Jar Jar was done being surprised by how much he failed at everything. As he stared at the sinking form of his ship, he felt nothing but pure indifference. Of course he had lost control of the steering. Of course he had done a nosedive when he entered the planet's atmosphere. Of course he had crashed in the middle of a stinky swamp. He had screwed up badly . . . so, so badly. It was to be expected. Jar Jar was a failure in every sense of the word.
Turning away from the crash site, Jar Jar sighed with exhaustion. He stepped over an exposed root, and was surprised to find that the ground was incredibly slippery on the other side. He fell on his posterior and grunted in pain.
"Uh!"
He cringed and lifted his arms, which were now covered in thick slime.
"Oh, icky goo . . ."
He flicked off the gobs of sludge and got to his feet, slipping a few times before regaining his balance. He trudged across the cold, wet terrain, lifting his feet in high steps to avoid getting stuck. The swamp was a foul-smelling dump of an ecosystem, and Jar Jar was not eager to find out whether or not the animals that lived in this area were equally vile. It was hard to guess, since the ground was covered in a thick fog that concealed everything below his knees. Or was it mist? Was there a difference, even? Perhaps it was a gaseous emission that would prove to be cancer-causing. In any case, it was not a friendly environment.
"Hidoe?" Jar Jar called, "Mesa lost. Is anybody a-hearen me?"
He flapped his arms in panic as his foot got stuck in the mud. He pulled it out with great difficulty, lost his balance, and fell over.
"Oooooooooh . . ."
When he lifted his face out of the puddle, Jar Jar gasped. Someone was standing in front of him. The mysterious figure was wearing dark robes, just like Jar Jar's father had donned when he stole the lightsaber on Coruscant. This time, he wouldn't let the mysterious person get the upper hand. Jar Jar whipped out his lightsaber, but dropped it just as quickly, because his hands were still wet from the fall. The mist made it hard to see where it had landed. He tried to fumble around, but the figure stepped on his hand gently.
"Don't attack me. I'm here to help you."
Jar Jar gulped and stood up when his hand was released. The stranger picked up the lightsaber and gave it to him. Jar Jar looked down at it, then back up at the man.
"Who are you?"
The figure coughed.
"That's, uh, that's not really relevant to our discussion, but I'm very important where I come from. See, I've always liked you, even though nobody else does. You're the key to all of this. If we can get you working, it will solve everything."
Jar Jar cocked his head.
"Mesa not sure my understanden."
The figure fumbled with his robes a little.
"See, this story is kind of beyond my control now. They wouldn't let me direct again. I was mad about it. I may have gone too far in a few places. But that's not- that's not the point. You're never gonna beat George Binks. No one can. Not unless they're, uh- a Jedi. You have to hit him with your lightsaber, Jar Jar. We've never seen you use it in battle before, so this is going to be really exciting for the fans."
"But mesa bad at fighting," he admitted with embarrassment, "My losen berry fast."
"See, no, because you're the hero of this story now," the stranger muttered, "It's all very complicated, but it's stylistically designed to be that way. We can diminish the effects of it . . ."
Jar Jar blinked.
"Yousa nutsen."
The figure sighed.
"Everyone keeps saying that, but it's not true. I mean, I'm so . . . bold . . . and they really don't know what they're talking about. And why do they think I'm racist for making you? I'm not racist! I made Red Tails, goddamn it! I'm a genius! I'm a visionary filmmaker! No one understands me because I'm ahead of my time."
Jar Jar nodded slowly.
"And what is your plan? . . ." he asked.
The man puffed out his chest valiantly.
"I'm gonna train you in the Jedi arts. You can wave your sword at the little flying thingy with your blast shield down. That'll make you strong or something. We need to bulk up your arms. They kind of . . . don't have much in them. If you want to fight successfully, you need to be muscular. It takes beefy arms to hit people with a lightsaber. If you exert yourself too much, it will be bad for everyone. Know what I'm saying?"
Jar Jar rubbed his chin.
"Yousa think my can become a Jedi?"
The figure nodded loosely.
"Yeah, yeah. You can. I mean, you don't have midi-chlorians, but . . ."
Jar Jar lifted his lightsaber. The blade shot out of the hilt, humming sinisterly. After turning it around a couple of times, Jar Jar bit his lip.
"My used this to hurt Owen . . ." he whispered, tears brimming at his eyes.
The man shrugged as Jar Jar turned off his lightsaber and put it in his pocket.
"Yeah, you hurt him bad, but it doesn't matter. He survived."
Jar Jar's jaw dropped.
"Owen's alive?!"
The man nodded casually.
"Oh, sure. He's with Claire and the others on the lava planet."
Jar Jar lifted his chin and stood up straight.
"I'm going to save them," he declared without hesitation.
The figure held up his hands as Jar Jar turned to leave.
"No! Don't do that! That's a very bad idea! You'll be killed!"
Jar Jar paused. Slowly, he faced his mysterious mentor with a solemn mien.
"Even if that's true, I'm still going to try. I'd rather lay down my life to save my friends than stand by and watch them be murdered. I know what it's like to let the enemy get the upper hand. That won't happen again."
The man scoffed.
"Why are you talking different? Is that a continuity error?"
Jar Jar shook his head.
"No. I'm speaking this way because I know what I have to do. I'm not scared anymore."
The figure stared in disbelief as Jar Jar ran away.
"Come back, you stupid Goonga! Is friendship more important than your training? You don't even have a functional ship anymore! How are you supposed to get it working? You don't have enough midi-chlorians to pull it out of the swamp goo, I'll tell you that much! You're going to fail, you miserable coward!"
Jar Jar paid him no mind. The figure growled and kicked a tree angrily.
"You're a stupid Sith-face! You cut off Owen's hand! Nobody's gonna like you after that. I'm gonna have to change it so that he was about to attack you first. Do you know how much digital artists charge per hour? I'm gonna have to export that shit to Korea!"
The Gungan disappeared into the fog.
"Are you even listening to me?!" the cloaked figure spat.
When Jar Jar did not return, the man pulled off his hood and marched away angrily.
"Fine. Forget this. I'll find another franchise to ruin."
***TSSWFEW***
Claire screamed in pain as a particle beam shot through her wing. Owen clung to one of her horns fearfully, trying to stay perched on her neck as they sped across a volcanic terrain.
"We're not gonna make it!"
E- swerved chaotically above them, carrying Rey in her talons.
"Why the hell does he have TIE fighters?! He's George effing Binks, not an Imperial Officer!"
Claire did a barrel roll, narrowly avoiding two more shots. Owen gasped and squeezed her tight.
"Ack! You're choking me!" she rasped.
"I'm going to fall!" he shrieked, "I only have one hand to hold on!"
Claire grunted.
"You're a lot heavier as a human, you know . . ."
They both screamed as a pillar of lava shot up in front of them. Claire spiraled out of control and landed heavily on the ground. E- turned around to rescue her. The fleet of TIE fighters was obviously not prepared to fight a fire-breathing animal. One by one, they were tossed into the lava. The last ship disappeared with a quiet "bloop". Satisfied, E- placed Rey on the ground and walked over to Claire. When she turned her over, she gave a horrified shriek.
"What is it?" Claire asked in panic, "Am I injured?"
E- shook her head.
"No, you're just super ugly. It scares me every time."
Claire gave her a light kick and stood up. She helped Owen to his feet, but he seemed too dizzy to stand. He draped himself over her neck and moaned.
"I don't feel so good . . ."
Claire gulped and patted his back.
"It's okay. We'll make it out of here alive, I promise."
He ran his fingers over her scales drowsily.
"But everyone here is our enemy. Where do we turn?"
E- looked at him seriously.
"To the stars, Owen. To the stars."
He narrowed his eyes.
"Fuck off."
Claire sighed.
"We're stranded on a lava planet. Great."
E- sat down.
"Well, I guess this means we're going to die here."
"No, I don't think so," Claire muttered, "I don't feel like this is the end. It can't be. There has to be a way out of this."
"Like what?" Rey asked.
"Well, E- seemed to be taking care of those spaceships pretty good. If we sneak back to the base, we could hijack one."
E- scoffed.
"Your plan is to head towards the people who are trying to kill us?"
Claire nodded.
"They won't be expecting it, and besides, what other choice do we have?"
Owen coughed. Claire leaned forward and set him down on the ground gently. He rested his injured arm on his chest and took a few shallow breaths.
"We won't make it very far. TIE fighters have a limited range. What use is a ship, anyway? We can't fly home. The only way to end this is to defeat Jar Jar's father. If he's as powerful as he seems, we don't have a snowball's chance."
"Does that mean you're giving up?" E- asked.
Owen shook his head.
"No . . . No. We can't let ourselves get licked. We just need to-"
He began to hack noisily. E- rolled her eyes.
"Is it really necessary to cough like that? Does your lack of a hand somehow affect your lungs?"
Owen sighed.
"This is miserable. I guess I asked for it. In any case, we can't stay here. They're bound to find us."
Claire curled her tail around her feet. Owen was clearly not well enough to travel.
"Maybe we can wait here for a little while longer," she mumbled, "I'll recharge for a bit, then-"
"Fight George Binks?" Owen interrupted, "No, that's a bad idea. Now that we're sure he has dark magic on his side, there's no telling what he's capable of."
Claire shrugged.
"I pinned him down once before. He's a Gungan. How hard can it be?"
Owen blinked in surprise.
"You used the correct term . . ."
Claire smiled.
"I'm a fast learner. Of course, it helped that we spent so much time with Jar Jar. If I had to guess, I'd say that that was part of the reason his father was so angry with us."
Owen froze.
"Say that again."
Claire raised her eyebrow.
"What? The thing about him being angry with us?"
Slowly, a smile crossed Owen's face. He sat up with renewed energy.
"George Binks has a weakness."
"So?"
"I have a plan."
