A/N: Ho-ly crap. I wish you guys could have seen my email inbox this week, because I'm pretty sure you nearly crashed it. I don't even know if that's possible, but a few more emails from and I'm sure it would have gone kaput. With that being said, I owe so much to all of my awesome reviewers: NikiJane, M. Pond, ToxicAndTheFluff, ladyoftimeandangels, Real Men Play Quidditch, sugarrush12, imsuchanut, Marissa Sorrows, Loslote, istolethecookie, Elliey Black, AshleyPotter, Jenn222, KenzieAlyssa, avatarluv97, I-Siriusly-Love-Black, Frenzied Warrior, she-who-can't-be-named-online, SilverHeart87, Ranma's Girl1, Greengirl17, PetitMoi207, Almost Genius, Aurora White, hahahahahehehahahaha4ever, Nightlight753, Gilbertpritchard, Elaine, Lkay09, and Sasha.
I am absolutely delighted with all of the new names up on that list. And for everyone who subscribed or added this story to their favorites (because there was a lot of you!) thank you so very much! Of course, to all of you who have stuck with this story from the very beginning, I appreciate it more than you might think!
Enjoy! :)
Disclaimer: My friend always says I am Jo using Polyjuice Potion, but I assure you, this is not the case. It's just me, Jessie, playing around with my favorite characters from my favorite books.
Chapter 12: Matter of the Heart
My head positively ringing with the echoes of James and Severus's words, I stumbled clumsily through the forest, brushing my fingers against the surrounding trees as I struggled to stay upright. The tears I'd worked so hard to hold back in front of Snape spilled over, and I wiped furiously at my cheeks. Everything was so muddled in my head I didn't even know what I was crying for. The tears began to fall more rapidly and I finally let myself succumb to the emotions building in my chest.
I slid down the trunk of a nearby tree, landing with a muted thud at its base. I pulled my knees to my chest, and I cried. I cried for my stupidity, for my best friend who I'd tried so hard to save from this evil fate. I cried remembering the devastated look on James's face when I ran from him. But mostly I cried because it fucking hurt.
As it turns out, all that bullshit I'd ever given Marlene over those trashy romance novels was just that-bullshit. "No one actually feels physical pain when their heart is broken, Marlene," I'd say, rolling my eyes at her and that stupid book. But apparently those authors know exactly what they're talking about when they rant about the gaping hole in some broken-hearted bint's chest.
There was a hole. And it hurt like nothing else in the world.
I sniffled, and brushed away the tears with the back of my hand. "Merlin, Lily, stop crying," I whispered half-heartedly to myself. My voice sounded dry and hoarse to my own ears, even though I'd used it clearly enough just minutes before. Save some for the rest of the angst-ridden teenage girls out there.
And then I had the nerve to crack a smile at my own stupid joke. I shook my head, wearing a wry smile, and stood up, brushing the dirt and leaves off the seat of my pants. I took a deep, luxurious breath and then let it out again. "Shoulders back, butt under," I muttered, following my mother's choice advice. How can you expect anyone to give you the time of day if you don't even have to confidence to stand up straight? her voice screeched into my ear. And that's exactly what I needed someone to give me the time of day. More specifically, I needed James to give me the time of day so I could tell him just how incredibly sorry and screwed up I was.
I pulled my wand from my sleeve and pointed it at the black night in front of me. "Lumos." The tip ignited and cast an eerie glow upon the trees around me. It was almost less scary with absolutely no light. That way, if something were able to sneak up on me, I wouldn't even have time for the fear to set in.
"Lily?"
I froze. Did I just hear my name? Mother of bloody Merlin, what if it was Snape? He'd wonder why my face was puffy and my eyes were red, and then he'd ask some stupid question, like where was I going. "Yep, sorry, Snape, can't talk right now. I'm actually on my way to tell the bloke who professed his love for me right before you did that I'm a cold, heartless bitch who didn't actually mean to run away from him. I just…thought I saw a bear."
That would go over well.
Jesus, emotions make me odd.
"Lil? Are you there?" I immediately relaxed my tense grip on the wand. No Snape, just Alice. For a moment I considered putting my light out and seeping back into the shadows with no one the wiser, but decided against it at the last minute. More chance of running into someone I didn't particularly care to chat with that way.
With a resigned sigh, I lowered my wand to my side as Alice approached me, followed by a grumbling Mary, and worried Marlene. "Merlin, doesn't that wand have a lower setting? Bloody blinding, that is," complained Mary, shielding her eyes from the bright light.
"Oh, Lily, what happened?" asked Marlene, rushing toward me with her arms wide open. My lips quivered as the tears threatened to boil over again. "James came back rather upset and wouldn't tell us anything, and then you didn't return right away…"
My ears perked up slightly at the mention of James's name. "How did you know where I was?" I inquired into Marlene's shoulder as she continued to squeeze the life out of me.
"Well, James pointed us to where he last saw you, of course."
Mary shook her head disbelievingly. "I've never seen that bloke so worried. Not even when our Seeker was knocked out during a match against Ravenclaw last year." Apparently this was a pretty incredible feat. James was more worried about me than a game.
"I'm so stupid," I blubbered, holding my face in my hands. Marlene took this opportunity to envelope me in another hug. Mary shifted from foot to foot, obviously uncomfortable with all the emotions bubbling up.
Alice reached for my shoulder. "Lily," she began softly, "please tell us what happened. What did he do to you?"
Told the truth. The words lodged themselves in my throat, and I choked. The tears poured over my cheeks, hot and sticky.
"Do I need to accidentally hit him in the face with a bludger at the next Quidditch practice?" Mary offered eagerly, grinning widely at the idea. "Because I can do that, captain or not. Just tell me how long you want him out of commission. Three days? A week?"
My laugh came out as a sob, and Mary immediately began backtracking. "Oh, too long? Well, I suppose I can just make it a gut-shot, maybe break a few ribs… He'll be in and out of that hospital wing in a day!"
"Mary!" barked Alice, shooting her a look.
"I like that idea," Marlene admitted, much to our shock. The three of our heads snapped over to her, mouths hanging open. "What? If he hurt Lily…"
I shook my head back and forth vigorously. "No," I wheezed, patting my chest with my hand, putting all the blame on myself. "No, it was me."
Everything of Mary's seemed to relax from excitement to disappointment: her shoulders, her expression, even her arms seemed to sag a bit more than usual. "Should I attack you then?" she asked, visibly confused.
"Mary!" Alice exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air, exasperated.
"He said he loved me," I announced through the tightness in my throat, interrupting their inevitable argument. Three mouths gaped at me. I focused on wiping the tears away with the back of my hand, avoiding their eyes.
Mary's mouth opened and closed over and over again, trying to figure out how that left me crying and James upset. Marlene smiled wistfully, no doubt wishing she and Remus were the ones in that situation, or maybe thinking how sinfully romantic that was. Alice just raised her eyebrows at me.
Sure enough: "Explain to me why you're crying…?" Mary said, squinting at me through one eye like she just couldn't see clearly enough.
"Because she ran away," piped up Alice knowingly, folding her arms over her chest, and fixing me with a pursed lip look.
I grimaced back at her.
"And with her luck, something much less fortunate probably happened after that," Alice continued, waving her hand casually, "like, I don't know, getting attacked by a pack of bats or something."
"It's a colony," I corrected her with a frown, "and no, but you're very close."
Mary groaned loudly next to me. "Please don't tell me Snape found you then." When I said nothing, she made another moaning sound. "Oh Lord."
"Well what did he do?" demanded Alice, latching her fingers onto my arm, squeezing it until the skin began to morph into an unappealing shade of purple.
I just barely shook my head from one side to the other, eliciting another tortured noise from Mary, and a shake from Alice. "What?" cried Alice. "Just tell me what happened already!"
The sound of my gulp echoed in my ears. I'm sure it looked like I was going to puke to an outsider. "It seems…he and James operate on similar wavelengths."
I think I've finally rendered both Mary and Alice speechless, which is quite an accomplishment I think. Marlene remained silent, just looking extraordinarily perplexed. This didn't surprise me though, because she'd been wearing that same face since I first told her that James used the infamous L-word.
"I'm confused," said Marlene, finally speaking up. Her brow furrowed as she opened her mouth, but nothing came out. I raised my own eyebrows, prompting her to continue. "Why…would James say he loved you? I mean, maybe he does, but collecting firewood hardly seems like the perfect time to make that sort of proclamation."
Oh, Merlin. Was I really going to have to explain that?
Thankfully, Alice picked up that task instead. "Mar, they weren't actually gathering up wood for the fire. There was already a huge stack piled up by the trees."
"But…"
"They were snogging," said Mary bluntly.
"Snogging? But they're not even dating!" Marlene exclaimed, looking like she might explode with the complexity of everything.
Mary didn't seem too concerned with this knowledge; she just turned to me and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. "As good as is rumored?"
A traitorous smile tugged at the corners of my lips. I bit down hard on my lower lip to keep from breaking into a grin, and nodded enthusiastically. "Better," I assured her, sounding too close to one of his swooning fan girls. It was disgusting. "Much, much better."
A tiny sigh escaped Mary's mouth. "I wonder what snogging Sirius would be like," she mused, tilting her head curiously. I half expected drool to come dribbling out of the corners of her mouth.
"Why don't you go find out," I suggested with a smirk and a casual shrug. "I'm sure he'd be plenty willing to assist you. Just tell him you're conducting a survey."
Her eyes twinkled brightly as she quirked an eyebrow at me. "You sly dog. I see you've been spending far too much time with James doing God knows what."
"Just stating the obvious, is all."
"But do you love him?" came Marlene's quiet voice suddenly.
Mary perked up. "Sirius? Oh, Merlin no. I don't even know what love is. Except for what my mum and dad told me when I was younger. 'You see, when two people love each other very much…'" she imitated, patting Alice on the shoulder like she was the young Mary.
Alice rolled her eyes and swatted Mary's hand away. "She wasn't talking to you, you dolt."
"Well she certainly wasn't talking to you. We all know that you and Frank love each other a bit too much, especially after that little display in the canoe this morning."
Was that really only a few hours ago? It felt like years had passed since then. James and I went from shyly avoiding our feelings to snogging against trees and then all the way to professing his love for me in that time. What takes most normal people days or even weeks to get to we cover in the space of twelve hours. That can't be healthy.
"Lily?" prodded Marlene gently. "Do you love him?"
My eyes wheeled around wildly. "I don't know!" I cried frantically. Did I love James? I definitely fancied him; there was no question about that. I fancied the pants off that boy, and I admitted as much last night in the tent before it collapsed on us. Could simple feelings progress to love in that short of time?
I looked to Alice for help, but she just shrugged and offered me a sympathetic look. "Lil, no one can tell you except yourself. What does your heart say?"
What does my heart say? What kind of question is that? "I don't know," I snapped, "it's a little quiet these days." Too bruised to function, although that's no one's fault but my own.
Alice raised her eyebrows, daring me to go there with her. To snap at her when all she was doing was trying to help. I felt myself deflate, and all the hot air went rushing out of me.
"I don't know," I repeated, more subdued this time, shaking my head. "Is it possible to love someone after just one day? We just kissed this morning for the first time, for God's sake. My brain doesn't function at this rate of speed!"
"Maybe that's the problem," said Marlene, chewing on her lip thoughtfully. She seemed genuinely puzzled by this predicament.
"That Lily is slow?" asked Mary.
I glared at both of them. "I am not slow, thank you! My brain just doesn't process these things as well as most other things…"
"I think what Marlene is saying," explained Alice, rolling her eyes at us, "is that you're brain isn't handling this is because it's not a matter of the brain."
I frowned. Not a matter of the brain? The brain is the center of everything! It controls what I think, feel, do… Doesn't it? "But then what is it a matter of?" I asked, feeling very lost in this conversation.
"The heart."
Well, lucky for me, my heart was battered beyond repair at the moment because of something my stupid brain did. Wait just one minute…
"Oh, Merlin," I muttered, slapping my palm to my forehead.
All three of them chorused at once, "What?"
"Merlin, Merlin, God dammit, Merlin," I swore, shaking my head viciously. "Damn, hell, Merlin."
"Lily?"
I had to go find James.
"Really, as much as I love listening to you ask God to damn Merlin…"
And then, for the third time that night, I ran from someone who cared for me. Although, with these three, I doubted they minded much.
"Aw, look, our little Lily is growing up!"
Bloody damned hell.
A/N: This chapter is disappointingly short, I know. It originally included Lily's search for James and a very important conversation between them, but it didn't flow well at all, so I'm leaving that for the next chapter. But I did try to include some Mary/Sirius for all of you who requested that last week. There will be more to come, I promise. Also, starting this past Monday, my life became very hectic. School starts on Tuesday, so my free time is about to dwindle from rare to non-existent. I have never gone more than a week without updating, and I intend to keep that up, but if you don't hear from me for more than that, please put the sharp knives away. It's not for lack of trying!
I'm going to the county fair this weekend, and I'm going to pick out the biggest, fattest, fluffiest bunny rabbit I can find, but I'm willing to bet this one (Gerald, I think is the decided name) is twice its size. Let's keep that up, shall we?
Review! (:
Much Love,
Jessie
