I've experienced various amounts of pain throughout my life. From broken bones, gashes, hunger, stab wounds, to having my innocence ripped away from me. But this is different. This pain isn't physical, no it's imbedded deep in my mind, somewhere I can't reach and all I can do is lie back and wait for it to pass. I wait and wait, but the pain continues. I can hear the sound of distant screaming but I can't tell where it's coming from. Blue lights continue to flash behind my eyelids as the feeling of insects crawling all over my body triggers a wave of nausea to bubble up in my stomach. I don't think the pain can get worse, but I'm proven wrong when another swell of pain slices through my mind like a hot blade. The screaming gets worse. All of a sudden, a tugging feeling starts to weave its way through my head like a snake. It feels almost like someone's softly pulling at my hair and gradually it gets more harsh. The rough tugging continues until it turns into vicious clawing that makes it feel like my mind's being ripped away layer by layer. Black spots take the place of the blue and my mind finally goes numb. The screaming stops.


The sound of muffled voices brings me back into consciousness. As the feeling of a headache starts to blossom, the voices gradually get louder until the throbbing sensation grows to be unbearable. Attempting to open my eyes, I finally manage to peel them open only to snap them back shut when I'm faced with blinding white light. Blinking a couple times so my eyes can adjust, I'm finally able to fully open them to take in my surroundings. The first thing I see is a tall man, probably in his mid 40s, standing in front of me. Ivan. Behind Ivan is a line of officers, their hands firmly grasping their weapons at the ready.

"Natalia, what do you remember?" As soon as those words leave Ivan's mouth, everything comes rushing back. The Red Room, the Black Widow Program, the questioning, the brainwashing. "Natalia?"

The Soldier.

"I remember I'm being trained to become the Black Widow." I reply robotically, looking through Ivan as if he wasn't there. I think back to when I saw Velina get wiped and I try to copy everything she did. I want so badly to search for the Soldier but I know better than to do that now. I have so many questions, like why do I remember everything, why didn't the machine work, and do the other girls remember too?

"Do you remember anything else?" Ivan pushes, leaning in and and staring directly into my eyes. I keep my face blank, even his cigar breath doesn't make me falter.

"No, just the Red Room." He studies my face for a few more moments, then nods to someone next to me. Looking down, I finally realize my wrist and feet have been strapped down. As the restraints loosen and are being pulled away, I lift my wrists to examine the angry looking red marks that circle around them. I don't feel it, but it looks like it should hurt. The skin around my wrist has been rubbed raw and beads of blood have started to trail down my arm. The feeling of my ankles being released as well makes me look down, those too are a deep shade of red. I watch as the person very carefully loosens the last leather strap from my right ankle. The metal hand that briefly brushes against the sensitive skin makes my chest tighten and my breathing become shallow. I want to look at him, everything inside me tells me to look at him, but everyone else in this room's scrutinizing every move I make and I can't risk that. At least not now.

"Take her to the showers." Ivan calls behind his shoulder where the same officer that brought me from the training room emerges. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch as the Soldier stands back up and takes a couple steps back to make room for us to leave. The officer grips my arm with much force and hauls me out of the chair, dragging me to the door as if I weighed nothing. As the officer pulls me along, I'm barley able to keep up with him due to the still pounding feeling in my head which causes me to stumble a couple times. The officer grunts in annoyance every time I trip, making him move faster. When we finally reach the 3rd floor, I'm led around the corner until we arrive at the door to the washroom. Shoving me inside, I slip on the wet tile and fall to the floor. I catch myself in time so my head doesn't come in contact with the ground, not wanting my head to get worse. Remind me to kill him too before I get out of here. Looking up, I find Milgred, Lena, and Windeliena taking showers, looking down at me in confusion. They must not recognize me. Standing back up, I begin to discard my clothes. They don't continue to stare at me as I make my way to the farthest shower stall. Turning the pipe on, the icy water begins to soothe the aching in my head and numb my throbbing wrists and ankles. What am I going to do now? I wasn't suppose to remember anything. Everything's just become a lot more harder. Now I have to pretend I can't remember, but what am I suppose to remember? The other girls seem to not recognize me, so I'm not suppose to remember them. Are we suppose to remember the Soldier?

After I wash my hair and the blood from my skin, I turn the water off. Stepping out of the stall I notice the other girls have already left. The cold water that clings to my skin makes goosebumps appear all over my body. The towel wrack next to the door has a towel and some clothes waiting for me. Drying myself off, I stand in front of the mirror and examine my body. Most of the bruises have faded, except for a few still scattered across my stomach, on my leg, and one on my left cheek. The stab wound on my right arm has almost completely healed though, which means it won't be slowing me down much longer. As soon as I finish changing into my clothes, I step out of the washroom to find the officer who brought me in here waiting for me. He begins to walk and I don't question where we're going. On our way down the stairs I hear screaming, Yelena. Will she remember too? The officer leads me into the dining hall where a line of girls sit eating quietly. None of them turn to talk to each other or even turn to see who has just walked into the room. Like when Velina got wiped, they look completely detached from their surroundings. Speaking of Velina, she's not here. I don't think she'll be coming back either, it's not like it matters though, none of the other girls remember her.

Taking a seat next to Pouline, who doesn't react even when my elbow brushes against hers, I begin eating. I ignore the urge to look around at the other girls and continue spooning rice into my mouth. I'm almost finished eating when I hear the sound of footsteps heading towards the dining hall. The sound gets closer until it stops behind me. Someone takes their place next to me and begins eating as well. I don't have to turn to look at them to know it's Yelena. Eventually everyone finishes eating and we're ordered to line up at the door by Nikolay. Focusing on the back of Milgred's head, I listen as Nikolay strides up and down the line of us. I don't have to look up at him to know he's smirking.

"Look at all of you, mindless little girls who don't even remember their mommies and daddies." He begins, taking a handful of Yulia's hair and letting it slide through his fingers as he walks by. "And you."

Nikolay stubbles my way and then stops, leering down at me. He grabs my face with one hand, squeezing my cheeks together, and takes a fist full of my hair with the other, yanking my head back. Still staring blankly ahead, I can smell the whiskey on his breath that's making me want to rip myself away from him.

"You're so special, aren't you? So much better than the rest of us, Ivan's favorite." Nikolay spits, forcing out a humorless laugh. He's drunk, but I know most of the girls think this too, well use to think. His grip gets tighter, but I stay as still as possible. I know Ivan doesn't treat me any different than the other girls, him agreeing to wipe me being a good example, but no one can seem to look pass me being his step daughter, or whatever I am to him. "But you're nothing. Ivan doesn't really care about you, no one does."

What Nikolay says doesn't bother me, it's nothing I don't already know. I don't want anyone to care about me, I don't need anyone to care about me. I care about myself and that's enough. He releases his grip on my face and steps back, straightening his uniform and slicking back his hair. Everyone here fights for Ivan's attention, to be in his good grace, to be his favorite. The girls want to be the Black Widow and they think if Ivan favors them, they'll be just that. Whereas the officers want a higher ranking in the Red Room, so they try to please Ivan as much as possible. It's kind of pathetic to watch really.

Nikolay leads us out of the dining hall and towards the basement. He stands by the door and watches us get into bed and cuff our wrist. After a few moments, he finally turns around and walks back up to the 1st floor. My head's still pounding but it's not as intense as it was before thankfully. Every time I close my eyes, I see blue and white flashes that makes a wave of nausea pass through me. If trying to sleep was hard before, now it's even harder. I can only imagine what the Soldier goes through when he gets wiped. Shifting my body left and right, I try to get comfortable but fail miserably. A feeling of dread washes over me and an overwhelming feeling of panic fills my chest. Tears threaten my eyes and I close them as tight as possible, willing them not to fall. I'm fine, I'm not breaking, I'm fine. Everything will be fine. Only the breakable ones break. They will not break me. I repeat in my head over and over again like a prayer until I finally drift off to sleep.


I wake up a couple hours later to find the girls still asleep and slip out of bed. Quietly sneaking to the door that leads up the stairs, I make my way up to the 2nd floor. I have so many questions and I need answers. Nothing makes any sense. How was I able to remember unlike the other girls? Why did they wipe the memories of the other girls from each other? As I get closer to the training room door, I feel dizziness start to swim around my head. I know after being wiped that I really need to get some rest, but this can't wait. And neither can he, because I know he's waiting for me. Opening the training room door, I step inside. It's dark except for the moonlight shining down on the training mat. Walking closer I can make out the Soldier's figure sprawled out on the mat with his hands behind his head, he looks peaceful. All he has on are a pair of black sweatpants while his chest is bare, displaying scars that are plainly scattered across his front. The Soldier doesn't acknowledge me as I stand next to him and he doesn't even turn his head when I lie down. We both lay next to each other waiting for the other to speak first. Finally remembering that I'm the one that came up here for answers, I turn my head towards him. The Soldier still doesn't look at me and in a way I'm grateful, afraid of what his face might reveal.

"Why do I remember?" I ask in a voice that's so low I don't even think he hears me at first. With a heavy sigh, the Soldier squeezes his eyes shut in agitation and sits up. Sitting up too, I wait until he's ready to answer. Rubbing his eyes, the Soldier finally turns to look at me, his eyes for once showing me everything he's feeling. The way he stares at me makes it seem like it pains him to look at me. "You did something." I state, knowing full well he had something to do with this. I'm not sure whether to be grateful or upset.

Something flashes across his face, shame, guilt, regret, relief? His silence's more than enough to know what he's trying to say. The Soldier's face falls and he closes his eyes again, looking tired and lost.

"You can't forget." He whispers, gazing up at me with a frown. What I've been afraid of all this time since the Soldier got here has just been confirmed. He's compromised. I was hoping it would have just been me, so when I got discovered I'd be the only one to get punished or killed but now we're both at risk. I guess I always knew it went both ways, I just refused to see it. I don't want to ask why exactly he did it, for my sake and his. If I'm being honest, I don't really want to hear him say it out loud. My stomach begins to twist just thinking about what we'll do after this. We can both try as much as possible to act normal and pretend we both aren't jeopardizing our lives, but that's easier said than done. There's no going back from this. Wiped or not, I would have still been compromised. I know that, so I can't be upset with him but I don't want to be grateful either.

Falling back down onto the training mat, I gaze up at the crack in the ceiling. The Soldier soon follows, laying with his left shoulder pressing against mine. The cold from his metal arm causes goosebumps to rise on my arm but it doesn't bother me, instead I watch as snow begins to drift from the ceiling and onto my face. Grey light falls on both of us like a spotlight, illuminating our faces. Turning my head to the side, I notice how the Soldier's eyes become brighter in the moonlight. I can see every detail of his face, every scar. He has one right at the corner of his eye, it's practically invisible, all that's left is a pale line. Closing my eyes, I relish in the feeling of the cold drops of snow biting my face and the brightness of the moon behind my eyes. For a second I can forget about everything that's going on in the Red Room and just enjoy what's happening right now. It's like nothing else matters, nothing else exists but us. I can feel the Soldier's gaze on the side of my face and I turn to look back at him. We both just study each other's face, the same simple question burning in both of our eyes. Now what? Those 2 words lead to a whole new set of problems that I just don't want to think about right now, I can worry about it tomorrow. Right now there is no Red Room, no handcuffs, no Winter Soldier, no Ivan, and no Black Widow. There's just me and a soldier who doesn't remember his name.


YAY! Chapter 12! Hope you guys enjoy it and please R&R, it really makes me happy when you do. :)