Apologies for the length of time it took for me to get this one up. But, my Anthro test is over (God help me when the scores come back, I only understood about half of the words on it...) and my paper is written and inspiration has come anew. Hope you enjoy this chapter. :)
Week 3, Tuesday
8:00 A.M.
Big Brother has been trying unsuccessfully to rouse the sleeping cast. Everyone had been up until three o'clock the morning prior to watch a lunar eclipse and as a result everyone is too sleepy to hear him. Also, it would appear that Midna anticipated a Big Brother awakening and, in a rare tag team effort with Zant, magically cross-wired the sound systems so that whenever they were turned on they played gentle lullabies instead of Big Brother's voice.
Big Brother finally gives up in disgust and decides to give them two more hours to sleep before he takes drastic measures. It seems that audiences don't want to watch the cast just sleeping, so the producers breathe down his neck to get them up in a timely manner each day.
10:00 A.M.
Big Brother begins to try once more to wake up the cast. Although he doesn't know about Midna's tampering with the sound system, he soon suspects that an alternate wake-up call is needed. He quickly flips open a secret panel in his room to reveal a Big Red Button. With a wicked grin, he pushes the button.
10:10 A.M.
HOOOONK!!!
10:12
Big Brother has been forced to use the Emergency Alarm System for the house, which is basically a shoddily repaired foghorn hooked up to the fuse box. To avoid sabotage, the cast were deliberately uninformed of its presence, and therefore Midna didn't know to enchant that either.
The good news is that the cast most of the cast seems to be awake, in the sense that they are sitting partially upright with their eyes half open. Link, who has woken up in the weirdest conditions before, simply stares at the wall without moving. Vaati groans and holds his head while Midna curses the fact that she overlooked that alarm system.
Other members of the cast take to the wake-up call with less grace. Navi is so frazzled by it that she accidentally flies into an air vent and it takes the better part of fifteen minutes to get her out. Majora jumps out of bed and through the ceiling to the attic. Zant jackknifes into an upright position screaming "NO MORE ALARM CLOCKS! NO MORE ALARM CLOCKS!"
"Good to see you're all up at least," booms Big Brother. It appears that the frequency of the vibrations caused by the alarm system have shaken and broken Midna and Zant's hard work, so the speakers work now. "Get up and do something interesting."
"What are we, your performing circus?" snaps Midna.
"You be quiet," says Big Brother severely. "I saw you go near the speakers last night. If I catch you messing with the equipment again, you're paying for the repairs!"
Midna snorts and heads to the bathroom, muttering something about where Big Brother can stick his equipment.
11:30 A.M.
The cast has opted to skip breakfast and go straight ahead to lunch, made today by Ganondorf. Still annoyed by the manner of awakening that they got, Ganondorf has not provided the world's best lunch: Grilled cheese and baloney sandwiches with a side of Pringles. He glares at anyone who dares to complain, but no one really seems to notice what they're eating. Link seems so dazed that he misses his mouth when taking several bites and gets mustard in his nose. Zant falls asleep at the table, which the cast is not thrilled with as Big Brother wakes him with a loud trumpet solo over the speakers ("Just making sure the thing's in tune!").
12:00 Noon
The cast is lounging, except for Midna and Vaati (who have chores to do). Most of them are trying to hide and take a nap.
Ganondorf feels excruciating boredom. "Hey Link!" he calls.
Link who is lying on the sofa, looks over.
"What's your favorite football team?" Ganondorf asks.
Link begins to pantomime something, but Ganondorf stops him. "No, don't mime it," he adds. "Just tell me."
Link looks confused by this. "You can talk, can't you?" asks Ganondorf. "You're not actually mute or anything, right? C'mon!" he adds, as Link frantically begins gesturing some more.
By this point in time, the other cast members have heard the argument and have come to chime in.
"He's right," Vaati says. "Link hasn't spoken once. Not on any of his adventures. What's up with that?"
"Why shouldn't he talk if he doesn't want to?" asks Navi.
"It's weird!" replies Majora.
"Yeah, you should know," mutters Midna sarcastically.
"C'mon Link, say something for us!" begs Zant.
"Yeah Link!" the rest of the cast starts chiming in. Link looks frantically around, but everyone says the same thing: "Just one word!"
"C'mon, it won't kill you!"
"Please? Pretty please?"
"Why so silent? You remind me of my father…"
"One word?"
"…and I hate my father!"
"Please, please, please, please, please, plea –"
"ALL [censored] RIGHT ALREADY!"
12:10 P.M.
The cast stand, united in mute shock. They don't say a word because quite frankly, they don't know what to say.
"Was that a…hallucination?" asks Navi softly.
"But…I saw his mouth move…" says Zant, looking amazed.
Link has spoken!
"Yes!" snapped Link. "Yes, I [censored] spoke. You caught me. You [censored] got me good. Ha ha ha! Isn't that funny?"
His voice begins to rise and get more hysterical as he winds up. "So what if I DIDN'T WANT TO [censored] SPEAK? Did it ever occur to you people that maybe there was a [censored] reason I wasn't speaking? Like maybe I took a [censored] vow of [censored] silence? Or I was trying to make a [censored] political statement? But nooo, if I'm the hero of Hyrule, of course I couldn't have any [censored] political affiliations, could I?"
Link rounds to Ganondorf. "And you! You stupid piece of [censored]! What the [censored] wrong with you? You haven't left me the hell alone since this started? What was that [censored] about 'starting with a clean slate'? What a load of [censored]! "
He rounds on the cast as a whole. "And to the rest of you, [censored] you all! I put my life on the [censored] line, every other week, saving your ungrateful [censored] butts and what do I get? You all refusing to respect my [censored] right to [censored] silence! What's wrong with you people? Did you all grow up in barns living off of horse [censored]? Well [censored] you! [Censored] you all to hell you [censored] freaks and [censored] [censored] to those [censored], along with those goddamned [censored]!!!"
There is a pause, as Link breathes a bit more deeply and seems to calm down. He looks around the room, a bit more embarrassed. "Um… sorry about that…" he mutters. "I'll just…go lie down for a second…"
He heads off to the bedroom, leaving the living room so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
Later investigation revealed that the rant that Link indulged in was in fact the most heavily censored piece that the TV station that hosted Big Brother ever had. Even months after, fans on the internet spent hours lip reading and trying to figure out exactly what it was that Link said. Unfortunately, it seems that this quest won't be solved any time soon, however the rant has come to be appreciated as a work of profane wonder, as summed up best by a fan under the username "Inle Rambaldi": I never heard [censored] used in that context before. Link 4 teh win!!!
2:00 P.M.
Big Brother, weirdly unaffected by Link's rant several hours prior as well as the shocked silence that has gripped the cast ever since. He declares it Confession Cam time.
Ganondorf – After all those years, who knew? If Link could talk all this time, why didn't he? It's a puzzlement…
Link – Ugh, Goddesses, I'm sorry I yelled like that, okay? Really, I just…I just wish they'd mind their own [censored] business, that's all…
Midna – Hooooooooly Twilight. I seriously think I might need counseling…
Navi – I'm just glad Zelda and Malon weren't here to see this. Hello?
Zant – Wow, Link seems even stranger than I am. And that's saying a lot.
Vaati – Houston, I think we just had a breakthrough!
Majora – I can honk out the tune to "Row Row Row Your Boat" with a Kleenex! Anyone want to hear?
4:00 P.M.
Link has cooled down, although the cast is still adjusting to hearing his voice.
"So Link," Navi asks timidly, "If you could always talk, why didn't you?"
"Hm?" says Link. "Well, partly because I just didn't have the time. If you spend all day rescuing people, there's really no room for chit chat. And I don't think talking would have dissuaded any of the bad guys. Then I just got into the habit and stuck with it for a while."
5:00 P.M.
The cast sits in the living room, watching The Live of Brian. They come in at the part where a hermit berates Brian for causing him to break his vow of silence.
"Ha ha! That's you Link!" laughs Zant, then ducks as Link throws a pillow at him.
