12.

i miss the days when sleep took me

when it pulled me under its dark comfortable covers

tucked me into them

so the dreams could come to me

and tuck me in too

the dreams i had weren't always good or wanted or welcome

kind or comforting

especially after Edward left

but none were as bad as this

this living dead nightmare i can't ever wake up from

or close my eyes to

because i'm already wide awake

and will stay no matter how dark it gets

and even if i forced my lashes to meet my dried hardened cheeks

Edward used to watch me sleep

he said it fascinated him

watching me

and hearing

because he said i didn't do it silently

that while i slept i gave him peeks

glimpses

gifts

told him things i didn't when i was awake

as if my glitch didn't exist when my lids fell closed

because they tucked it inside

and let something else come out from

more of me

and how much what i was was about him

which often made me blush

and always made him smile

that beautiful crooked smile of his

and made his eyes too

as they'd gaze at me with their rich golden warmth

tucked inside his icy cover

his shell

that made me shiver when he touched me

and then would make his smiles fade

remind him that he had no right to them

or to tuck himself into

or my warmth

all things i've thought about a million times

during my never ending days without him

i wonder

if a shiver sent him over the edge

one i may not have even known traveled through me

was i asleep when he made the decision to travel away?

did an innocent touch make him vow to never let me feel it again?

or was it something he heard?

while my eyes were closed and i was wrapped up in dreams of him?

and sharing them with him with unconscious tucked-in-sleep whispers?

i wonder and wonder and wonder

ask and ask and ask

myself

because there's no one else to

no one else here

to hear me

my questions

or my pain

no one

but not nothing

and that...

well i wonder about that too

..tq..

just remember what she's really tucked into is silence. all the noise she can hear? isn't the noise she wants. and as much as you may be hating it... she hates it more. and WANTS that noise to come. just like we all do. here, anyway. ;)