"I won't do that." - Meat Loaf

A/N: OMG! Real life has totally been kicking my ass! I'm so sorry I'm delaying so much between updates. I was updating twice a day for a little while and now just once a day!

Shout Outs!

Naya's Boobs - Motorboating? I told you in case you didn't know. You didn't know, so I told you. It's cool. :)

BrittzTana - I don't know what below means. Are you upside down?

insanedairyfarmer - You have the best name ever. Ever. Let's drink to that!

Guestley Guesterson - Okay. It's a ruler. It's long and wooden. It has numbers on it and a smooth metal edge. Sometimes Brittany measures things with it. Sometimes she keeps it in her specially designed pocket. Sometimes she uses it to kick ass. Sometimes she doesn't. Sometimes Santana holds her ruler. Sometimes Santana doesn't. Sometimes, when she's in History class, she uses her ruler to launch spit balls at the teacher. Sometimes she doesn't. The ruler's name is Stanley, but that's kind of a secret. Do you have any more specific questions about the ruler? I'll do my very best to answer them.

MegZoned - I wrote this story for all the people who had a ruler once. I'm so glad you told me. Please call 1-866-RULERPAST and talk to others who have also had rulers.

Meow - THIS FEELS LIKE A REAL BREAKUP!

K... Let's RECAP. I bet you don't remember everything that has happened. Santana and Brittany hate each other, but they also love each other. So much so that Santana was stealing money from Holly Holliday and Mr. Kidney's prostitution ring AND Will's Saturday night cock fights on Saturday nights to buy Brittany an engagement ring. It's beautiful too. Princess Cut and White Gold and 1 Karat. She doesn't have enough money for it yet, though. :(

Anyway, Brittany has a ruler. It's a 12 inch ruler. Santana's mom, Maribel Lopez, REALLY likes Brittany's ruler, but Britt's ruler is only for Santana. Actually, all the Lopez women really enjoy Britt's ruler. A lot. Including Grandma. Alma Lopez. Grandma is all kinds of wild. She killed Blaine with an icepick! Lucky she had it handy during their weekly poker games in the back of O'Malley's! Most people would have left it at home, but Alma was always taught to "Be Prepared." Just like a Boy Scout!

Brittany has a talking dog named Yodi. She got Yodi from Sister Mary Emily Emily Mary Sister at the convent she was chasing Puck to before she remembered there was a minister there that owed her money. Yodi is her moral compass. He says things like, "Let your heart be your guide, Brittany. Your heart will show you the way." Then Brittany usually threatens to kick his ass. She never does, though, because she loves Yodi. Yodi is her DAWG as well as her DOG.

Yodi even helped her take Tina's body to the river after the beam fell on her. Most people don't know that actually Tina isn't really dead. She swam to the other side of the river. Now she has amnesia, though. She thinks her name is Mercedes Jones. Tina is weird. Tina is so weird. And that explains why she wears sunglasses at night. She has the night blindness.

So last chapter, Emma and Will planned an ambush to get Brittany because Brittany knew about Santana's scheme to steal his money from Saturday night cock fights on Saturday night. So Brittany, dressed in her specially designed jeans with her specially designed pocket and her specially designed genuine leather jacket, which was made from genuine leather, and walked right into their trap! "It's a trap!" She happened to exclaim at the time. Not sure if you heard her though, she's generally a quiet, gentle soul really.

There was one chapter where Santana was British, too. But honestly, I think that was a dream that Tina/Mercedes/Rachel Faberry had while she was unconscious because I didn't even post that. I'm pretty sure somebody did it to frame me. There are people watching my house, like right now. That flower van hasn't moved for weeks. Surely the flowers would have died by now? I haven't seen anyone stealing water from anyone's front yard to water them. I'm certain they're on to me about this fic. They think I know too much. If anyone knows anything about RAY'S FLOWERS and ARRANGEMENTS please contact me immediately through a REVIEW!

So this is totally the end of the story, because I'm tired of writing. It's soooo taxing. BUT, I decided that just because I was tired of writing didn't mean you should be tired of reading! So I wrote THREE endings. THREE! Not one, not two, but THREE! YAY for me! So, basically you can just choose which ending you like best. This one has been so much fun to write! Definitely my favourite chapter so far, because let's face it, most of the chapters have been really shitty. BUT, this one makes me happy in the pants! Not as much as reviews do though. Reviews are the best. Reviews are like honey...Tina doesn't like reviews because she's weird.

Here's the first ending!

Brittany had to have a brain transplant. Her CIA operative parents who were also double agents with ties to the mob and were also in the Secret Service had uncovered Will and Emma's plot to ambush her just a bit too late, but they were able to fish her out of the river with a pole and a wiggly worm.

They had never met Santana, Brittany had only send them a composite drawing of her. So, unfortunately, when they did a line-up to try to identify her, they picked out a young woman named Emily Fields to tell that Brittany had a brain transplant and was recovering in a state of the art medical facility.

Emily Fields sent Brittany a really nice edible bouquet and a game of brain teasers. The two of them became very seriously romantically involved the entire time Brittany was in her medically induced coma.

Santana, thinking she had been hadn't been identified as the culprit who masterminded a large school prostitution ring, went home to wait for Brittany's arrival.

ONE YEAR LATER

Six months later, Santana was kicking back checking over the numbers for her college cheerleading prostitution ring when she felt some energy on her back. She turned around to find some fug chick smiling a weird gap tooth grin at her.

"Stop smiling that weird gap tooth grin at me, Fug."

"Call me that again, and I'll kick your ass"

Santana gasped dramaticly, "AHHH! Brittany?!"

"Well I'd hope so. No other sluts better be looking at my woman. I'd kick their asses"

"Oh, Brittany," Santana sprung out of her chair, "You must have had a brain transplant and have been in a state of the art medical facility recovering!"

"Obviously. There's no other logical explaination to my sudden appearence!"

"I've got just the thing for this," Santana said as she reached under her cheerleading top and pulled out a microphone. A band, complete with synthesizer playing Tina (A/N: I play the synthesizer in my spare time), materialized and the music for Cher's hit If I Could Turn Back Time filled the library.

Santana lifts the mircrophone, which still has the athletic tape on it, to her mouth. She blows into it a few times disrupting the librarian who comes to tell her to stop this madness, but Brittany kicks her ass.

"This is for Brittany. The girl I'm engaged to. (They got engaged in Chapter Five after they had all the sex. Santana was like, I love you will you marry me. And first Brittany was like, I don't know girl. I'll have to think about it. It's just a big decision and we're so young. Lemme talk to my CIA operative parents and make an informed decision. But then she said fuck all that and she would totally marry Santana) and who just got her brain transplanted into some fug chick. I can overlook the mug, babe. cuz i love you, even though i hated you before (Santana and Brittany hated each other. Then they loved each other. Now they're engaged. But then they got separated after an ambush. Now Brittany's brain is transplanted into some fug chick) and now i want to dedicate this song to you. It's a Cher song. You should listen to it, while I sing it."

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way I'd take back those words that hurt you and you'd stay

Brittany got a ribbon and also did an interpretative dance with Santana's grandmother, Alma Lopex, who happened to visit the Louisville University Library on a regualr basis.

I don't know why I did the things I did I don't know why I said the things I said
Pride's like a knife it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons they wound sometimes.

Then she kicked the librarian's ass again after she protested Santana's beautiful song again. Alma Lopez also killed her with an icepick, and Yodi dragged the body away with a butchers hook.

I didn't really mean to hurt you I didn't wanna see you go I know I made you cry, but baby

Maribel Lopez, Santana's mother, danced closely to Brittany, trying to pull her ruler out of her pocket.

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
And you'd stay
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do

If I could turn back time

"Ladies and gentlemen," Santana said as she jumped up on the table she so happened to be studying numbers at, "Cher!"

Cher sings this part with her own microphone taped to her underboob.

My world was shattered I was torn apart
Like someone took a knife and drove it deep in my heart
You walked out that door I swore that I didn't care
But I lost everything darling then and there

Sailors have filled the room and stand around the two tables that the ladies were standing atop of and are cheering and cursing while they sing.

Too strong to tell you I was sorry
Too proud to tell you I was wrong
I know that I was blind, and ooh...

All the sailors take part in Alma Lopze and Brittany's interpretative dance, as they all happen to have ribbons. Sailors always have ribbons. You never know when a sailor is going to need a ribbon. They issue them ribbons, I bet you didn't know that.

Ooohh

If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time
If I could turn back time
ooh baby

Rachel Faberry pulls out her golden sparkly microphone and joins in for the next part.

I didn't really mean to hurt you
I didn't want to see you go
I know I made you cry
Ooohh

All three singing ladies sway.

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that hurt you
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you
Then you'd love me, love me
Like you used to do

Blaine Warbler jumps onto the table, and Cher knocks him the fuck out before singing louder.

If I could turn back time (turn back time)
If I could find a way (find a way)
Then baby, maybe, maybe
You'd stay

Reach the stars
If I could reach the stars

A/N: Don't you just love a completely random musical number where everyone has a part prepared and it all works seamlessly, even though neither knew the other knew about it?

After the song finishes, and the lights fade back to their normal level after dramatically going out at the end of the song, everyone looks around, realizes they no longer have business in the library and awkwardly file out, with the sailors helping Cher and the suddenly naked Alma Lopez, Santana's grandmother, crowd-surf all the way out the open doors. Rachel Faberry is the last one to leave.

"I can overlook the mug, babe but lose that hat and get some new clothes, for fucks suck. I will dump you over that shit," Santana tells Brittany.

Then Britt pulls out her specially designed jeans and genuine leather jacket out of her back pocket. "Is this better?"

"Brittany, you haven't changed since the moment I saw you and hateloved you. You look exactly the same!"

"Shuttup Santana and kiss me, before I kick your ass"

Then Santana made out with the leggy blonde and she looked into her sky, royal, navy, midnight, bleu de France, Air Force, medium, non photo, indigo, color green short of purple orbs. She was practically swimming in all the periwinkle, iris, powderness of them. Her eyes were deep as ocean blue. Or one of these shades: Dodger, Alice, Egyptian, Azure. They had swirls of any one of these colors: Cornflower, Ultramarine, Turquoise. Basically, they were blue as fuck.

/

A/N: If for some reason you didn't like that one, here's another one!

Britteny slowly pulled herself out of the river. Tired from being ambushed by Will and Emma after her therapist session with Dr. Shelby Cocoran-Pepper. She'd been thrown into the trunk of Will's shit-heap car forced to listen to the sound of the muffler dragging along the road to the river. She played dead so that she could plot her revenge on him. Despite knowing every bump and turn on that road she could never remember it being this long. Her ruler was itching to see some action. It was fourteen inches long and woodne.

Finally she was dumped in the river.

Thirty minutes later, Brittany slowly pulled herself out of the river. She was tired. Not only from the emotional journey from the therapist session and the betrayal of Wil and Emma, but she had wrestled a crocodile while in the river. He had been eying her ruler, which irked Brittany enough, but then he snapped and almost broke her crocodile tooth necklace from one of the previous times she'd been in the river. She then claimed one of his teeth as her own to add to the necklace. She had realized that it was the very same crocodile from before. She named the crocodile Sam, for trying to claim something that wasn't his.

After eventually reaching the shore after re-living and re-hashing her emotional AND physical journey, she seez her phiance waiting by the sea - shore.

"There's my phiance waiting by the sea - shore after my emotional AND physical jurney!" Brittany said to Sam, the alligator.

Sam grunted and swam back into the depths of the river, after Brittany had surfed him to the shoreline.

"S'up?" Santana asked the leggy blonde with oceanic blue eyes, with swirls of cornflower.

"Not much. S'up with you?"

"Chillin. Killin. Blood spillin. Drug Dealin. Pussy feeling. The usual, you know how it is."

"Yeah, gurrl. I totally know how that shit goes. Where you going after this?"

"Home. I've had this damn microphone taped to my underboob for a week and the tape is starting to chafe"

"Yeah? I needed to pick up some things at the store. Maybe we can meet back at your house or something?"

"Can you get pancake mix?"

"I was going to already. I know you so well. I'm also going to grab some peanut butter and jelly. Do you have bread?"

"No, I don't think so. My grandma, Alma Lopez eats it like candy when she gets the munchies."

"COOL! I'll get two loaves of bread then. One for PB and J and one for Alma Lopez, your grandmother. She still smoking? For her glaucoma?"

"Yeah. She's got the medical certificate and everything"

"That's awesome! Hey, can you take my ruler? I've got to have room in my specially designed pocket to stuff a bunch of skittles in there."

"You want me to take your ruler?"

"Yeah, go ahead and take my ruler."

"Are you sure you want me to take your ruler?"

"Of course I want you to take my ruler."

"What if you have to measure something?"

"I'll use my backup ruler. It folds up."

"You've just made my day. I feel the trust between us is strong when you let me handle your ruler on my own."

"I trust you with my ruler. I hated you, then I loved you, then we got engaged, and now I think it's time you handle my ruler even when I'm not around."

"That escalated quickly."

"We're not on an escalator, but if you mean that you're glad that I'm letting you lick my ruler later, then yes."

"I'm glad you've realized this is the next logical step in our relationship. Especially because I hated you, and then loved you, then we got engaged."

"Logically it's the only way we can go from here. Let's eat PB & J while you lick my ruler."

"I'd love to."

"OK. Can you give me a lift to the grocery store? My car is still at the therapists after I got ambushed"

"Yeah sure."

"So we need pancake mix, bread, pb & j, doritos for grandma, your grandmother Alma Lopez, and skittles."

"And milk."

"Oh, and tampons. My calender says tomorrow for you."

"Phew. So glad you're on top of that."

"It's hard not to be on top of it when you get so grumpy."

"Speaking of 'Grumpy Santana', can you wipe your feet before you get in the car. I washed it yesterday. I already pulled out a blanket for you to sit on."

"Wipe my feet?! I just got thrown into a river. Shit, gurl. And I just let you handle my ruler."

"I think you underestimate how hard it is to get these carpets clean. I'm not sure why it's so difficult to understand I don't want river-shit all through my car."

"I'll take it to the carwash myself. I have quarters for the ultra power vacuum."

"You think I can't afford to take it there myself again?!"

"Everything's always about money with you! Why can't I afford this? Why don't you make more? Why can't I get the expensive tampons! I need the plastic applicator!"

"Well, we need to watch our finances. I'm still running the whore ring and you've got your whore ring, but Tina's occasionlly dead. That's like 75% of my income."

"What about Saturday night cock fights on Saturday nights? Now that Will's dead because Tina killed him, you should get all that money."

"Oh yeah. COOL! Hey, let's spring for pizza then."

"Oh you know how to spin the tables. Can we get extra bacon?"

"Let's not go too crazy.."

"Come on, just one time!?"

"Just one time turns into all the time pretty darn quickly, now doesn't it, Brittany? Remember the 'just one time' you wanted to do that thing on the balcony?"

"Which time?"

"Exactly, Brittany. Exactly my point!"

"Oh, but don't I make you feel good, San? We don't have sex enough."

"We would have more sex if you're feet weren't so damn cold. I'd be warmer in an igloo, having crazy sex with a popsicle."

"My feet?"

"Yeah, as it turns out, wearing socks in bed might actually turn me on. Try it next time."

"I'll be wearing socks on the fucking couch then! Fuck you Santana. My feet are not cold. Your hands are cold. It feels like ice cubes being shoved into my vag. Damn, makes me want to kick your hands' ass!"

"My hands could use a worthy opponent every once in awhile."

"NO, You DIDENT!"

"Yeah. You read that correctly!"

"I can't believe you typed that! What a bitch! Just for that I'm not getting pancake mix. And BTW, tell your mom to stop checking out my ruler. It makes me uncomfortable."

"You've always got to bring my mother into this! Maybe if you hadn't fucked her against the shed, you wouldn't feel so uncomfortable!"

"I fuck a lot of people, San. How was i supposed to know the smokin' Latina broad in the pencil skirt was your mom?"

"You better make that past tense!"

"Fucked!"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"And since you want to talk about my mother, let's talk about yours!"

"What about mine?"

"Why haven't I met your parents? Are you ashamed of me?"

"We've been together for an indeterminable amount of time. That will happen when it happens!"

"It should happen like NOW!"

"You know what their schedule is like, Santana. They don't have time to do the groceries, let alone meet my fiance for one night."

"I know they're CIA operatives and also double agents, and shooting a film, and have ties to the mob, but I would really like it if just maybe they could sit down and have an english muffin with me, okay? I AM marrying their daughter."

"You think I wouldn't like that too? I'd like a lot of things, Santana, but we can't all have a dream life in which we just kick everybody's asses that we want. And then get the girl. And then walk off into the sunset with PB & J sandwiches. This is reality!"

"Get out!"

"NO!"

"Okay."

"COOL!"

"Can we discuss your talking dog?"

"NO!"

"Okay."

"COOL!"

"Soooo, supermarket?"

"Yeah, I have to get some Skittles..."

/

A/N: Still love me so much you want more?

When Brittany woke up in the hospital after getting hit in the head with a shovel in an ambush, she was pretty pissed.

"I'm pretty pissed," Brittany said as she ripped out all the needles and sticky medical pad looking things.

"Whoa there, Brittany," Yodi said from her bedside. "Think of the consequences of your actions."

"What happened?" Brittany asked her DAWG, who was also her dog. "Did I get ambushed?"

"You did, but then I got to you before they could take you to the river."

"How did you do it?"

"I dragged you behind my skateboard," Yodi said. "How the fuck else would I have done it?"

"Of course, I don't know what I was thinking." Then Brittany had a thought. "Oh, shit, I just had a thought. Where's my ruler."

She padded around until she found it in a specially designed pocket on her hospital gown.

"Don't worry, Alma Lopez, Santana's grandmother, sewd you a specially designed pocket for you ruler on your hospital gown."

"If I didn't love Santana, and I hadn't already banged Maribel Lopez, Santana's mother, which caused Alma Lopez, Santana's grandmother to jump into a pool in self-baptism, I would totally let her stroke my ruler...like all night long. And well into the next day. Stroking...my ruler."

"That's pretty gross, Brittany."

"Yeah, it was. Don't tell anybody I said that."

"I'm totally going to tell!" the patient in the next bed said. "I'm calling her now!"

"Dammit!" Brittany groaned. "I'm going to have to kick your ass!"

"AKDSJFE OAJIDFJS! I would love it if you kicked my ass!" the girl said. "OMFG, kick my ass!"

Brittany was confused. "Well if you're asking me to, it's not as much fun anymore."

"No, I want you to!"

"NO!" Brittany refused.

"Please kick my ass!"

"Fine, I'll kick you ass, but I won't like it."

After the ass kicking, Brittany and her new pal, Chicken Little, slapped hands and talked measuring before she set off to find Santana, the girl she was engaged to. She hated her, then loved her.

"I'm off to find the girl I'm engaged to," Brittany said and she left in her specially pocket hospital gown, showing her ass to everyone. It was ripe for kicking, but she wasn't scared. A little cold, but not scared.

She found Santana waiting in the waiting room, which is a room specifically designed for people to wait in. Wisely named, when you think about it.

Santana looked at Brittany from across the room and stood. Their eyes met. One of them has blue eyes that are bluer than all the blues mixed together and then separated for average blueness. The other one had eyes the color of brown that only milk chocolate could challenge. They both saw each other, through their eyes, and their respective eye colors.

"That's my fiansay!" Santana said to an older lady sitting in the waiting room. She pointed to Brittany. "Doesn't she have the bluest eyes you've ever seen?"

"No," the old lady said. "They're just regular ol' blue."

Then music started to play. The two girls took that as a cue to start a slow motion run toward each other in slow motion. Brittany held out her arms. Santana did the same. It was everything a reunion should be until Santana tripped over the old woman's cane.

"Oh shit," Brittany said when she took the three steps to Santana. "Are you alright?"

"OMG, I haven't run with my new knockers yet!"

"Is that what's different? I thought you're eyes were more brown. Or you had new shoes on. Or maybe you had a ruler in your pocket."

"No, that's you!"

"Oh yeah, well, I think you may have broken your leg. I'm not a doctor, but I've played one in a movie."

"Yep, I totally broke my leg," Santana said as she shoved a bone back in. "Don't think I need any x-rays or a second opinion"

"Doctors are quacks and the duck's in the hat, baby!"

"True."

"Well, this is convenient since I'm in the hospital, too. We can share a double room."

"COOL!"

So then they shared a double room and swapped jello during their one night stay in the hospital. Brittany pulled out her flight sized vodka bottle from her specially designed inner jacket pocket from her genuine leather jacket that was made specifically for holding vodka in flask and/or flight sized bottles and they had jello shots. It was the most romantic evening. They watched reruns of The A Team on their hospital television because Brittany was a huge fan of Mr. T. She pitied the fool.

Then Santana and Brittany got married and had babies named Pterodactyl & Rulabella.

A/N: Don't forget to leave a review! Tell me what you're favorite ending was...Not like I'll do anything with that information at all. I'll keep a tally, though. So, please review a lot so I have a lot of little hashmarks to make on my tally sheet.