12.
i miss the days when sleep took me
when it pulled me under its dark comfortable covers
tucked me into them
so the dreams could come to me
and tuck me in too
the dreams i had weren't always good or wanted or welcome
kind or comforting
especially after Edward left
but none were as bad as this
this living dead nightmare i can't ever wake up from
or close my eyes to
because i'm already wide awake
and will stay no matter how dark it gets
and even if i forced my lashes to meet my dried hardened cheeks
Edward used to watch me sleep
he said it fascinated him
watching me
and hearing
because he said i didn't do it silently
that while i slept i gave him peeks
glimpses
gifts
told him things i didn't when i was awake
as if my glitch didn't exist when my lids fell closed
because they tucked it inside
and let something else come out from
more of me
and how much what i was was about him
which often made me blush
and always made him smile
that beautiful crooked smile of his
and made his eyes too
as they'd gaze at me with their rich golden warmth
tucked inside his icy cover
his shell
that made me shiver when he touched me
and then would make his smiles fade
remind him that he had no right to them
or to tuck himself into
or my warmth
all things i've thought about a million times
during my never ending days without him
i wonder
if a shiver sent him over the edge
one i may not have even known traveled through me
was i asleep when he made the decision to travel away?
did an innocent touch make him vow to never let me feel it again?
or was it something he heard?
while my eyes were closed and i was wrapped up in dreams of him?
and sharing them with him with unconscious tucked-in-sleep whispers?
i wonder and wonder and wonder
ask and ask and ask
myself
because there's no one else to
no one else here
to hear me
my questions
or my pain
no one
but not nothing
and that...
well i wonder about that too
..tq..
just remember what she's really tucked into is silence. all the noise she can hear? isn't the noise she wants. and as much as you may be hating it... she hates it more. and WANTS that noise to come. just like we all do. here, anyway. ;)
