Chapter 12:

Amy poured herself a cup of tea and went to sit down on the couch. She and Ty had barely spoken, since last night. She was still awake when he had finally returned from checking on the horses, but other than mumbling 'goodnight', he didn't talk to her and wouldn't look at her. Of course, she didn't really feel like talking to him either, since it seemed like she always made things worse.

The rest of the night, she had tossed and turned, unable to get any decent sleep. In the quiet of the night, all of her fears and concerns, about being a mother, echoed louder in her head.

When morning arrived, she was almost relieved to be able to get up and distract herself with the day's responsibilities. Unfortunately, Ty's words (from the night before) began to play in her mind, like a broken record.

"You're his or her mother, Amy, and you need to start acting like it."

Amy stared at her tea, not sure if she wanted to drink it or put it down. "You're his or her mother," Ty's voice repeated in her head, "This isn't about you anymore...it's about our child." The tea began to ripple and Amy realized her hand was shaking. She thought about setting the cup down, before she spilled it, but the signal never reached her arm. She remained there holding the cup and just staring at it.

"Amy?" a voice called up from the barn, startling her and causing her to drop her tea.

"Ow!" she yelled, as the mug hit her foot and hot tea splashed on her legs.

"Are you okay up there?" the voice asked.

"Uh, yeah," she answered, then she heard footsteps coming up the stairs. "Everything's fine," she added, "I don't need help-"

"What happened?" Jack asked, coming into the loft.

"I just... I spilled some tea, but it's fine, you don't-"

"Just stay right there, I'll get some towels," he said, going to the kitchen.

"Here," he handed her the towels, "you can start mopping up the tea, I'll get something to put the broken mug in."

After the mess was cleaned up, Jack poured a fresh cup of tea for Amy. "Now you be careful this time," he said handing it to her.

"I will," she said, but her hands were still shaking and Jack changed his mind.

"On second thought," he said, carefully taking the cup back and setting it down, "are you sure you're okay?"

He joined her on the couch and Amy knew that he wasn't going to leave until they had talked. "I'm fine grandpa," she lied, "I'm just tired."

"Just tired, huh?"

"Yeah, that's all."

"Amy, you have never been good at lying. A few weeks ago, you passed out and could've been trampled by a horse, if I hadn't seen you and gotten to you in time. Then, you started keeping to yourself more and more and Ty tried telling us you just had the flu. Well, he's not very good at lying either, I'll have you know. Now, you're sitting up her, shaking like leaf, spilling your tea, and trying to convince me that everything is fine? That you're just tired?"

"It's complicated," she told him, still hoping he wouldn't press the issue.

"Complicated, huh? Well, I have some time, so how about if you just be honest, and tell me what's actually been going on with you?"

"Grandpa," Amy said, giving in as a mix of words and tears escaped her, "I don't know what to do. Everything is a such a mess. Ty's mad at me, and I just keep making it worse. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I can't just be happy. It was never supposed to be this way -"

"Woah, slow down," Jack said, putting his hand on her shaking shoulder. "just calm down, it's okay."

After Amy took a couple breaths, Jack asked, "Now, what's going on? Why is Ty mad at you?"

"Because," she wiped her eyes and took another breath, "I'm pregnant."

Jack wasn't sure what to say, he wanted to congratulate her, but it sounded like this wasn't a happy occasion. "So, Ty's mad at you for being pregnant?" Jacked asked, trying to make sense of what his granddaughter was telling him. "That doesn't sound like Ty."

"No," Amy shook her head and clarified, "Ty's thrilled, he can't wait to be a dad."

"Okay," Jack said, still trying to follow along, "so why is he mad at you?"

Amy stared at her cup, which was still sitting on the coffee table; this was the part that she had been dreading talking about. If Ty couldn't understand how she felt, how would her grandpa? She didn't want him to think of her the way that Ty, apparently, did.

"I can't read your mind, Amy, you're going to have to talk to me."

Without taking her eyes off of the cup, she answered, "I don't want to be pregnant. I don't... I don't want to be a mom."

Jack had, honestly, not expected to hear that from his granddaughter and he wasn't sure how to respond. The two of them just sat there, not saying anything, for a moment. Amy was wondering what her grandpa was thinking, and Jack was wondering what he should say to his granddaughter. Finally, Jack asked the obvious question, on his mind, "Why don't you want to be a mom?"

Amy shrugged, not because she didn't know the answer, but because she didn't know how to explain it.

"Are you scared?" Jack suggested.

Amy nodded, "But, it's more than that," she said. "I don't want anything to change, and I want to be able to focus on my work with horses, and I don't want to have even less time to spend with Ty..."

"I see," Jack said, "I can understand feeling that way."

"You can?" she asked, finally looking at him.

"Sure. You know, I was expecting a baby once," Jack said, smiling, "and I remember feeling a lot like you do now. I was on the road all the time and we didn't have much money, so I couldn't figure out we were going to make it work with another mouth to feed. And I, like you, didn't want everything to change."

"What about Grandma? Was she scared at all?"

Jack chuckled, as he reflected on Lyndy's pregnancy. You know," he said, "at first, she was excited and couldn't wait to be a mother, then she was terrified and certain that having a baby was a mistake, then a week later, she was excited again. It was the hormones, I guess."

"This doesn't feel like hormones, though. What if I never feel any differently?"

Jack pulled Amy into a hug, and told her, "You will. It just takes some time to get used to the whole idea."

"How long did it take you?"

"Oh, now you're asking me to really stretch my memory," Jack said, with a laugh, "actually, I remember the first time I felt Marion kick and it was like a light went on for me. She was a real baby, my baby. I couldn't see her yet, but she was there. After that, I really started picturing myself as a father and began looking forward to it."

"So, maybe there's hope for me yet?"

"Of course, there is," Jack assured her, kissing her on the head. "I think, everyone feels the way you do, at some point. Come to think of it, I even remember your mother coming to me, in a bit of a panic, while she was pregnant with Lou. Seems, she was afraid she wouldn't know what to do with a baby, because horses were her thing, not people."

"That sounds familiar," Amy said.

"I thought it might," he laughed, "you've always been just like your mom. Which is why, I figure, you're going to be a pretty great mom."

"I wish mom was here now," Amy said, crying again.

"I know, I wish she was here too," Jack agreed, hugging her tighter.

Amy was glad that her grandpa had come up and insisted on talking. It helped to know that even her mom and grandparents had experienced what she's been feeling, at some point or another. She still wasn't looking forward to the changes and responsibilities that were coming, but maybe Ty and grandpa were right... maybe, with time, she would begin to see things differently.