A/N: The timeline for this story doesn't exactly follow the show (the episode where the identity of Diane's killer aired earlier in the year). I'll also skip over a few episodes, as they have no bearing on the outcome of this story. This is Fanfiction, and I'm using author's privilege. Anyway, only another chapter or two before Harm and Mac leave for Russia.
Admissions
May 22, 1998
JAG Headquarters
1430 Local
"Got any plans for tonight?"
Mac looked up from her desk to see Harm standing in the doorway. The week following their return from Norfolk had been a busy one. They spent a lot of time together, but only to work on the Murphy court-martial. The trial concluded that morning after Murphy's attorney convinced him to change his plea to guilty. Another victory for the Rabb-Mackenzie team.
Neither of them mentioned Diane after they returned to Washington. Mac rode back with Harm, Bud having stayed to answer any questions regarding Holbarth's death. The silence in the car was almost too much for Mac. Harm had kept his eyes focused on the road, and when she asked him anything, he responded with one-word answers. After a while, she gave up and closed her eyes, not expecting to sleep.
She was surprised when she opened her eyes to see the outskirts of DC. Harm glanced in her direction. "I'll take you home."
"Would it be any trouble to drop me off at headquarters? I left my car there and rode with Bud to Norfolk."
"Not a problem."
"Hey, do you want to stop for breakfast? We didn't eat dinner last night remember?"
"No. I'm tired. I just want to go home and crash."
"Another raincheck?"
"What?"
"Never mind."
When Harm showed up at headquarters on Monday, he was all business—focused on their task at hand. They discussed strategies, interviewed witnesses, and poured over evidence. They arrived at work early and stayed late. By the time they went into the courtroom, both were confident they had an ironclad case against Murphy.
While Mac cherished the time she'd been able to spend with Harm, it hurt to see him so aloft. Unlike the past few weeks, there had been no tender good-bye kisses, no soft touches, and no invitations to get together after work.
What had she been to him, a substitute for Diane? Now that Harm knew the identity of her killer had he put her memory to rest and with it, any feelings he might have had for Mac? She recalled their first meeting and Admiral Chegwidden's words of warning.
You two know each other?
Yes, sir.
No, sir.
Oh, I'm sorry, major. Of course, I don't know you. I just had a moment of déjà vu.
It must be the uniform.
No, actually, she was in the Navy.
Don't get too familiar. You're gonna work together.
If only she had heeded his advice.
Harm's voice brought her back to the present.
"Hey, Marine. You with me?"
"Sorry, Harm. Just thinking. What were you saying?"
Harm walked into her office, closing the door behind him. "I asked if you had plans for tonight. I believe I owe you dinner."
"Dinner?" Mac frowned. "Why?"
"From the other night. Remember I was supposed to cook."
"Oh. Well, the Murphy court-martial is over, and we don't have any important cases upcoming, so it's not necessary."
Something flashed in his eyes. Hurt? Regret? But he was too quick to cover his emotions.
"Come on, Mac. Does everything we do together have to be work related? Can't we share a nice dinner between friends? It's not like we haven't done that before. I thought we— Forget it. You probably have plans anyway." Harm turned and started to leave.
"Wait, Harm. I don't have any plans, and I'd love to have dinner with you."
He flashed his flyboy grin. "Great. Come over about 1900."
"Can I bring anything?"
"Just yourself."
North of Union Station
1858 Local
"You're early," Harm said as the opened the door.
"Only one minute and twenty-six seconds."
"Are you ever going to tell me how you do that?"
"Probably not," Mac said as she walked into the apartment. The atmosphere was so much different than the week before. There were music and candles—much like when he'd cooked dinner for her shortly after Annie's departure.
That night, they had planned to work on a case. Tonight, there was nothing involving the Navy, Marines, or JAG. Hopefully, Bud wouldn't show up again unexpectedly.
"Can I help with anything?"
"Everything's done. Have a seat." Harm motioned toward the table.
The silence during dinner was palpable. At times, Mac would catch Harm looking at her and wondered if he was seeing her as Diane. She wanted—no needed—to know, but decided to let him make the first move. Besides, she knew Harm well enough to know he would only talk about Diane if and when he was ready.
Harm refused Mac's offer to help clean up. "Go sit down. It'll only take a few minutes."
Mac sat on the sofa, resisting the urge to wring her hands. She wasn't sure how much more of this she could take. Harm had invited her over and still hadn't spoken more than a dozen or so words. What was the point in her coming? And why was he taking so long to load the dishwasher and put away a few leftovers?
Maybe I should just leave.
"Hey, Mac? Want some coffee?"
"Not if I want to get any sleep tonight."
"I have decaf."
Ugh! Might as well drink hot water.
She started to answer no when Harm walked into the room carrying a plate with a large slice of chocolate cake.
"Harm! You made dessert?"
"No. Picked it up from a nearby bakery. Triple chocolate delight."
"Maybe I will have that cup of coffee."
"Coming right up."
He returned a few minutes later carrying two steaming cups.
"Aren't you having any cake?"
"Nah. Gotta keep in shape. That means lots of exercise and eating healthy foods."
How much better shape did he want to be in? She thought about the night she'd seen him dressed only in his boxers. There wasn't an ounce of fat anywhere on his muscular body.
Mac, on the other hand, had no aversion to eating unhealthy foods. Beltway burgers, fries, delicious desserts. She was blessed to have the kind of metabolism that allowed her to indulge in such delights.
Harm sat next to her on the sofa, watching as she delved into the cake. "This is delicious, Harm. You mean you bought it just for me?"
"You're worth it. In fact, you deserve a lot more from me. I've been—"
Mac almost choked at his words. She picked the wrong time to try to swallow. It took a bit to get the coughing under control.
"You okay, Ninja Girl?"
"Yeah, I just swallowed wrong." She sat the half-eaten slice of cake on the table and turned to him. The time had come to put an end to his silence. She couldn't go on this way, not knowing if he saw her as Diane's ghost or as Mac.
You were saying?"
"Mac, I haven't been fair to you."
Oh no. This is it. He's going to tell me he sees me as a substitute for Diane. She decided to play it cool. Later, when she was alone, there would be time for tears.
"How's that?"
"I wasn't honest with you about Diane. I should have told you about her when we first met."
"Well, if I recall we were busy on an investigation."
"I mean after we got back to Washington. You deserved to know the truth. It was only a few months after her murder when I met you. The shock of seeing someone who could pass for her twin was almost too much for me."
"It explains a lot. You looked like you'd seen a ghost. But we didn't know one another. There was no reason for you to tell me all about your past."
"Maybe not then, but after we became friends, I should have told you about her. I didn't intend for you to walk in here and learn about Diane through a photograph."
"Life doesn't always go as planned."
"Tell me about it."
"Yeah, if Diane hadn't been murdered, your life might be a lot different now."
Harm shrugged. "Maybe. Mac, what I wanted to thank you for following me to Norfolk. Honestly, I could have easily killed Holbarth for what he did."
"I can imagine. Diane meant a lot to you."
"She did, but… I don't know. The more I think about it, the more I can't see the two of us spending the rest of our lives together. I've done a lot of thinking about it, and there was a reason why we always seemed to hit and miss. It wasn't just because of the Navy and our assignments."
Harm's words surprised Mac. "Go on."
"Anyway, I cared for her deeply. But not in the way I would for a woman I want to spend the rest of my life with."
"Harm, I have to know something. That night at Norfolk, when we kissed on the dock, who did you see?"
"You, Mac. I was kissing you. Not Diane."
