It felt like a ton of bricks had been dropped on his chest the moment her words sank in. At first Herc wasn't sure he had heard her correctly but as he looked into her eyes he knew she was dead serious. What could he say in response to that?
Jo watched the emotions play across his face and finally sat up. It didn't surprise her that he let her go or that he looked beyond stunned. Of course she'd never said those words to anyone before but she still wasn't surprised. Running her fingers through her hair she lowered her eyes wanting to give Herc a moment to process.
Shaking his head Herc looked at Jo for a long moment. "Joanna…," he leaned forward to hug her hard before leaning back again. He ran a hand over his face, "Tell me what happened."
With a heavy sigh Jo shook her head, "It seems like so long ago and yet seeing him today… brought it all back." Wrapping her arms around herself she sat quietly for a moment before going on again, "He was my mom's boyfriend at the time. I was sixteen and things were… tough but that was just the way it was, hell it was the only way life had ever been at that point."
Getting up for the floor Jo moved to the bed and turned her back to him as she pulled her ruined shirt off over her head as carefully as she could. Only after replacing the blood stains for the clean tank top she'd gotten out did she turn back to him, "He wasn't all that bad at first. He was charming and I knew it would annoy the hell out of my mother if he paid me any attention whatsoever."
"My first mistake was thinking it was just harmless flirting," she said softly as she crossed her arms and leaned back so she was half sitting on the bed. "My mother and I have never gotten along and she had accused me of turning a boyfriend's head before. This time I thought I would at least be guilty of what she was throwing at me. At sixteen I had no idea what I was doing but when he started to pay attention I thought it was great."
Jo kicked a booted foot as she looked at Herc as he rose from the floor finally and moved to sit on the edge of the bed with her. He got close enough to brush his knee against her leg but otherwise he didn't touch her.
She sighed and brushed her fingers through her hair, "One night… mom was working late which wasn't out of the norm. I got home from school and he was there already, said he was waiting for my mom and thought he would just hang out until she got in."
With a snort she shook her head, "Things were fine at first but it didn't take long before we were getting more than just a little friendly. Started out just touching, he was rubbing my leg or my arm and then it was suddenly more than that."
Swallowing Jo hugged herself a little more as she looked at the floor, "One minute we were on the couch and then suddenly he was on top of me. I started struggling and we ended up on the floor. I wasn't as strong as I thought I was at that age and I swear he grew an extra couple hands or something."
"When I really started to fight in earnest he got more violent, punched me in the face a few times and completely dazed me. Next thing I knew he was tearing at my clothes and I kept trying to stop him but he kept hitting me whenever I got too… difficult," she said with a slight shiver as she relived the moment in her head.
Herc watched her when she went quiet and could see the pain in her face. He wanted very badly to stop her from saying anything more but the story wasn't over. There had been a child and as he didn't see a ten year old running around he could only imagine what had happened.
Looking at Herc she sighed heavily, "I have no idea how long it went on but I was a bloody mess when he was finished. His parting words were something along the lines of if I told anyone he would hurt me again."
"After he left I lay on the floor for a long time… I hurt so badly all over… I didn't know what to do. I was still on the floor, curled up with a blanket when my mother got home. She started screeching about the mess I was making on the floor and started demanding to know what had happened."
Jo stopped and ran a hand over her face, her expression had changed from the horror and pain of what had been done to her to something closer to disgust. There was obviously no love lost between her and her mother but whatever the relationship was it was a tough one to say the least of it.
Taking a deep breath she sighed and glanced away from Herc then, "I told her what had happened and instead of trying to help me she started screaming about how I had done this to myself. Told me I was a whore, told me it was my own fault, and left me laying there."
"Jesus Jo… you said your mom was bad news but… how could she-" he started but couldn't finish. Shaking his head Herc finally moved closer to her so he could wrap an arm around her waist as she shrugged her shoulders. He could see the tears in her eyes, could see the pain and torment of having gone through something like that.
With a swipe of her hand Jo brush away the tear that slipped down her cheek, "I managed to clean myself up for the most part. My mother wouldn't take me to the hospital, it would raise too many questions of course and she kept going on about losing her job if there was trouble of any kind."
Brushing at her face again Jo looked back at him and shook her head, "I have to say I thought that was the lowest moment of my life." The laugh that escaped her was more pained than humorous, "A couple months later I experienced the lowest moment of my life when I realized I was pregnant. I had no idea that was why I was so sick. My mom wasn't the educating type as you can imagine so I never got the sex talk, never knew what signs of pregnancy were. Hell before that night I had only fooled around with boys, never done anything more so how was I supposed to know?"
There were more tears now, her eyes shimmered with them as she looked away from Herc again, "I took myself into the doctor finally, I was losing weight and sick all the time. I was four months along already by the time I knew what was going on and it was too expensive to even consider an abortion."
Jo wiped at her face and sniffled as she closed her eyes, "What was I going to do with a baby? I was 16 and terrified every day I would come home only to find him sitting there waiting for me. I was scared out of my mind and then I found out I was pregnant on top of that? I couldn't protect myself, how was I going to protect a tiny baby."
Tightening his arm around her Herc leaned forward to kiss the side of her face, "I can't imagine. Jesus Jo… I'm sorry."
She sniffled but leaned into him as she hugged her belly as if she were round with the baby again. Jo could swear at times she could still feel the little kicks and movements of that little boy as she carried him. There wasn't a day that went by that she forgot what had happened, forgot the pain of that time in her life.
Ten years and she'd never once shared that terrible time with anyone, Jo had never even considered telling anyone else about it. Yet here she sat with Herc telling him everything. Part of her felt relief now that the words were pouring out of her.
"I wasn't very popular at school, I was more awkward than anything but being pregnant? It opened up a whole other can of worms. I thought kids were mean before that but man I was wrong," she said softly as she sat up again.
"School was never the same after that, I was the girl who got pregnant after all. Boys were jerks and the girls pointed their fingers at me. At the time I was too caught up in what was going on to take much notice of it but after I had the baby… it didn't get any better."
When she stopped again Herc watched her quietly as emotions played across her face. Life sounded like it had been bad enough for her before this but he couldn't imagine how it had been after. Her mother should have been there for her, should have done something anything!
"Where was your dad during all this," he finally asked.
Pulled from her thoughts she turned to look at him and gave him a sad smile, "The same thing hit me as all this was happening and I had to drag it out of my mother but I got her to tell me where to find him. I had no idea what I was going to do and not a whole lot of time to figure it out but I knew if I kept the baby I wouldn't be able to stay with my mother so I went looking for him."
"Turned out he wasn't that far away and I found him pretty easily. I begged him to take me, to let me live with him or to help me get out of my mother's house. He looked at my big belly and told me I was just like her, told me I was trouble and he wanted nothing to do with me," she said, heat lacing her words. "At the time I had been crushed but now… now I'd like to find the bastard again and tell him where to stick his opinion of me."
"Turns out dear mother had gotten pregnant after she had me while she was with my old man. She told him it had been rape, some guy took her while she was drunk or something I guess. My dad took one look at me and saw her all over again," she explained.
Jo shook her head with a heavy sigh and glanced at Herc briefly before she went on, "I was a skinny thing then and all belly. I took care of myself but it was still hard, all of it… I didn't put on much weight, half the reason I think the poor kid came a little early but was still eight pounds."
There was a sad smile on her face as she reflected for a moment, "He was beautiful. A full head of hair that was so soft and fluffy. I have never seen such a chubby little newborn." Jo smiled as she remembered seeing her son for the first time, well after they cleaned him up. She'd instantly fallen in love with the little boy.
"I don't know if I was more relieved or hurt that I didn't have any visitors, not even my mom. The hospital tried to get a hold of her of course, I was a minor. Even then I knew I couldn't keep him but it was the hardest thing ever to let that little boy go," she said as she brushed more tears away with the back of her hand. Jo had never expected to love someone as much as she had that baby even with the circumstances.
Herc kissed her cheek and hugged her tightly for a moment, "What happened to him?"
Clearing her throat Jo went on, "A social worker came to talk to me the second day. She wanted to know what I was thinking, wanted to know if I had any stuff to even take care of a baby with and of course I didn't. The lady was amazing though, she didn't judge me she just tried to help. In the end she helped me decide to give the baby up for adoption. He would never have been safe had I kept him."
"My mom had been abusive before then but after she found out I was pregnant she got worse. I don't know why or what her thought process was but she was terrible, slapped me for no reason or pushed me out of her way all the time. I was afraid she'd hurt the baby if he went home with me and I was quickly approaching discharge so I had to decide."
A tear slipped down her face as she stared at nothing, "I knew it was for the best but it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Letting go of that little boy tore me apart but I knew he would at least go to someone who could give him a good life. I couldn't do that for myself let alone a tiny baby who needed someone to protect them."
Hugging her once more Herc shook his head. His own son hadn't exactly been planned but he remembered seeing him for the first time. It was an instant love that only a new parent knew. Having that moment trampled on by having to give up that love would definitely tear a person apart to say the least. Herc couldn't imagine how hard that must have been for her but his heart broke for her all the same.
"Do you know what happened to him after that?"
With a nod of her head Jo sighed, "I wasn't supposed to but the social worker lady felt bad for me and told me about the family who adopted him. They named him Dillon. They are great people. I promised I wouldn't bother the family and I never did but… I couldn't stop myself from going to see what sort of people they were."
"They made it painfully obvious what I would never have been able to give him. Dillon deserved parents like them and I was happy. After that I checked in now and again to make sure he was doing good. He grew up quick and strong. He lost most of the baby fat and was starting to thin out the last time I saw him, he looks more like me I think than his dad," she said softly.
Giving her a smile Herc nodded, "I bet he does. Dark hair, light eyes like you? He's handsome I bet."
Jo laughed softly and nodded her head, "He definitely is. Going to be a handful too but they are good to him and you can tell they love him. It's been almost two years since I've seen him."
"It doesn't matter what Peter threatens I would never tell him where Dillon is. He only wants to use the boy," she said wiping the last of her tears away as she looked at Herc with a determination he didn't doubt for a moment. He had a feeling she would take her son's location to the grave with her and he wasn't about to let it go that far.
"Well to start we can keep him from stepping foot in the shatterdome again. Jo I'm with you, I'm here for you," he said as he squeezed her gently.
Looking tired suddenly Jo nodded her head, "I know you are Herc and it means a lot to me. I can't hide in the shatterdome all the time but it's a start until I figure out what to do next." She leaned into Herc as she closed her eyes feeling exhausted physically and emotionally after the day she'd had.
Herc hugged her tightly and then cupped her face in his hand, "Let me help, don't shut me out… that's all I ask. I understand some things are things you have to do yourself but I can still help. I don't want to see you hurt again Jo, please don't try to take care of all of this on your own."
He got a smile and a small nod before she kissed his lips, "Ok."
