"I just can't believe what a big girl you are now!" Stephanie gushed. She bounced Caylie in her arms and rained kisses on each of her cheeks. Over time, Caylie's hair had lightened to an even more sun-kissed shade of blond, and Stephanie nuzzled her nose against her shiny locks. "You are so beautiful, honey. Such a gorgeous girl."
Amanda came up behind the pair after depositing her dirty plate in the soapy sink water and tugged on Caylie's bare feet as she leaned in close. "What do we say when we get compliments, princess? Hm? Do we say 'thank you'?"
"Tanks!" Caylie exclaimed, eyes lighting like a pair of igniting firecrackers.
"You're welcome," Stephanie laughed. She patted Caylie's back and took a seat with her at the kitchen table, where Chris was in the process of enjoying a late evening dinner after a long day at the office. Amanda dropped lazily into a chair, leaning over Graham's shoulder to see the picture he was coloring. When Graham noticed her curiosity, he selected a tangerine orange crayon and held it out to her.
"You can help me color," he said, pointing Amanda to the blank picture on the opposite page.
"Are you sure?" she asked. Amanda pushed her hair back behind her shoulders, tipping her head quizzically. "I wouldn't want to mess up anything in your coloring book."
"You won't mess it up," Graham assured her, dishing out a second insistent order. "Here, color it."
"Okay, then. If you insist," Amanda answered. She got started on the picture while Caylie reached for a tuft of Stephanie's hair and began tugging playfully on it. She spoke in broken sentences, but Stephanie was able to understand most of the ideas she attempted to get across.
Caylie released Stephanie's hair, but then she started patting the top of Stephanie's head in a continuous motion. "Petty."
Amanda chuckled. "She means 'pretty'. She's trying to tell you that your hair looks pretty."
"Oh gosh," she pursed her lips and rolled her eyes heavenward, "I barely even did anything with it today, but thanks anyway." She poked Caylie in the stomach to make her laugh. "I'm so glad you came, Amanda. I don't know if you realize how positive it is for my mood to see you and Caylie, but I've missed both of you so much. I talk about you all the time, and sometimes I worry about how you're doing in Montana, but Chris always calms me down."
"She really does love you guys," Chris chimed in, only after swallowing the leftover bits of food in his mouth. "You know how Steph is. Once you've made an impression on her, she never forgets you. She talks about you almost every night before bed and tells me how she wishes you still lived here, and I'm not saying that to guilt-trip you for leaving. I'm only trying to get my point across. You had to do what was right for you and Caylie, but I hope you know how missed you are around these parts. Steph talks and thinks about both of you all the time."
"That makes me feel good. Special, too," Amanda said, meeting Stephanie's gaze from across the table. She was as much a sentimental woman as Stephanie, two beings with easily touched hearts. A part of Amanda craved Stephanie's approval after all they had lived through together, because even though Stephanie wasn't her actual parent, she had stepped in as an authority figure in her life, and Amanda would never forget how Stephanie had come through for her in such a time of need. In that sense, Stephanie was like a mother to her. "I'll admit that there was a point in time, especially when I first moved away, that I worried I might be forgotten. I still had your number and I always call you, but my calls weren't too frequent in the beginning, so I just wasn't sure if your feelings about me would change."
"Never," Stephanie promised, shaking her head.
"I know that now."
"You should have known it before," Stephanie scolded, with just the right amount of playfulness to make Amanda smile.
"Fine, you're right, I should have known before," Amanda agreed. Graham tapped her arm to remind her of the uncolored picture she was neglecting, and Amanda grinned widely, picking up where she left off. Another exciting topic came to mind, but this time she stayed busy while speaking, so as not to upset Graham. "It's so different seeing you pregnant, Steph. It's just fascinating to me."
"Different in a good or a bad way?" Stephanie wondered. The corners of her mouth tugged into a serene smile. She absently rested her free hand on her belly, and Caylie leaned her forehead against Stephanie's cheek, letting out a big yawn.
"Definitely in a good way. After you and Chris got married, I sort of expected you to move fast. Maybe not quite as fast as you actually did, but that's how it is when you find the right person," Amanda said. Her smile faltered a little, and she bit down on the corner of her bottom lip. "Things with Tanner have been better, I guess, but you know how it goes."
"Not really," Stephanie said, which was her manner of fishing for details. She didn't want to invade Amanda's personal life, but she wanted to help and offer advice, if that was what Amanda was in search of. "How does it go?"
"I shouldn't have brought it up in front of Caylie. Can we talk later, when we can get some privacy?" she asked.
"Of course," Stephanie said. "You just pull me aside whenever you're ready."
"Thanks," Amanda replied. She picked up her glass and took a sip of the iced sweet tea Stephanie had filled it with. She lowered it only after a long swig. "This is the best iced tea ever. I love this stuff."
"Steph's on a sweet tea kick right now, so we always have that stuff around," Chris said. "Ever since she got pregnant, she's been making that stuff by the gallon. Then I come home from work to pour myself some and it's already gone, because she drank it all."
Stephanie's mouth dropped open, and she reached out to swat his arm, an exchange Graham found hilarious, judging by his open laughter. "How dare you," Stephanie scoffed, pretending to be angry. "I don't really drink that much tea, Manda. I've been good about making sure I get enough water and milk for the baby, and once I've had my fill of both those things, I have a glass of tea if I'm still thirsty. Don't mind my husband. He likes to exaggerate."
Chris shrugged guiltily and went about eating his meal of steak and potatoes, and Amanda gulped down some more of her tea. She was first to break the silence that had filled the room. "I can see why you love it, Steph, and besides, pregnancy cravings are no joke. Men don't understand, because they're not the ones who have to carry the babies, but when you're pregnant, there are moments when you literally feel like you can't live without a certain kind of food or drink. I remember that vividly from when I was pregnant with Caylie."
"Me!" Caylie squealed, having recognized her name in conversation.
"That's right; that's you!" Stephanie responded, tickling Caylie's left side.
When she looked around the table, Stephanie saw three smiling faces staring back at her. Even more than their smiles, they had a light in their eyes that exuded true happiness. It was a feeling Stephanie wanted to capture, bottle up, and save for more trying times. Even despite the distance, Amanda and Caylie had remained her family, and seeing everyone gathered around the table, watching her with the same admiration they all had when she had first invited them into her home, Stephanie knew there were no other people on earth who she would rather call her family.
Then her eyes gravitated to sweet, wholesome Graham, squinting in concentration as he returned his focus to his coloring book. He even stuck his tongue out between his lips a little when he worked, which was a habit Stephanie had noticed after watching him color and draw on countless occasions. She smiled at the sight, and the overwhelming love that rushed into her heart led her to one conclusion. Marriage had made her commitment to Chris official, and purchasing a new home from which to build their lives was going to make her family official, but that still left one loose end: Graham.
It was time to make her link as his mother official.
Later that evening, when the kids were tucked away in their own separate beds, Stephanie pulled Chris aside. He wasn't planning on staying up too terribly late, since he had work in the morning, but Stephanie had received the green light from Vince to take the day off. Amanda and Caylie could only stay to visit for one more full day, so Stephanie was going to spend her entire Wednesday with them, and Chris was going to report to the office, as usual. Stephanie had wanted to catch him before he sank into their bed and fell away to exhaustion, because ever since dinner, she had been bursting at the seams to discuss a potential development.
She left Amanda in the game room, occupied by a pinball machine, and Stephanie promised to come right back for her, as soon as she and Chris squared some important details away. Chris seemed to have picked up on her nervous energy, extra observant husband that he was, and he went so far as to turn the television off. Chris wanted their bedroom to be free of distractions, and he sat up in bed, reaching his hands out to hold each of Stephanie's. When their hands were linked, he raised each of them to his mouth and kissed the backs in the center, like a perfect gentleman.
"What's on your mind, angel?" Chris asked. "Is everything okay?"
"Everything's perfect. I wanted to talk to you, because when we were all sitting at the dining room table together, it felt like we were a real family, including Amanda and Caylie. It made me miss the times we used to have together, when it was all of us spending every single night as a group," she said. "I started to think about how far you and I have come since we first met and how we've made almost everything official. We got married, bought a house together, and now we're going to be starting a family and giving Graham a sibling."
"You're still happy about all of this, right?" he questioned. "Because I'd hate for you to feel overwhelmed with your pregnancy, moving, and all that other stuff. I'm always here for you, Steph, no matter what. If you need me, day or night, you can talk to me and I'll be here. I have your back, and you know I'd drop everything for you in a heartbeat. That's what being your husband means to me."
"I know that," Stephanie said. She let go of Chris's hand long enough to rub his cheek. "I'm so grateful to have you in my life. I was talking about you with my mom earlier, and I was telling her that you're the only person keeping me sane. You used to always tell me that you would be lost without me, and I'm beginning to have those same feelings about you. I need you a lot, Chris."
"I know, baby. I need you, too," he responded. "What do you want to talk about?"
"I was thinking about Graham."
She paused for several seconds, so Chris tried to give her a nudge in the right direction, saying, "Go on."
"I really love him."
"I know you do. I can see it in your eyes when you look at him," he told her.
"So that's why I was thinking," she let go of Chris's hands entirely and began fiddling with her own, "maybe I should make this whole thing official. I'm Graham's stepmother, but I want something more. I want to be recognized as his actual parent, just like you are. I guess what I'm trying to say is that since his biological mother has passed away, maybe I can adopt him."
Chris's brow furrowed at once. "Adopt him?"
"Yeah," Stephanie said, shrinking into herself a little. She hugged her arms around her body. "Um, what do you think?"
He nodded slowly, still frowning, and Stephanie wasn't sure he was aware he was even making that expression. "Do you realize what adoption would entail? His mother is on his birth certificate, and they would take her name away and add yours instead."
"Is that a bad thing?" she asked innocently. Chris's head snapped toward her, and she shrugged. "I mean, I don't know a whole lot about this process, I'll admit. I haven't researched it in-depth yet. It's just something I was thinking of."
"Graham loved his mother," Chris said. "All he has left is her memory, and if her name is erased from his birth certificate, it feels to me like that would be erasing a huge part of her that he could never get back again. Once the birth certificate is changed, we can't go back on that. When it's final, it's final."
"I know that," Stephanie nodded along. "I understand."
"I'm not so sure you do," he replied. "I get that you love Graham and want to take things to the next level, but I don't know that I'm okay with completely removing Carly's name from Graham's life. Just because she's dead doesn't mean she's not his mother anymore. She's not in the literal sense, but she will always be his mom, in some capacity."
"I know that," Stephanie said, a little shakier than before.
"It's not like Carly's not his mother anymore by her own choice, you know?" Chris said. "The reason she's not his mother is because she got robbed of her life, and I don't think it's fair to diminish who she was or her role in Graham's life just because she's no longer here. She matters, too."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to be taken in that way," Stephanie rushed out. "That isn't what I was trying to do."
"I know," Chris said, reaching out to pat her leg. "I'm not convinced that it's the right thing, but I appreciate you for taking the time to talk to me about it. I'm gonna get ready for bed."
Chris disappeared behind their bathroom door, and Stephanie's face turned a sickly pink shade, her cheeks and forehead flushing in the wake of her embarrassment. She wanted to scream, to berate herself for not thinking of how adoption might affect Chris's and Graham's feelings. When she spied the closed bathroom door, her eyes teared, and a few seconds later, the dam broke and they spilled onto her cheeks. She felt silly and unreasonable, but in some small part of her heart, she was hurt that Chris had been so flippant about her idea, regardless of whether or not he agreed with it.
She knew him well enough to feel confident that he hadn't blown her off on purpose. Chris thought she was making a casual request, without realizing all the time and thought Stephanie had put into the decision before voicing it aloud. She felt like she had been shut down by her best friend, which was basically what their discussion had amounted to, and suddenly, there was only one person she wanted to surround herself with. He was the only person in the whole house who could make her feel better in such a time of internalized grief, so Stephanie pushed off of the bed and wiped at her eyes with her fingertips.
She followed the hallway all the way down to Graham's room, where Chris had left the door cracked, since Graham didn't like to sleep in the dark and be completely cut off from the rest of the home. Stephanie pushed softly on the door and it creaked open, bringing a cringe to her face as she prayed the noise wouldn't wake Graham. His lava lamp spilled a sea of red light into the room, casting odd circles and dots off of all four surrounding walls. She tiptoed into the room and stood at the foot of Graham's bed, smiling through her tears when the pale light bounced off of Graham's sleeping face and revealed him to her.
His head was nodded off to the side, his mouth slightly ajar, and Stephanie laughed softly, padding farther into the room and taking a seat in the rocking chair positioned at the side of his bed. Seeing his face, as a beam of color danced over it, brought the rawest emotions out of her, and she reached out and felt for his hand, not stopping until it was tucked inside her own. Stephanie sat with Graham for so long she lost track of the time, and in a way, time had ceased to exist anyway. Her memories were timeless, and that was what she occupied herself with, thinking of all the treasured moments she had spent with Graham, and even musing over the moments they might enjoy together in the future.
It wasn't until she heard her name being called throughout the house, by Chris and Amanda, that she realized she was even missed at all. Stephanie stood and bent over the bed, kissing Graham's forehead and whispering a soft wish in his ear for pleasant dreams. She returned to his bedroom door and gave his sleeping form a final, loving gaze, then she slipped out of the room and cracked the door exactly the way she had found it. The calls were closer now, and the footsteps thudding on the stairs told her that Chris and Amanda were coming back up to the second floor to look for her, so she decided to meet them halfway.
Chris was in front of Amanda, so he was first to catch sight of Stephanie. "There you are! We've been looking everywhere for you, babe. Didn't you hear us calling for you?"
"Not until a little bit ago," Stephanie answered.
"Where were you?" Amanda asked, coming up on Stephanie's side.
"With Graham," she said, but her voice cracked at the end of his name. She covered her mouth, struggling to gather the strength to finish her thought. She spoke from behind the shield of her hand. "Just watching him sleep."
"Well, what's wrong?" Amanda asked. She rubbed Stephanie's arm, and when Chris realized the severity of the situation, he walked up the few remaining steps separating him from his wife. He enveloped her in a hug, and that was the final straw that broke Stephanie, but Amanda was still busily searching for answers. "Steph, seriously, what's going on? Was Graham okay?"
"He's fine, but I don't know if I am," she mumbled, weeping gingerly into Chris's shoulder.
"Hey, come on now. Please don't cry, gorgeous. Whatever is bothering you, we'll work it out, just like we always do," Chris spoke tenderly, in a gentle tone he reserved only for Stephanie and Graham. He swirled his hand over her back and rocked her from left to right, kissing her hair every so often. Amanda rubbed Stephanie's back for a while as well, and Chris only had to take one look at her to see the fear in her eyes.
"Is this just her pregnancy hormones or is something really wrong?" Amanda asked.
Chris continued to hold Stephanie. "Actually, she just had a talk with me upstairs about a sensitive subject, and I think that's probably what she's upset about. Is that what's bothering you, Steph?" She said nothing, just kept her face buried in his shoulder, and Chris nodded to Amanda. "I'm so sorry to take her away from you. I just need to get her alone in our bedroom for one quick moment so we can square things away, then I'll bring her down so you guys can watch a movie or talk, or whatever it is you were planning on doing tonight."
"Okay, I understand," Amanda said, still looking worried. She patted Stephanie's back and kissed her head. "Love you, Steph. See you in a little while. Please take good care of her, Chris."
"I will; I promise," he said.
Amanda nodded and kissed his cheek as well, retreating down the stairs and into the sitting room to await Stephanie's return. Chris led Stephanie up the stairs into their bedroom, kicking the door shut behind them. He was first to take a seat at the end of the bed, and he pulled Stephanie into his lap. She dabbed at her eyes with her fingertips, so Chris lifted the end of his shirt, which fit loosely on him, and he used the lower hem to wipe the leftover tears from Stephanie's face.
"I'm so sorry that you're not feeling well," Chris said, swiping his hand over Stephanie's forehead to remove a few strands of hair. "Did I hurt your feelings?"
"A little bit."
"I owe you an apology, then. I'm really sorry, and I mean that with everything in me," Chris said. He kissed her cheek. "I didn't even think anything of our talk until I couldn't find you anywhere in the house. Then I backtracked and started wondering to myself, like, 'Was I too harsh with her?'. I don't want you to be in pain. I only want good things for you, and I want you to be happy, so if you're not, tell me what's wrong and I'll try my best to make it better. Did you feel like I blew you off?"
"Sort of."
"Come on, baby, I need you to talk to me, and I mean really talk to me," Chris said. "What are you feeling right now?"
"It just hurts, because I love Graham so much, and it's like music to my ears to hear him call me 'Mommy'. I love hearing that out of his mouth, and I feel like I want to make things official and adopt him, because if I were to do that, I would have the same parental rights as you do. Right now, I'm a stepparent, but if you were to decide you wanted to pack Graham up and leave, you could do that and my parental rights would be limited."
"I would never do that," Chris said. "I'm not going anywhere, not ever."
"I know," Stephanie replied. "That was only an example, but what I'm trying to say is that I won't have as many rights while I'm a stepparent. If I adopted Graham, that would legally give me the same rights as his biological mother would have if she were still here, and I want that. I want Graham to be my son for life."
"He is your son for life, and I've told you that before, plenty of times."
"But what if that's not good enough?" she pondered. "What if I want something more than that? What if Graham wants something more than that?"
"You're making good points, but this is hard for me, I'm not going to lie," Chris said. "No other woman in my life compares to you or the love that I feel for you, Steph, because you're once in a lifetime for me. I'll never meet anyone else like you, but I loved Carly, too. I really did, and there's this part of me that feels dread over even thinking about having her name removed from Graham's birth certificate. I need you to understand that the way I feel isn't your fault. It isn't anyone's fault. It's just that if I remove Carly's name, I'll have to admit to myself that she's really, truly gone and never coming back and that..." Chris got choked up and turned away, forcing out the rest of his sentence in a hurry. "That's a hard thing to deal with."
"I know it must be," Stephanie said, rubbing Chris's chest with her palm. Her forehead wrinkled with newly emerging sympathy lines, and she pulled Chris into a hug. "I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how hard it must have been to lose someone you loved in such a violent way. I know you loved Carly, and I wish you could know how broken my heart is for what you and Graham had, and still have, to go through."
"I know, Steph. I know," Chris repeated, rubbing her back to comfort her, even within his own grief. She gave him a couple of minutes, and they sat there together in silence, until Chris made the first move. He lifted his head from her shoulder. "We weren't married for long, but Carly and I had a talk about what we would want for each other in the event that something happened to one of us. Jeez, I've never said this to anyone before."
"It's okay. You can tell me," Stephanie said. Chris leaned forward and kissed her lips.
"I know I can. You're the only person I can ever trust with anything," he said. He rubbed at his eyes for a moment. "Anyway, she told me that if I ever lost her, she would want me to meet someone else and fall in love again. She said she hoped I would be able to meet a woman who made me happy and who was good to Graham. Then, I found you, and there's always this little part of me that wonders, like, did she send you to me? Maybe she was sick of watching me hurt and wanted to give me someone who would complete my life and be a mother to Graham, all at the same time."
"Chris, that's the sweetest, most thoughtful thing anyone has ever said to me."
"I just love you so much, and Graham does, too, and there's this part of me that almost wants to hang onto Carly, but then I look around and see how far I've come and how great of a life you and I have built together, and maybe this is the right thing. Maybe Carly wants you to take over the rights to Graham. She would have wanted him to have a mother in her absence, and I know that, because she told me herself. She would have wanted this, so all of my hesitance has to be coming from inside me, because I'm not fully ready to let go. And you know something, Steph?"
"What is it?"
"I think it's time for me to let go," Chris said. He swallowed thickly and spoke through the pain. "I need a little bit of extra time, though. Can you give me a chance to bring Graham back to Winnipeg? I want to take him to his mom's grave so we can talk to her, and if it feels right after talking to her, I want you to move forward with the adoption so you can officially be Graham's mother, once and for all."
"Thank you so much," Stephanie said, wrapping her arms around his neck. She clung to him, and Chris did the same with her. They stayed sandwiched together for a few sweet minutes, just bathing in the silence. Stephanie pressed her lips into the side of his neck. She left him with one final thought before climbing out of his lap and returning downstairs to meet Amanda. "Only if it feels right, Chris. The only way I want to adopt Graham is if it truly feels right to both of you."
"Time will tell."
