I felt like I was in some kind of dream, going in and out and from one place to another. I didn't know what was going on around me because all I could see was my father's face. His smile, how it made me feel warm all over again like he hasn't left and was with me in years. It felt like a phase like I had an out of body experience. I could see everything happening in front of me, almost in a tilt now as more and more voices were coming in and out of my head.
"It's too much for him, Leia. He's leaning more towards the Dark Side than I thought before."
I could see my Uncle Luke and my mother talking each other, looking grave and speaking about my brother while I was watching in the middle of them though they could not see me at all. it was like I was a ghost, seeing it all pay out in front of me, and this had to have been when I was fifteen years old, maybe younger than that.
"This is what I feared, Ben being more like Vader than anything," My mother said in almost a sorrowful tone, a tear in her eye now as she was talking about my brother.
"I worry about how he was handling himself against the others. He's more hostile, more on the edge with his training than anything," Uncle Luke explained to her as he was folding his hands in front of him now, "The only one that he's not hostile to is Neyli."
"He's always been protective of her, too protective." My mother voiced to him now but having me see things fade out like I was going out of my own consciousness again now. Everything was shifting again like I wasn't on solid ground and the wind was picking up around me now, but I found myself in another new place, darker and more secluded. It didn't feel right, where I was and how it felt around me then.
I saw a young man, a mere teenager with a red saber, striking at the last youngling in a large room and having me see the youngling fall to the floor now. It scared me, see the same red lightsaber that I saw in the forest being held by this teenager and seeing the rage there, the darkness and the hate within those eyes as he was now looking around himself, to find another person to maybe find and kill now.
I watched to see if I knew who it was, those same eyes that I knew were my brother's and the same face, but it was different. It was far deadlier and sinister, not one ounce of warmth was along his skin or there in his stance. His look was determined and rigid, and I could hear him call out one name that gave me an instant shiver down my spine in my spot as a ghost within this apparent memory.
"Neyli!"
There as one more memory that came thought, having me see another scene of this trip down memory lane and it was of myself, sprawled out on a table at the age of fifteen, out cold from something that happened to me. I could tell, from the amount of debris around the scene and how I could see intense damage within that room, that it was within the training room of the Jedi Temple, or what used to be the Jedi Temple.
It was in bits and pieces now, like a huge battle came through and it was now showing the aftermath. I was out cold on the same table that I chose my Kyber Crystal some years before, the same table that I would use my technique of the Force, but now it looked like I was barely breathing there and Uncle Luke was near my head. I saw it in his eyes, the soot and grime there and he too went through something there at the Temple, having me really wonder what was going on as he placed his hands on either side and he looked like he was about to be in tears now.
"I have to erase her memory," I could hear him say in almost a broken manner, more like on the brink of despair was there in his voice now as he closed his eyes, "She can't know what happened to Ben."
I wanted to call out to him, to see him that broken and that distant, it did not sound like how I remembered him when I was younger. I wanted him to stop, to explain what was going on and how it was both not making sense and making total sense all at the same time. But I found no voice within me, like my vocal chords, was shut off within seconds.
It was all dark again.
Slowly, I was opening my eyes and I was hearing heart monitor next to me, going nice and steady and slow. I had a blink a few times, the light as blinding me almost in an unpleasant way now as I was seeing a huge light above me and it was making me squint. I had something attached my arm, like a needle that was feeding me medicine as my other hand on my right side, was being occupied by something warm and calloused. I had a blanket on over my body near my upper chest down, I was wearing what I could feel to be a shirt and short underneath, but I then felt something secured to my hip, right where the wound was.
Oh God, it was all coming back to me within a second.
The wound on my hip, how I felt like I was going to pass out from all of the pain, me using The Force, seeing my father die in front of me. Oh God, my own father…he was no longer there. I could no longer say it was a dream, it felt so real how my own heart broke and my own mind was going haywire. I could see it over and over within my head, Han Solo falling over the small bridge and into nothingness, me seeing the saber piercing him through the chest and his eyes wide. It felt like a knife was piercing me too when I saw it happen to him, and yet here I was. I was alive, and he was dead.
My father was dead.
I finally was starting to realize where I was: the medical ward in the hanger. I knew it was the medical ward from plenty of injuries and fall backs when I was training, but this was different. I wasn't in the common medical ward, where they would hold and treat the regular pilots. This was a quarantine kind of ward, a private room that was hardly used unless it was for a serious situation. The blankets felt soothing against me, but the wound there against my side was still healing and it had the same aching that I remembered from when I was on the planet there, with every breath another around of aching was felt and experienced. My hair felt plastered there under my neck, a braid was felt there to either move away from my eyes and get out of the way. I wondered what the hell was going on and why I was there on a bed, seeing my brother's face in front of me, to thinking it was my brother's face.
Then I felt my hand move, or what was in my hand.
It made me move my head slightly in that direction, my neck stiff from being still for so long there and I saw what was holding my hand there, but it was more like who. Hunched over, head against the bed near my leg and his breathing showed it was even and deep, was none other than Poe. He was fast asleep, head facing me and I felt my own heart breaking again. I haven't seen him since we left for StarKiller since we were starting this new mission that could save us all. But there he was, holding my hand gently with him own like I was so delicate to him. I could see in how he was still sitting in the chair, leaning against my bed there and having my feel the set of heaviness there along his shoulders and head, he's been at my bedside for a long while now.
For some reason, even with me being there on the bed and going trough hell and back, and seeing things that I wish I could erase from my mind, I was slowly feeling a small sense of relief there on my face. I was no longer in danger, the walls within myself that I knew I was building up was still trying to build up more and more now and not want to fall down around me. I had to think positive, to think more on the plus side that I was alive and I got by with the mere skinning of my teeth. Seeing Poe there in front of me was a small sense of happiness there, only a very mere flicker of happiness compared to the sadness and despair that I was still harboring and coiling up inside.
I squeezed his hand, without any realization behind it, and I heard him inhale sharply while he was waking up. He shot his head up, blinking a few times to get the sleep out of his eyes and then he looked away from me, not seeing me, at first, wide awake and looking at him and I watching him as he blinked a few times, as if he fell asleep and woke him up plenty of times before. He looked scuffed up like he has been here for days and days on end and nothing moved him out of the room.
His hair was disheveled, his eyes were a bit bloodshot, scruff was there on his face, even his clothes looked wrinkled and messed up. This was a side of him that I have never seen before since I was used to seeing him always cleaned up and looking professional as one of the best pilots of the Resistance. This was not a side of him I have ever seen, looking afraid and out of place. He was still holding my hand, and he was looking at my heart monitor, maybe in hopes that something changed.
"Poe," I finally said to him in a raspy tone, seeing him look back at me within seconds with wide eyes of shock and silence. We were staring at each other, me in the bed and Poe next to me in his chair, his look was of pure shock and fear there as he was holding my hand a little more tightly now. Was he trying to see if this was a dream? Was he thinking his mind was tricked? But I stared right back at him now, now seeing a single tear coming from his eye.
I haver never seen him cry, not even when hr was missing his father or mother from time to time, he never once cried in front of me. But I saw the tear, going down his cheek onto his chin now as he breathed out slowly through his mouth as like he was letting this sink in.
Finally, he leaned over to me to press his lips to my forehead, his other hand that was not holding my own went into my hair to lace his fingers there against my locks and I felt him trembling against my forehead with his lips and fingers. It was real, he was there and I was alive.
"Neyli-Organa Solo, you scared me," He said into my skin with such a broken tone that it was killing me see him like this. I just sat there, trying to breathe myself all over again now as that wall that I felt was so strong to keep up, was slowly deteriorating and coming down from all I was feeling. When Poe pulled away from my head to look right at me, having me seeing him and finally feel the sadness buried within me come back over me like a blanket to cover me from the light. Those eyes, the same ones that were warm and kind and loving, were filled with sadness and despair. I knew why, he didn't have to say it as I felt more tears piercing my eyes and I closed them in defeat.
He knew. He knew about Han.
"Neyli..." He tried to pull be back, to get me to where he was in the room, but I was far gone. My father, his face in my head and the knowledge that he was no longer alive was killing me. The was were crumbling, the sense of togetherness that I thought I had been no more. I felt unhinged, I felt raw, and I felt it all over me now as I was shaking then in the bed. Poe was still calling my name, but I was still thinking about how I had no more father. He was gone, and there would be no more promise of time together, or moments to fly together in the sky.
It was shattered.
The lights in my room were blazing now, getting brighter and brother with more and more sadness and rage seeping through me. I was no longer in control of my own link to The Force since it was showing in my emotions then that I was beyond sad, angry, and confused as to why my father had to be the one who died. I screamed, Poe wrapped his one arm around me to hold me back to the bed now as I screamed into the room and the light were popping out, one by one now as I was letting out the pain I was feeling and willing to bottle up. I wanted my father back, I needed my father back. It was not fair in the slightest as I heard running steps coming over to our room and the door opening.
"Sshhhh, I have you, Neyli. I won't let you go, I have you," Poe said to desperately to me now as I was no longer screaming but sobbing there within his arms, leaning against him now as I was feeling number than anything.
"What happened? The backup generator for the medical wing had to be kicked in—"It was my mother, but she stopped when she saw me. I was crying into my boyfriend's arms, who was holding me close to him and keeping me safe there in the bed. Such a sigh for my mother to see, her daughter who was nearly dead weeping in the arms of her best pilots because of the death of her father. Nothing made sense to me anymore, nothing at all now as I was just getting the pain I was feeling out of my system before it was going to be worse.
"Give them some room," I heard my mother say out loud in a low tone.
"We need to check her vitals and run some tests." I heard one of the medical droids say to her as I felt Poe kiss my hair again in a loving way now.
"Do them later."
"But, General Organa—"
"I said, do it later." My mother was trying to help me, give me some time to breathe and mourn what happened to me. I could tell in her own tone, that she was mourning too.
At least, I wasn't the only one.
"Where's Finn and Rey?" I asked Poe now, back in my bed and he was sitting next to me again, still holding my hand was refusing to leave me side for the time being. After my mother told the rest of the medical staff to give both Poe and myself some space, I collected myself again and was running on empty from the extensive use of The Force that I inflicted on my room. I felt a bit embarrassed on how I handled it, but then again it could be worse.
"Finn suffered from a lightsaber wound, by the Jedi who was trying to stop them both from leaving," Poe explained to me softly then, his eyes looking bit more hesitant when he mentioned his friend being hurt, "He's recovering in his own room down the hall."
"And Rey?"
"She left with Chewbacca and your Uncle Luke's old droid: R2-D2. He had the last piece of the map to find him, Neyli. She went to go find him," I wanted to be happy, to hear that my Uncle was going to be found once and for all, that we found all that we were looking for and we were going to have a happy life. But no happiness was left in me, not anymore. It was robbed of me, as bad as it sounded. I wanted to be happy, I really did. I tried to smile to show that I was happy to hear the news, but the smile itself looked faker than anything then and I knew Poe could see it. He squeezed my hand in reassurance then, noticing the pain there on my face.
"Does it go away?" I asked him out of the blue, seeing him look at me with a knitted look of confusion.
"Does what go away?" He asked, having me look at him dead in the eyes. I had to ask him, as selfish as it was going to sound coming out of my mouth, I had to know since I was new at this kind of pain and loss within myself.
"The pain…after losing your dad?" I asked him in almost a sheepish and cowardly way. How foolish and mean was I to asked him that, when I knew he would miss both his mother and father from time to time, To him, it was still a wound that was opened and was never going to be closed, and here I as rubbing salt in the wound. I was expecting him to look at me dead in the eyes and hate me from bringing up his own father, I was ready to be yelled at, or, at least, see him storm out and never see me again.
But he scanned my eyes for a moment or two, and he did the opposite. He leaned over to press his lips on my own then and holding it there for me to feel it down to my bones. I held it too, not wanting to lose that small spark within that kiss that was trying so hard to bring me back to the light again. Poe was trying to do that for me, to get me out of the darkness and back to the light at I used to inhabit constantly.
He pulled away from me, the both of us inches apart from each other as he looked at me dead in the eyes and nodded his head.
"It's not permanent, but I know you can survive it," He said to me. He was right: this was going to come and go when it felt like doing so. I was not going to sulk forever in this, I was going to rise up from it again and move on in my life. Even while I was still tender in that moment in the medical ward bed, in the arms of a man whom I knew I loved with my whole heart, I had to believe that this pain was not going to stay with me forever. I then thought of the other part of the pain that I was feeling, the other factor that was going into this and it made me freeze up and become tense there in the bed.
'What is it?" Poe asked me, looking a bit concerned at me now inc I was looking white as a sheet than before. I saw his face in my head again, the face I haven't seen in over a decade and I thought was lost forever. But he was there, and he was still alive.
"The Jedi…" I said to Poe, looking at him dead in the eye with worry and fear, "It was Ben."
My brother...was Kylo Ren.
