Here's a new one guys. It's a bit longer than usual, but I just couldn't find the right place to end it, without the following chapter being too short. I think I'll have to slow down a bit with the updates, I'm not sure if I can keep up with "one chapter a day" posting habits any longer. That being said, even if you do have to wait, you won't have to wait for too long :)
There's just one song in this one and you'll know when it is supposed to play:
1) Joy Division – Love Will Tear Us Apart
As always, thank you for your reviews and super kind words. I'm sorry that this time I didn't have a chance to respond to you but I was in such a rush for the last two days and ugh, I promise it won't happen again, like ever! I hope you like this chapter and if you do, you know the drill!
Don't forget to let me know what you think! I hope you enjoy the chapter! :)
I was born and raised in Hawkins and despite spending all 16 years of my life here, I am not quite sure if we even have a police station. I mean, I know we have it, but you never really see them around. Shit that happens in big towns doesn't happen here. It doesn't happen in a place where everyone in the street you live in knows your name, who your parents are, what they do and even the name of the family pet. We know things and we know each other, like any other small town. And crime is not a word you hear here often. The biggest crimes that I am aware of are probably the ones I have committed and am currently committing; underage drinking and passing the speed limit.
I don't care about speeding tickets I might get, if there actually is a cop in town who cares about crap like this. I don't care. I need to get to Jonathan as fast as I possibly can. I need to know that Will is okay and that this was all just a stupid misunderstanding. He probably spent the night at Mike's or something and forgot to call to let them know. He might be with Lucas or with Dustin. There are four of them, I'm sure they are together or that one of them knows that Will is doing just fine.
The moment I park the car, Jonathan rushes out of the house.
"Did he come back?"
"No," he shakes his head. I need to calm myself down. If I start to panic, which I really want to do right now, I will bring even more worry on him than he already has and that's the last think that he needs right now. As much as I want to run over to him and hug him, I don't do it. Doing that would make it seem as if I am comforting him and we don't have time for that. "Mom's at the police station."
"Good," I sigh. Maybe they'll pay more attention to a missing kid than they do on underage drinking or speeding. "What the hell happened? What do you know, I mean, where could he have gone?" I ask as I follow him into the house. I light a cigarette the moment I cross the threshold.
"He was at Mike's last night," Jonathan tells me. I find an ashtray in the kitchen and I watch as he starts pacing around the place; he doesn't look too good. "He left a little after eight. And that's it."
"And he wasn't home this morning?"
"No."
"What about last night? Did he come home or did he not come home at all?"
"We don't know," Jonathan shakes his head. "Mom was working and I… I took an extra shift."
Holy mother of god, he left him alone.
Even if Will walks through the door this very second, Jonathan will probably remember every single time when I insisted that he should stay with Will instead of driving me, just as he will remember that every single time, he reassured me that nothing will happen to his brother. He's not a kid, he's 12,he can be home alone. I've been making Jonathan feel guilty about this before it even happened!
"Joyce is at the police station?"
"Yes," he nods his head. "She'll take a day off from work and we're going to… I don't know, we're going to drive around, looking for him. You shouldn't have come here, Tina."
"And what makes you say that?"
"Come on, go to school," he shakes his head. "You shouldn't be worrying about this."
"Hey, Jonathan," I snap my fingers and he finally looks up at me. "I'm not going anywhere. If this worries you, then it automatically worries me. Do you get that?" I ask and after a few seconds of me giving him a deadly stare, he nods his head. I walk over to him and grab a hold of his hand. "If you're going to drive around town looking for him, I'll do the same. I took mom's car. I'm going to drive around with you, we will find him and by dinner, it will all be good again. Do you hear me?"
"Yeah," he nods his head, squeezing my hand a little bit tighter. "Look, I'm going to drive around but if you're going to help, I need you to stay here. If Will calls or mom or the police…"
'Yeah, I get it," I nod, agreeing, even if I would feel a bit better if I was actually looking for him instead of just being here. "If he shows up, someone needs to be here. I'm not moving until you tell me to."
"Thank you, Tina," he mumbles, forcing a smile my way. "Thank you for doing all of this."
"Don't thank me, Jonathan. I'm here to help. Go, don't waste time because of me."
He is already at the door when he stops, turns around, walks back over to me and kisses me; it's a quick, rushed kiss and the moment I open my eyes, he's already walking through the door.
I never thought a day would come when I would be going through the stuff of a 12-year-old. I mean, maybe, if I had a 12-year-old child, although I would never really imagine myself as one of those overprotective moms, but yeah, I could see myself doing that if my kid was acting all weird.
But I don't have a 12-year-old kid. And the kid whose room I'm searching isn't even my own family.
If Will gets angry because I searched his room, I will apologize forever and ever. I'll make it up to him by getting him a super cool present. I'll… I'll take him to fucking Disneyland if that's what it takes. I'll find a way to repay for not respecting his privacy but right now, I need to look for something, anything.
Will's not the type of kid that would just… leave. He's not. He's not pulling a prank. If he's been gone the whole night, then he must be lost, or… No, I'm not going to think in that direction. Absolutely not. Shit like that doesn't happen in Hawkins and shit like that doesn't happen to kids as kind as Will. No, if he's gone for so long, it must be because he's lost or… hiding or something. And maybe, just maybe, if I look around his room, I will find a clue as to where he could be. And if I don't, well, it won't hurt to try. Besides, I need to do something. I can't just sit around, waiting for the phone to ring while Joyce and Jonathan are god knows where, doing god knows what and the rest of the world is continuing with their daily lives as if nothing happened.
I go through everything. Every book, every notebook, every drawing. I don't see anything that could tell me where Will could be, or the reason why he'd be there.
My heart skips a beat when I find a bunch of photos in a wooden box; some of them I took, some of them I'm in. There's a few from Halloween. One with the boys posing proudly in their costumes, another one with Jonathan and me behind them. I look as if someone had forced me to pose at gunpoint. To be fair, that's exactly what it felt like, back then. But Will is just beaming. Then there's another photo that I recognize as the one I took and developed; him and Jonathan, with him jumping onto Jonathan's back and both of them look as if they are laughing their asses of. Then there's one of me and Will; I don't even remember Jonathan taking the photo, but it's one from our many dancing sessions; Will and I, laughing as we hold hands, dancing in the living room, with Joyce sitting and laughing in the background.
Will better be okay because if he's not, I swear to god…
I was so immersed into my own thoughts; I didn't even hear the car. This is why when I heard someone moving around the house, I jumped up and ran out of Will's room.
"Will?" I call, only to find Joyce in the hallway, looking equally disappointed to realize that I'm not Will.
"Oh honey," she sighs. God, I must have given her a heart attack. I didn't hug Jonathan as I didn't want to feed his panic but I can't do the same with Joyce. Not when she rushes towards me. I hug her and I tap her on the shoulder. I don't know what else to do, what else I can say. "No one's seen him."
"Jonathan is driving around town," I tell her, pulling away from her crushing hug. "You've been to the police. We're all doing all that we can. We will look more but first you need to stop and take a deep breath. Actually, to hell with deep breaths. Have a cigarette."
It's a good think I always carry a spare pack with me, wherever I go. It's not even 10 and I'm already halfway through the first pack. I imagine that at one point, I'm going to have to run to town to get more because as Joyce lights one, I can see that she's shaking. I need to feed her. She probably hasn't had breakfast, or coffee and she's going to need her strength. I give her space and I don't say a word as I work around their kitchen, making toast. No, she needs more. I crack two eggs, mix them up quickly and I pour them in the pan, breaking the only rule of cooking I know; low heat, longer period of time. Joyce needs some energy now. By the time coffee is done brewing, I am plating the food.
"Tina, honey, you should be at school," she tells me, probably just realizing that I shouldn't be here at this time of the day. "You shouldn't be… no, you shouldn't."
"Joyce, let's not worry about my education, okay? I'll live without one day of high school," I tell her. I've skipped school for stupid shit before, I can damn well skip one day when my boyfriend's kid brother goes missing. Not to mention that Will's more than that. He isn't just… Jonathan's brother. I adore that kid. I love him more than I love my own freaking brother! "You need to eat first. Then, you tell me what the cops told you. And then… we'll think of what we're going to do next."
What are we going to do next? Look for him? We're already doing that, aren't we? What more can we do? Where can we look? Jonathan knows Will better than anyone, if he's not in the places that Jonathan is looking it… No, I can't think like that. Not when I need to calm Joyce down. I can't afford to panic.
"Hopper told me that I need to call Lonnie."
"Lonnie?" I ask in confusion. "But… Jonathan told me that he's in Indianapolis."
Just as he told me that their father didn't give a shit about them for the last couple of years. Not only is he not around, but he doesn't even bother paying alimony. Even if their father was still in Hawkins, I doubt that's where Will would go to. No way, it doesn't make any sense.
"Hopper insists that I need to do it," Joyce shakes her head, taking a small, miserable bite of toast. "If a kid goes missing, he's probably with a parent or a relative."
"Yeah, if a parent doesn't live a couple of hours away and actually know what his kid looks like!" I snap. Okay, now is not the time for me to do that. That's the last thing Joyce needs. "Hopper, he's the chief of police, right?" I ask, knowing that I have heard that name before; Joyce nods her head. "Okay, you'll call Lonnie but what will he do, because we know that Will's not with him?"
"He's going to talk to Will's friend and…" she stops talking, looking as if she had just remembered something. She's out of her mind and I can't blame her. For someone whose kid has been missing for the entire night, I think she's actually holding up pretty good. "They'll start searching."
"And what does he think he's going to get out of Lucas, Dustin and Mike?" I sigh, falling back into the chair. It's stupid. It is beyond stupid. Three 12-year-olds are doing what, hiding him? Helping him escape? The cops are acting as if this is some sort of a collective prank. He's not with his friends, he's not with his father and he would never do anything like this, not on purpose! I don't know what the hell they think they're doing but I've seen enough movies to know that if a kid goes missing, every single minute is of importance. "He's probably just going to freak out those kids for good."
God, the three of them! I have been thinking about Will and how his family is dealing with all of this but they… god, they must be out of their minds. They're more like brothers than friends.
"I mean, I guess he has to check it all out," Joyce shrugs, finally eating a bit more. The last thing we need is for her to faint or get sick, since she must be going crazy from all the worry. "He's not with Lonnie but maybe… maybe the boys know if he has a hiding place or something. Maybe they know something that we don't."
I never had a hiding place when I was a kid, nothing other than my room. But Will's a smart kid and I kind of… developed later. It was all about music for me and that meant that my room was my hiding place. I wouldn't have music in the back yard or in tree house or something.
Tree house. Wooden house. The Castle Byers.
"Joyce!" I make her jump. "Castle Byers! Did you check Castle Byers?!"
No, she did not check Castle Byers. We both jump up and run out of the house immediately.
I'm the faster runner out of the two and I barely manage to hold my balance as I tare the makeshift curtain door. Breathless, I realize that he's not here. I shake my head to Joyce and watch as she has a mini nervous breakdown all over again.
For one moment, for one fucking moment, I stopped and hoped that he is here. And now that he's not… I'm afraid that we're out of places to look at. Maybe a search party…
But Will wouldn't just get lost. He's a smart kid. I know that intelligence has nothing to do with one's capability of not getting lost in the woods or something but I just don't see that happening to Will.
He's not lost. But him being lost is far better than the alternative.
I don't stop and neither does Joyce. Just because he isn't in the Castle does not mean that he isn't around. We call his name, we look for him, we split up and go in different directions. And we still find nothing.
HAVE YOU SEEN ME?
My hand is shaking as I try to write those words on another poster. We're making as much as we can, we will print them and if Will doesn't return by tonight… well, I guess we will tape them around town.
Jonathan is… calm. I know him well enough to know that it's eating him away on the inside, but he can keep his emotions in check for now. Joyce… isn't doing well. I can't blame her. Considering her son is missing, she's holding up pretty good but… she's not good overall. The moment she finishes a cigarette, she starts another one and she is shaking. Even now, as she's trying to get Lonnie on the phone.
There isn't anything that Jonathan or I can do. That we aren't already doing, that is. I can't tell her to calm down when I know that there's zero possibility that she can do that. I can't reassure her that everything is going to be okay when I know that it might just be empty talk. I have reassured Jonathan that Will is going to be home by tonight and now… I'm not so sure if that's the case.
Shit like this shouldn't be happening to good people. Joyce shouldn't be the one going through this. She works so hard to take care of them and this is how she pays for it? Shit like this should happen to a father like mine, to shake him to the core and realize that he does have children who might need him.
Do we need him, though? I haven't needed him in a while now. Sure, in so many ways I'm still a kid but I'm a kid with a job. A job would give me a roof over my head. I might not live in the same luxury I live in now, but I would sure as hell survive. So would Steve. He might not be responsible as I am, but he's smart enough to get around. We don't need him. It's easier with him but yeah, we don't need him.
"Bitch!" Joyce suddenly yells, making both me and Jonathan jump up.
"Mom."
"What?" she snaps at him.
"You have to stay calm." He tells her in a calming tone.
I leave the poster halfway finished and I grab hold of Jonathan's hand. For a moment, I think that he doesn't really need that kind of silent support but when he squeezes my hand, I am proven wrong.
I don't know what else I can do. I already force fed both of them, I am waiting for them to give me their blessing to drive around town and look for Will some more, but until they agree with that one, I can only help around here and that means… that means that I'm lighting Joyce's cigarettes, holding Jonathan's hand and writing missing posters. I'm of no help to anyone.
I only manage to write Will's name on the paper when Joyce loses it again.
"Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!" she yells, slamming the phone.
"Joyce, easy on the phone," I decide to speak up. "You need it. Someone might call."
I didn't want to say Will, because what are the chances of that happening?
"Mom?" Jonathan calls for her and seconds later, he tugs at my hand. I turn around to find him looking out the window. "Cops."
This time around, Joyce was much faster than I am. She runs out in the speed of light, with Jonathan and me on her tail.
The first bad sign was the look on the policeman's face. Then he got Will's bike out of his trunk.
In my humble opinion, my music collection beats his. I mean, he has some good stuff, but my mixes are just… better. Still, his car, his music. There's only so much I can do here, with limited options. I like Joy Division and yes, I am nodding my head to the rhythm of the song but overall, I have a better music taste. Or I'm just being snobby about music, something that Steve always accuses me of.
"Shit!" I curse when I drop one of the tapes; The Clash, I think. With one hand holding a cigarette, hanging out the window, I use my free hand to try to feel the floor up but I find nothing; god I hope Jonathan cleans his car often. I bend over, trying to find the fucking cassette when a door slams shut and I jump up in surprise. I turn around, facing a kid who's looking at me in shock.
"Who the hell are you?" I ask.
"Who are you?" he asks, looking around. He looks at me and then around the car. Then back at me and at the stereo. Then, once again, back at me. "This is… Jonathan's car, right?" he checks.
"Oh!" I snap, finally putting two and two together; I scare the hell out of the kid. "Oh! You're Jonathan's brother, right?" I ask, remembering that he did mention a younger brother the other day, but only in passing. We mostly just talked about music and photography and his kid brother is neither a fashion model, nor a rock star, so… "Will, right?" I check, thinking that's the name Jonathan mentioned.
"Yeah," the kids nods his head. "But… who are you?"
"Oh," I chuckle, realizing I didn't introduce myself. I put the cigarette in my mouth, freeing my right hand and I stretch it out to the kid. "I'm Tina." I mumble, doing my best not to drop the cigarette. The kid looks at me like I'm a freaking alien but he still takes my hand and shakes it.
"What are you doing here?"
Whoever taught this kid, they have taught him well. He's vary of strangers.
"I'm Jonathan's friend," I tell him, laughing immediately when I see the confused look on his face. "I know, right? I don't think he himself believes it yet but alas, I am his friend now."
"Since when?" he frowns at me in suspicion.
"Since like… three days ago?" I laugh. "I know it's all very sudden but I have a feeling that we were meant to find each other." I act all theatrical, finally making the kid laugh. Good, at least I can crack that icy outside like I did with the older Byers. "Three days is long enough to make his younger brother tell me some embarrassing secrets. So come on, does he sleep with a light on? Listen to Dolly Parton?"
"No!" the kid laughs. "He is a cool brother, he doesn't do any of those things."
"Oh come on, everyone has something!" I laugh, suddenly invested into uncovering something that Jonathan might wish to keep a secret from me; this could be really fun. "Come on, everyone is weird. I hate clowns and I listen to crappy music every now and then."
"You're scared of clowns?"
"Don't you laugh at me, kid," I snap, acting as if I am annoyed. "Have you seen them? They're creepy!"
"Okay, I guess they are a bit creepy," he agrees, nodding his head. "I'm afraid of the dark. I guess that's a bit embarrassing."
"Oh, no way," I shake my head. If I was lucky enough to mention his fear straight up, at least I can stop him from thinking that it is wrong and embarrassing. "What are you, like… 11, 12?"
"12."
"It's normal to be afraid of the dark when you're twelve. It does get a bit weird when you're 16 though. Now, back to Jonathan and his embarrassing secrets. You gotta give me something, kid."
"I've got nothing." He shrugs his shoulders, looking a bit clueless.
"Nah, you're just a good brother," I chuckle. "If you were to ask my brother, I'm sure he'd come up with something. Even if he would have to make it up at the spot."
"Jonathan does like that creepy song."
"Which creepy song?" I perk up, ready to prepare material to tease Jonathan until the end of time.
"The one about watching someone as they breathe."
"What the… oh!" I snap, finally realizing. I needed a moment for this one. 'Every breath you take', it has to be that one. "Wait, that's a good song."
"It's creepy."
"No it's not!"
"Yeah, it is."
"No, it's not!" I'm starting to get annoyed with his kid.
"Okay, if you think clowns are creepy, you have to admit that the song is a bit creepy too."
"Okay, maybe a little bit," I give in. "It's still a good song."
"If you say so," Will shrugs. Ah, so the kid does have a little bit of attitude in him. I like him. "Where is Jonathan?" he asks me and I start laughing. NOW it comes up in the conversation? Now?
"He forgot some photos in the school's dark room, he should be here soon."
The very moment I finish the sentence, I notice Jonathan walking towards the car, looking at me and then back at his brother. "Will?" he asks in confusion as he opens the door and peaks in.
"You forgot that I didn't bike to school today?" Will asks him, looking pretty amused.
"Well… yeah," Jonathan admits, before looking at me. "I hope you don't mind but…"
"Why would I mind?" I laugh. "I made a new friend while you were away. Ain't that right, Willster?" I ask, looking over my shoulder to check if the kid will back me up on this one.
"Yeah." He responds in a heartbeat. Maybe I did make a new friend.
"If his bike was in the woods, what the hell are you doing here?" I ask the obvious question.
I just don't know when to shut up. I don't know if it's something I was born with or if I learned it along the way but the point is, I don't know when to keep my mouth shut.
"Who the hell are you?" the policeman asks, frowning. He's the chief; at least it says so on his uniform.
"Um, that's Tina," Joyce waves her hand in my direction. "Jonathan's girlfriend, she's practically family. Are you telling me that there was nothing but the bike in those woods?" she asks, returning the subject to what actually matters: finding Will. Who the fuck cares who I am?!
"No," he tells Joyce. "He had the key to the house, right? Maybe he came home?"
I can't believe it. I should, I'm watching it; the chief of police and two of his deputies are looking around the house, acting as if Will is hiding in a cupboard or something. Talk about efficiency.
"You think we didn't check our own house?" Joyce asks; she's frantic again.
I walk towards Jonathan, leaving Joyce and the cops to it; judging by the way this day's been going, we won't be finding Will by tonight. The hope I had while I was driving here is long, long gone. And I need to figure out what I'm going to do next.
"I need to call Steve," I mumble to Jonathan; I've been delaying that call for long enough. He must be home from school and I didn't want to call earlier. I didn't want to block the line, in case the cops call. But the cops are here, so I might as well just call. "My folks are out of town, I don't have anyone to report to but I need to let him know that I'll be here."
"Tina, you… you shouldn't put your entire life on hold because of this," Jonathan shakes his head. It's so typical of him. Even in a situation like this, he wants everything to be proper. He wants me to be all cool and normal, despite knowing he would be the same if it was my brother that was missing. "You have things to do. You shouldn't… you shouldn't be doing all of this."
"Doing what? I'm just here, Jonathan," I sigh, trying to calm myself down. "I'm not putting anything on hold for this. I mean, what, school? I can survive being away from it for one day. No one's gonna miss me. Not there, not at home. Here, I might actually be able to do something. And if I can't… I don't know, I think I just want to be here for you."
I was house sitting, that's what I was doing earlier. House sitting, making them food and trying my best to calm them down if they needed it. Yeah, as much as I feel useless, I am doing something. And whether or not he wants to admit it, Jonathan needs me. He might not need me as the air that he breathes but he needs someone that's a bit more level headed than him and Joyce are at the moment. I'm not too far from falling into panic mode but I'm still calmer than either one of them.
"Okay." Jonathan finally nods his head and squeezes my hand. I don't have a particular desire to let go of it, but I've delayed calling Steve for long enough.
Despite having two cops in the room with me, I lean on the wall, pick up the phone and dial my home number. I don't hang up for a long time; I know my brother well.
"Hello?" Steve answers, a second after I decide that I should hang up.
"Hey, it's me. Will still hasn't been found. I'm probably going to stay here tonight."
"Really?"
I can hear the doubt in Steve's voice. I thought he would be a bit more compassionate, considering that a kid has gone missing but once again, it's proven that I had put too much faith in my brother.
"Yes, Steve, really!" I yell and it's a good thing that I did because I can hear loud laughter. "Steve, are you having a party? Really?"
"Your boss called."
"Shit!" this time around, everyone in the house turned to look at me. I was supposed to work today and I am… two hours late for my shift. "I'm going to call him."
"Do whatever the hell you want to do."
"Are you being a dick because that's your natural form or because that kiss ass friend of yours can hear what you're saying?"
"I'm not-"
"Fuck you, Steve!" I slam the phone, despite warning Joyce not to do the same just minutes ago. I don't take the time to calm myself down; I have a job to save. With shaky hands, I call the store. "Mr. Green, it's Tina."
"Tina, where the hell are you?"
"Mr. Green, I am so, so sorry," I close my eyes and hit my head on the wall. This is not going to end well for me. "I'm sorry, I should have called you earlier but I had… I had too much on my mind. A boy went missing and I stayed behind to help the family and he's still missing and I can't come to work today."
"I didn't know you were related to the Byers's, Tina," Mr. Green tells me. "I'm sorry about everything."
"We're… we're not related. Will is my boyfriend's brother."
"You didn't come to work because a boy you're not related to is missing?" he asks and I can hear the judgment in his voice. "Your boyfriend's brother?" he asks. I never even liked the fucker.
"Yes," I confirm, trying to ignore the boiling anger. "And I won't be able to work until he's back."
"Are you serious?" he asks. Why the hell didn't I light a fucking cigarette before starting this conversation?! "I can't have a worker who will disappear whenever some random kid decided to play a prank on his family! That is responsibility at its finest, Tina! I expected more from you!"
"Oh yeah? How's this for more: I quit!" I slam the phone, nearly knocking it off the wall. Jonathan starts walking my way and I shake my head. No, he needs to leave me alone right now. I need a moment of silence, a moment of peace in all of this. I go to his room, close the door and sit on the bed.
I just need silence. Silence, to get a chance to sort my thoughts and I'll be up and at 'em in a matter of minutes. I just need one moment, one moment of thinking that this doesn't mean that everything is falling apart, rapidly. Just one moment.
I snap when I feel something on my shoulder. I blink rapidly, the lights blinding me for a moment. Shit, I must have fallen asleep. Jonathan covering me with a blanket was what snapped me awake.
"Shit, I'm sorry," he tells me in a low voice. "Go back to sleep, you need rest."
"How long was I out?" I ask as I ignore his words and sit up; I've kissed sleep goodbye the moment my eyes were open. And now, I remember all the shit that has happened since he called me this morning. "Did they find Will?" I ask. And I am not surprised when Jonathan shakes his head. I am very disappointed but I am not surprised at all.
"You were out for a couple of hours," he tells me as he sits down on the bed next to me. "We found nothing but they are organizing a search party, with volunteers and everything. I wanted to go but mom said that both you and I should stay put for now. I think she doesn't want to… risk anything."
"Risk what?" I ask him in confusion. I might not truly buy the theory that Will got lost but I know that Joyce does. If she thinks that's what happened, why the hell would she think that Jonathan and I are going to get lost, especially if we are together? It makes no sense but I can't blame her for not thinking straight in a time like this. "What do we do now if she doesn't want us out there?"
"We wait," Jonathan shrugs. I haven't even realized that he isn't really making eye contact with me. Instead of looking at me, he's looking at the floor. "And tomorrow, we can go around town and tape the posters around. And then… I don't know what we do then."
He is on the verge of a proper meltdown; I can see it on his face. My options are limited and I decide to do the one thing I really can. Hug him. It takes him seconds to break down in tears and that just… breaks my heart even more. He is broken. While it warms my heart that he is letting me see him and help him, I can only focus on the fact that he is absolutely broken and that I don't know what I can do about it.
"Jonathan, it will all be okay."
I can't even claim that we will find him, not anymore. Despite how much my heart wants to believe in it, I can't be certain in those words.
"Tina, it's my fault," he pulls away from me. "It's my fault! I left him alone. All those times, you told me not to do it. You and mom, both of you were like broken records and I didn't fucking listen!"
"Jonathan, no," I shake my head but he moves away when I try to hug him again. "Jonathan. Jonathan, fuck not listening to me before, listen to me now!" I growl at him and this time, I have his attention. "This is not your fault, you hear me? Bad shit happens every day Jonathan, and… we can't avoid it all the time. At one point or another, in one form or another, bad shit finds us, bad shit happens to us. And no matter what you think, it's not your fault. You're not to blame for the bad shit that just… happens!"
"If I was at home-"
"Nothing would have been different," I interrupt him. "We don't even know if he was here to begin with! Nothing would have been different and it is not your fucking fault. Do you hear me?"
The phone startles the both of us and we jump up, completely dumping our conversation.
"Will?!" Joyce yells into the phone. Jonathan and I look at each other and he rushes to her. "Will? Will? Baby? Will?!"
A spark flies from the phone and she drops it, shaking her hand as if she got burned. But she's shaking completely. I watch, speechless, as Jonathan starts to bang on the phone and to calm her down, while she repeatedly tells him that she could hear Will breathing.
I run back to Jonathan's room and I close the door, leaning on it with all the strength I have in me. Before I know it, before I could stop it, before I even comprehend the whirlwind of emotions that is about to hit me at full speed, I start crying. I start and I don't know how to stop.
I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do.
And I don't know why things like these happen to good people.
