DISCLAIMER: blah blah blah. Twilight. Dnw. Me and LadyEmjazz AKA CandyAppleBlack own nothing.
Warning: This chapter is redonkward. Jasper gets his own scene! Hope you like.. er, umm.. penis? Yeah, you have fun with that, kay bye.
-----
ACT TWELVE: DETACHABLE PENIS
Bella is on the phone, yet again, with Jacob. Do these people ever even see each other?
BELLA: You should have seen it Jake, I had a noodle on my face.
JACOB: Do I even wanna know why you had a noodle on your face?
BELLA: Well one person got whipped, one got shot at, and I'm the lucky loser who got the noodle on her face.
JACOB: …Uh.
BELLA: Well, okay, to be fair, Jasper was hit in the face with a meatball earlier, but seriously!
JACOB: I don't think there's anything serious about your family except that they have a serious problem. You are the only person who eats and yet a full fledged food fight erupted?
BELLA: I don't think Carlisle throwing a meatball at Jasper's face constitutes as a food fight.
JACOB: Isn't that man supposed to be a doctor?
BELLA: …Essentially.
JACOB: You know, Bella, you could've had a real nice simple life with me. We could have nice little house on the beach front on the rez, and have a couple of pups-
BELLA: Pups? Let me think about that- NO.
JACOB: Seriously, you'd rather live in that mess, and have doorknob junior?
BELLA: Okay. It's one thing to insult Edward, but please don't insult my unborn child.
JACOB: *mopey* Alright. I'm sorry. Oh, I saw some of your family members on my land the other day.
BELLA: Which family members? And what were they doing over there?
JACOB: The big dopey looking one, and the little girly looking one with the blonde hair.
BELLA: Oh… great.
JACOB: Yeah. They were buying from my buddy.
BELLA: Buying what?
JACOB: Dreamcatchers. WEED, Bella!
BELLA: Oh?
JACOB: And that's not the weirdest part.
BELLA: Oh… no.
JACOB: They were making out. With… Each other.
BELLA: Uh huh. They're together. They do that.
JACOB: You know!? And you're… Okay with it?!
BELLA: Yeah.
JACOB: You belong in that family then, you're just as warped as the rest of them!
BELLA: *sigh* I gotta go, Jake.
JACOB: Don't get me wrong, I still love ya, Bells, but, jeeeeez.
BELLA: Same here. Now I gotta go.
JACOB: Alright, Bells. See you later. *pauses* Aren't you going to hang up?
BELLA: I'm waiting for your question.
JACOB: I don't actually have a question today. Guess it's just your lucky day!
BELLA: *relieved* Guess so. Bye Jacob.
*
The next day, in Jasper's science class, the regularly scheduled teacher is absent. A substitute teacher has taken place.
SUBSTITUTE: Alright class, since your teacher isn't here today, we are going to watch a video called "Evolution and the Platypus."
Jasper groans, and slumps back in his chair. The movie starts, there's some guy on the screen talking. Jasper is finding it extremely boring. He takes a pencil out of his pencil case with an eraser shaped like a penis and he starts moving it back and forth in his mouth. The kid sitting beside him mutters, "fuckin' weird kid…" and slowly starts scooting his chair farther away from Jasper. The guy on the screen has been talking for at least fifteen minutes. Jasper gets fed up, and rips the eraser-penis off his pencil and whips it at the television. It bounces off the screen, and lands on Mike Newton's notebook. Jasper gets up and walks up to Mike's desk with his hands behind his back, all confederate like.
JASPER: *in serious tone* Excuse me. Can I have my penis back, please?
MIKE: *is trying to figure out how to pick it up without having to actually touch it* Just take it. *pushes it towards Jasper, using his notebook*
Jasper takes it and sits back down in his seat. He resumes playing with it, tapping it on his lips, much to the chagrin of the kid beside him, who is still thinking "Fucking weird kid." and is now dangerously close to the wall. After about another ten minutes, we actually get to see the platypus.
JASPER: *drops pencil* It's cute!
KID BESIDE HIM: *mutters* Fuckin' weird kid.
JASPER: *turns to look at him, picks up the penis pencil and pokes him in the chest with it, resumes watching the film*
*
At lunch…
Jasper walks gleefully up to Emmett.
JASPER: *puts arms around Emmett's waist* I want a platypus.
EMMETT: …What?
JASPER: A platypus. I want one.
EMMETT: Well… Like, a stuffed toy?
JASPER: Well, yes, but no. I want a real one.
EMMETT: *still a little confused* I… don't think… you can… get them… as pets…?
JASPER: *makes begging hands, puppy dog eyes, and pouty lips* But… I want one! I love them!
EMMETT: *conflicted* Don't get me wrong, baby, I'd love to get you one, but I don't think that it's like, possible.
EDWARD: Or legal… This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. A platypus. Really, Jasper?
JASPER: Go away. This doesn't concern you, footface.
EDWARD: A fucking platypus!
JASPER: Don't make me throw my penis at you.
EDWARD: What?
JASPER: I'll do it. I already whipped it at the TV. And then Newton tried to touch it. And then I poked the guy beside me with it.
EMMETT: *confused* What were you doing whipping your penis out in class?
JASPER: …I thought it would be fun.
EMMETT: You can't whip it out in class, it's mine!
JASPER: No, it's mine!
EMMETT: No, it's mine!
JASPER: It's mine! And it's this big! *holds up pinky*
EMMETT: No it's not!
JASPER: Yes it is! And it's blue!
EMMETT: No it's not! I would know!
JASPER: How would you know? You've never even seen it!
EMMETT: I saw it last night!
JASPER: No you didn't! I just got it today!
EMMETT: *really confused* What are you talking about!?
JASPER: What are YOU talking about?!
ROSALIE: It's sick for me to say this, but I actually want to know what they're talking about.
EDWARD: *looking sick* …I don't.
BELLA: I regret the decision I made to eat today. And I'm suddenly heavily considering puppies.
EDWARD: What is WRONG with my FAMILY!
ALICE: *cheerfully* I love my family!
JASPER: Do you want me to show you? Do you want to see my penis? I will whip it out for you right now!
EMMETT: Right here? Are you CRAZY!?
EDWARD: NO!
ROSALIE: I think I'm going to be sick…
ALICE: *has vision* Oh my god… *in utter disbelief*
BELLA: *mumbling to herself* Puppies. Should have gone for puppies…
JASPER: *reaches into pocket*
EMMETT: Don't! *accidentally grabs Jasper's package*
JASPER: *eyes widen, looks down at Emmett's hand, looks back up at Emmett* What are you doing?!
EMMETT: Uh… *his hand is still there*
JASPER: As much as I enjoy it when your hand is… there… Could you please remove your hand?
EMMETT: Uh… *removes his hand*
JASPER: Now where was I… Oh yeah! I was showing you guys my penis! *reaches into pocket and pulls out the penis pencil*
ROSALIE: What the hell is that?
JASPER: My penis!
EMMETT: *slams elbow down on table, presses fingers between his eyes, his brow furrows* Awkkkwarrrd…
JASPER: *to Emmett* What did you think I was talking about? You wouldn't think I would actually whip my penis out in class, would you? And let Mike Newton, of all people, touch it!
EMMETT: I'd like to hope not!
EDWARD: Be right back, Volterra…
*
Thanks for reading. If you review, Jasper will show you his penis! LOL
