A/N: Sorry for the long delay... again hehe. The holidays were very hectic. I hope everyone had a great Christmas, Hanuka, or anything else you celebrated or maybe didn't :) The funny thing is. I started this chapter 8 days ago, I just didn't have the time to post it.
Carisi had always been an early riser and that morning at Amanda's apartment was like any other. He could not say that he had a very restful sleep because he was aware of the nightmares his partner was having. Carisi discovered that the young blonde mother talked in her sleep and the things she said during the night gave him nightmares.
The sun was just beginning to peak through the blinds when Franny nearly jumped on him. "Hey" Carisi huffed out when the wind was nearly knock out of him by the weight of the happy dog "do you always wake your guests up like this?" he asked the excited canine as he sat up on the couch. Yawning Carisi began to scratch Franny's ear "you want to be walked, huh girl?". Franny answered his question by licking his hand "okay, okay. Let's go then" at his words Franny ran to the wall hook that held her leash. With everything that had been going on for the past few days, Franny hadn't been getting her usual amount of walks.
Carisi made sure to lock the door behind himself, but not before stealing a key from Amanda so he could get back in without disturbing her. "You're worried about your mama aren't you Franny," he asked his new four-legged companion as they walked down the stairs "so am I" he admitted more to himself than to Franny. "I wish she could just ask for help instead of making up excuses to not be alone on a rough night" he sighed to himself as he remembered the bad lie she told him to get him over there. "I should be happy that she at least reached out in her own way" he concluded as he took Franny around the corner for the 5th time "okay, girl let's get back before Amanda wakes up to an empty apartment, but first let's buy something to eat".
Not more than twenty minutes after he left the apartment Carisi returned with a couple of bagels and two hot cups of coffee. He placed their quick breakfast on the kitchen table and then went to give Franny some water. The dog lapped up the water in the bowl faster than Carisi thought a dog should be able to "wow, you were thirsty weren't you, girl" Franny stared up at him and then nudged her food bowl "and hungry too" he chuckled to himself as he picked up the bowl to feed the demanding yet lovable dog.
"Now where does your mama keep your food?" he asked as he began searching through Amanda's drawers. He opened nearly all of them without luck, but then suddenly stopped in his tracks as he opened the cabinet near the kitchen sink "what the..." he trailed off as he saw the many empty bottles of alcohol in the cabinet. Forgetting what he was doing he grabbed the nearest bottle, the blue bottle of Sky Vodka. He turned it in his hands a few times and he could tell it was only recently emptied. The smell of alcohol was still strong and the inside of the bottle was not yet dry.
"Why are there so many bottles of..." he cut off his own question as the answer came to his mind "she's using this as her crutch. She's been trying to drink away her problems". He couldn't say he was surprised. Carisi knew about her past gambling addiction, and he knew that would make her more likely to replace that addiction with another. He just hoped that she wasn't so far gone that she wouldn't listen to reason.
Carisi was pulled from his thoughts by the loud bark of Franny reminding him that she still wasn't fed. "Shhh," he harshly whispered as he reached behind the bottles and grabbed the dog food bag "you're going to wake Amanda and Jesse up". Franny didn't seem to care much and answered with another bark. "Okay here you go," Carisi said as he hurriedly poured the food into the plastic bowl on the floor "there you happy now?"
Carisi wasn't able to do much else before he heard Amanda's door creek open. He sighed knowing that the young blonde mother was now awake, he had wanted to let her rest as much as possible. Carisi looked to the hallway and saw Amanda standing there, she looked frightened but at the same time relieved. He knew that she must have forgotten about him being there and worried that an intruder was attacking Franny. "Hey Amanda" Carisi greeted her but he only received a head nod from her as a response. He was about to take a step closer to her until he saw her gun in her hand. "Wow Rollins, it's me, Carisi," he said in concern.
"Yeah... I know... I just thought..." Amanda looked down at her gun "I'm sorry Carisi, I'll be right back" she finished as she returned to her room to put the gun away. Carisi decided not to move and wait for her to return on her own. "Um... I'm really sorry for this... and last night" she began. Amanda didn't really know what to say to the man before her. In fact, she didn't want to say anything at all because she couldn't help but scrutinize every action she took. She was afraid of how she was presenting herself to her partner and didn't want to come off as weak or crazy.
"I get it, Amanda," Carisi said with a smile and walked over to the kitchen table and lifted up the meager food he had bought them "I really do, bagel? Coffee?" he interrupted himself. Amanda only nodded and sat at the table. They sat together in silence as they sipped their warm drinks, but Carisi couldn't keep quiet for long. "Amanda, I understand that this is all hard and I want you to know that you have my complete and unconditional support" he began as Amanda watched him tentatively "but please..." Carisi didn't know how to bring it up so he decided to not beat around the bush "those bottles in that cabinet, I can't imagine how difficult trying to cope with what has been done to you is but drinking is not the right way..."
"Carisi it's not like that" she quickly lied. It was like that, or at least before a few days ago it was, but she didn't even want to admit that to him. "I'm fine..." she looked down at her drink "and the way I'm dealing with this... well I'm getting through it"
"You don't have to get through it like this" Carisi responded back with compassion "there are better coping mechanisms than alcohol, that's just another way to hide from your problems"
"Don't you think I know that" Amanda snapped at him "yes, I have problems. Everyone does. I was drinking to not remember what they did to me, to keep the nightmares at bay! I was doing that!" she emphasized the past tense "That is until Olivia convinced me to pour it all down the sink. She helped me see that it wasn't the way to do it, but that didn't help with the nightmare. Why do you think I called you last night..." she paused. She didn't mean to yell at him or tell him the truth about why she drank.
"I'm sorry Amanda," Carisi said with sincerity "I'm just worried about you, and I don't want you hurting yourself because of others" he paused. He knew what he had to say next wouldn't be taken easily by his partner "have you ever considered therapy"
"I don't need that, Carisi" Amanda responded with an angrily calm voice
"I was just asking because a therapist would be able to provide you with several positive coping mechanisms..." he paused and bit his lip before continuing "do you think therapy is a sign of weakness?"
"Stop Carisi, okay. You don't understand, you've never had to go to a therapist" she said as she grabbed her hands together and squeezed them tight in an attempt to control her emotions "your life has been perfect... you couldn't understand!"
Carisi was quiet for a moment "you're wrong, Amanda, my life is far from perfect. You're right that I've never been in a situation like yours... but I have needed to talk to a therapist before, and not just my priest, a real therapist" he confessed and caught Amanda completely off guard "I never told you, or anyone really, why I decided to become a cop. Something happened when I was young" he pinched the bridge of his nose to ready himself for his tale.
Amanda was taken aback by his sudden change of demeanor. The young blonde detective had never even thought to ask why he became a detective in the first place. She had always assumed that it was his way of being close to the court system and seeing justice done while he waited to make the long journey into becoming a lawyer.
"You know I come from a large Italian family right?" Carisi asked as a rhetorical question. He knew that she was aware, he had invited Amanda and Jesse over to some of his family parties before, especially during the holidays. "Well when I was younger, about 10 or 11, I looked up to my cousin Franky. He was 11 years older than me, but boy were we close" Carisi smiled to himself at the memory of his cousin. "Me coming from a house dominated by women... he just taught me things that my sisters wouldn't"
"He gave you your first adult magazine, huh?" Amanda asked in an innocent voice.
"Amanda" Sonny gave her a pointed look, but his cheeks did flush. Amanda knew that it wasn't the time nor place to make such a remark, but she was nervous at his seriousness and she wanted to return the atmosphere to their usual bantering attitude. Something that she had learned to draw comfort from.
"Anyway, Franky had always wanted to be a cop and when he was old enough he signed up just like that" Carisi snapped his fingers to emphasize his point "he was the happiest man in the world when he was excepted into the police academy"
Another smile played across Carisi's face at the thought of his cousin, but then his smile fell and he looked heartbroken. Amanda watched this with sympathetic eyes. She never heard about this cousin before and she knew this story must not have ended well "something happened didn't it?"
Carisi nodded his head as he bit his lip. Amanda could swear she saw tears prick at the edges of his eyes. "Franky took me out with him to celebrate, he said I was his inspiration to work hard because he wanted to be a great role model for me. See, Franky's dad was a scum bag and well that's all I'm going to say about him. He had no one to look up to so he wanted me to have a hero"
Carisi pulled out a small photo from his wallet. It was wrinkled and worn around the edges but the image of a young man and a boy standing in front of Yankee stadium was still as clear as day. The young man looked just like Carisi, except with jet black hair and brown eyes. The Italian detective looked at this precious picture and then handed it to Amanda.
"He took me to a game, just the two of us. It was a terrible loss for the Yankees but it didn't matter. I had the time of my life. After the game, we went to a local 7/11 on our way home to grab something to eat. Games were fun but too expensive to eat at" Carisi paused again and Amanda knew that they were reaching the climax of his story. "I wish we didn't stop" Carisi suddenly stated "that store was robbed, and my cousin... he couldn't just do nothing, but the robber had a gun. Franky pushed me to the ground, the robber had a woman as a hostage. He held the gun to her head. Franky fought the guy and saved that lady's life... just at the cost of his own"
"Carisi... I'm..."
"I saw the whole thing" Carisi admitted with a deep breath "I saw the light leave his eyes" a tear escaped from his eye "I saw my cousin die right in front of me"
Amanda didn't know what to say. She'd seen plenty of death in her job, she'd seen some of the worst the city had to offer, but she'd never seen someone she loved die right in front of her.
"I was really unstable after that" Carisi admitted with a sly grin "I was angry at the world... at God. I was afraid to leave my house or go to school. I hated this city and the people in it. I needed help, and I got help" he looked straight into Amanda's eyes "it wasn't easy, Amanda, it was actually the hardest thing I've ever done. But I got help, and I was able to learn how to live again, how to trust and love again. It took me years to get where I am today, but it's not impossible. You make fun of me for being so optimistic sometimes, but this is why. I've been in real darkness before and after I came back from it the world just seemed brighter, don't get me wrong there is still evil out there, I just want to see the brighter side of things. After loosing hope it felt wonderful to have it again"
"Sonny..." Amanda said as she handed back his picture "I'm so sorry for what happened to you, and I'm glad that you've come out of it stronger... I just don't think I can..."
"Amanda, it's not a weakness to ask for help. If that's what you're afraid of? No one will think less of you for talking to a therapist" Carisi offered, hoping to convince her otherwise
"No Carisi, you don't understand. It's not that I think talking to a therapist is a sign of weakness... I just don't think I'm strong enough to withstand actually facing my problems" Amanda stated in raw honesty. She had spent her whole life pushing her demons to the depth of her subconscious that she's afraid of ever opening that door.
"That's a bull shit answer, Amanda, because you're one of the strongest people I know. In fact, you're far stronger than I think even you know" Carisi said sincerely "think about it, Amanda, all of the stuff you've been through. All the crap your family put you through, your addiction to gambling, your deputy chief, being a single mother... Corey Dunham and those bastards that were with him. You've been through hell Amanda, but your still here. You're still willing to go to work every day and fight against the depravity in this city. Not everyone can do that. Franky was my hero as a kid, but you're my real hero, Amanda"
"Carisi, you don't have to say that," Amanda said while blushing. She wasn't used to getting such a generous compliment.
"It's the truth, so ya I have too" he smiled and moved closer to her so he could give her a hug. A hug that after a moment she returned.
A knock at the door interrupted their moment and Gina, the babysitter, quietly peeked her head inside. Amanda had given her the key because the young woman had a tendency to arrive when she was in the shower or otherwise indisposed. "Opps," Gina said and stepped back out "I didn't mean to interrupt anything"
Amanda chuckled slightly at the thought of what her sitter must have been thinking "It's alright Gina, were both decent" At her words the sitter reentered the apartment "just let me change real quick and we can head into work" she offered Carisi
"Alright, but we need to stop by my place so I can get some fresh clothes and brush my teeth. I don't want the guys at the precinct spreading rumors when I come in with a day old suit" Carisi chuckled. The guys at the one six liked to tease each other about suck things.
"You should let them, although they will probably wonder what guys house you were at" Amanda chuckled back as she entered her bedroom
"What!" Carisi yelled after her "why would they think..."
"Fin" Amanda replied back from the other side of her door
"Fin..." Carisi repeated confused "Why"
"Revenge, for the most part, remember when you pulled that ghost prank on him. He holds grudges Carisi, and you didn't make it any harder by never going on dates" Amanda explained. It turned out that Fin, although he would deny it, is terrified of ghost and Carisi used that to his advantage one night for some fun.
Amanda returned from her bedroom dressed for the day ahead, the sleep deprived bags under her eyes hidden expertly with makeup. "If you want your own revenge, just bring up his last partner. They were so close that many thought they were in a secret relationship of their own"
"Him and Munch?"
"Just don't tell anyone I told you" they both chuckled. Amanda and Carisi said their goodbyes to Jesse and the sitter and then strolled out into the busy street life of New York City and headed to work.
A/N: Sorry I just couldn't help myself :) I recently saw a fic about Fin and Munch being secret lovers and I thought it was so funny that I wanted to nudge it in somehow. Also, I wanted to end this chapter on a lighter note. There will be a twist in the case next chapter so stay tuned :) Thanks again for all the positive feedback I've received, it's very encouraging.
