This chapter was a rough one for me to write for some reason. Hope it's still up to par. :-)


Gillian had gone home to shower and change before heading to the office. She promised that she'd make it an early day if possible and would be back to check on him in the afternoon.

Melancholy settled into him as soon as the door closed behind her. Her radiance and love left with her leaving him feeling like he existed in a vacuum. He decided to go back to bed. It wasn't long that he found himself slipping into an uneasy sleep.

His dreams were dark and foreboding, always ending with a bullet removing part of someone's head in a spray of blood, brain matter and skull fragments. Sometimes it was the big man in the house, other times it was himself. This time it was even worse.

Cal awakened violently, every muscle clenching in panic, causing pain to bolt through his shoulder. He didn't even try to bite back the groan. Breathing hollowly, sweat coated his body, as his thin t-shirt to adhered to him. Yes, it was definitely worse this time. Christ.

Trembling, he threw his legs over the side of the bed, waiting for his heart to stop knocking so uncomfortably hard against his ribcage.

After a few minutes, Cal got unsteadily to his feet and just began to roam. The house seemed so much bigger all of a sudden. Big and empty. He knew he should be resting, his shoulder throbbed painfully to second the motion but he currently found it impossible. The nightmare was too fresh, too raw. He paced aimlessly. Found himself upstairs again, then downstairs, then in his study wondering if he should work on the book. Decided that there was no way he could concentrate so he went into the living room. He picked a movie, popped it in and gave up after 15 minutes, tried some music and couldn't focus to even listen. Decided to make some tea.

Filling the kettle, he placed it on the burner before slumping onto one of the barstools to wait.

He'd come clean with Gillian. It had been both intoxicating and terrifying. Didn't seem like she was going to run for it, even though he still thought it would be in her best interest. He should be ecstatic but somehow he wasn't. Cal felt as if he were standing on a precipice while the darkness below beckoned. A shudder ran through him at the thought.

The sound of the cell phone pulled him from his inner ravings.

Not recognizing the number he answered with a simple "Lightman."

It was quiet at the other end but he could sense a presence, so he waited.

"Dr. Lightman."

Cal felt his stomach drop slightly. "Tanya." Clearing his throat, he sounded a little strained regardless. "How're you doing darlin'?"

There was a noise that could have been construed as a sob but she covered it up well. "I just wanted to - "

Hear your voice.

" – see if you were okay."

"I'm getting on and that."

"You don't sound so good."

"It's going slow."

She was silent for so long that he began to wonder if the call had dropped, then "I wanted to say that I'm sorry…for everything."
It was his turn to be quiet, his stomach felt hollow. "I know, luv."

Tanya's voice became low and rushed. "I have to go. Please take care of yourself." This time the sob wasn't hidden. Then she was gone.

Lowering it to the counter, his fingers hadn't even uncurled around the phone when it rang again. Gill.

Hesitating, he wondered how he'd sound to her. He didn't want to alarm her but he needed to hear her voice, so he decided to chance it.

"Hello luv."

"Hi Cal. Just wanted to check in. How are you feeling?"

How was he feeling? Like shit on many different levels, that's how he was feeling.

"I'm good darlin'."

"Sure?" She naturally sounded doubtful.

"Um, yeah. A little sore. Tired."
The words hung between them as Gillian frowned. He seemed almost cautious, even detached. Far cry from his playful, flirty mood this morning.

"Did you eat anything?"

"Yeah, I fixed myself something." He lied.

And she knew it, but decided to let it go. "Look Cal, I'm going to be hung up here a little longer than I thought, but I'll pick up something on the way back for you and Em.

It occurred to him that he had no idea what cases they were dealing with right now. He let out a quiet sigh. "Thanks luv."

Then she was gone too.

He lowered the phone slowly to the counter as the kettle whistled in the background. Blinking, he moved like an automaton as he fixed his tea.

What the hell was going on? He loved Gill in every possible way and yet he felt this pull toward Tanya. Maybe because she'd had it rough. Maybe because she was already tainted by the dark side of life. Maybe because she was more like…him. Somehow, he felt guilty as well, which didn't make any sense either. She was the one that betrayed him. Yet he felt no anger. Cal shook his head, his mind muddled.

His shoulder now hurt like hell. It hadn't taken kindly to his angst filled wandering. Without thinking twice, he grabbed his painkillers and popped a few, hoping that a drug induced slumber would cut back on the bad dreams.

Carefully stretching out on the couch, he stared vacantly at the ceiling until the meds kicked in and pulled him down into unconsciousness.

(BREAK)

He opened his eyes to a steadily darkening room. Disoriented, he wondered why Emily wasn't home yet. Then he saw him. Bill Kimler stood next to the couch, looking down at him from his full height. His eyes were milky in death, gore clung to his cheek and a large part of the back of his head was missing. Unable to find his voice, Cal shrank away as the big man leaned down and reached for his throat. Lips pulled back from teeth stained with dark blood as the meaty hands wrapped around their intended target…

He opened his eyes to a steadily darkening room to find another pair of brown ones staring down at him worriedly. Startled, body tensing in panic, he found himself merging sleep with reality for just a second before he visibly relaxed.

"Dad? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, luv." He pulled himself into a sitting position as Emily sat next to him.

At least it was a different nightmare. Lovely.

Glancing at the clock, he frowned. "Did you just get home? Kind of late isn't it?"

"Remember dad? I had study group."
He hadn't. "Oh."

"Bad dreams again?"

"What do you mean 'again'?"

"I live in this house dad. You think I'd honestly not notice?"

"Hoping you wouldn't." Cal grumbled at her, lightly teasing.

Emily just looked at him, raising her eyebrows. He wasn't looking very good again. Dark circles gave him an almost haunted appearance. She couldn't understand. He had seemed so peaceful this morning when Gillian was here and now it was like he was detaching again. Did something happen?

A soft knock at the door brought Emily back to her feet.

Cal slumped further into the couch and stared down at his hands.

Gillian bustled through the door with the smell of Thai food accompanying her. She crossed into the kitchen, placing the bags on the breakfast bar.

"Mmmm, that smells so good! Thank you!" Emily followed closely behind before passing the older woman and removing some plates from the cabinet. "What's on the menu?"

"Tried to say safe. Pad Thai, Pad See Ew and some curry for your dad. Sound okay?"

"Absolutely."

Gillian looked past Emily to the figure sitting in shadows on the couch before meeting the girl's eyes.

Emily gave a little shrug, mouth forming a line, forehead crinkled in worry.

Gillian crossed the room, turning on one of the lamps. "Cal?"

He was still staring at his hands. He pulled his eyes away with some difficulty. "Yeah, luv?"

Reaching down, she took his left hand in hers. "You need to eat something. After dinner, we talk."

He awkwardly climbed to his feet and obediently followed her into the kitchen.

(BREAK)

After dinner Emily went to her room for homework and music. She cast a long look over her shoulder at her father before heading up the stairs. He managed what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

It didn't work. She disappeared from view, frowning and biting the inside of her cheek. Cal stared after her, knowing she hadn't bought it but not able to do a single thing about it.

With a sigh, Cal turned toward Gillian who was openly studying him. She wore a similar expression to Emily and part of him felt guilty knowing he'd put it there. Part of him also felt angry that he felt so weak. That wasn't him. He could take on anything. What the hell had happened?

She was curled at the corner of the couch, feet beneath her as always. He was sprawled at the other end, wanting to move closer but unable.

Meeting her eyes finally, he cleared his throat. "Something on your mind luv?"

Not answering, she continued to drink him in, noting the dark shadows under his bloodshot eyes and the gauntness of his face. He looked as if he were in the throes of the mother of all hangovers.

"Have you thought about seeing a counselor?"

Not answering, he just gazed at her from half closed eyes.

He was happy to see her move a little closer before placing a hand on his arm. "I know that it's not something you would normally entertain, but…I see you spiraling and it scares me. And I know it scares Emily."

Her fingers gripped his forearm, the thumb massaging circles into his skin as she continued to meet his eyes. "We all could use some guidance sometimes. Even someone as strong as you."

Strong? Really?

"Not feeling particularly strong these days."

"I know, but you are." Gillian scooted even closer before reaching to touch the side of his face. "Lesser people would have crumbled already."

She was so warm. Her hands were warm as was the leg now pushed up against his.

"What makes you think I haven't?"

"Because I know you. You're shaky right now, I know that, but I really think if you talk to someone, it'll help."

"I can talk to you."

Her hand dropped from his face. "You know I can't do that."

He nodded, knowing the reasoning. Conflict of interest. Violates the code of ethics and so on. Very inconvenient.

"Alright."

The quick response surprised her. A brow crept upward in suspicion. Alright? It couldn't be that easy could it?

"Do you know of someone who I could possibly stand other than you?" A tiny teasing smile crossed his lips.

No, of course it couldn't be that easy.

Cal took advantage of her proximity to loop an arm around her shoulders. So warm. His body began to relax as she allowed herself to lean into him, her head dropping onto his good shoulder.

"I'll make some calls tomorrow and see what I can do."

Pressing his lips to her forehead, he could easily interpret the simple act of holding her therapy for him. All the anxiety of the day began to dissipate, at least for now. "Okay darlin'."