xii. Regret
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Lost in thoughts of the past, Mikan stared out the window. She'd tried to immerse herself in the newest publication by Arthur Conan Doyle, but her thoughts kept on straying. She's arrived in London two days ago, and hadn't yet ventured outside. She was back for the first time in three years, and even though she hoped the high society of London had forgotten about her by now, she wanted to be sure the water was clear before she left the house. Or rather, she wanted to be sure Natsume Hyuuga wasn't in town anymore.
Natsume Hyuuga. Mikan's only regret. He was the only man she'd ever loved, the only one she'd ever wanted, and the one she'd left behind. Despite their mutual feelings, she had done the right thing and left his town, so he could get over her and find a new love. It wasn't that she felt sorry for herself, because the certainty that she had done the right thing gave her solace. However, she wasn't insusceptible to nostalgia and to missing him.
Travelling Europe with her best friend, Hotaru Imai, had kept her busy, and distracted her in the last few years, and she led a fairly happy and content life. And yet. Being back in London had triggered all the memories, all the emotions, all the love she'd thought buried. Passing by the town house her family and her had resided in during their one season in London, where her father had passed away. Passing by the Hyde Park where she and Natsume used to meet up in secret.
At the moment, she was staying in the Imai's townresidence. The Imai's were old nobility, who had fallen out of grace some decades ago, when a relative of Hotaru's had been involved in murder. Consequently, the family moved away to the countryside and never came to London if they could help it. However, since Hotaru's parents had passed away a few years ago, and she had no siblings, Hotaru, like Mikan, had inherited everything. Everything consisted, next to a few properties, of a considerable amount of money they used to travel and lead the life they both wanted. Mikan and Hotaru were as close as sisters, and shared everything. So of course Hotaru knew about the Natsume affair. As far as Mikan knew, she was the only one besides her and Natsume. Unless he had told anyone, but Mikan was sure that was not the case.
Sighing, Mikan closed the book in her lap, and stood up, stretching. She wore a plain grey dress. Even though she hadn't been in mourning for years, she still preferred to wear dark colors, and it supported the lie she sometimes told that she was a young widow. Walking over to the window, she closed the curtains, and was just about to ascend the stairs leading to her room, when a valet approached her and announced a visitor.
"Who is it?" she asked, expecting the valet to give her the visitor's card. "He wouldn't say, ma'am." he told her.
"His card, then?" she inquired.
"He didn't give me one."
Curious, Mikan decided to receive the mysterious visitor. She told herself that surely it couldn't be Natsume. Waiting in the saloon, she picked up an embroidery to give her fidgeting hands something to do. When she heard steps approaching her, she looked up. The words she had planned to welcome the visitor with died in her throat. Her lips parted slightly. Standing before her, the man looking down at her, was Natsume Hyuuga.
"Well." he said, in lieu of a greeting. Mikan hastily got up, and closed the saloon's door to prevent spying eyes and ears from intruding. "Mr. Hyuuga, how pleasant to see you." she replied, turning her back to him, and doing her best to keep her voice from shaking. "How may I be of assistance?"
"Stop that." he instructed, sounding furious. "Call me Natsume." Mikan ignored him, and went on conversationally, still trying to compose herself. "What brings you here, Mr. Hyuuga?" She looked up when she heard him striding over to where she stood, looking grim.
"So, you've heard, I assume. And you came to intervene? If I'd known how easy it was to lure you out, I would have done it earlier, of course. You're a damn hypocrite, Mikan." He sounded angry and smug as the same time. Bewildered, Mikan looked up, her eyes meeting his. "I don't understand." she said, furrowing her brows.
"You understand, all right. Just when I've found new happiness, you turn up here and decide to destroy it, like you always destroy everything." Despite his harsh tone, he extended his hand and grabbed hers, intertwining their fingers. Mikan had trouble breathing. Trying to extricate her hand, she took a step back. "I am sorry to inform you, Mr. Hyuuga, that I fail to grasp your meaning. Mayhaps it would be better for you to leave." Her voice sounded polite, but strained.
Looking up to his face again, she saw Natsume smirk. "Am I unsettling you?" he asked, his voice smooth and flirtatious. "You flatter yourself." Mikan retorted, trying to appear dignified. Locking their gazes, he slowly raised their joined hands to his mouth and kissed hers. Mikan exhaled shakily, and as much as she wanted to look away, she couldn't. Feeling his lips on her skin almost made her go mad.
New resolve overcame her when she recalled what he'd said earlier. "Would you please enlighten me, Mr. Hyuuga, what you meant when you referred to that new source of happiness you found? I am intrigued." Her voice sounded breathy but clipped, and with some force she managed to extricate her hand from his. She hadn't suffered all these years just to be roped back in now.
He stared at her, his eyes scrutinizing. "It isn't of importance now, my love." he whispered, coming closer.
"It is, too, Natsume. Do you...are you implying that...you have found someone new you wish to share your life with?"
Only too late did Mikan realize she had slipped and fallen back into old habits. Natsume's smiled at her usage of his Christian name. He didn't even acknowledge what Mikan said and came closer still, until their chests nearly touched.
Feeling panic, dismay and anticipation rising within her, she backed away as far as she could manage, until the backs of her legs crashed into a chaise lounge and she fell into it, on to her back. Natsume climbed onto the chaise lounge, his body looming over hers, lowering it down, his face inching closer to hers, their breath mingling.
"We can't." Mikan protested weakly, but longing for his touch, for their skin to collide, wishing for what she had been forsaken for so long. "You came back for this, right?" he muttered, taking a strand of her hair, which had come undone out of its hold, and which had grown a few inches during the previous years, and kissed it. "You know that's not it." she answered, and couldn't take her eyes of his heaving chest. Extending her hand, she put it on his heart. She felt it beating, fast, as if it wanted to escape his chest and finally be joined with hers.
"Please let us reminisce together." Natsume's proposal sounded tempting, and Mikan knew she was close to giving into it. The little resolve she had managed to cloak herself in was fast melting. He moved his mouth close to her ear, and touched his mouth to the spot where her neck met her jaw. Mikan drew her breath in shakily, trembling. "Natsume." she breathed. "Oh, my love." She moved her arms around his neck and pulled his head into the crook of her neck, where he rested it.
They laid like this for a few minutes, which went by fleetingly fast. Their breathing calmed, and Mikan closed her eyes, her hands tenderly caressing his back.
She was in heaven, she was in bliss. Wrongly. From Natsume's earlier rambling she had gathered that his wedding, or something of the like, was imminent. And that she should leave after their encounter. She would tell him so shortly, she just wanted to hold him for a little while longer. A little while...
The door was flung open, crashing into the wall, and Hotaru strode in. Upon seeing the two of them, she rolled her eyes, and pointed her finger at Natsume. "You! Get off of her." Natsume sat up, and stared at the black-haired girl. He looked unabashed. "And who are you?" he drawled, got up, and extended his hand toward Mikan. Instead of taking it, she got up herself and moved closer to Hotaru. She was glad and crushed at the same time. She wanted more than anything to touch him again, but she was relived someone else had made this decision for her. Her resolve was back up, and with each step she took away from Natsume, she put a distance between them, that seemed insurmountable. She took Hotaru's hand and gave her a waning smile. Mikan wasn't angry with her friend, only thankful. Hotaru pursed her lips, but Mikan saw concern flash in her eyes.
"Leave." Hotaru instructed Natsume, and turned to exit the saloon. She wasn't a person of many words. "Wait, you can't just end things like this again!" Natsume's voice cracked, and Mikan swallowed to keep from doing something rash. Hotaru gave her hand a squeeze, as if she could tell how much all of this pained Mikan.
"We're leaving tonight. Don't bother trying to stop us. You will forget what has happened. Don't come back here. I understand you are otherwise committed." Hotaru's voice was formal, allowing no resistance.
"Mikan." Natsume's voice sounded tired, broken. Tears welled up in Mikan's eyes. This was three years ago all over again. It had torn her apart then, and it was tearing her apart now.
"Please leave, Natsume. It's for the best."
Hotaru led her upstairs, and Mikan heard Natsume walk to the door, opening it, and leaving. She bit down heard enough on her lip to draw blood. The pain cleared her head. "You'll want to see this, Mikan." Hotaru handed her something. A paper. Mikan stared at Hotaru, not understanding what she was trying to tell her. Being pointed at a short passage at the bottom of the first page, she read:
Natsume Hyuuga, Duke of Nottinghamshire
is to be wed to
Nobara Ibaragi, Daughter of Count and Countess of Woodberry
the coming Saturday,
at 12:00 o'clock
in the St. Michael's Church.
The couple invites everyone who considers themselves friends and family.
Below the announcement was a short article.
The happy couple, who are set to leave for their honeymoon immediately following the ceremony, will be wed in the midst of only the most exclusive members of society, as both are wealthy and belong to prestigious families. Hyuuga, who has by many been regarded as the most eligible bachelor of all of London, and who has been rumoured to have abjured love some years ago, following the rumoured falling-out with a lover, is quoted to be"incredibly happy". Many an observer has expressed their surprise at the sudden ceremony, which was announced a mere month ago.
"Natsume Hyuuga has never been the type to rush things." A source tell us. "He must be deeply in love with Ms. Ibaragi if he is willing to do away with his principle in such a fashion." An expert reported. "Who knows what's really behind their sudden wedding. Maybe they are in a rush to create a family? Anyhow, that remains to be seen in nine months."
Dropping the paper to the floor, Mikan realized Hotaru had left the room, shutting the door behind her. Feeling faint, Mikan walked to the window and pulled it open, needing the fresh air to cool her head. She had made a terrible mistake today, she knew. She needed to see Natsume again, only one more time, before he finally tied the knot. She needed to get it into her head that he was finally off limits, not hers anymore to love. The last three years had made her stronger, but she had allowed herself to think that maybe Natsume still harboured some feelings toward her. And he had. He did. She needed to face him one more time, to get this all out of her system. One last encounter to end it all. To break the chains that bound them. She would take good care not to come too close to him, not to be tempted. She was strong enough keep it short and simple, sparing the both of them a world of pain.
Under the guise of being sick, Mikan had slipped out the door of the house. She had been looking ill the last two days anyway, making her claim more plausible. Hotaru had left her alone for the most part; partly because Mikan had asked to be alone, partly because she wasn't the type to have heart-to-heart conversations.
Mikan was wearing an inconspicuous grey coat over an inconspicuous grey dress without much adornments. She had pulled her coat's hood deep into her face as she ascended the stairs to the church. She had attended some weddings here, even served as a bridesmaid once, so she knew her way around. She was confident no one was here yet, seeing as the wedding was over three hours away.
She went through a door in the back of the church that led to some rooms that promised privacy. The groom usually had time to prepare himself in one of them, though Mikan wasn't sure in which. Entering one of the rooms, her breath caught in her throat. She had walked into the bride's chambers. A snow-white wedding gown hung from a mirror. Her lips parted as she approached it. She couldn't help imagine herself wearing it.
Mikan told herself she would have looked ridiculous wearing it, it was much too lacy. The whole body and the sleeves were adorned with lace, the veil looked like it was at least five meter in length, and studded with diamonds. Allowing herself to touch it, her fingers trailed along the rim of the neckline.
"You would look gorgeous wearing it." Wincing, Mikan turned around, to see Natsume standing two steps behind her. She hadn't heard him entering. Wetting her lips, she said "You scared me half to death, Natsume, no need to sneak up on me."
Smirking, he regarded her. "I knew you couldn't stay away, that you would come back one last time to speak to me. Been waiting for you all morning. You really took your time. You just can't stay away from me, can you?"
Scowling, Mikan took a deep breath. "Don't make this harder than it needs to be, Natsume. I just came to clear the table, you see? I didn't know you were getting married this week, so I wouldn't have returned here. I was under the illusion that you would have left London, I don't even know what I thought. Seeing you completely threw me off, and it probably threw you off too. I just wanted to see you once more, to leave all this behind me. I thought I'd done so three years ago, but apparently I hadn't, and this time it's final. I promise I will never look at you again, after today. Never touch you again, never speak to you again. Can you forgive me for coming here, and making a mess of things?"
She looked up; during her speech she'd looked everywhere but at him. She discovered him gazing at her fondly.
"I gathered that you didn't know about my impending nuptials. But it doesn't matter now. Seeing you again only proved to me what I'd almost managed to convince myself wasn't true. I still love you, I still want you. I would call this wedding off for you in an instant. I can forgive you for coming here, and I can forgive you for the mess you made. But I can't forgive you for promising to never touch me again, to never look at me the way again you do. I want to touch you more than anything, and I love you."
His words hung in the air between them. Mikan found it hard to take all of this in. Collecting her thoughts, she resolved that she had better leave now before things went out of control again. "You need to go through with the wedding. You can't call it off, it wouldn't be fair to anyone. You need to move on, my love. You need to leave me behind. I'm leaving now, and I promise, you'll never see me again after today. Goodbye."
Mikan made to move to the door, not even taking the time to observe how he'd react to her words. However, Natsume stepped into her way. Mikan refused to look up, to meet his gaze, her eyes fixed on the floor.
She felt his touch, the touch of his hand, on her chin. Natsume lifted it, and their eyes looked. Mikan was breathing heavily, her lips felt dry, like paper. She wet them, but that hadn't been a very smart move, because now Natsume's eyes locked on her mouth.
Shaking her head, Mikan backed away. Her mouth formed words now, but her eyes didn't break the contact with Natsume's. She wanted this. She wanted him. Who was she deluding? She craved his touch.
She only stopped when she felt the cold wall behind her. Leaning against it, she let her gaze travel up and down Natsume's body. He was wearing a dress shirt and dress pants.
Approaching her, Natsume stopped just short of her feet. They were barely touching. "We can't." Mikan managed.
"When has that ever stopped us?" he replied.
This time, it was Mikan who initiated it. With a frantic, desperate sound she had never before heard herself make, she pounced on him. Throwing her arms around his neck, she forcefully pressed her lips to his. Their kiss was raw, passionate, and filled with the anguish both of them had built up over the last years. Natsume's hands explored her body, and she felt giddy with happiness and excitement. Burying her hands in his hair, she let his mouth wander. It kissed her jaw, her neck, her earlobe. She moaned when he sucked on her skin, his tongue teasing her. His fingers dug into her dress, and she wanted to wrap herself around him, wanted to take all of him in.
"I love you." she breathed, when he took off her cloak and kissed the skin along her neck line. "I know, my heart. I know." Her fingers fumbled with the button of his dress shirt, slowly opening each of them.
One by one, they discarded of their clothes, until both wore nothing, and Mikan's chest pressed flush against his. His hands were still exploring her body, and Mikan moaned when they hit sensitive spots.
"We should lock the doors." she said, out of breath. "There's no one here." he returned, and with his help, Mikan wrapped her legs around his waist, her back pressed against the wall. "I haven't felt so good in years." she confessed, her fingers stroking his skin. "I know." Natsume said again, between kisses.
"Never let me go." Mikan whimpered, her back arching, her lids falling shut. "I won't." he promised, and intertwined their fingers.
Their breath calmed somewhat, going in unison, but they stayed in the same position. Slowly, reality started to dawn on Mikan.
"Oh god, what have we done?" she moaned, resting her forehead on his shoulder. "The right thing." His voiced sounded languid. "You don't really believe that, do you? You're getting married in a few hours." Disentangling herself from him, she picked up her chemise and her stays, pulling them over her head.
Natsume looked unconcerned. "It was a nice wedding present, at least." He inspected the scratches Mikan's fingernails had left on the skin of his arms. Beginning to button Natsume's dress shirt for him, Mikan looked up at him. "I hope you know that it makes us both horrible people that we copulated on your wedding day. Your wedding to an other woman!"
Shrugging, he replied "We are horrible people who are in love, Mikan. And we didn't copulate. We consummated your love."
Turning her back to Natsume so he could fasten her dress's buttons, she laughed. She couldn't believe that this was happening. That this had just happened. And she couldn't believe she was laughing today, which was arguably one of the worst days of her life.
"I didn't know you could be so maudlin, Natsume." she teased him, and felt him kiss the small patch of skin below her hair not covered by her dress. "Only for you." he breathed. Turning around to face him, she smoothed his hair, which stuck from his head every which way.
Natsume pulled her close to him, but not like before, ravished by passion, but tenderly, like he savored the feel of her body next to his. Mikan took a deep breath, trying to memorize his smell; a mixture of leather, his cologne, and his soap. He pressed her close to him, like he never wanted to let her go, and they swayed slightly back and forth, as if dancing to a melody only they could hear.
"I guess congratulations are in order." Mikan murmured against his neck, smiling sadly. "Why is that?" he replied, lost in thought, playing with her hair.
"You're getting married today."
"Great, thanks for reminding me." he retorted sardonically, and even though Mikan knew she should feel sad, she couldn't at that moment. She felt happy for now, even though she knew it wouldn't last. Overcome by a sudden impulse, she cupped his face, kissed him once, and said "I love you." She kissed him again. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Don't ever forget that. Although you probably should." Sighing, she gave him one last kiss, trying to take a step back, but Natsume wouldn't budge. "Don't leave just yet, my love." he begged.
"I need to. Time is running out. People will soon show up, and what would they say if they found us like this, in a state of undress, looking disarranged, and like we just did what we did?" Mikan reasoned, but gave in to his arms, and slumped against his shoulder, all her determination leaving her body.
"I don't care. Let them see."
"That would be very foolish. Now, time to say goodbye. Enough time spent reminiscing." She pressed one last kiss to his mouth, fought against his steel grip, and eventually felt him letting his arms drop. She kissed both his hands, as he said "I could call the wedding off. I could..." Gently, Mikan laid a finger to his lips to stop him from talking. "Hush. You know you can't. Thinking about it won't help, it will only make you bitter. Think about your fiance, how she would look. And how it would reflect on you. I know you want to go back on your word now, but you're an honorable man, you will come to regret it. Besides that, you know a gentleman can't break off an engagement, it is forbidden, and just not done. Don't look at me like that!" Mikan exclaimed, pained. "I know what this means for us. But I made my decision three years ago. "
This time, it was Natsume who kissed her hands. Then he took something out of his pocket and put it into her hand. It was a ring. "Natsume! You can't..."
"I want you to have it. It was my mother's. Please take it, it would mean the world to me." Smiling, Mikan nodded and kissed the ring. "Promise me only one thing, don't come to the ceremony. Promise you won't come!"
But they could hear steps in the hallway leading to the room. Locking the door, Natsume surveyed the room. "Sorry, you have no other choice but to exit through the window."
"How unladylike-like of me." Mikan remarked, opened the window and, after ascertaining no one was there, she climbed through. Turning back one more time, Mikan saw Natsume watch her through the window, motionless, a look of devastation and pain on his face. Sending him a little wave with her hand, she took off.
The church was now quickly filling. Mikan sat in the pew that was the most removed from the altar. She wore a hat with a veil attached to it, to hide her face. She hadn't changed her clothes since earlier, only wanderer though the city and bought the hat. She swallowed, her mouth dry.
She was the only one sitting in her pew, so she was surprised when someone sat down next to her. Even more surprised still, when the person leaned over, and whispered "You fool." into her ear. Looking up, Mikan recognized Hotaru, giving her a small smile. "What brings you here?" she inquired, even though she knew perfectly well. "Looking out for my best friend." was Hotaru's curt reply. Following it, she turned to the front, where Natsume now stood. She didn't say any more, but she took Mikan's hand in hers, and squeezed it tightly.
Minutes passed by, and Mikan felt as if under water. She hardly heard what was being said, her eyes focused on Natsume, who didn't once turn around. That could be me, she realized. If I had taken him up on his offer all those years ago.
Forcing herself not to wallow in self-pity, she tried to catch was the pastor officiating was saying. Her eyes slid over to Nobara Ibaragi, who was looking stunning in her gorgeous dress. She was the prettiest women Mikan had ever seen, with flawless, snow-white skin, big, blue eyes rimmed with long lashes, and a cascade of hair that tumbled down her back like water. She could see what had drawn Natsume to her. She looked a little bit like Mikan herself, and there was an air of clumsiness around her. Mikan couldn't hate her if she wanted to. She willed that she would be happy.
Tuning back in to what the pastor said, she heard him utter the fateful words; the wedding vow was commencing.
"I, Nobara Ibaragi, take thee, Natsume Hyuuga, to be my lawful wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth." Upon hearing these words, some of the women around Mikan burst into tears, dabbing at their eyes with silken hankies. After Nobara had stopped speaking, Mikan's eyes slid over to Natsume, who was standing stiff at the altar, looking like he would rather be anywhere else but here.
Mikan's lips parted slightly once Natsume's started reciting his vows, and she felt tears welling behind her eyes. "I, Natsume Hyuuga, take thee, Nobara Ibaragi to be my lawful wedded Wife..." Natsume's voice broke, and he looked up, almost as if he could hear Mikan, who sat at the back of the church, stifling her sobs, and feelings as if her heart was being ripped out of her chest. "...to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health,.."
Mikan was glad she was wearing her veil, so Natsume couldn't see the pain on her face, the pain she was unable to mask and hide. Pressing her nails into the soft skin of her neck, she managed to concentrate on the last words Natsume uttered, without being inundated by the desperation and hopelessness she felt. She felt his name bubble up in her throat, and opened her lips slightly to let a whisper pass her lips. "Natsume." she breathed.
"... to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth."
Everyone in the church got up and clapped, while Natsume squeezed Nobara's hand and gave a tight smile. Inconspicuous, Mikan got up and exited the church unseen, the tears drying on her face, her back straight. She was done crying after him now. Her life had to go on. She couldn't mourn a love she only could desire from afar, and what good would it do? No, she couldn't turn the pain off, but she could fight it. She resented her weakness, she needed to get her emotions out of her system, needed to overcome her frailty. No use crying over spilled milk.
With squared shoulders, Mikan resolved to only look forward from now one. Linking her arms with Hotaru's, who showed up behind her, she gave her a fleeting smile.
"Whereto next, my friend?" she asked, taking her hat off, letting the sun caress her face, and fixing it with a hanky she found in her reticule.
Smiling wryly, Hotaru considered her words for a while, the she suggested "How about France? Or Greece? We sure would benefit from a warmer climate."
"Greece sounds marvellous." Mikan acquiesced, and after peeking over her shoulder at the church they were fast leaving behind for the last time, she faced forward and wished Natsume all the best.
A/N: Wow. Can anyone say cheesy? The melodrama! And I know the ending is kind of sad, but it isn't all sad, but rather bitter-sweet. I was considering ending it on a sad note, but I didn't want Mikan, a strong woman, spending her whole life crying after a man. She has Hotaru by her side, and there would be no use wasting her youth mourning a love that didn't pan out. She saw Natsume's wedding as what it was, an end to something that wasn't meant to be. This was kind of inspired by Persuasion, but even though I love Anne Elliot, I didn't want Mikan to be so bitter about if all. I know, the transition from sad to happy was a little fast and not very smooth, but Mikan kind of shed all her bitterness once she left the church. She needed to see Natsume saying yes to relinquish all her hopes and wishes. So, character development, but not very well done. As usual, I might write a follow-up at some point, if it strikes my fancy. This kind of borders on m-rated territory, but it's not graphic or explicit, so it should be okay. Though it's still the most graphic sex scene I've ever penned down. Please excuse all the melodrama and cheese, but I needed it to get out of my system, soo...
Thanks for the reviews, and also for the follows; I always appreciate either.
Written 10/2013
