Hello my lovely readers ! if your here and reading this thank you so much for coming back to this ...it's took a while for my ideas to come back to me and it definite wouldn't have happened with out the help from the lovely eastendersfan444 so thank you ! I am to post the rest of this at least once a week (LIFE IS HECTIC) so without further ado here's the chapter ...tissues may be needed !
Previously In Damaged Goods :
"For god's sake Joe…" I leaned over to him and pressed my lips against his, savouring every little morsel of emotion in it. I pulled away and captured his face with my hands. "has anyone told you talk too much? Because you do sometimes you need to shut up and listen."
He smirked at me and wrapped his arm around my waist "and what exactly do I need to listen to?"
"Me. I was trying to tell you that I forgive you and love you and miss you and that you could kiss me."
"Hmmm I should really listen shouldn't I?" He asked drawing his head closer to mine again.
My arms draped around his neck and locked there as he kissed me softly once more. "You really should"
Joey's POV
There was an awkward cough from the doorway as Me and Lauren pulled away from the kiss.
"Oh don't mind me…it's not like this is my office or anything" Uncle Jack spoke with laughter and almost smugness in his voice. I smiled back to him, but ever one to get embarrassed; Lauren dropped her head to my chest, making sure to hide her flaming face. Jack moved around the office and casually sat at his desk, seemingly ignoring our presence and the situation he walked in on. He remained quiet for a few minutes before looking up from his paper work. "Oh sorry did interrupt you?"
"Well maybe just a little Uncle Jack" I smiled running my hand over Laurens head, my fingers brushing through her hair.
"Go on then go do whatever you're going to do…" Jack shooed us from the office shooting a wink in my direction as Lauren fled from the room and towards the door. I was expecting her to have gone through the door and to not have waited for me. But she hadn't, as I reached the door she nervously reached out and laced her fingers through mine. I assured her that this was exactly what I wanted and squeezed her hand.
"Come on"
*JL*JL*JL*
"I think I want to go and talk to Dad." She said softly as we sat on the war memorial eating a tray of chips between us. I looked up and saw her eyes shining, they were slightly glazed and guessed she was near on tears again.
"If and only if you're sure that that's what you want?" she sniffed and popped another chip into her mouth, but nodded slightly in response to my question. "Ok, then we'll go"
"On my own" she whispered seconds later looking back down to the floor. She bit on her nails and I couldn't help but smile, it was a telltale sign she was nervous. I understood why she wanted to go on her own but, after everything I didn't think it was the cleverest of ideas, especially not after the run in they'd had the other day.
"Babe, do you really think that's such a good idea, I mean, you and your Dad have a rocky relationship are you really in the right place to take what he has to say to you?" I reached out and took her hand in mine "Because I know he's your dad and everything, but the last time you saw him you ended up running to the Vic and into the arms and Vodka."
I saw a tear drop down her cheek, the back of her hand quickly brushing it away, trying to hide the fact she was crying. "I just don't want you getting hurt again babe…you have people to support you, Uncle Jack, Ronnie …Me" her head turned back to me, she looked so defeated.
"And do I ? Have you…" her voice was a soft whisper, the emotional wobble was more than present.
"You have me Lauren, I promise this time, things will be different, they'll be better." I sighed and decided I needed to take the risk and be honest with her from the start, this was a new beginning for me, for us. "I know we both want to be together and that we love each other right?" to my relief she nodded quickly. "So we need to do things differently. I want to make sure you aren't going to get hurt"
"I know you won't hurt me Joey"
"You don't babe…I don't know if things are going to suddenly take a turn for the worst and you're going to feel like you need the alcohol again" I saw her face drop as she shook her head. "But, I'm going to try my hardest to make sure that doesn't happen. We're going to take things slowly, we're going to go on dates" Lauren giggled next to me and I knew she wasn't taking this as badly as I was expecting her too. "I'm going to take you out and we're going to do the things we never did the first time around. We're going to fall in love all over again" her big brown eyes looked up at mine and could see the soft smile tugging at her lips. "You're going to come to me, when you feel like you need to drink, because I will be there."
"You promise me?" she asked, I nodded and pulled her into a hug "Because I'm going to need you Joey, I'm not better…not really. I'm far from it, there's not a day gone by where the thought of drinking hasn't infiltrated my mind. It's all around me. The temptation is there 24/7. It's the first thing I crave in a morning and the last thing I want of a night, one single drop could kill me and sometimes I actually think that would be ok, just as long as long as I got to taste the alcohol again. You have no Idea what that feels like Joey…"
And she was right I didn't know. Before, I was stupid enough it was just Lauren being Lauren, being stubborn and rebellious. But god It was so much more than that. It was heart breaking to see how scared she was that her addiction was killing and in my head I knew she needed me now more than ever. Lauren was always going to be an alcoholic, I knew that now and as much as I killed me to admit I caught the tiniest of glimpses of how she might be feeling.
"Your right baby I don't know, you'll have to tell me…"
"Tell you what?" she asked throwing the chip wrapper in the bin to the side of us.
"What it feels like , how it makes you feel … why you drank" she stared at me and I could see the tears building, yet again. Even in the dull light I could her face pale at my request. "You know you can trust me don't you?" She nodded weakly.
"It's not that I don't trust you Joey… your probably one of the only people I still trust"
"Then why?"
"I'm scared." Briefly, her eyes flickered to mine and I frowned "I'm scared that if you know the reasons you'll leave, I've just got you back and I don't think I could bear to lose you again Joey." I took a deep breath in, reaching over to turn her face to look at me.
"I promise you, with everything I have, I'm not going anywhere" it felt like a life time before she nodded and rested her head (a little cautiously) on my shoulder. It reminded me so much of the time we were together in the park, the first time I'd told her I loved her. Back when things seemed so much more simple and easy. I guess we were naïve think what we were doing wouldn't have its consequences, not a second do I regret anything though, the only thing I'd change would be to make sure Lauren wouldn't be hurt in the process. Reflecting my actions from that day I pace my lips my lips softly to her forehead; leaving them there as she breathed in.
"Like air…" she breathed out in a complacent voice.
"What babe?"
"You asked me what it made me feel like…the alcohol, it makes me feel like air. Weightless. Free from everything, everyone." I tightened my arm around her and let her continue, my words would have seemed insignificant at that point. She shifted a fraction closer to my embrace, her one hand reaching for my free one. "Growing up Mum and Dad always rowed, they didn't seem to realize they had a kid. It just got worse and worse over the years and as soon as I tasted alcohol for the time I felt different. I liked it, I like the feel it gave me and the taste. I guess back when I was 17 I didn't really realize how much I actually did like it."
"Quite a bit ay babe?" I asked softly getting a nod in response.
"Ye... Alcohol took away the shyness, paralysing self-consciousness. It gave me a warm and happy new feeling that freed me up to do anything. I danced at parties, yelled in the street, sang on buses, hitch-hiked across London, talked to strangers, no fear of anything. I loved it. I thought it helped me to be the real me."
"That's not who you are Lauren…" I reassured her
"Isn't it ?" I shook my head, that wasn't her, I knew it wasn't. The real Lauren was a scared, fragile girl who was wanting to feel loved and wanted. "How can you be so sure Joey ? because quite frankly I don't even know who I am anymore"
"Mum's Cancer was the biggest player in it all…I think. For once I felt like I was needed, that she could trust me, she actually told me she was proud of me" She scoffed and rolled her eyes "that was actually the last time she told me she was proud of me."
"What happened from there ?"
" I kept It a secret and it killed me, it was so hard to watch her suffer and not be able to talk to anyone about it. But then She stopped having treatment, became the Mum from hell; so I became the child from hell. Went out drinking every night I could, got completely hammered and woke up on so many occasions in god knows who's bed with disgusting random men. I felt used and dirty. I couldn't talk to Mum about it so I just drank and drank and drank. I didn't have any logical reason it was purely to get lost from the real world" I wiped the tears from her cheeks and to be honest was getting upset myself. I really hit hard what she'd been through. I hated the thought of her with all those vile people who used her.
"Baby…I think you've said enough tonight ay ? I'll take you back to Jacks, you can tell me the rest tomorrow"
"No…I'd rather say it all now if you don't mind, I don't think I'd be willing to start again tomorrow" I Nodded and let her carry on. "Things hit a major low when Dad came back. Things got too much for me and I exploded told everyone Mum had Cancer and I forced Dad back to come and sort things out. Obviously it didn't work, I drank more then, because I wasn't needed. Then was My 18th birthday where I got epically drunk and Mum and Dad were ashamed of me. I did get my act together for a while though. I went back to college and spent the summer volunteering. Then, well then you showed up"
She looked at me smiling a genuine grin. "I showed up and what?" said smirking
"You know what…I fell in love with you" her smile suddenly dropped and she sighed "Then we made a mess of things and I did the only thing I knew… I turned to Alcohol"
"Ye and I'm to blame for that Lauren, I pushed you to it"
"Maybe… but it was still my choice. The lies and everything won and I lost you and myself. Ye we got back together, but it wasn't under the best of circumstances was it ? I mean you were willing to face prison for me Joey, something I could never understand. It was my fault, I was drunk, like always."
"Because I love you Lauren, there was no way I was letting you go to prison ."
"Well I'm very happy it didn't come to either of us going to prison." Her smile was teasing a little. I could feel her body getting closer to mine as the air started to chill and the last of the sun faded. "You saw everything that happened after that…I kept drinking, you couldn't cope with me and you shouldn't have had to, we broke up and I got ill"
"Babe you nearly died…" I sighed, she got way more than ill.
"I know…" I could see her ponder over her thoughts, I guess it was a big thing for her to be talking to me like this, I know for sure, we'd never talked this and I could only assume she'd very rarely been listen too either.
"I was so scared Lauren… I thought I'd lost you. I know I didn't get to see you but you scared me so much. When you were missing, I spent the day; despite what Max and Tanya had said, looking for you, and then I got back to the square and Al said you were in hospital just thought the worst. I thought she's gone and I'm never going to get to say sorry and to tell her I love her. I came to the hospital and your Mum and Dad told me to go. Then when you were home I came to see you and Abi…"
"Told you to go, I know. I didn't know you came to the hospital, I wish Mum had let you see me. You were all I wanted. I wanted to day sorry and I didn't blame you and I really wanted to say bye to you the day I left, but it was kind of fast and I guess it was for the best"
"I'm glad you went and thought about yourself for once, you needed to get better for you Lauren and I know you're always going to want the drink but I want you to know, you have me any time, day or night, you need me I'll be there. Ok ?"
She nodded at me and kissed my cheek in a sweet, soft kiss. "I think I want to go back to Jacks, please?"
"of course, come on" I stood and held my hand out, pulling her up gently.
*JL*JL*JL*
"Joey?"
"Ye?" I looked at her as she paused before the door to the flat
"Thank you" she smiled fiddling with the key between her fingers. I took a step forward and tucked her hair behind her ear.
"anytime"
"I'll hold you to that" she grinned opening the door
"You better!"
