The following few weeks I spend keeping everyone at an arm's length away. I'm always quiet in classes, if I'm even there, and I get in bed before everyone else to avoid having to talk to them. Regan has stopped trying to speak to me, and I've avoided Lily since the night she spent comforting me. It's too painful to talk about, too hard for me to repeat what happened or try and explain it. Logically, it sounds stupid to be so hung up over a guy I was only with for a couple months—even Lorcan didn't affect me so badly—but I can't change how I feel. Even if he doesn't want me back, even if changing myself for him won't get him to want me again, it doesn't mean changes don't need to be made. The hair was a good start, but it was only a start.
I shuffle out of bed (alone in the dormitory having skived off first and second) and into the bathroom. Facing myself in the mirror, as I've done many times since Scorpius left, I'm disgusted by what I see. My face is so round, so full, and my thighs touch even when I spread my feet. My arms jiggle when I shake them, and I can easily pinch the skin on my stomach. In the back of my mind, I know these thoughts are familiar. In the back of my mind I remember how long it took me to stop thinking this way last time, how hard it was to recover. But it doesn't change anything. I love the hollow pain in my stomach, the familiar clarity I get after a few days like this. It's what finally made me see what I need to do to get over him. Lovingly, my fingers trace the edges of my ribcage, the ones that are finally becoming more noticeable…
"Rose Weasely!"
I hastily pull my tanktop down over my stomach as Regan storms in the bathroom, crashing through the door so abruptly that it slams into the wall. "What?" It's the first time we've spoken in days, and I'm a little startled by the intensity in her expression.
"Here." She holds out an apple, red and shiny. I shake my head and she thrusts it into my chest, forcing me to take it.
"Regan I'm not hun—"
She holds up a hand. "Save it. You're going to eat the damn apple whether you're hungry or not, then you're going to come with me to third period. No discussion."
"I don't feel like it." I say, and try to give her back the piece of fruit that makes my mouth water. But I have to control myself. I couldn't control my feelings for Scorpius, and look where that got me. One of the things I need to learn is self control.
"Hear that, Rose? That's me not giving you a choice." Regan lifts an eyebrow defiantly. "If I have to sit on you and shove the apple down your throat, you're going to eat it. If I have to get Albus to carry you kicking and screaming to your next class, you're going to go. You might want to ruin your life but I'll be damned if I let you." She leans back against the closed door, blocking my exit.
My eyes narrow—if there's one thing I can't stand, it's being told what I have to do. "You don't understand what I'm going through right now," I snap, "You have no right—"
"I have no right? I have no right?" She stalks forward, getting in my face. Since she's a couple inches taller than me, I have to tilt my chin up to meet her fierce gaze. "And what gives you the right, Rose, to do this to yourself? What gives you the right to push everyone who loves you away and make us watch, helpless, as you relapse and self destruct?" My face must've given some indication of surprise, because she continues, "Yeah, that's right, we knew. Albus knew, I knew, James knew, even Hugo knew, Rose. We all were forced to watch you slowly waste away and none of us are going to go through that again."
"Then leave." The words slip numbly through my lips before I even realize what I'm saying.
Neither of us say anything for a long moment. I set the apple down on the counter and push past her, into the dormitory. This time she doesn't try to stop me.
"Hey Weasley, can you pass me some newt eyes?" Affleck asks.
Yes, I actually decided to go to my next class—Potions with Slytherin. I pause in my grinding and hand him the ingredient.
"Thanks," He hesitates, then glances over his shoulder. I know what he's seeing—Scorpius and a new Slytherin girl with their heads bent close over a cauldron. "So I—uh—I heard about you and Scorpius. I'm sorry."
I shrug, and brush the powder into my cauldron. "I knew what I was getting into, I guess."
"Still, he seemed different with you. I thought that maybe—I don't know. I thought it was serious." He drops the newt eyes in without meeting mine.
It was serious, at least to me. But I just shrug again, and check how long I'm supposed to let the potion simmer. Far behind me, I hear Scorpius laugh. The sound makes my stomach turn, and I'm straining so hard to hear his conversation that I miss the next thing Affleck says.
"Sorry, what?"
"I was just wondering how you're doing. Regan seems miserable lately, and Albus looks kind of lost. I think they miss you." Affleck says, shooting me a knowing look. "You've always had a tendency to withdraw from people when you're hurting, Ro. But you need to let people be there for you."
I'm so startled that my hand slips on the pestle and it clatters to the floor. When I bend down to pick it up, I catch Scorpius looking at me. "I can't," I say to Affleck, still holding Scorpius's gaze. "It hurts too much now to let anyone in."
"Hey," Affleck's voice is soft, and I turn to face him. He's looking at me with a concerned expression, his brow furrowed slightly. "You can let me in. Even after we stopped seeing each other, you know you've always been able to talk to me."
"Yeah…" This was true. While Affleck made a decent boyfriend, he made an even better friend.
"Well, then talk to me now." He reaches out and puts his hand on the crook of my elbow. That small touch is the first physical contact I've had with anyone in a long time, and it brings tears to my eyes.
"I just don't know how to get over him, Affleck." Once they start, the words come tumbling out. "I—I was in love with him and he said he was in love with me and it was all so stupid—I was so stupid. Because he never loved me, I was just another conquest to him, which he proved when I walked in on him snogging that twit Titania. And then he said—he said all these horrible things, true things, and I—I—" The words get caught in my throat and I shake my head several times instead of finishing.
"Oh, Rose," Affleck opens his arms and pulls me against his chest. His school robes are soft, and they smell like him. They smell familiar, comforting. "I'm sorry. What did he say?"
"No," I move away and swipe hastily at my eyes. "It's not important."
"Regardless, I want to know."
I shift my weight from foot to foot. Telling Affleck might make things more complicated, but he did manage to get me to say more than I had to anyone so far. Maybe opening up would be good for me. "I don't know, just some stuff about it being a game, and me not being up to his usual standard and him doing everyone a favor by taking me off their hands or some—hey!" The 'hey' is because upon hearing these last words, Affleck tore away from the table toward Scorpius. He stalks toward him in almost the exact way James did, and I'm gripped with a strong flashback.
"Affleck what're you—" Scorpius starts to say, but is cut off as Affleck grabs him by the front of his shirt.
"You think it's funny to play with people's heads, Scorp?" Affleck demands, shaking Scorpius so violently his head snaps back and forth. I look around, but see no sign of Harken. Why were teachers never around when you actually needed them?
Scorpius wrenches himself out of Affleck's grasp, but doesn't reply. The girl he was flirting with earlier is watching the confrontation in an open-mouthed horror that the situation doesn't require. Git.
Affleck shakes his head in disgust. "You're off the team. Turn in your uniform after dinner."
The color drains out of Scorpius's cheeks. I watch as his jaw clenches, and I know he's about to protest. But with a sharp nod, he pulls out his stool and silently takes his seat. Affleck regards him another moment, then comes over to sit by me once more.
"Affleck," I murmur, because everyone is gaping at us. "I didn't want you to do that. He didn't need to be kicked off the team."
He flexes his hand, fixing me with a tight smile. "I didn't do it just for you. I did it because it would be impossible for me to be a good captain when I'd constantly be fantasizing about beating the snot of him."
A laugh bubbles up inside my chest, and I find myself smiling. For real, actual smiling. Then Professor Harken re-enters the room (even though I don't remember her leaving) and starts talking about the potion we're making. While everyone stops talking and switches their focus to the teacher, I scoot my stool closer to Affleck's and lay my cheek against his shoulder. Even if I couldn't bring myself to talk to Albus or Regan, I had someone now who I could lean on. And maybe, just maybe, I could get through this after all.
Later that evening, after everyone's just finished dinner, I take a stroll outside and head down toward the lake. There's a beautiful sunset along the horizon, with blossoms of pink and gold splashed across the sky. The icy Winter air fills my lungs and clears the buzzing in my head. My stomach is rumbling loudly, but I try and ignore it. It's not important. There's a rustling in the dry grass behind me, and someone takes a seat on my left. I knew who it was before the even sat down.
"What're you doing here, Hugo?" I ask, keeping my gaze focused on the horizon. In my peripheral vision I see him wrap his arms around his knees.
"Albus is worried about you. He told me what's been going on, or at least, as much as he knows. Which isn't much." Hugo says. It's been almost six months since we last spoke, but he's acting like nothing changed.
"So?" My voice, on the other hand, is cold.
"Can you not even look at me now?"
With a sigh, I turn to look at him. His hair, red as mine, is a bit longer now and grew into an unruly mop that curls around his ears. His blue eyes are squinted against the sun, and there's a new slump in his shoulders that wasn't there before.
The wind makes goosebumps spring up on my arms. "Why are you here, Hugo?"
"Albus said—"
"I know that's not it." I cut him off.
"And you always know everything, right Rose?" He counters heatedly. If there's one thing that my younger brother and I share (and there might only be one), it's our temper.
Apparently we're picking up right where we left off and I'm in no mood for it. "Why are you here? Why are you even talking to Albus? I was under the impression that you were done with all of us."
He scratches the back of his hand. "I'm not done with you, I just needed a break."
"How heartwarming." I drawl, narrowing my eyes.
"Don't give me that ice queen bullshit of yours, Rose, I'm so over that." Hugo snaps, arms taut with anger.
"Nice to know. Why don't you go back to whatever deadbeats you're hanging out with today? I'm sure they'd appreciate your company a lot more than I do." I turn my back on him, my cheeks burning with anger.
"So now my friends are deadbeats? What, Rose, do you consider anyone without perfect marks below your consideration?"
I still refuse to look at him. It would make me flustered, anyway. "No, I consider people who never go to class, lurk around the grounds, and try way too hard to be cool to be deadbeats."
"So what do you consider yourself these days, Rose?" Hugo's voice has a dead calm that I've never heard before. "People say you never go show up to lessons anymore. They say you spend all your time wandering around outside like a nutter, and watching Scorpius with big puppy dog eyes. Nice hair, by the way. You look like a lemon."
"Shut up!" I cry, whirling around and getting to my feet. For the second time today I feel tears in my eyes, but this time they're angry. "You don't know the first thing about what's going on, Hugo."
Hugo gets to his feet, too. "I know a lot more than you think. And I can't believe you were stupid enough to be taken in by Scorpius's bullshit, of all people. It's bad enough Albus hangs all over him, and now you're hooked too. Look at you. He's completely wrecked you."
"You're unbelievable." There aren't words strong enough to express my feelings. "You—you come back here after all this time just to insult me."
"I didn't start this, you did. I came here to comfort you." He says, crossing his arms.
"Great job." A tear rolls down my face, and it burns in the cold air. "I'm all better. See you in another six months."
He sighs, and it's a worldweary kind of sigh that makes me want to punch him. "We'll never be able to get along, will we? We're just—we're just too different."
I swallow hard. This feels bigger than not speaking for months. This feels real. "We're family."
"Yeah, but what does that really mean?" Hugo scuffs his foot against the ground, not looking at me.
"Not much, I suppose, since you ditched us all a while ago." I stick my hands in my armpits for warmth, and through a supreme force of will keep my teeth from chattering.
He kicks the ground a few more times before looking up. "It's not always so easy being the little brother of Rose Weasley, and James Potter's cousin."
I half-laugh. "And do you think it's easy being me? The reputation I have to live up to academically? I have no interest in following Mom's footsteps but it's like everyone expects me to. I'm trapped."
"You're not trapped, you can do anything you want. You're the perfect student, perfect child, bloody perfect everything. And I couldn't keep comparing myself to your marks, or James's popularity, so I had to take a break." There's a desperate plea in his voice now that wasn't there before. "Don't you get it? I'm nobody compared to my family. To become somebody I need distance, I need to be somewhere where people don't know the Potters and the Weasleys, someplace where I can make a name for myself."
"What are you saying, Hugo? You're dropping out?"
"No, of course not. But after seventh year…" He takes a deep breath as if steadying himself. "I'm leaving the wizarding world. I'm going to the live with the muggles. Nana and Papa already promised me a place to stay until I can find one on my own."
Shock, or cold, makes me feel numb. "Hugo…I know we don't always get along great but you can't abandon your family. You can't—you can't abandon me."
Hugo smiles a little. "Always so dramatic. I'm not abandoning anyone. The world's a big place, and I'm just going to see what else is out there. But anyway, that's not for another few years. What I really came here to talk about is you. What's going on with you, Rosie?"
And just like that, everything's okay. It really is like the last few months never happened, as my brother and I sit down and I tell him everything. I watch his reactions closely while I talk, and it's clear he really does care about everything I have to say. When it's over, he leans forward and hugs me.
"I'm sorry I haven't been around." He says, face muffled in my shoulder. "I won't leave you again, okay? Because, y'know, your life seems to fall to pieces the minute I'm out of the picture."
Laughing for real this time, I push him away. "You're so full of yourself."
He laughs too, then his expression turns serious. "You're going to be okay, you know that? This isn't going to wreck you."
I nod and smile, and generally feel better having my brother back. But even though everyone keeps telling me I'm going to be okay and I keep agreeing, I can still feel the empty ache in the pit of my stomach.
Too excited to do more than skim through for spelling mistakes (I say this every time, but hey this chapter has been a long time in the making). Enjoy!
