Part 12

They walked next to one another, Olivia's ear pressed up against the phone filling in the DA about the evidence they had secured from the scene that morning. Amanda glanced over at her, taking in the beauty that was Olivia Benson in the midst of a day. Her hair was already pulled into a messy bun, her eyes were dark from lack of sleep that these last few days on the investigation had taken from her. And yet she was as gorgeous as ever.

Amanda pulled at her cigarette, her calming mechanism after having seen the gruesome murder scene. She wondered, as she exhaled a cloud of smoke, how Olivia coped with all the things she had seen. She'd observed the older woman, has watched her at crime scenes. She knew that they got to her, had watched the disgust and sadness cross over her visage. But then she was emboldened by this disgust, she went full force at the perp, not stopping for anything.

Except stopping, perhaps, for this afternoon walk in the park with Amanda.

They paused near an alcove, Olivia turning to face Amanda, watching as she exhaled a cloud of smoke as she spoke to the DA. "Yeah, we'll keep you updated. No, I don't anticipate the witness will go back…yes, by all means. Do what you need to do…goodbye counselor." And then she hung up her phone and smiled at Amanda. "Sorry about that."

"Hey, it's puttin' the bad guys behind bars. I can wait." Amanda laughed.

Olivia grinned, reaching out to take Amanda's hand covertly in their hidden location. Amanda entwined their fingers, tossing the cigarette to her feet. She looked at their hands, taking in the sight of them. Hidden from view.

"Liv, I, uh, I wanna do this right this time."

"I do, too." Olivia stepped a little closer, momentarily surveying their surroundings for any familiar faces that might be watching them. She appeared not to see anyone and turned those dark eyes on Amanda again.

"I mean…I think we should tell Cragen. I think…we need to cover our bases. I've, uh, I've done my research. It's not against the rules to date another detective we just can't be partnered. We couldn't be thrown together for a case…the sooner we disclose the better. I think." Amanda's voice was quiet, a certain fear at pushing Olivia this way tightening her throat.

Olivia's eyes dropped to their hands. "Oh, I…I see."

Amanda glanced at her through squinted eyes, not sure if she liked this response. "I know this is a big step but…"

"I know, uh, yeah. I know. It makes sense." Olivia swung their hands in thought. "Can I…can I have some time?"

Amanda felt her heart pound in her ears. Shouldn't Olivia want to cross this bridge, put it out in the open?

"Amanda," Olivia whispered, as if her thoughts had been displayed on her face. "I want to, I just…I need some time to consider…it's a, uh, it's a big step."

"Yeah." Amanda let their hands fall apart, shoving it into her coat pocket.

Olivia frowned at her. "This isn't me running away. This is me asking for just a little bit of time. It's a, it's a big thing for me. I mean Fin knowing is one thing but…Cragen?"

"I don't think he'd think any less of you for this."

"No, no of course he wouldn't." Olivia pushed a strand of hair from her face, looking annoyed with herself.

Amanda could sense her inner struggle, knew that she genuinely was not trying to be flippant. "Okay, okay. I, uh, I understand. I just don't want us to end up in a situation that could put either of us in jeopardy. You love this job too much to do something like that."

Olivia nodded, wiping away an invisible tear. She reached out, putting her arm on Amanda's forearm. "Th-thanks for understanding. I won't…I won't make you wait forever. I just…let's get through this case and then…"

Amanda nodded and took Olivia's hand in her own, squeezing it before they turned to head back to the precinct.


Alex held the phone in her hand, contemplating how this could go. It was one of two ways as she saw it. She could call Olivia or she could simply put the phone back down and go on with her life, try to move on to something else, something new and different.

But Joan's words of wisdom stuck with her. If she never told Olivia how she felt then she'd never know what could have been. Olivia's nascent relationship with Amanda had only just begun, really…or was it still off? Regardless, Olivia was not yet committed and Alex would hate to leave it until it was far too late. Just the thought of Olivia happily involved in a serious relationship made Alex's blood boil.

But the fear of rejection she would face if Olivia outright said no to her…perhaps that would feel worse.

But nothing ventured, nothing gained, as Joan had reminded her.

She took a huge sip of wine and hit "call" before she even knew what she'd done.

The phone rang through for what felt like an eternity and she very nearly hung up, second thoughts of how terrible of an idea this was swimming up to the surface.

But then Olivia picked up.

"Alex?" She sounded breathless on the other end.

"Did I…sorry, did I catch you at a bad time?" Alex pinched the bridge of her nose, curling up tighter, her case notes her only companions atop her couch.

"Uh, no…no, it's okay. I just got home." Olivia replied.

"I can…uh, call you back another time." Alex felt as if she were stumbling over words for the first time in her life. Oh, how Olivia made her such an idiot.

"It's fine. What's going on?" Olivia's kind voice held no resentment nor annoyance, despite the way they had left things last.

Alex froze. This was fruitless, wasn't it? They couldn't possibly have this conversation…could they?

"Al?" She'd gone quiet for too long.

"Yeah. Yes, I'm here." Alex took a deep breath. "Could we…. would you mind…." She exhaled jaggedly.

"Alex," Olivia hummed on the other end.

"Liv, can we have dinner? I want to…I just want to talk. I want to…apologize. I don't want to leave things the way we did." She closed her eyes, feeling ridiculous for sticking her neck out like this.

"Al."

"I know…I know things are different now, but I…I just want to talk. If you…"

"Uh…yes. Yes. Tomorrow night?" Olivia sounded uncertain, but there was a willingness in her voice. "If there's not a case."

"Right, yes. Of course. I'll find a place near the precinct."

"Good, that…that will be nice." Olivia sounded tired.

"You, uh, you okay?" Alex couldn't help but ask.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, nothing…nothing really." Olivia sighed. "Just, uh, do you think, do you think I'll always be afraid?" Her voice was so small then.

Alex felt her heart thumping. Olivia, Olivia being open again, vulnerable. "No. Liv, no. I don't think you'll always be afraid."

She listened as Olivia breathed deeply on the other end of the line. She closed her eyes.

"Liv, you're not broken."

She heard the laugh of disbelief. "Thanks…I'll, uh…I'll see you tomorrow night."


Kate brought over the box of pizza to her couch where Amanda sat opening a bottle of beer. "You think it means somethin'?" Amanda asked.

"Well she admitted she wants to be with you, that has to be something. So maybe this hesitation is just…really her wanting to take it slow. I don't think it means anything more than she says." Kate dropped onto the couch and opened the pizza box.

"Yeah, but I'm not so sure 'bout that." Amanda reached for a slice of pizza. "I'm worried that she…that she might change her mind. I think she might still have feelings for that ADA."

"Wait, who?"

"Uh, that ADA, you know, the one that was at that ball awhile back. The blonde one, with glasses…"

"And legs for days?" Kate's eyes widened. "Mmm, she was certainly something."

"Not helping." Amanda slapped Kate's knee.

"But Olivia wants you. I mean I saw it, you saw it…you know it." Kate insisted.

Amanda felt uneasy at this. "I just don't know…somethin' feels off about it. I mean Olivia likes to go by the book. She would want to divulge over gettin' in trouble."

"Maybe it's hard for her. This is only her, what, second lesbian relationship? Maybe she really just needs some time before she outs herself to everyone. I mean…it can be pretty frightening. Especially for these women of the older generations."

Amanda half-laughed. "She's not that much older."

"Puh-lease." Kate smirked. "I don't blame you. Older women are always super sexy. Must be that confidence women get the older they are."

"Okay…okay, I didn't even think about her age. Or about her gender for that matter, I just…I like her for who she is. She's so strong and generous and smart…"

"God, you've got it bad." Kate shook her head.

Amanda half-grinned. "Yeah, I just…I hope she feels the same."

"Hey, you'll talk to her soon, she'll come around. You'll see."

Amanda nodded…wanting to believe this.


Alex glanced at her watch, her pulse racing so that she could see it pulsing. Jesus, how did this woman make her so nervous. It felt nearly as nerve-wracking as when she'd taken the bar exam or prosecuted her first case. It was ridiculous, overly inflated.

She looked to the door of the restaurant just as Olivia stepped inside, those dark eyes of hers squinting to adjust to the dim lighting of the room. Their eyes met and Olivia gave her a smile, moving with her tired, confident gate across the room. She leaned down, as if out of habit, and kissed Alex's cheek. "Hey."

"Hey there." Alex felt her cheeks going red, burying her nose in her wine glass. She's ordered well – Joan had taught her well. Olivia sat down across from her and Alex leaned forward, pouring her her own glass. "How was your day?"

Olivia closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead. "Same as always. Still in the middle of this investigation." She lifted the wine glass to her lips, sipping it. Her eyes went wide. "This is really amazing."

"It's a 2011 Sauvignon Blanc."

"Since when did you become a wine connoisseur?"

Alex shrugged, "made a new friend who has expensive taste. Changed the way I drink."

"Cheers to your new friend." Olivia held up the glass and they clinked together. Their eyes met as they drank. "Is this…someone romantic?" Olivia's eyes shifted to the table.

"Uh, no. No, just a friend." Alex grinned.

"I see." Olivia nodded.

"So, uh…how about you? How are…things?" Alex figured she'd rip the bandage right off.

"Uh, well…Amanda and I talked. We're…taking things slow."

Alex felt her stomach knot. "So you're…back together?"

"Working through things, yes." Olivia rubbed beneath her lips. "But I…I froze. The other day. She wanted to disclose…I freaked out." Olivia ran a hand through her messy hair.

"That's a big deal. For you." Alex sat forward.

"Yeah, it, uh…it is."

"What're you going to do?"

Olivia took a deep breath. "I don't…I don't know. I'm not ready." When she looked up Alex saw a tear in her eye. Knew how hard this was for her. "I think she thinks that if I don't disclose then it means that I don't care, but I do. I do care about her." Olivia whisked her hair back and looked at Alex. "But…let's not…we don't have to discuss that. What did you want to talk about?"

"Uh," Alex was flustered then, her resolve broken as she had listened to Olivia talk about Amanda. She was too late, wasn't she? "It's…it's silly."

"It's not, what is it?" Olivia looked with concern at Alex and Alex didn't want her to look at her like that.

"I think it's too late for what I have to say."

Olivia's brow furrowed.

Alex looked down at her drink. "Liv, I don't want to stress you out further. It seems like you have enough on your plate."

"Al," Olivia's voice was quiet. Alex couldn't meet her eyes.

"Liv, I know we've circled around it this point and it seems mute now, but I…I can't just not tell you."

"Tell me what?" Had Olivia's voice quivered?

Alex glanced up, meeting Olivia's dark, enchanting eyes. "I love you. I've always been in love with you. And I know you don't want to hear that right now, especially not when you're starting things with Amanda, but I couldn't not tell you…I needed to tell you. I just needed to get that off my chest. I know…I know you knew. I know you had to know."

She looked away, Olivia's gaze had frosted over and Alex knew that she had probably thrown too much at her, had made her uncomfortable and want to run away. She expected Olivia to get up and excuse herself. Only she sat there with that expression she had…the one she got when she was deep in thought.

"Liv…" Alex asked, fearfully for the silence stretched on for a long while.

"Uh," Olivia cleared her throat and sat forward. "I, uh, I know."

"I just…I wanted to tell you."

Olivia rubbed her forehead. "It's really shit timing, Alex."

"I know, I know."

"I mean…you're…you never contacted me."

"Liv, you had sex with me. For months, years after I reappeared. We had something, you can't deny that."

"No…no, I won't deny that. But you hurt me. You left me."

"I was in trouble, I had been shot. I had to leave. That wasn't on me."

"But when you came back…wh-when you came back you didn't come to me."

"I figured you'd found someone else, I figured…that I was too late."

"But if you'd called me…"

"I get it, Liv. I get it. I fucked up. But I…I don't want to fuck up now."

"So what do you want? I'm…I'm seeing Amanda."

"I know that." Alex rubbed her forehead. "This was a bad idea. I'm sorry I said anything."

Olivia's lips pressed together. Looking angry, frustrated before a tear slid down her cheek and Alex realized she was upset, crying.

"Liv," Alex reached out, covering her hand. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry."

Olivia rubbed her eyes. Her voice was so small that Alex wasn't sure she'd heard her correctly. "I love you, too. But…I…"

"What?"

"Alex, this isn't…this isn't helpful."

"Olivia," Alex held onto her hand.

Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head. "Alex…I need, I need some time to think about this. I need to do the right thing here."

"Liv, I don't want to upset you. I, uh…I just needed to let you know. I wanted to come clean. I wanted to be honest with you. But if it's too late…it's, uh, it's okay. I would understand."

Olivia nodded, moving her hand from beneath Alex's so that she could pat her briefly. "Thank you for the wine. I, uh…I need to think about this. I'm not…I'm not running, I'm…I need to think, okay?"

Alex nodded, understanding. But Olivia had uttered those words, hadn't she?

Alex watched as Olivia walked out of the restaurant, the way she'd said it replaying again and again in her mind. She loved her. And perhaps hearing her say it, hearing her admit those words…maybe it could be enough.

I've been binge-watching SVU all evening. Why is Mariska so gorgeous? Anyway, perhaps you will all hate me now. This is what happens when you have no idea how a story will go when you start it. Still curious as to what will happen next. Still listening to what you're saying, I promise. I love all the helpful episode pointers.