Ages ago on the Kink Meme, somebody requested that the Aliens are introduced to Ice Hockey. Cue Alenko and Joker being men and arguing over which team is better.
Caterina Shepard looked up from the reports she was doing when someone knocked on her cabin door. It opened and Ashley popped her head in, a worried look on her face.
"Err Shepard. You may want to come up to the cockpit, Lt and Joker are arguing and nobody can shut them up." Rolling her eyes Caterina got up and headed to the cockpit with the Chief. Soon as she stepped on deck, she could see all of the squad gathered in the cockpit with the rest of the crew standing well back, shaking their heads. Joker and Kaidan, well she could hear them, just not see them.
"…come on the Canucks have lost every game against Tiptree Oaks, Alenko. You guys are getting your asses whooped on Saturday. Again."
"Oh really?" I'm pretty sure Toronto Maple leafs have been whooping Tiptree's fragile butts ever since you guys started. Oh and we've got Walden." Shepard pushed past Wrex. Both her pilot and Staff lieutenant were both having a pretty animated conversation. This was the first time she'd ever seen Kaidan talk this much, well except that one time he and Tali were arguing over Omni-tools and hacking programs.
"Okay, we've had a defector going after big bucks. So what. Our tactics have changed, you Canadians are going down."
"Walden was your best goalie. Now you've got a crappy reserve guarding your goal. We are definitely getting a few shots in." Joker scoffed and crossed his arms.
"That's if your attackers can get past our far superior defences. But they won't. Wanna know why? They wouldn't know a goal even if it ran up to them and nicked their bras." Alenko's expression darkened and Caterina tried to step in.
"Okay boys that's enou…"
"You know if you weren't so fragile, I'd hit you."
"Yeah? I would have hit you ages ago, but I don't want to ruin that pretty face, somebody is very interested in that."
"Oh sure go ahead, break your arm at me." The bickering continued for a few more seconds before Caterina suddenly screamed and pointed at the windscreen.
"SOVERIEGN!" Both men jumped in their seats and immediately brought up the combat displays., then they realised that Saren's flagship was not out there. "Now that I have your attention. What in the name of the Goddess is going on?"
Kaidan and Joker both looked over the back of their seats and at the crowd gathered. Then they looked at each other, looking very confused and embarrassed, Joker then asked a question.
"How long have you guys been here?" There was a loud slap as Caterina face palmed. This was worse than two Italian men arguing over football. Caterina knew that very well, being from Italy herself. They bitched over offside rules and tuned out everything around them. Behind her there were a few groans and chuckles.
"I will repeat the question. What in the name of the Goddess is going on?" She said, voice full of anger. Kaidan shared a sheepish look with Joker.
"Arguing over who will win the match on the presidium. The Canucks or Tiptree Oaks." Whimpered Kaidan, hanging his head.
"Which sport is this? And I didn't know the Presidium had a sports arena." Joker twiddled his thumbs.
"It doesn't. They froze the lake over, just outside the human embassy." Caterina sighed and looked a the Aliens. All wore perplexed looks on their faces. Ashley was just shaking her head in exasperation.
"You are arguing about Ice Hockey." Stated Shepard. Two slow nods. "Alenko, I am not surprised at since he's Canadian. You though Joker…"
"Aww come on Commander. All you've got to do is check my extranet searches, I watch Ice hockey most of the time."
"Joker. I have checked your searches. I doubt there are teams called Asari and Turian or two Hanar and a Krogan lady." The pilot at least had the dignity to blush and hang his head in shame while Kaidan gave him a peculiar look. Tali then tapped her on the shoulder.
"Err… Commander what is Ice hockey?" Joker happily explained for Caterina
"It's a sport played on ice rinks. The players have to skate on it and they have to hit the puck into the other team's goal and past the goal keeper. You do that and you score a point. Game's last around an hour. Whoever has the most points win."
"Could you show us a clip of a game?" Before Caterina could veto it, Kaidan had already pulled up a clip of a game midway though. There was a grimace from Tali, Liara and Garrus as a group of hockey players slammed into each other.
"That looked quite painful." Muttered Liara, clearly finding it quite violent. This was far different than the graceful and gentle sports of the Asari.
"That's why they're wearing all the padding." Said Joker bluntly. Wrex was just grinning apparently approving of the game. Well Krogan did love their violence.
"Why on ice?" Asked Garrus. Watching the video was like watching the Turian version of hell. The only upside was that the equipment was well thought out along with the organisation.
"Ice was very common in Canada, a century ago. Hence Ice Hockey was born there." Explained Kaidan while Tali leaned on the back of his chair looking at the players on the vid. Of course looking, really meant eying them up.
"Are hunky men common there too?" Asked Tali. She barely realised the words had come out of her audio unit and immediately clamped a hand over the 'mouth' of her mask. Ashley sniggered along with Joker.
"Aww hell yeah, Tali. I'm pretty sure LT is a fine specimen of Canadian hunkiness." Answered Ashley, directing a saucy wink at said Canadian. She and Tali dissolved into a giggling fit at the sight of a blush raising up Kaidan's face.
"It still looks violent. Are all human sports this life threatening?" Queried Liara, averting her eyes as a full fight broke out on the rink. This was somewhat surprising considering that she had been witness to many nasty sights.
"On a scale of one to ten. This is a seven. You want a rating of Eleven. Go rock climbing on a mountain with nothing but a parachute." Said Caterina, a fond smile on her face. Now that was a proper challenge. Liara looked at the Commander in amazement, along with Garrus. She couldn't understand Turian expressions well yet, but she was pretty sure that look came under the category of 'what the hell is wrong with you people?'
"Nothing but a parachute?" Repeated Garrus, mandibles quivering. "Why? Why do you humans risk injury like this?" At the same time, Ashley, Shepard, Joker and Kaidan replied.
"Cause it's fun." They couldn't help but laugh at Garrus' shocked face.
"Of course certain humans get an adrenaline rush off different sports. Skipper prefers rock climbing. Me, I love sky diving. Just the feeling of the air rushing though your hair as you plummet to the ground and reach terminal velocity…" Ashley grinned manically causing Liara and Garrus to back away. "What about you Alenko? Any extreme sports for you?" Kaidan paused to think for a second.
"Nothing as insane as that but I like snowboarding." Garrus shook his head as he walked back to the cargo, in utter disbelief.
"For a bunch of squishy people, you are a bunch of adrenaline junkies. Though that would explain the Commander's driving." He muttered, Liara quickly followed him, muttering something to herself about how she would never understand humans. Suddenly Wrex spoke, making everyone jump as they had somehow forgotten the presence of a Krogan.
"So when is this match on? I would like to watch it." Caterina just groaned as both Kaidan and Joker's faces lit up at the prospect of having a new Hockey buddy.
"Weell. It's going to be on when we get back to the citadel. And I may have won four tickets to go and see them. That's if the Almighty Commander Shepard would allow us a day of shore leave." Joker turned in his seat and looked at her with bright green puppy eyes. Rolling her eyes, she muttered:
"Fine. Go and have your 'boy time'. Both her pilot and Lieutenant high-fived with boyish grins on their faces. Going to leave, she quickly made something clear to Wrex. "Make sure they're back by seven and behave themselves. If not. You have my permission to eat them." She then hurried back to those reports that really needed finishing. When she finally disappeared, Tali poked her head in-between Kaidan and Joker.
"Can I come too?" She asked innocently, though it was rather clear that she was not going for the game, rather the Hockey players who had shoulder pads reminiscent of Quarian men's enviro suits.
