off and blew her nose.
"Shh, shh, it's okay," Zoey said softly. "Don't cry."
Quinn chuckled a watery little chuckle and said quietly, "Don't worry, I can only produce about half a teaspoon more of tears before I start to become dehydrated."
See? This is why I had to break up with her. Because she's so smart. I wasn't even one hundred percent sure what dehydrated meant.
"So you went to his dorm room…" Lola prompted.
"And…I don't know. He was acting strangely. Sort of unresponsive, like he just didn't care. And he wouldn't meet my eyes."
It was almost interesting, having my behavior analyzed this way; what it had been like from her point of view as I made what was probably the worst decision of my life and the best decision for hers.
"Did you ask him what was wrong?" Zoey asked.
"Of course I did. But he wouldn't tell me. He didn't say much at all, really." I think a little bit of that half teaspoon of tears she had left were probably leaking out.
"So then what happened?" Lola asked. Zoey and Lola's concern must have been encouraging to Quinn, because she took a deep breath and went on.
"I asked him again, and he…he just said he thought that maybe we should take a break. Just like Mark said."
Suddenly, she was flat-out sobbing, and from what I heard I could just imagine the scene inside: Quinn curled up on her bed, Lola holding her and rocking back and forth, Zoey holding the box of tissues and rubbing her back. The idea that I had caused this whole thing made me feel, if possible, even worse.
Lola and Zoey continued to do that comforting good-friend thing it seems girls were just born with the ability to do, and eventually Quinn must have released a full half teaspoon because she was back to sniffling quietly.
"Is that all?" Lola asked, more gently than I had ever heard her say anything.
"Well…then he said the same thing, but worse, somehow…he made it sound more…final. And he was so monotone, and emotionless, and he still wouldn't meet my eyes. And I tried to get him to talk about it, but he wouldn't, he wouldn't say anything, he just sat there looking all…I don't even know. So I left." Quinn sounded exhausted and teary, and I knew that if she had been able to cry any more without getting de-whatchamahcallit, she would be. Crying, I mean.
"And…that's it?" Zoey said incredulously. "He didn't even offer an explanation? He just told you that you were over and that was it? No flimsy excuse or anything?"
"Nope," Quinn said shakily. "Nothing."
"Well…has he been acting strangely lately?" Lola asked, sounding completely confused as to my motives.
"I guess…" Quinn said. I heard the slightest shift in their positions as she shrugged. "For the last few days he has been a little odd. I should have seen it coming…" She broke off.
"Quinn, this isn't your fault," Lola said firmly.
"He's not worth it," Zoey put in, and she was so right.
"No…but…" Quinn trailed off. "I don't know," she said quietly.
"So that's it, then?" Lola asked. "That's the whole story?" I think Quinn nodded, because I didn't hear a response.
"Okay, well." I heard the creak of bedsprings as Zoey and Lola stood up. "We'll be right back. Do you want us to bring you some tea?"
"Where—where are you going?" Quinn asked brokenly.
A flare of anger rose up inside of me, even though technically it had no right to be there. What were they thinking, leaving Quinn at a time like this, with a mere promise to bring back tea? Couldn't they see she was in a right state? ('Right state'…that's a Britishism Chase picked up in England, by the way. Kind of fun to say.) The fact that it was because of me she was in this state was pretty much beside the point.
"To kill Logan," Lola said simply.
Oh. Crap.
I should have known. I should have known there's no way they could hear about the 'awful thing' I had just done to Quinn—though it was really for her own benefit—and take the news so calmly. I should have known they wouldn't just let it go.
"What?" Quinn gasped.
"Quinn, come on," Zoey said. "We warned him when we found out you two were dating not to hurt you. And now he has."
"No, guys—" Quinn said.
"We all really thought he'd changed," Lola went on. "But apparently not. Apparently he's still a jerk. And now he's done just what I was afraid of back when we found out about you two—he hurt one of my best friends. I'm not just going to let him get away with that."
"Me neither," Zoey agreed. "Of all the things Logan's ever done, this is by far the worst."
You know, they weren't shouting or anything, but I swear this was the angriest I'd ever seen—well, heard—them. I didn't doubt that they wouldn't injure me quite badly if they ever found me, and especially if they found out I was eavesdropping on them.
And they'd never believe I broke up with Quinn because I loved her.
"No, please don't," Quinn begged. "Just…don't."
"Why not?" Lola demanded. "He deserves it."
"I just…I can't handle that right now." Apparently Quinn was wrong about the half-teaspoon thing, because she began to cry all over again.
And like the good friends they were, Zoey and Lola sat back down and started to comfort her.
And like the bad person I was, I snuck away from the window.
The next few days were absolute misery.
I spent most of it curled up on my bed, staring at the wall (the ceiling had grown old). When Chase and Michael first found out about what I had done, they had come in all angry and yelling, asking me why I had done that, didn't I realize Quinn was the best thing that ever happened to me, how could I have hurt her so badly and didn't I understand that Quinn was their friend too and they couldn't believe what a stupid jerk I was?
I learned to tune it all out after a while. And after they realized they weren't getting through to me, weren't getting any response at all, they stopped yelling. I think after a day or two of me doing nothing but lying in bed staring at the wall, they even started to get worried. I could feel the looks they exchanged behind my back. The what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-him? looks.
Once Michael had a glorified moment of pity and asked me just what was wrong. He said that if this was about Quinn, if I really missed her so much, why had I broken up with her? Just talk to her, he advised me.
I think I may have muttered a swear word at him. They didn't disturb me after that.
I wanted to skip classes Monday, but somehow I knew I wouldn't get away with it, so I rolled out of bed before either Chase or Michael were up and did a semi-decent job of basic personal hygiene before arriving early to Math, which I swear had never happened before. I nearly gave my teacher a coronary when I walked in.
I went through my classes like a zombie. It was an early-release schedule day, so we had fifth period before lunch, which meant—you guessed it—Physics.
Quinn was more subdued in front of the class that day. She basically pretended I wasn't in the room, and so did I…I pretended I was anywhere but there. And Alex Craine? He must have seen what had happened between us. And though he tried not to show it, it was obvious he was pretty smug.
He started chatting up Quinn right before the bell rang, and I really couldn't get out of there fast enough. Quinn was obviously still upset, but she still talked to Alex politely and that alone made me want to kill someone. Preferably Alex.
But Quinn wasn't my girlfriend anymore, and I had no right to defend her or feel jealous or get in the way of her happiness. That's why I had broken up with her, after all. So smart people like Alex would have a shot at her. The whole point was to get her to move on.
But that didn't mean I had to be happy about it.
Anyway, when the bell rang signaling the beginning of lunch, I was out of there like a shot. I went straight to the table where we all usually eat lunch, then realized belatedly that maybe I wouldn't be so welcome there.
But, as it turns out, all my friends seemed to have decided it was easiest just to ignore me. I could see their thought process, really—not wanting to waste their time or create a scene by telling me to insert-swear-word-here off. Wondering if they should even still be my friend. Just overall not sure what to do with me. I was an unwanted nuisance.
I didn't give them much trouble, though, just sat quietly eating my lunch as they loudly and pointedly excluded me from a conversation I had no interest in joining anyway. Quinn came along soon, and the level of ignoration increased. I couldn't even look at Quinn to see if she had improved, if she was any happier than she had been a few days previously, when she had cried out all the tears in her body. Instead, I kept my eyes steadfastly fixed on my French fries.
Life sucks and we're all going to die.
Shut up, brain.
It hurt so much just to be near her. But I don't think I really knew what pain was until Alex came riding up to our lunch table on his Jet-X.
I knew right away why he was there.
So this was his final revenge. Having already accomplished the part where I shatter my very own heart, he was going to come along and stomp on the pieces until they were nothing more than dust. Or in my case, snow, I guess. Crushed ice? Whatever.
"Hey, Quinn," Alex said with his perfectly even, white-teethed smile. "Hey, guys."
Those at the table who knew Alex mumbled hellos around their food, while those who didn't just sort of looked at him.
"Oh, hi, Alex." I couldn't even tell from her tone what she was feeling—she didn't sound particularly enthusiastic or happy, but then, she didn't exactly sound depressed, either. More like carefully neutral.
Quinn was never carefully neutral. I wondered if she was hurting as much as I was…and I wondered how long it would take her to get over it. Personally, I didn't think I ever would.
"I just wanted to say…thanks for a great lesson today. That was awesome." Like hell that was just what you wanted to say.
It was almost a good thing Quinn and I weren't going out anymore in one respect, and anyway I'd never let her test her mind-reading machine on me anyway, because she would have been so furious to know all the swearing going on in my head lately.
"No problem," Quinn said, still in an even, calm voice. She gave him a generic smile. I wanted to punch his lights out.
"Also," he said, and here it came, insert-swear-word-here here it came, "I was wondering…see, Stephen Hawking is giving a talk at Pepperdine University tomorrow, and my uncle is a Dean there, and he said he could get me in, and I was wondering if maybe, you wanted to go. With me."
Nice. A smart-people date. What a perfect way to rub in my face what my life had come to now.
"I…" I don't think Quinn had been expecting it like I was. She looked caught off her guard. And for the first time during that lunch period, I was no longer invisible, and she looked at me…for the first time since, well, the day I wouldn't look at her.
Our eyes met only for a second, but it was enough to absolutely electrify me. There was such a lot of hurt in her eyes, and blame, and pleading-ness, and vulnerability, and a thousand other emotions I couldn't even begin to name. And then she looked back at Alex and I dropped my suddenly wet eyes back to my French fries. Michael's stupid allergies must be contagious…
"I…I really don't think…" Quinn started. Then Zoey kicked her under the table and gave her a look.
A this-guy-is-cute-and-smart-and-why-don't-you-show-Logan-just-what-he's-missing kind of look.
As though I didn't already know.
Quinn looked at Zoey for a minute with panic on her face, and Zoey looked back sternly, and then Quinn plastered a smile back on and looked at Alex again, who looked positively bewildered by this whole silent exchange.
And he called himself smart.
"I would love to go with you," she said, all…I dunno, flirtily, and Alex grinned. "But," she said, "why don't we just go for dinner at Sushi Rox instead?"
Well, that was surprising. Quinn turning down this smart-people date for dinner at plain old Sushi Rox.
Alex, also surprised, hastily accepted this change of plans, but I was barely listening.
The thing was, I was supposed to let her move on; thus the point of this whole breaking-up thing. I was supposed to let her be with someone smarter who could make her happy.
And I knew that. But…
But once an eavesdropper, always an eavesdropper, right? And life sucks and we're all going to die anyway.
So I might as well die while spying on her date.
