Santana stepped into the loft tentatively with the magazine tucked up under her arm. She glanced back and forth a few times and when she noticed there was no one around she let out a sigh of relief. She had time. She quickly ran over to the table, dropped the rest of the mail, and moved to her room. Maybe she could call Rachel's publicist and get the article pulled before Rachel ever saw it. That was pretty much her only hope at the moment.
She tossed the magazine onto her bed and moved to her closet to change. She was quick to get out of her uniform and into something more comfortable. Once she was re-dressed she picked up her phone and started to look through her contacts. She couldn't remember if Rachel had ever given her the number for her publicist. It seemed like something she would do, just in case. She had both of Rachel's fathers phone numbers. She had the number of the director and producer of her play in there. She even had Rachel's doctor and dentist in her phone. Rachel was a little bit paranoid something would happen and no one would know who to contact so she made sure Santana would know.
"Damn it" Santana sighed when she realized her publicist was one of the only numbers she didn't have. Now what? She glanced around her room and after seeing a few post-it notes that Rachel had left on Santana's mirror as reminders for various things, she smiled. Maybe Rachel had the number written down somewhere. She moved quickly out of her room and to Rachel's. She paused outside her sheet door and for a moment she hesitated. She hadn't gone into Rachel's room without permission since she confessed to going through her stuff the first month she had moved in. It was a condition of her living there. No more snooping.
But this wasn't snooping, was it? She was just trying to find some information that Rachel had in her room. As long as she didn't rummage unnecessarily it would be fine, right? Shaking her head she pushed through the sheets and into the room. Rachel would just have to forgive her. This was bigger than privacy. This was slander.
Santana rushed over to Rachel's vanity and started to look for anything written down. She found a few little notes here and there, nothing more than reminders to herself to call home or get more nail polish of a certain color, and a strange one that just read said 'Santana?'
She perked an eyebrow at that and laughed. "Three question marks?" She tossed the note back into it's spot and turned away from the vanity. Her eyes scanned the room and found a pile of papers on her dresser. Moving quickly she started to rummage through them. They were bills all piled in chronological order of when she had paid them. Each had a sticky note of the date, time, and amount she paid. Santana smirked and gently put the pile back down. "God she's a freak" She whispered to herself with a laugh.
Moving now to Rachel's closet she opened it and looked for a shoe box or a filing box. She found a shoe box and opened it only to quickly put the lid back on. She shook her head in disbelief and put the box back into it's place. She backed away from the closet slowly, staring back at the box in horror. "I did not need to see that."
"Santana?" Rachel's voice broke through the loft and Santana froze in fear. How the Hell did she get into the loft so quietly? Santana looked around the room quickly, trying to find a place to hide. Unfortunately, Rachel's room was very simple and clean with nowhere to really hide. So now she was formulating a lie. She was in there looking for a pair of earrings she had worn the night they had gone to the club. She couldn't find them in her jewelry box so she thought maybe she had taken them off in Rachel's room that night. Yes, that would work!
Rachel, who had been soaking in the bathtub to try and relax before her show, now made her way toward Santana's room. She could have sworn she had heard her come in. She stopped outside her sheet door and leaned close to see if she could hear her inside. After a few moments of silence, she frowned and called out again softly "San? Are you home?"
Santana could see Rachel's shadow through the sheets. Shit. How was she supposed to escape now? She might as well just give in and expose herself. She took in a deep sigh, held her head up high, then stepped out of Rachel's room. "Hey."
Rachel whipped around in surprise. She clutched a hand to her heart over her bathrobe and let out a heavy breath "Wh-what are you doing in my room?"
"I was looking for my earrings" Santana said calmly, even giving a shrug to sell the nonchalance of it. "I wore these really nice earrings to the club the other night and now I can't find them. I figured since I just stripped out of my dress that maybe I had taken my earrings out and set them somewhere in your room, too."
Rachel nodded slowly as she contemplated Santana's words. She didn't remember if Santana had worn earrings or not but it seemed legitimate. After a moment, she shrugged and gave her roommate a smile "I haven't seen them but if I do I will let you know."
Santana let out the loudest internal sigh of relief and smiled. "Thanks." She moved passed Rachel now and into her room. She glanced at herself in the mirror and shook her head in disbelief. Sometimes she was so good at lying she even impressed herself.
"Hey, San?" Rachel asked then stepped into her room without permission. Technically she had followed her and not just barged in so it wasn't considered a violation of privacy, right? She was about to continue her sentence when her eyes caught sight of herself on Santana's bed and she quickly turned her head for a better look. She smiled immediately and moved over to scoop up the magazine "Oh my god! When did this get here?"
Santana froze. Her eyes went wide and she watched Rachel through her mirror. Shit. She quickly whipped around and stared at her friend in horror. Her mouth was so dry she couldn't speak if she wanted to. So she just stood there, staring, hoping this was some bad dream.
Rachel flipped the magazine open, her smile growing wider as she saw all of her pictures and how good they looked. "Why didn't you tell me it came? Did you already read it? Is it bad?" She finally looked up from the magazine and saw the look on Santana's face. Her heart dropped immediately and her smile faded "Oh no. What is it?"
Santana drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She bit her lip and motioned to the magazine with a little shake of her head. "Um" She licked her lips, really needing a drink, and shrugged her shoulders "It's fine. I mean, you look amazing in your pictures and they said some nice things about your Tony and how you were a typical small town girl who made it big."
Rachel nodded slowly and looked down to the pages again. She eyed herself smiling up from the pictures before she looked back up at Santana and shrugged "Okay then why the look? You looked like you saw a ghost when you realized I'd seen the magazine."
Santana sighed and went over to Rachel. She snatched the magazine out of her hand and flipped a few pages. She didn't even look up at Rachel, she didn't want to see the worry in her face. Instead she found what she was looking for, drew in a deep breath, and started to read it to her.
"The mystery of Tony's Santana, as she has come to be known throughout the Broadway world, has finally gotten a new lead. The buzz around the acceptance speech heard around the world is about to get louder now that we know who Santana is. After meeting an angry looking woman who accompanied Rachel to the photo shoot, this reporter wanted to know more. Though she wasn't exactly pleasant while listening to the interview with Ms. Berry, even going as far as to interrupt and rudely answer a question herself, I was curious as to why a sweetheart such as Berry would speak so fondly about someone as awful as I was meeting that day. After some digging, I discovered exactly how far back their relationship goes. Once seemingly mortal enemies in high school these two have managed to not only get along but live together in peace. It seems that after discovering her sexuality her Junior year, Santana Lopez not only backed off in her hatred toward Rachel but even took a shining to her. They were seen hanging out together more frequently, working together more peacefully, and even heard harmonizing on several duets for their high school glee club. Could it be that realizing she was gay helped Santana also realize something else about herself? Was she secretly in love with Rachel the entire time? Lopez's old cheerleading coach and someone who knew the girls well enough to sense a change in their attitudes toward each other thinks this is exactly the case."
"Wait, they contacted Sue? How did they even know to contact her?" Rachel shook her head quickly. "This can't be legal. She has nothing to do with this!"
"It gets worse, Rach" Santana mumbled and looked back at the magazine. Rachel took a breath in to start speaking again but Santana shook her head "Just listen, okay?" Rachel huffed but nodded and motioned for Santana to continue. She drew in a breath of her own and cleared her throat before reading on.
"Sue Sylvester, world renowned champion cheer coach, recalls a particular moment when she visited the girls here in New York after they were already roommates. She claims the girls shared a bedroom, clothing, and even a toothbrush. 'It was far too intimate for friends, if you ask me' Sue recounts clearly. Funny she would use the word intimate. During Lopez's outburst at the interview she too used the word intimate to describe their friendship. In defense of the rumors surrounding their recent club outing, she said 'We have known each other since Sophomore year in high school, okay? There is a certain amount of intimacy that comes with a friendship like that and we aren't afraid to show that.' Now I implore you, my loyal readers, would you ever use the word intimate to describe your friendship? I know I wouldn't. Maybe she's just really comfortable around her long time school chum or maybe there is more going on. I'm not going to imply anything. I am going to let the evidence speak for itself and let you make your own conclusions. All I know is that there is a lot more to Rachel Berry than the world knows and I think a lot of that rests with the mystery that is one Santana Lopez."
Rachel blinked as she processed what she had just heard. Her brows curled into a concerned frown as she took it all in. After a few moments of silence she shook her head and looked back to Santana with a heavy sigh "So they are taking false information from Sue and the fact that you used the word intimate and spinning it into a not-so-direct way of saying we're lovers and I'm hiding that fact?"
Santana nodded and closed the magazine she held "Yeah, I guess. I mean apparently having an openly gay roommate and best friend is enough to take one word like intimacy and make it into more."
"This is ridiculous. I mean you weren't nice to me once you came out! I mean, yeah, you were a little nicer to everyone, it wasn't just me. You still made jokes and called me names, though. It's not like you were suddenly drawing hearts around my name on a notebook!" Rachel huffed and folded her arms. She eyed Santana curiously "Wait, you weren't, were you?"
"No!" Santana rolled her eyes and tossed the magazine back onto her bed. "Look, Rach, I don't know why Sue said what she said. Apparently she saw a chance to cause trouble and she took it. I guess she's still pissed about being told off when she came to your opening night. I wouldn't put it passed her to hold that against you for the rest of your life. You saw how she held a grudge in high school. I doubt that's changed."
Rachel just shook her head and sat on the edge of Santana's bed now. She looked over at the magazine and suddenly her own face smiling up at her was making her sick. She closed her eyes and turned the magazine over so she didn't have to look at it anymore. "This is awful, San. Everyone is going to read this. Everyone is going to see us hanging out and assume we're on a date."
"So what?" Santana frowned and moved over to sit next to her friend. She slid her arm around her and pulled her into a sideways hug. "I remember when I was coming out and I thought everyone would laugh at me. I thought everyone would make fun of me. I remember thinking my life was over because no one would treat me like a normal human being ever again. It was terrifying."
"Santana, I'm not coming out" Rachel mumbled softly.
"I know" Santana said with a laugh. "But the rest of the world doesn't know that. So they might look at you a little differently for a little bit, so what? The people who matter won't care. The people who really know you won't care. They will actually probably laugh. This is awful, I agree, but only because this magazine felt the need to make accusations against you to sell their publications. You are one of the most incredible and caring people in the world. They got it right when they called you a sweetheart, but that's all they got right. So just screw them, okay? You and I both know the truth and that's all that matters."
Rachel let out a heavy sigh and looked over to her friend who was holding her. She smiled and rolled her eyes before settling her head against her shoulder "I'm actually really upset about what they said about you. I think you just pissed her off and she wanted revenge."
Santana let out a laugh at that "Trust me, toots, if I got in a huff about everyone who I pissed off and were now seeking revenge I would never sleep. I am not at all offended about anything that was said about me. I find it kind of funny, actually. They painted me as this totally awful human being which I think is awesome."
Rachel let out a laugh at that and she sat up. She turned to face Santana now, reaching out to take her hand. She gave it a tight squeeze "You are not an awful human being. You are caring and protective and one of the most talented people I have ever met. People should know that! I mean, come on, if I was going to come out as dating anyone I would want people to know it was because they were as incredible as me."
Santana smirked and shook her head in amusement "Are you asking me out, Berry?"
Rachel let out a laugh and pushed Santana's hand away "You wish!" She smirked in amusement and shook her head as the thought swirled around. Santana was ridiculous. "Ask you out" She mused with a huff. How silly. If only they really were dating, this would be easier. She had never denied being gay, after all. It wasn't like she would have been hiding it. No one had ever asked. This would be the perfect way to just come out if she were gay. Then something awkward occurred to her. Her eyes went wide and she looked up at Santana eagerly "Yes!" She nodded quickly.
"Yes what?" Santana asked with a laugh. She had gotten off the bed and was looking through her drawers for some pants since the shorts she was wearing were rubbing her the wrong way.
"Yes, I am asking you out" Rachel stood up from the bed quickly.
Santana paused. She blinked and tilted her head to the side. She was trying to decide if she had really heard what she thought she had heard. Realizing she had been silent a little too long she slowly turned away from her dresser and arched an eyebrow curiously at her friend "What?"
"Let's go out" Rachel said with a serious look on her face. "I mean, I've never said I wasn't gay. It's never come up. How about instead of denying this or fighting it and having more rumors fly and having people prying into our private lives to try and get confirmation or something juicy for their tabloids we just say we are dating. Release a statement that says something about how we have never hidden it. Say something like we just kept personal lives and business lives separate but with my rising fame we realize it would come to the surface eventually. That way there is no more sleazy prying and rumors and people can just move on."
"No, no, Rachel this is a horrible idea" Santana's heart was racing so hard she couldn't even hear the words she had said. She wondered if she had actually said them or if they had gotten caught in her dry throat.
"No it's not" Rachel said with a shake of her head, confirming that Santana had actually spoken.
"Yes it is!" Santana's voice squeaked. She cleared her throat and licked her lips before giving her head a shake. "Rachel this is stupid. We can not fake date. Nothing good can come from this. Let's just ignore it. The rumors will die down and we can move on."
"They won't die, don't you see? We will be stalked every time we go out. We will have people trying to snap a picture of us together doing something scandalous. We will have absolutely no peace ever again." Rachel pulled at the tie around her bathrobe that she was still wearing and shrugged a bit. "At least this way we control the attention we get. I'm sure there will be a media fury around us for a bit but at least this way we will know it's all positive. We can openly hold hands and look like a happy couple and when it gets boring they will move on! People love secrets and scandal more than they love happily ever after!"
"Rachel this is idiotic" Santana huffed in annoyance and moved over to her friend. She grabbed her shoulders and gave a little shake as if trying to wiggle the idea out of her brain. "I repeat, nothing good will come of this."
"San" Rachel reached up and grabbed her arms. She pulled them off her shoulders and let out a soft laugh. "Come on, do this for me. I mean, it can only help you, too. Dating the hottest up and coming Broadway star will only create buzz for you and, if I remember correctly, you have a movie coming out soon. Think of what that could mean. The free publicity can't be beat!"
"Rachel, no" Santana said firmly. She turned around to walk away from Rachel and after two steps realized she had walked further into her room. She huffed and went to her window and looked through it as if something suddenly interesting had happened down below. She put her forehead against it and closed her eyes with a heavy sigh.
"San?" Rachel bit her lip and moved over toward her but did not fully close the gap. She stood just out of arms reach and chewed her lip nervously. "I respect your decision to say no. I am fully ready to face whatever comes to me because of this accusation. But I want to ask why you are so adamant about saying no."
Santana drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. How did she calmly lie to Rachel about the fact that fake dating her would be Hell? How did she say she didn't want to do this because it would be like torture to her? Because all she wants is to really date her and she knows that will never happen. Why pretend to date her and torture herself? She was fine with accepting that she will never have Rachel and she knew fake dating would bring back the slightest bit of hope and she didn't need that. She didn't need to suffer for no reason. Realizing she hadn't answered Rachel, she opened her eyes and stared at her in the reflection of the glass "Someone might get hurt."
"How?" Rachel blinked, taken aback by the answer.
Santana shrugged and turned around to face Rachel. She slowly looked up from her feet and found Rachel's curious gaze. She let out a sigh and tried to play it off with a wave of her hand "Because lying about who you are is the fastest way to hurt yourself."
"I'm fine" Rachel said with a shrug. "I know who I am. This isn't really a lie. It's just a bent truth. We are close, I love you because you are my best friend, and we already go everywhere together. So what if the world thinks we're getting naked together in the privacy of our own home? That is kind of true, too. You did wake up next to me naked very recently." She tried to laugh at that, wanting to lighten the mood.
"It's not the same, Rachel" Santana mumbled with a roll of her eyes. She stared at her friend for a few long moments before shaking her head and looking away from her "What happens when we break up? You meet a guy you want to date so now you have to break up with me so it doesn't look like you are cheating on me. What happens then? Don't you think it's weird that we still live together? We are still seen hanging out and being best friends?"
"I doubt anyone will care" Rachel waved it off with a huff of a laugh. "Besides, plenty of exes in Hollywood remain friends."
"Name one couple" Santana challenged and folded her arms.
Rachel opened her mouth but stopped when she realized she had no answer. She thought about it for a moment then smiled "Courtney Cox and David Arquette."
"They have kids. Name a celebrity couple who has broken up and remain friends who don't have kids or aren't co-stars." Santana's eyebrow remained perked as she stared at her friend.
Rachel frowned and folded her arms. She thought it over again and each time she thought she had the answer she stopped herself. She let out a sigh and finally threw her hands up in defeat "Fine! No one who has ever broken up in the public eye who doesn't have kids has ever stayed friends, you're right. But who cares? We could break that mold, too! We could be the first ones to remain best friends!"
Santana rolled her eyes and shook her head "That's stupid. This is stupid. I am not going to fake date you just to avoid ugly rumors and stalkerazzi."
"Santana" Rachel frowned. "This is fool proof."
"No it's not" Santana grabbed her phone where it had been tossed on her bed and moved passed Rachel with a huff. She stormed out of her room and toward the loft door. She pushed her feet into her shoes then slid the door open so hard it slammed loudly.
"Santana, wait" Rachel gave chase but stopped as soon as she reached the kitchen table. She saw Santana disappearing out of the loft and knew she couldn't chase her down the hallway in her bathrobe. Now wouldn't that be a juicy tabloid tidbit. Lover's quarrel and Rachel in a bathrobe. She rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest with a heavy sigh. She didn't see what the big deal was. If she was ever going to fake date someone it would be Santana. She knew she could trust her.
"Woah" Emily appeared in the still open loft door with Paige in tow, the two of them looking over their shoulders. Emily shook her head and motioned behind her as she stepped into the loft and looked at Rachel "Santana nearly plowed us over in the hallway. Where's the fire?"
Rachel let out a sigh and sat down at the table with a shake of her head "I think I offended her but I'm not really sure how."
Paige stepped into the loft then curiously moved with Emily to the table "What happened?"
Rachel recounted the story as it had unfolded. She told them about the article, about Sue, and how she had gotten the idea for them to just date in the public eye to avoid everything negative that she was sure would come from it. After spilling all the details, she sighed and looked at the girls who had gathered at the table to listen and shrugged "Is it really that crazy of an idea?"
Emily looked at Paige then down at her hands before shrugging a bit "I'm not sure it's a good idea at all."
"Why not?" Rachel asked softly. "I thought she would totally love the free publicity for her movie. It's an indy. I thought all good buzz around it could only help."
"I don't think it's about that at all" Paige said with a shrug. "Rachel, this world is such a different place than it was even five years ago. I know that people used to hide who they were and pretend to be straight and live their entire lives unhappy. But to do it now? To pretend to be gay for attention? That is kind of a slap in the face to all of the progress that's been made."
"There's nothing simple about lying" Emily added with a little nod.
Rachel sighed and looked down at her hands. She was such an idiot. She didn't even realize that she was insulting the entire coming out process. She remembered how Santana had struggled with it. She had been basically forced out of the closet before she had been ready and it had taken it's toll on her. Rachel didn't even think about it. She had been selfish in trying to combat some troublesome rumors and nosy paparazzi and hadn't thought about what it would mean to Santana.
"Besides" Emily said with a shrug when she saw Rachel contemplating what they had said "Don't you think it would have been like super awkward for you?"
"Why?" Rachel asked softly.
"Because" Paige said with a little laugh as if it should have been obvious. When Rachel looked up at her and shrugged cluelessly, Paige smiled "Because of the way you feel about her."
Rachel's cheek burned slightly and she looked away again. She felt her gut twist a little bit at the thought of it. She hadn't even considered that. How would that have affected her feelings? Paige was right, it would have been awkward. Lines would have been blurred and it would have been even more confusing than it already was. She nodded after a moment and looked back up at the other girls "You're right. I didn't even think about it that way."
Emily smiled and reached out to pat at Rachel's hand "I think it's best to not pretend to date someone you might have feelings for."
"Then what do I do?" Rachel looked between the two girls, desperation on her face.
Paige waved her hand and let out a soft laugh "Ignore it like the other one. Let people speculate. Trust me, rumors are only as harmful as you let them be. Everything that article said about you and Santana was false. I mean, yeah, you live together and have known each other since high school but that's about it. So stick with that story and make sure that is the only constant in the story whenever you are asked about her. Laugh off anything else they might bring up and say something about how people making up stories about you must mean you've really made it."
"Play it off" Emily nodded in agreement. "If you don't let it affect you they will drop it soon enough. You aren't hiding anything so it's not like you are lying."
"You're right" Rachel said with a nod. "I'm not hiding anything. So what if I have a lesbian roommate and best friend who I am close with. It doesn't mean we are sleeping together!"
"Even if you kind of want to" Emily teased with a little smirk.
"I do not" Rachel huffed but the blush that rose on her cheeks told that maybe she wasn't being completely truthful.
Paige and Emily both laughed at that. Emily nudged Rachel playfully and Paige smirked slightly "Oh did we discover something here?"
"No!" Rachel scowled and stood up from the table. She looked at the two girls staring at her in complete amusement and rolled her eyes "I don't want to sleep with Santana, okay?"
"Me thinks she protests too much" Emily mumbled, fighting another laugh.
"You guys are ridiculous!" Rachel stomped her foot and moved over to the fridge. She nearly ripped the door off it's hinges and dug inside for a water bottle. Once she pulled it out, she slammed the door shut, uncapped, took a drink, then stood with a hand on her hip scowling at the girls "I haven't figured out how I feel about Santana, okay? All I know is I haven't stopped thinking about the kiss. Sometimes I get scared that it meant she secretly likes me and sometimes I get nervous that I liked it. Sometimes I think about trying to kiss her and get butterflies in my stomach. I've gotten really good at convincing myself that I want the experience to use for future reference. Part of me believes that but a bigger part of me knows that's a lie. I think about what would happen if I did give it a try and I'm both terrified I would like it and that it would go horrible and I'd lose my best friend. For as much as I can't figure out, the one thing I do know is that losing my best friend is a risk I am not willing to take. So until I am 100% sure how I feel and exactly what to do about it, I am not going to do or say anything stupid!"
Emily had been staring at Rachel in horror through her entire rant. When Rachel saw the look on her face, she rolled her eyes "Don't look at me that way. I'm not really that mad I just had to get that off my chest." She shook her head and lifted the water to her mouth to take a drink.
"What did you just say?" Santana asked from where she stood in the open doorway.
Rachel's eyes went wide and she spit the water she had in her mouth out. It sprayed over both Emily and Paige and they winced but neither of them said anything. Rachel slowly turned around and the look of horror on her face was evident as her eyes landed on Santana. "S-Santana. Um.." She wiped her chin where the water had dribbled out of her mouth "How long have you been back?"
"Long enough" Santana blinked and gave her head a shake. She couldn't take her eyes off of Rachel. She wasn't sure she had heard everything clearly. Even if she had only heard half of it correctly it was still completely unexpected.
Rachel managed to shut her mouth, which had been hanging open as she stared in shock at Santana. She cleared her throat and looked at her feet for a moment before letting out a heavy sigh and slowly bringing her eyes back up to her friend "How much did you hear?"
Santana let out a sound of disbelief and shook her head "Does it matter? Rachel, why wouldn't you tell me about this?"
"Why do you think?" Rachel bit her lip as tears started to form in her eyes. This had not been the way she had wanted to have this conversation. If she was being honest, she had never wanted to have this conversation with her. But now that she had heard it there was no going back and she was terrified by what that meant. She was trying to stay calm but was failing and the tears were a sign of that.
As completely thrown off guard that Santana was, it all kind of faded when she saw Rachel's tears. She hadn't even started actually crying and Santana already felt her heart twisting with guilt. She quickly moved over to her friend and wrapped her arms around her in a tight hug. "Hey, don't cry alright?"
Emily and Paige shared a glance. In silent agreement, they both nodded then got to their feet. "Well" Emily said as casually as possible. "Paige and I have reservations."
"Yep" Paige agreed with a forced smile. The girls quickly moved around the hugging friends and out of the loft. Paige tugged on the door to pull it shut and once it clicked in place, her eyes got wide and she shook her head in shock "That escalated so fast!"
Emily nodded and glanced at the door before folding her arms across herself "I feel so bad for teasing her. I had no idea Santana was going to come home so soon."
"It's not your fault" Paige said with a frown, reaching out to rub her arm lightly. "Come on, let's go grab some food and let them work it out. I'm sure it will be fine."
"You sure we shouldn't stick around?"
"And do what?" Paige shrugged slightly. "Come on, there is nothing we can do right now."
Emily let out a sigh but gave in and followed Paige to the elevator. She didn't think she would be able to eat, though. She couldn't get the look of shock on Santana's face out of her head.
"Hey" Santana said softly once the loft door had been shut. She stepped back and held Rachel at arms length at the shoulders. "Look at me, Rach."
Rachel shook her head and wiped the single tear that had slipped from her eye off her cheek. She took in a deep breath and slowly lifted her eyes to find Santana's. When their eyes met, she drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I am so sorry."
"About what?" Santana asked with a shake of her head. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"I was insensitive about the whole fake dating thing. I didn't even think that it might be insulting to you and your entire coming out process that you've been through" Rachel rolled her eyes and wiped at another tear.
"Forget it" Santana waved it off and shrugged her shoulders. "It was a ridiculously awful over reaction to crisis. That is exactly what Rachel Berry is known for. Don't you think I know this by now? I just needed to go for a run to clear my head and remind me of that." She offered Rachel a smile and gave her shoulders a soft squeeze.
Rachel tried to smile but the corners of her lips barely twitched. She let out a heavy sigh and shook her head. When her eyes met Santana's again they shared a long gaze and it seemed that they somehow managed to communicate without words in that moment. Santana's look was asking her about what she had overheard. They were pleading with her to talk to her. She was telling her that it would be alright. Rachel gave a quick nod at what Santana's eyes were saying and she mumbled softly "What now?"
"Well" Santana said with a little shrug before letting go of Rachel's shoulders and motioning for her to sit at the table. She waited until she was settled before she moved to the cabinets and fished out their mugs. She placed them near the stove before grabbing the teapot and filing it with water. She set it on the stove, turned on the heat, then turned to look at Rachel as she leaned back against the counter. "Start from the beginning, I guess."
Rachel took in a deep breath as she thought about where to start. She shrugged after a moment and glanced up at Santana "The kiss."
Santana nodded slowly at that. She pursed her lips together as she thought it over and after a moment let out a huff "Yeah I knew I messed up when I did that. I'm really sorry about that, Rachel."
"Don't apologize" Rachel whispered softly. Her eyelids trembled and threatened to spill the remaining tears that had formed as she looked at the regret on her friend's face. "I'm not mad or weirded out by it or anything else you might be thinking. I know it worried you."
Santana rolled her eyes and tried to shrug it off "Not really."
"Will you just stop lying about it? I think now is the time to be honest with each other" Rachel's eyes on Santana were firm as she spoke. She didn't want to dance around this anymore.
The look on Rachel's face hit Santana right in the gut. She drew in a deep breath, held it for a moment, then released it in a heavy huff before rolling her eyes "Fine. I totally freaked myself out when I did that. I was afraid you'd think I was secretly in love with you or even worse you would get totally grossed out and leave. So I backed off and pretended it didn't happen so you wouldn't freak out about it and just drop it."
Rachel just rolled her eyes at that. "If you really think I have a problem with you being gay do you think I would live with you? Santana, sometimes we make mistakes and a true friend doesn't freak out about it. They realize it was a mistake and help you through it. If I ever thought you'd kiss me and I'd reacted badly about it I would have never let you move in. It was a risk I was willing to take."
"Oh so now I'm a risk?" Santana rolled her eyes and turned her back to Rachel when the teapot went off. She poured water in both mugs before grabbing the tea out of the cabinet and bring it to the table. She set down Rachel's mug in front of her then plopped into the seat next to her. She dug through the selection of teas before picking one and opening it.
"No, you're not a risk. That's not what I meant" Rachel frowned at having upset Santana. She picked out a tea for herself and opened it as well. "I just meant that, I mean, I'm a girl and you are attracted to girls and if the idea that one day if, for some reason, you started to like me in that way really bothered me do you think I would live with you?"
Santana shrugged as she moved her tea bag up and down in her water. "I guess not."
Rachel nodded and stirred her tea bag around "It doesn't bother me. In fact, I always told myself that if one day you did, for whatever reason, start to like me like in that way that I would be flattered. You're beautiful, Santana. I'd be lucky to catch your attention." She smiled and reached across to touch at her friends hand softly.
Santana rolled her eyes again but managed to smile. She glanced up at Rachel and shrugged again "So are you saying that the kiss was one of those mistakes you are going to not judge me for and help me through?"
Rachel nodded a little bit and offered a smile "If I thought the kiss was an actual mistake, yes."
"Wait" Santana's brows knitted together in confusion and she gave her head a shake "You don't think it was a mistake?"
Rachel shrugged her shoulders at that and looked down at her tea "And that's the question now isn't it?" She lifted her tea to take a sip and once she swallowed it, cleared her throat "I am not sure how much you heard but if you did then you know that I haven't really figured it all out."
Santana nodded and looked at her tea as well. She drew in a few slow breaths to try and calm her beating heart. She had heard pretty much all of it and as much as she had wanted to pretend she hadn't, she couldn't deny it now. This was happening. They were actually talking about it. She took a deep breath and looked back at Rachel "So you still think about the kiss?"
Rachel nodded quickly and drew in a sharp breath. She kept her eyes on Santana because she felt if she looked away she would start back tracking. "Yeah" She finally admitted. She licked at her lips and swallowed the lump in her throat. "I haven't been able to figure out how I feel about it."
"Well what exactly are you having a hard time with?" Santana didn't want to frustrate her but she also wanted to try and help. It was a thin line when it came to stuff like this. She knew all too well how trying to figure out what it all means could get overwhelming very quickly.
Rachel shrugged and took another sip of her tea before answering "I guess firstly I can't really figure out why I didn't say no when you asked if you could kiss me."
Santana laughed softly at that "I still can't figure that one out either. I mean you tried really hard not to hurt my feelings by explaining that when you said no you meant no I shouldn't because why would I want to. But you never expressly said no and I have no idea why."
"Me either" Rachel laughed in defeat. "But asking myself why I didn't stop you always leads to two more questions. Did I like it and did I return it?"
"You didn't exactly return it. You got super stiff and didn't really move at all. But you didn't pull back either." Santana shrugged before sipping her tea.
Rachel nodded at that and thought about it for a moment. So she hadn't returned it. She looked up from her tea and smiled "I was probably too in shock to return it. It holds no significance toward your kissing ability."
"So I'm a good kisser, eh?" Santana smirked. She couldn't help it, she had to say something to lighten the mood.
Rachel just blushed and dipped her head. She nodded slightly and rolled her eyes before looking back at Santana "Through all the confusion I have never once questioned whether it was a good kiss so I suppose that means you did alright."
Santana's smirk held on her lips as she added "And had you not been in shock would you have returned it?"
Rachel's blush grew but she nodded quickly "You know I think I might have. Whether out of natural reaction to being kissed or because I liked it? That remains unknown to me."
Santana's smirk faded as she drew in a very slow breath. That answer had definitely not been what she had expected. She had thought Rachel would have said no. She thought returning the kiss was completely out of the question. But hearing that Rachel might have made her heart jump into her throat. She swallowed hard and nodded weakly before letting out the breath she had drawn in "Do you know what might help you figure out whether it was natural reaction or because you liked it?"
Rachel shook her head a bit. In all honestly she felt that at the moment of the kiss nothing could have clarified the difference to her. Had she actually been able to return the drunken kiss she had no idea if it would have been reaction or enjoyment. But since then she had realized her feelings for Santana and knew that if it were to happen again she would return it without a doubt and it would be because she had wanted it to happen.
Santana nodded a little when Rachel seemed to have slipped into thought. She wouldn't push. If Rachel wanted to say something, she would. By the look on her face, though, it seemed she was still working it all out. So Santana just sipped her tea and silently prayed Rachel would break the thickening awkward silence that had settled around them.
Rachel didn't break the silence. In fact she just kind of let it set in. She sipped her tea and avoided Santana's gaze now. She thought about the kiss and returning it had she not been in shock and what that would have meant in that moment. She knew now of her feelings for Santana but what about back when it happened? Would she have freaked herself out by returning the kiss or would they have been lost in a passionate kiss all night long? It seemed now she had even more questions than before.
Santana couldn't take it. Rachel was obviously working something out in her head and it was killing her not knowing. She sighed and set her tea down before clearing her throat and shattering the silence "I also happened to hear you say something about your feelings for me. What did you mean by that?"
Rachel's heart did a flip in her chest. She had hoped Santana hadn't heard that but of course she wasn't that lucky. How did she explain that one? She didn't answer right away and when Santana shifted and cleared her throat again, Rachel looked up at her with a sigh "It's stupid, really. Nothing to worry about."
"Obviously it is if you were terrified that it might cause you to lose me" Santana was sick of beating around the bush. The tension they had over this subject had gone on too long and if they could finally just sit down and clear the air and go back to normal then so be it.
Rachel sighed and glanced to her tea before looking back at Santana. Her shoulders slumped in defeat and she shook her head "I don't know Santana, okay? I got really confused by the kiss and how I felt about it and then all of the sudden you were pulling away and dating that disgusting girl and I guess it kind of freaked me out because I thought I was losing you because of how I reacted to the kiss. Then we planned on spending the day shopping and I was so excited about it because I hadn't felt close to you in a long time. I felt like maybe our friendship had changed. But we went shopping and it was just like old times and then Emily crashed our day and I got really mad and it wasn't because she was spying on us. I guess I just realized..." She shook her head and stood up from the table now "nevermind."
"Hey, no. No nevermind" Santana reached out and caught Rachel's arm before she could flee. She pulled at it gently and spoke softly "Rach, come on, talk to me. You haven't lost me as a friend, obviously. And, yeah, our friendship did change there for a little bit but that's because I thought you freaked out about me kissing you and wanted nothing to do with me. So maybe I fake dated Zoe to get your attention because I didn't really know how else to go about it without thinking I would freak you out again by being clingy or something. I mean I didn't want you thinking I was being clingy. So I stepped back and fake dated Zoe so you didn't think I was harboring secret feelings for you or something."
"Are you?" Rachel spat the question without even thinking it.
"What?" Santana mumbled and let go of Rachel's arm.
"Are you harboring secret feelings for me?" Rachel asked again, this time weaker as she realized what she was actually asking.
Santana shook her head and looked down at her hand as it dropped away from Rachel. She didn't want to lie but she didn't want to admit it either. So what did she say? She bit her lip and after a moment let out a frustrated laugh "That's stupid."
"What's stupid?" Rachel folded her arms now. She was growing frustrated as well and now, well, now she just wanted answers. "It's stupid to think that I am worthy enough to actually have feelings for?"
"No" Santana looked hurt when she looked up at Rachel. "You know that's not what I meant."
"Then what's stupid?" Rachel asked again firmly.
Santana just shook her head and stood up from the table too. She moved to the sink and dumped out her tea before turning to look at Rachel. She folded her arms and kept her distance as she shrugged it off "This whole thing is ridiculous, Rachel. Friends get drunk and kiss, it's no big deal."
"Then why are you avoiding the question?" Rachel huffed and threw up her arms with exasperation.
"I'm not avoiding it!" Santana snapped a little too loudly. She shook her head defensively and tried to remain calm but it wasn't working.
"Then answer me!" Rachel stomped her foot.
"Stop asking me" Santana yelled in response.
"No!" Rachel growled the question again "Do you have feelings for me?"
"Do you?" Santana shouted in response.
Annoyed and exhausted by going in circles, Rachel finally gave in and cried out "Yes!"
Santana blinked at the confession. She wasn't sure she had heard it right. She really needed to get her hearing checked. Her breath caught in her throat and she nodded quickly before trying to snap back just as loudly but having it come out as a weak grumble "Well good because so do I."
Rachel had not been expecting that. She was terrified that Santana would laugh at her but instead she actually returned the feeling? She shook her head in disbelief and stuttered out a soft "Wh-what?"
Santana, annoyed all over again at Rachel's inability to comprehend what she had just said, gave a frustrated grunt "Don't be an idiot, Rachel. You've known how I feel for a long time."
"I haven't" Rachel said honestly. "Santana, I swear. If I had known I wouldn't have gone on like this."
Santana mumbled "Yeah right" as she folded her arms across her chest.
"I swear" Rachel whispered now and slowly approached Santana. She reached out and lightly touched at her arm as her eyes cautiously searched for Santana's. "San, look at me."
Santana let out a soft sigh, blinked once, and lifted her eyes from where she had been staring at the floor. When she met Rachel's hopeful gaze, her heart flipped in her chest again. "What?"
"Do you really have feelings for me?" Rachel smiled as she said the words. She liked the sound of it.
Santana rolled her eyes and mumbled again "Are you really that stupid?"
Rachel frowned for a moment but shook it off and nodded her head "Apparently."
With a sigh, Santana rolled her eyes and shrugged "Apparently you are too thick headed to realize not only how I felt about you but how you felt about me."
"Well, yeah, the second one kind of took me by surprise" Rachel said with a soft laugh.
"Me too" Santana nodded with a smile. She lifted her eyes and found Rachel's gaze once more. They stared at one another for a few long heartbeats before it was too much honesty and Santana had to look away. She licked her lips and shrugged slightly "So what do we do now?"
Rachel shook her head slightly "I don't really know. I always thought if I admitted to what I was feeling you would laugh in my face and start packing to move as far away from me as possible."
"I'll do that while you sleep tonight" Santana mumbled which caused Rachel to laugh and swat at her playfully. Santana looked back at Rachel and her smile that had risen on her lips because of her joke faded and she shrugged again "The last thing I want to do is move as far away from you as possible."
"Good to know" Rachel offered a smile. She stared at Santana's face and wondered what she was thinking. She licked her lips nervously and mumbled a soft "Well what's the first thing you want to do?"
"What?" Santana perked an eyebrow in slight confusion.
"You said moving away was the last thing you want to do. So what is the first thing?" Rachel batted her eyes and shrugged as if the question was the most casual thing she could think to ask.
Santana bit her lip and looked at her feet. She knew what she wanted to do. She wanted to erase all of Rachel's questions about the drunken kiss. She wanted to press her mouth to hers and see once and for all if Rachel would return it and, more importantly, if she would like it.
Rachel didn't wait for Santana to answer. She could see it all over her face. So she did the one thing that needed to be done and leaned into Santana, cupped her face gently, pulled her lips to her own, and kissed her friend.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
