9/23/12
I really did have every intention of updating this sooner, but time got away from me… Sorry :(
Thanks to: WickedWhiskey, OrtizXIII, and blacksista4eva for giving me reason to Live and Miko Akako for being the best beta ever!
Shooting Star
Chapter 12
Very slowly, Kurt moved to the couch in front of Dr. Masters. She smiled at him and said, "Good morning, Kurt." This woman was far too cheery for it being this early in the morning. "I'm doctor Masters and I'm your psychologist. How are you feeling today?"
They must really like that question here, Kurt thought dryly, and said, "I'm fine considering." He shrugged and leaned back into the comfortable couch.
"How do you like Hope by the Sea so far?" Dr. Masters asked, folding her hand on her lap where she balanced a clipboard.
Kurt shrugged and said, "It's alright."
Dr. Masters smile and said, "So, what do you want to talk about?"
Kurt stayed silent for a few moments while he thought. In all truth, he thought therapy was a joke. People paid tons of money to lie on a couch and whine about their mommy issues. Kurt shrugged and didn't say anything.
"Ok, why don't you tell me a little about yourself?" She said, bringing one of her hands to fold under her chin as she stared at him.
"I'm 23 and a drug addict. There's not much to tell." Kurt stated simply, propping an elbow on the arm of the couch.
Dr. Masters nodded and made a note on the pad in front of her. She looked at Kurt and said, "That can't be all there is to know about you." The silver bracelet Kurt hadn't noticed immediately tinkled musically as she moved her hand again. "What made you come here?"
"A friend," Kurt said cryptically.
Mr. Masters opened a yellow folder and looked into it when she said, "A friend… David Karofsky?"
Kurt nodded and didn't say anything else.
"Was he an old friend? Or someone you just met?" she asked steadily, like Kurt's short answers didn't bother her at all.
"We knew each other in High school." Kurt stated.
"Tell me about him." Dr. Masters said, trying to get more information out of him.
Kurt sighed and asked, "He's my friend, what more do you want to know about him?"
"How about this:" Dr. Masters took off her glasses and said, "Tell me how he got you to come here."
Kurt frowned, not wanting to go into this… but he remembered what Sheila said: advance in therapy. So that probably means actually saying something. "For the last 4 years, I've been… working the street to get money for drugs." Kurt's voice was detached as he spoke, "about a week ago, David was driving around, and he saw me on the side of the road, took me home, and let me stay the night in his guest room." Kurt paused, wondering how to say the rest.
"Then what happened?" Dr. Masters said after a few seconds.
"Then," Kurt said, "He went to my work… the club, Pulse… and told me he wanted to help me…" Kurt scoffed lightly, "and I told him to stay out of my life."
"But he didn't." Dr. Masters said in a tone that sounded like a mix of a question and a statement.
"No." Kurt said, smiling. "He didn't, he took me to the theater where an old friend and I sang once… but I still didn't want to listen to him…" He paused; swallowing past a lump in his throat… he simply wouldn't cry over this damn story. "Then, 4 days later, I showed up on his doorstep and asked him for help." Kurt looked at the ground and waited for her to say something.
"Why?"
Kurt looked up at the doctor, whose head was tilted to the side in confusion. "Why what?" Kurt asked, confused.
"Why did you turn up on his doorstep?" She clarified, "What happened in those 4 days that made you want help?"
Kurt frowned, it's like this woman's purpose in life was to ask him things he didn't want to talk about. After a few moments of silence, Kurt slowly said, "The night before I went to him… I went with Nessie and the others to the corner, like we always did…" Kurt's voice was quiet, barely more than a whisper, but Dr. Masters didn't have any problem understanding what he said in the hushed office. "The others had all left around 10-ish… either to the club or with somebody…" Kurt started to shake, and it didn't have anything to do with the withdrawal…
"What happened after everyone left, Kurt?" Dr. Masters asked in a serious but calm voice.
Kurt took a shuddery breath as he continued with the story. "There was this guy, he talked to me before… he wanted to 'hire' me, but a cop drove by and spooked him away." Kurt said, trying to detach from the memory of him. "He came back a few minutes after everyone was gone." Kurt was clearly failing at maintaining detachment from what happened that night… he sniffled and continued, "He liked it rough and I tried to fight him… I haven't done much since I met with David… but he said, 'nobody believes a slut that cries wolf.' And he threw the money at my feet and left." Kurt looked around the office and quickly wiped away a tear before it had the chance to fall and said, "Then I started to walk… my feet just carried me to his house."
Dr. Masters didn't break eye contact as he told his story… when it was clearly done, she made notes on her paper. Kurt clearly didn't want to talk about this, but if he wanted to get healthy, he'd have to.
Secrets keep people sick.
"How did that make you feel?" Dr. Masters asked, a slight frown on her lips.
Kurt made an ugly sound in the back of his throat at what he thought was an incredibly stupid question. "Bad enough to come here I guess." He said, glad that the shaking wasn't nearly as bad as it had been. "I really don't want to talk about this anymore." Kurt stated, folding his arm across his chest stubbornly.
Dr. Masters nodded and made more notes. What could possibly be so fascinating that she has to write so much? Kurt thought, watching her pen fly across the page. "That's fine Kurt." She decided to change to a lighter topic… "Where are you from?"
"Ohio." Kurt stated, back to offering a little information as possible.
"Why did you come up to New York?" She asked.
"Broadway." Kurt said sadly. "I was going to sing on Broadway."
"You like to sing?" She asked, not necessarily surprised, but wanting to keep him talking.
"I was in my high school show choir, New Directions… I loved it." Kurt said, his voice soft.
"You didn't sing professionally?" she asked, tilting her head to the side.
"No." Kurt aid, his tone darkening.
"Why?"
"Things happen." Kurt stated. His tone clearly saying 'leave it alone'.
"Did something bad happen when you got to New York?" she asked quietly.
Kurt glared at her. Why was she doing this? He can't think of that… he doesn't have his drugs. It hurt too much to think about without that numbness the drugs brought him. But she was still expecting an answer, if he wanted to see anything beyond the 4 walls of his room, he'll have to tell her something…
"I left Ohio after my former teacher got married in September… I got to the city in late October." Kurt took a deep breath and omitted about a little over a month of his life from his story. "In December, my friend Nessie introduced me to this guy. She thought I was lonely, so she tried to set me up… with Mark." Kurt's voice held nothing. No emotion whatsoever as he spoke… he could have been telling her what to get at the store… "At first," Kurt said bitterly, "he was the best thing I could have ever hoped for."
After Kurt paused for a few more seconds, Dr. Masters said, "How so?"
"He listened to me…" Kurt shrugged. "He held me while I cried." Kurt scoffed quietly. "He was Prince Charming." He said darkly.
A small line appeared between the woman's eyes as he spoke of the tears he had shed in his 'prince's' arms… he should have been ecstatic to get to the city he had wanted to live in so badly… "Why would you cry?" she asked, scribbling more notes on the paper.
Kurt blinked, unaware that he let that slip. He hadn't meant to… it just came out… he silently scrambled for an excuse, but his drugless hazy thoughts came up with nothing. So he sat silently, staring at a spot a foot over Dr. Masters head, refusing to acknowledge he'd said anything about tears.
"Kurt?" Dr. Masters asked again, sighing as he refused to look at her again… she made a long note on her paper, "ok, Kurt. Please tell me what happened with Mark." She said, conceding on this topic for now. They have plenty of time for Kurt to talk about whatever happened.
Kurt tried to hide his tiny, relieved smile and said, "Turns out Mark wasn't what he appeared to be." Kurt clicked his tongue and said, "We were dating for about a month… then after we… you know…" Kurt paused, his face flushing… he waved his hand and Dr. Masters nodded, knowing what he was trying to say. "He gave me drugs. Heroin." He said this quietly. Completely lost in the past. "I didn't want to… By then, I'd never done anything worse than pot… but he was… insistent. He said I thought I was better than him because I didn't want to do the drugs, we fought…" Kurt shook his head… "I didn't want to lose him. So I tried it…"
Dr. Masters made a few notes, and looked back up at Kurt, who had a sad look on his pale face and a far off look in his eye.
With a small start, Kurt jerked back to the present. "It was great… I loved it and him even more… but then he had me do more… at least 3 or 4 times a week. I moved in with him… but after about a week of living in his huge apartment which turned out to be an old motel, I started seeing him less and less. Once, I hadn't seen him in days." Kurt wrapped his arms around his stomach. "I was sick." He shuddered slightly, telling the story of his first mini withdrawal period reminding him of his situation now… then, once everything got to be too much, (Usually about a day after he used last) he'd go to his dealer and do anything he wanted to get those drugs because the smallest amount of discomfort had been too much.
For someone who lost everything… a tiny prickle of pain can be unbearable.
So drugs were always there. But they aren't now.
"I was sick and he finally came back." He smirked, trying to detach again, but he remembered the night in vivid detail… like no drug in the world would wash his skin clean. "I immediately ran to him and he fussed over me, saying he should have come back sooner…" Kurt shook his head, looking at his legs folded in front of him. "I was too strung out to notice he had someone there with him. I was startled and tense; he looked at this guy and said, 'this is Oscar. He's been very good to us.' Then he patted his pocket where I knew he kept drugs. He said, 'now I want you to be very very nice to Oscar.' I didn't understand what he meant for me to do at the time. So I was nice to him like I'd be nice to any stranger that just randomly showed up in the place I called home. Then he started to get a little touchy feely with me…" Kurt swallowed past the lump in his throat, and continued, "I got it then… he wanted him to be my first… 'Customer.'" Kurt scoffed bitterly and said, "I couldn't do that. I wouldn't… I said, 'no- wait you can't be serious…' things like that…"
Dr. Masters spoke, "What did Mark say?" her voice was soft and kind…
"Mark was very serious. He said, 'yes, you can. And if you love me, you will.' He looked at me with his pretty green eyes and said, 'you do love me, don't you?'" Kurt ran a hand through his long hair… he'd have to get it cut ASAP… but one thing at a time. "I told him I loved him… I thought I did… so he told me, 'do this for me.' then he took my hand. 'do this for us.' Then he kissed me… but it was a different kiss than normal… it was cold and detached…" Kurt took a deep breath and said, "So, after taking another hit, I did it… and then Oscar left." Kurt shuddered… trying his hardest not to remember what it felt like… the only courtesy he paid Kurt was to use a condom. Now, almost 5 years later, he still couldn't forget it… like no matter how many showers with scalding hot water he took, he couldn't get clean…
But that's what the drugs were for. To make him feel all squeaky clean again… well… at least not feel anything at all.
Dr. Masters made another note, and looked up at Kurt. "That's all the time we have today Kurt." She gently put the paper she wrote on in a dull yellow file folder with Kurt's name on the tab. Kurt caught a glimpse of the date at the top, and the entire page covered in elegant hand writing… but he couldn't tell anything that she wrote, she shut the folder too quickly.
Kurt sighed, thanking whatever god there was that this ordeal was finally over for the day… "So, doc, how'd I do?" he asked, smiling.
Dr. Masters returned his smile and said, "You shared very well today Kurt." she said, but the smile disappeared as she said, "But I can't help but feel you held something back." Her voice held that questioning statement thing again as she stared at Kurt.
When Kurt said nothing, she pulled her glasses off her nose and said, "Maybe tomorrow." When Kurt stood up, she said, "I'll see you tomorrow Kurt."
And he walked out without saying a word.
So… Please review.
